Can´t stand my probable daughter-in-law!!

[vicente solano]

She is too forward, casual, and takes things for granted-mainly my house. I wouldn´t mind all that if not for the annoying feeling both my wife and I have that we´´ll be seeing too much of her. In fact we already are.We are consevative and so we like nice, shy and well mannered girlfriends that are a bit nervous when it comes to seeing their prospective in-laws. In our opinion only when their relationship becomes really solid with a wedding in sight should she behave in such a confident familiar way.

And the funny thing is that our son doesn´t seem to be too happy with her, just the two of them. They don´t seem to have much in common. They have entered in some sort of routine. So maybe he brings her along to alleviate the situation.

And he doesn´t like her future mother-in-law, which is gonna be something terrible for him, given that his girlfriend loves to spend a lot of time with her rather bossy mother and clannish family, which by the way I don´t like either-too gossipy and with terrible manners and views.
Any polite way of discouraging her/them to come too frequently before it´s too late?

 

[JOHNNIE36]

And the funny thing is that our son doesn´t seem to be too happy with her, just the two of them. They don´t seem to have much in common. They have entered in some sort of routine. So maybe he brings her along to alleviate the situation.
Any polite way of discouraging her/them to come too frequently before it´s too late?

Viince:
My parents never cared for my first wife. We were married eleven years and had three children. When we finally divorced my parents were relieved although they didn't like the idea of the children being raised in a fatherless home. They loved my second wife and her two children.
My mother said many times since that she would take to her grave, the fact that she didn't speak up before my first marriage. She was so sorry for not talking to me about it early on.

I'd say for your benefit and that of your son, that you better have a talk with him now or forever hold your tongue. You may be doing him the biggest favor in the world and if it's not meant to be he will let you know.

 

[Moemg]

My daughter had a boyfriend when she was in college that was a dolt . I finally had to say something to her . She was upset and told me I'd better get used to him as they were getting married . A few months later she took a job in Boston away from the boyfriend and met the love of her life who I'm crazy about so hopefully things will work out .

 

[Brat]

I too think that you should bring up the subject but this is an area to tread carefully if you want to be effective. In many ways this is like the 'birds and the bees' discussion that parents often avoid.

Consider talking about what, in your experience, makes a contented marriage. Talk about the fact that when you become a parent you are tied to each other for life, even if the marriage dissolves. Sexual intimacy is something to take seriously. Similarly, different attitudes about spending and saving can be disastrous. Perhaps you can point to examples in your extended family to make your points.

It should not be just about this woman, but life.

Maybe Dr. Phil has a book...

 

[Bestwifeever]

Prenup.

 

[bizlady]

Sometimes, less is more.

Perhaps somthing simple like, "(her name) certainly is a character. I sometimes wonder what you have in common, but if you love her, and she makes you happy and you are sure you want to spend the rest of your life with her no matter what, then we'll support you...."

 

[ziggy29]

And the funny thing is that our son doesn´t seem to be too happy with her, just the two of them. They don´t seem to have much in common. They have entered in some sort of routine. So maybe he brings her along to alleviate the situation.

And he doesn´t like her future mother-in-law, which is gonna be something terrible for him, given that his girlfriend loves to spend a lot of time with her rather bossy mother and clannish family, which by the way I don´t like either-too gossipy and with terrible manners and views.
Any polite way of discouraging her/them to come too frequently before it´s too late?

You don't approve.

Your son doesn't really seem to be happy with her, and he doesn't like her mom.

I don't get it -- under all these circumstances, how can a marriage even happen? I don't know about the usual courtship process in Spain, but it seems odd (to my experience) that he could even be thinking about marriage to her under all these considerations.

 

[vicente solano]

I´m afraid of boring you stiff with this stuff-an unintended pun resulting from my insufficient English.
My son met her 4 years ago, inmediatley after dumping -nitwit that he is-a very nice girl, whom she brought home many times and we were delighted to have her around. Charming, shy, discreet, polite, nice family. Same engineering degree than my son´s (maybe that was the problem-professional competition as they worked in the same company). He eventually told me he got bored with her. His decision caused her and us a lot of pain and embarrassment.
I told him never to bring home girlfriends until things got really serious and solid.
This new relationship has been till very recently a long-distance one. Separated from the very beginning 600 km. Seeing each other every second weekend, which suited my son fine.
We thought it wouldn´t last. Then she got transferred here. And then we thought that daily contact would be too much for him and hoped he would drop her....
Wrong. She and her family have him trapped.
He says he doesn´t want to get married and that she is of the same opinion. And what´s more incredible her mother thinks the same....
All this "modern" thinking on the part of mother and daugter might be normal nowadays in the USA, but it´s pretty rare in a small provincial town in Spain.
I´m a convinced pro-marriage. But as I don´t want her, I´d rather have them living "sinfully" , hoping he gets fed up with her -and her family- than having him married to her-and her family, let´s not forget that small detail.
It goes without saying that my opinion would have been the same if this problem would have arisen with a daughter. Well being an old-fashioned latino it would have been rather worse.
Thanks for your patience an advice.

 

[Alan]

Vicente,

Bit of a nightmare and something we all worry about as parents. How you approach is going to very much depend on your relationship with your son and only you know how best to talk to him.

Both my sisters did similar things with boyfriends whose family were obnoxious and many had criminal records. Our parents wanted both relationships to end. Sister 1 went ahead and married at age 17, sister 2 and boyfriend rented a house and moved in together. Sister 1's marriage turned out wonderful (31 years and counting, 2 daughters and 3 grandchildren) and the out-laws were kept at arms length.

Sister 2's relationship lasted about 18 months before boyfriend ended up in jail and she moved back in with our parents. Thank goodness they weren't married as it would have been much messier to sort out (a few years later she married a wonderful man and have been married now for 15 years and have an 11 year old daughter).

Living together is probably not an option in your situation so I would try to get them to extend their relationship as long as possible before marrying to give them maximum opportunity to see the long term affects of a marriage.

 

[CybrMike]

My mom fought me tooth and nail against marrying my wife. It took about two years but they have now bonded and my wife would do anything for her.

I think sometimes if your a mother in law you have to grin and bear it and hope for the best, you might be pleasantly surprised.

Just a son's perspective.

 

[Alan]

I
He says he doesn´t want to get married and that she is of the same opinion. And what´s more incredible her mother thinks the same....
All this "modern" thinking on the part of mother and daugter might be normal nowadays in the USA, but it´s pretty rare in a small provincial town in Spain.
I´m a convinced pro-marriage. But as I don´t want her, I´d rather have them living "sinfully" , hoping he gets fed up with her -and her family- than having him married to her-and her family, let´s not forget that small detail.
It goes without saying that my opinion would have been the same if this problem would have arisen with a daughter. Well being an old-fashioned latino it would have been rather worse.
Thanks for your patience an advice.

FYI - our daughter moved in and lived with her boyfriend a year before they got married and we were very happy that they did. (it has worked out really well - 8 years and they seem REALLY happy together). DW and I did the same thing ('74 - '76). It sounds like although you certainly don't favor this approach normally that you might consider it.

 

[TooFrugal]

We are consevative and so we like nice, shy and well mannered girlfriends that are a bit nervous when it comes to seeing their prospective in-laws.

Why would you want your son to be with someone who is shy and nervous around you?

If your son is the shy and nervous type, he may be attracted to her more outgoing personality.

 

[ziggy29]

Why would you want your son to be with someone who is shy and nervous around you?

I'm sure there are significant cultural differences coming into play here.

 

[Nords]

And the funny thing is that our son doesn´t seem to be too happy with her, just the two of them. They don´t seem to have much in common. They have entered in some sort of routine. So maybe he brings her along to alleviate the situation.

Well, he either brought her along for a cheap date/free meal, or to let you guys meet her before the engagement announcement, or to give you the chance to utter an opinion.

He's not interested in hearing what you think of her or of his ability to choose a spouse. But you could jumpstart his thinking by asking him if she makes him happy, if he wants to spend the rest of his life with her, and how he'd feel about starting a family with her (whether they're married or not). Maybe you could tell him how you had the same line of thinking at his age with a former girlfriend.

It's possible that his girlfriend is [-]trapping[/-] looking for someone to rescue her from her family. Hopefully he's not interested in playing that role either!

 

[Notmuchlonger]

I'm totally confused here. Why is he trapped?

 

[freebird5825]

From the other side of the fence...this needs to be said to give you some perspective...

Having been the recipient of negative attitudes and disrespectful treatment for over 25 years from my late husband's (LH's) mother*, all I can say is if your son really loves this lady and they want to get married, it will happen.
In many ways, strong parental objections can destroy or solidify a marriage. We were lucky to withstand it - 25 years of drama, meddling and outright interference.
But it took a huge toll of both of us and made our lives miserable until I finally said enough and I stayed away from the MIL. Life improved. But the stress on LH was horrible.

* The objections against me were my religion, ethnic background (Mediterranean ancestors), and independent thinking as well as the fact I was from out-of-town. How enlightened.

 

[vicente solano]

Hi all!
As one of you said, there is an element of culture here -in the most comprehensive sense. By "trapped" I mean -and it sounds so snobbish and chauvinist- that my son son could be considered a "catch" by the girl and her family, and after having living together in a small town -less than 500 m. from her mother´s- the relation is expected to succeed, or else the gossip and embarrassment in their circle would be terrible for her family. So they can´t let him go.
And I don´t think my son has the courage to put an end to the relationship even if he is made to see what´s in the future. He is in too deep....
Well, they are adults and their life is their life. If we don´t have to socialize with her family and not lose our son in the process, we´ll be satisfied.
Thank you all.

 

[janetvj]

I think this is very sad. I have 3 grown kids - 2 sons and a daughter. Over the years they have all been involved with different people (which I think is great - I'm relieved that none of them settled down before they had a chance to experience life). I have never had a problem embracing any of the boyfriends/girlfriends that thay have brought home to meet me. As long as there is no abuse or mistreatment, who am I to say whether their choice is right or wrong. They are all reasonable, self-confident, likeable people (my greatest achievement) and it is not my place to decide whether someone is appropriate for them or not. I will love anyone who loves them - unconditionally.

 

[Midpack]

He says he doesn´t want to get married and that she is of the same opinion. And what´s more incredible her mother thinks the same....

It will be a miracle if the marriage works out given this statement. You are right to be very concerned on that basis, removes any guilt you might feel associated with your views of the girl. Trying to outright stop them could blow up in your face and encourage the wrong outcome (from your perspective) at their age, but IMO you need to do anything you can to get them to wait a good long time. It it's meant to be...

 

[WhoDaresWins]

I will love anyone who loves them - unconditionally.

I agree wholeheartedly with the above sentiment. My son is old enough to know his own mind and I trust his judgment. And I don't think he would be too gracious if I criticized any girlfriend of his. I have learned to smile and say "She's seems very nice". And so far this has been true. He has good taste in women.

 

[vicente solano]

I agree wholeheartedly with the above sentiment. My son is old enough to know his own mind and I trust his judgment. And I don't think he would be too gracious if I criticized any girlfriend of his. I have learned to smile and say "She's seems very nice". And so far this has been true. He has good taste in women.

Well I´ll smile, too, and say she is very nice. But I´ll do it in the right doses, not too often.... lest word gets to her and she believes it, goes to her head and she decides to please me.... and I´ll have her all over the place....!

 

[Brat]

Maybe if SHE, or HER PARENTS, reject him her family will save face.

 

[Cattusbabe]

She is too forward, casual, and takes things for granted-mainly my house. I wouldn´t mind all that if not for the annoying feeling both my wife and I have that we´´ll be seeing too much of her. In fact we already are.We are consevative and so we like nice, shy and well mannered girlfriends that are a bit nervous when it comes to seeing their prospective in-laws. In our opinion only when their relationship becomes really solid with a wedding in sight should she behave in such a confident familiar way.

And the funny thing is that our son doesn´t seem to be too happy with her, just the two of them. They don´t seem to have much in common. They have entered in some sort of routine. So maybe he brings her along to alleviate the situation.

And he doesn´t like her future mother-in-law, which is gonna be something terrible for him, given that his girlfriend loves to spend a lot of time with her rather bossy mother and clannish family, which by the way I don´t like either-too gossipy and with terrible manners and views.
Any polite way of discouraging her/them to come too frequently before it´s too late?

Two points. First. Your son is possibly marrying this young lady and not you or your wife so what you think is secondary. This is his relationship and he will work it out with her and his potential in laws. She will have to do the same with him and you and your wife.

Secondly, you may be projecting your reservations about this relationship onto your son. He may be just fine with the relationship.

With this choice your son has to suit himself not you. He has to live with her you don't. You just have to deal with it. I would not give a person two cents who would allow family to "Monday Morning Quarterback" their relationships. If your grown handle your business.

I am in an interracial marriage so I feel you when you talk about the difference in cultures. That is just part of the deal, the best part IMO, and you learn to handle it. On our case on both sides there were/are family members who to varying degrees were/are not happy with our choice. We still have relatives who have not accepted me, him, us after being together for eleven years. Seven of them married.
Guess what? That is their problem we do not make it ours. This marriage is the best thing that ever happened to the both of us and we are in it for life. Those who cannot deal with that fact we say button it.

If your relationship with your son is that important then be happy for him, hold your nose and put up with her and stay in his life. In the long run it is about keeping lines of communication open and family bonds tight.

 

[vicente solano]

Maybe if SHE, or HER PARENTS, reject him her family will save face.

Believe me if I tell you that I´d rather have that than the other way around. I don´t think it´ll hurt him too much. And after all the years he´s been with her she doesn´t deserve to be the one dumped.

 

[vicente solano]

Two points. First. Your son is possibly
If your relationship with your son is that important then be happy for him, hold your nose and put up with her and stay in his life. In the long run it is about keeping lines of communication open and family bonds tight.

I stand corrected.