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Old 07-06-2014, 06:11 AM   #61
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Originally Posted by nuke_diver View Post
My situation is not all that contentious, there is no danger of a divorce...besides she actually has a lot more money that I do so if I was to go it alone it would probably be tougher than it is together.

My feeling is that it is fear of the unknown that is the main reason. When I first met my wife 24ish years ago she already had a fair bit of cash but it was entirely in cash/CD because she was worried about being in the stock market. That's been corrected but some of that still lingers I think. The next visit to the FA will be most interesting I think
I don't understand how after 24 years she has her FA and her money and you have yours? You have lived as if it's hers and yours for 24 years instead of ours?

:::: my context below ::::

When I got married I was 21 and DW was 23. That was over 26 years ago. I guess because we started with nothing, from day one there was no such thing as mine and yours with respect to finances. Other than individual discretionary portions of the budget (spending choices) all assets are "ours," regardless of how they're titled or earned.

For the first three years of marriage, she earned more than I did. But she's been a homemaker for 23 years now. Nevertheless, we are still one, as a unit financially and in all other ways. Both of us would do whatever it takes for each other.

I don't mean any judgment by my question. Given my context, when I say I don't understand, really, I don't understand.

What gives you each that sense that you're in this individually rather than in this together?

It seems you're in it together in that she has input as to when you should RE. Your income keeps her secure. But you look at your assets as individuals as in her assets and yours.

Do you keep and spend all of your paycheck and does she live off her assets for her RE?

How do you work that?
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Old 07-06-2014, 06:33 AM   #62
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Ivinsfan, your post made me chuckle. I kept waiting for the part where you would say your husband would be happy working essentially until the day he dies. Though I wasn't a farmer, I lived in farming country. Out of my many friends whose families are in the farming business, I do not know of one who ever "retired". And selling the land to cash in on the profits? Ya, right, farming stays in the blood, forever!


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Do you know my husband?LOL, Yes, I suspect that he secretly entertains the "I'll farm till I drop and then rent it out" scenario but in the interest of harmony doesn't say it out loud. His family has farmed since they immigrated from Europe, it in his blood, what he does, who he is.

OTOH, as a novice only 40 plus years in, to me it's an income and yes a way of life. But when weather issues, breakdowns, long hours at harvest and low prices happen ( sometimes these things all happen at the same time) I want nothing more then to be finished with the active farming. We have help and he doesn't go it alone, but the stress and responsibility factor can't really be delegated.

We have never had disagreements about money, but as we are aging we find we absolutely are not on the same page about this issue. It's not even an ER issue, my DH is 65.This is going to be a hard one, because one of us won't really be satisfied with either option. This is literally the only thing we disagree about at the 42 year mark of our marriage.
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Old 07-06-2014, 06:54 AM   #63
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Boy does all this sound familiar. My DW has always been a stay at home Mom. I am 47, she is 44. I expect to retire somewhere between 55 and 60. I recently told her I may be want to retire at 55 with a more modest lifestyle instead of, say, 60 with a more luxurious lifestyle. She seemed unhappy with that thought - said she is looking forward to doing a lot of traveling and so forth when "we" retire.

I told her she should probably find a job now and start saving for that fancy retirement of hers.
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Old 07-06-2014, 09:45 AM   #64
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Boy does all this sound familiar. My DW has always been a stay at home Mom. I am 47, she is 44. I expect to retire somewhere between 55 and 60. I recently told her I may be want to retire at 55 with a more modest lifestyle instead of, say, 60 with a more luxurious lifestyle. She seemed unhappy with that thought - said she is looking forward to doing a lot of traveling and so forth when "we" retire.

I told her she should probably find a job now and start saving for that fancy retirement of hers.
And how did she react to that?
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Old 07-06-2014, 07:50 PM   #65
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And how did she react to that?
let's say she was somewhere south of happy.

but she'll get over it
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Old 07-06-2014, 09:38 PM   #66
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let's say she was somewhere south of happy.

but she'll get over it
Watching someones perspective going thru a change is interesting - is it not?
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Old 07-06-2014, 10:30 PM   #67
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When DH wanted to retire before the kids were out of college, I didn't really know at first what that meant for our finances. I found the Consumer Expenditure Survey online and we realized if we were willing to live a little less high on the hog we could both retire. We just went through the CES line by line and looked at where our expenses were unnecessarily high and scaled back.
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Old 07-07-2014, 08:49 AM   #68
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let's say she was somewhere south of happy.

but she'll get over it
Since she is a stay at home mom she can probably cut expenses even more during the next several years if she wants a "better" retirement.
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Old 07-07-2014, 08:55 AM   #69
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Are the last few posters all men, it's starting to feel a little misogynistic in here ( not you DLDS...) Last I heard, SAHM is a job and all couple retirements are joint retirements at some point.
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Old 07-07-2014, 08:59 AM   #70
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Are the last few posters all men, it's starting to feel a little misogynistic in here ( not you DLDS...) Last I heard, SAHM is a job and all couple retirements are joint retirements at some point.
Yes in my case.

It's an interesting moral question. Personally, I see it as my call as to when I want to retire if the decision is based on an average retirement lifestyle versus a more luxurious one.
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Old 07-07-2014, 09:15 AM   #71
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Yes, but then again, if you are part of a committed couple, average and luxurious..would be a joint decision. You have a few years to figure this stuff out.
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Old 07-07-2014, 09:26 AM   #72
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Some of the things we are reading about here are simply marriage politics and every marriage has it own political climate.
Wise words indeed. DH quit working last year and shows no sign of really wanting to return to anything like regular work after this sabbatical (REW warned me that would happen, lol).

Lots of changes when there is a shift like that in a normal 2 earner household. I'll be working at least another 8 years, regardless. He's had a very significant adjustment period, and our marriage politics have changed somewhat as a result.
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Old 07-07-2014, 10:22 AM   #73
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Every $10K a year we cut from our expenses meant needing $500K less in retirement funding, so for us learning to live well but on a more normal middle class budget has made more difference than even both of us working an extra decade. Our tech career incomes allowed us to save decent amount of money each year and we always lived below our means, but the Consumer Expenditure Survey was a real eye opener for us that other people seemed to get by just fine on a lot less than we were spending. (The OECD income charts were even more of an amazing revelation to us. We could have retired to the South of France years ago if we realized the cost of living differential -

OECD Better Life Index)

The cool part is that we still live in the same house and actually drive better cars and go out a lot. We just went over every line item in the budget and figured out how to optimize each expense. Like I bought a Mother Earth News book on how to cut energy bills, and now we use half as much energy as we used to and half as much as similar homes in our neighborhood, but because of tiered rates our energy bill dropped by 2/3s, and no one has missed not using more kwhs of electricity or therms of gas.

We had a friend die last week before he ever had a chance to retire, so I am glad DH was able to retire when he did. I worked at home but DH went from 60+ hours a week with commute and a high stress job to being able to hike in the Redwoods with me or one of his clubs on weekdays and eat healthy meals we now have time to cook from scratch. So I think it is better for us to live like we do now than spend more money and have him die of a heart attack at work from stress.
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Old 07-07-2014, 12:06 PM   #74
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I surprised (and shocked actually) at some of the responses. There are a few that seem to understand what my wife's concerns are and then there are a whole bunch that wonder why we have separate expenses. On that latter as I mentioned, we both were living independent for many years before we got married thus merging finances just didn't make sense to either of us. We always just work out who pays for what and have never had a single arguement over money...not once. As mentioned every marriage is different and what works perfect for me won't work for you as visa versa...this works for us.

For the record we did discuss this over the weekend. And other than the concern of having enough (which is the real major one for both of us because it is the biggest unknown) she said she kind of forgot how old I was lol. And if we do have enough she has no issues with me retiring. So we will finish the remodel, I will get my knee scoped and then we will see what makes the most sense in terms of timing.

I have little doubt that much will change as we are very frugal people already. Like in DLDS's post above we get a ranking of our energy use and we are typically better than similar energy efficient houses..except our house is not energy efficient because it was built in Calif in the 60's...we just don't use much energy (AC set at 80F, heat set at 66F use fans instead of AC when outside temp is less than inside in summer etc). There will likely be more travel but I have budgeted for it and I think it is an acceptable budget. The only thing that I don't know how to do is how to ration the money once the paycheck ends so the discussion with the FA will be important in that regard
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Old 07-09-2014, 01:10 PM   #75
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If a man makes excellent money, having a wife who is happy in a homemaker role can really improve his life.
This is my situation. My wife works part time at work (for me), and full time at home ensuring that the domestic side of life is smooth sailing. It has really improved our quality of life since she quit working full time. I could not be self employed if not for what she does at home.

Half of our assets are hers, and I would not begrudge her getting half if the worst ever happened.
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Old 07-17-2014, 10:58 AM   #76
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This is my situation. My wife works part time at work (for me), and full time at home ensuring that the domestic side of life is smooth sailing. It has really improved our quality of life since she quit working full time. I could not be self employed if not for what she does at home.

Half of our assets are hers, and I would not begrudge her getting half if the worst ever happened.
Do you have kids? If so, would your opinion change if you didn't and everything else were the same?
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Old 11-11-2014, 05:51 PM   #77
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I'm revisiting this thread as my projects are now done and I can either take on more project work or retire. Hubby has continued to balk at my retiring, even with full 100% on Firecalc with 30k more expenses and 30% asset drop and just one SS. He says I should continue to work as the pay/benefits are good and I work from home. He sees it as no big deal. I've just lost interest in the work. I turn sixty next month and I've worked 9 more years than he has. Our once very happy marriage is starting to get bumpy due to my resentment. I realize it's tough giving up the last earned income, but it's going to happen sooner or later, so it's time to do it sooner...NMY
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Old 11-11-2014, 06:12 PM   #78
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I'm revisiting this thread as my projects are now done and I can either take on more project work or retire. Hubby has continued to balk at my retiring, even with full 100% on Firecalc with 30k more expenses and 30% asset drop and just one SS. He says I should continue to work as the pay/benefits are good and I work from home. He sees it as no big deal. I've just lost interest in the work. I turn sixty next month and I've worked 9 more years than he has. Our once very happy marriage is starting to get bumpy due to my resentment. I realize it's tough giving up the last earned income, but it's going to happen sooner or later, so it's time to do it sooner...NMY
Show his butt over the "Have you survived a divorce" thread.
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Old 11-11-2014, 06:18 PM   #79
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I'm revisiting this thread as my projects are now done and I can either take on more project work or retire. Hubby has continued to balk at my retiring, even with full 100% on Firecalc with 30k more expenses and 30% asset drop and just one SS. He says I should continue to work as the pay/benefits are good and I work from home. He sees it as no big deal. I've just lost interest in the work. I turn sixty next month and I've worked 9 more years than he has. Our once very happy marriage is starting to get bumpy due to my resentment. I realize it's tough giving up the last earned income, but it's going to happen sooner or later, so it's time to do it sooner...NMY
Sounds like it's time to get on even terms with your DH!
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Old 11-11-2014, 10:59 PM   #80
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I'm no Dear Abby, but from the outside looking in, your issue throwdownmyace seems like a no brainer. If he wants more income let him get a job for the next 8 years. I'd print out a list of laptop jobs he could do from home and offer to help with his resume or help in finding classes if he needs to update his skill set first. There is no reason you have to be the only breadwinner, especially if he is the one who wants more income. Around here there are community colleges and the Berkeley extension with all sorts of classes and certificates, for jobs one could do online like programming and tech writing.

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