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Old 05-27-2019, 11:36 PM   #21
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I am 5 years older than my husband and we hiked a lot. My health made it not possible so he does it without me. Ron, in a good marriage I think both people are willing to accommodate each other. It sounds like you both have that in spades.
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Old 05-28-2019, 05:39 AM   #22
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.... a reasonably good looking woman who enjoys sex with men will always be popular.

Bob Dylan's son Jakob said it well - " God don't make lonely girls."
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Old 05-28-2019, 06:03 AM   #23
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I am 55, living in SE Asia, charmed life as an expat - but seriously considering moving back to the UK to be near my elderly mother as well as a sister who has learning disabilities.

The quandary I face is where is the line between family and doing one's own thing. I can retire in a year or so (that fact also scares me), so if I really want to I can stop work in the near future. Of course every month worked is cash in the bank and chance to live in Asia. Living in Asia, seeing how Asian families work as a unit is quite different to the west, is also giving some direction.

My childhood was difficult and was apart from my family a lot of the time since very young - so I really now feel a fierce need to be there and stand up as the son and look after my family.

Has anyone faced this and how did it pan out!?
I did this. Moved from the Bay Area to take care of Mom in Ireland. She has dementia but is in great health. Quite frankly it sucks. And the difference between SE Asia and the UK is night and day weather wise. It will be a huge adjustment for you. I did it cos my mom was old at the time 98 so figured it couldn't be that long. And she had noone else. Well now she's 101 and in better health than ever! And extremely happy. But definitely more confused

Anyway it takes a huge mental adjustment to make it work. And you will resent it even though you probably will find much purpose in it. A good definition of happiness is a combination of pleasure and purpose and you'll probably get buckets of the former and little of the latter. At least that's my experience.

I've spent quite a few months in SE Asia and love it. Shorts and sandals and t-shirt all the time! Compare that to over here where it's dark and miserable at 4pm in the winter and where you're not even guaranteed a real summer.

You may not be able to avoid it and just feel morally obliged to do it. In that case leave it as long as you can and make sure that you can fly back to SE Asia as often as possible for your sanity sake.

Good luck
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Old 05-28-2019, 07:20 AM   #24
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Great advice! And that is the plan at this point. Iím decluttering, but not at a breakneck pace. Should be ready to put the house up for sale next spring. Then rent or buy locally dependent on MIL situation at such time that it sells.




This really puts my plan in jeopardy because my main purpose in moving to Arizona was to do a lot of hiking, biking, and exploring landscape photo spots before I got too old. But my clock is ticking - Iíll be 64 in a couple of months. DW doesnít want to (or physically canít) take part in some of the these trips.

So for a while, Iíll do some exploring / traveling on my own. A week or so at a time. DW can stay here close to her mom. I donít fault MIL in any of this. We didnít sit down and talk this over with her in enough detail at the beginning. DW just asked her if she would like to move with us and she said yes.




The move and visit frequently plan could work, but DW takes her mom grocery shopping and to doctor appts whenever we are in Illinois. While snowbirding, I sense that DW feels that she should be near her mom in case she needs something. And I can tell that her mom canít wait until we come back in the spring.

This wonít jeopardize our marriage as long as I can do several small solo trips while DW stays home.
You are a very understanding soul. With the loss of your condo it's like you are actually moving backwards instead of forwards which must be frustrating.

Maybe next winter you can do somewhere different to snowbird just for the change. .and here comes my obligatory mention of SGU, literally hundreds good places possible for a winter lease.

I do feel your frustration at 70 and with two open heart procedure under his belt it's clear my spouse if he had his druthers would check out in his tractor. So he's happy, his younger brother who we farmed with for over 40 year is happy. Guess who isn't happy? That would be me...


To the OP of this thread, hope you don't feel this is OT or a thread hijack..completely changing your life for another person be it spouse or parent is a really big deal.
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Old 05-28-2019, 09:34 AM   #25
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But I don't recommend sacrificing your "life" to take care of another. If you are not happy, you can't make another happy. That's my 2 cents.
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You're not getting any younger and who knows how long her Mom will "need" her. Are you supposed to just put your personal desires on hold indefinitely?

...

It's like you have to sit and wait for your MIL to pass away before you can get to the life you want, it seems arbitrary on your DW's part. Not to mention it puts you in a bad spot, here is nothing like knowing something bad has to happen for you to get your wishes fulfilled..
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..completely changing your life for another person be it spouse or parent is a really big deal.
All of the above is golden! BTDT, but much earlier in my life (late teens through 27). It's no fun having to put your life on hold, waiting for a parent to die, before you can move forward. Resentment will set in, even if you think/hope it won't. Don't underestimate how long it can last, even with poor health, and/or at an advanced age.
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Old 05-28-2019, 03:23 PM   #26
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My childhood was difficult and was apart from my family a lot of the time since very young - so I really now feel a fierce need to be there and stand up as the son and look after my family.
Have you discussed your desire to help with your family? How receptive are they to the plan? My mom had late-stage dementia and resisted help on all fronts, even from her best friend in the end. The only help she really accepted was meals on wheels.

It wasn't pretty. She fired in-home care providers, and adult protective services eventually came in and removed the stove and oven knobs so she couldn't burn the house down. A few months later, she fell and broke her pelvis, ending up in the hospital, then rehab, then a memory care unit. She lasted a total of 6 weeks after the fall.

My suggestion would be to start the converstation, make sure the house is safe, and make sure the POA, financials, and medical POAs are in place. Then you can take the rest one step at a time.

Can you live your life for others and be happy? Sounds like you're trying to make up for something you never had.
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Old 06-10-2019, 03:28 AM   #27
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Rhodestine, I faced a somewhat similar situation. I live in Hong Kong and a major reason for my early retirement was my desire to spend more time with my elderly parents who live in the US.

I considered moving back to the US to be with my parents, who are in their late 70s and early 80s. Even though they are in relatively good health, I felt a strong need to spend more time with them, in particular since I have been living halfway around the world for more than 25 years.

Even though I retired nearly two years ago, I ultimately did not pull the trigger on the permanent move - for now itís enough for me to fly back about three times a year and spend a few weeks with them in the US at a time. As much as I love my parents, 2-3 weeks per visit is the right amount of time before I go a bit stir-crazy - living with parents after not being with them for a long time is a massive change! For them, they want to be independent too without their son constantly in their hair. I would think again about a move if their health situation deteriorates, but right now I am not ready to make such a big location change yet.

You sound like you're not really ready to leave your life in SE Asia yet. I'd consider increasing your visits to the UK more often (if your job allows - although mine didn't), but in my view this would be dependent on the health situation of your mother and sister, and whether they have other support network nearby (other family members?) to help.
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Old 06-10-2019, 11:15 AM   #28
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Giving it all up to be with the old Mum

Ha! I retired from Hong Kong but moved to the UK - a good half-way house to my mother in Connecticut. It takes about as long for me to get there as my sister in California. HK was a bit too far (but mostly the high real estate.costs drove me out)
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