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Old 05-08-2014, 10:16 AM   #21
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Regarding your relatives, the problem is you have enabled them in the past and they now expect your generosity. This recent life change is a good "excuse" to cut that out or at least dial it down a lot. While you didn't elaborate on the circumstances, I presume that they are adults and their need for money from you is not life threatening, in which case they need to learn to live within their means like you have. Perhaps a "I can't afford to give you money anymore now that I'm not working" or something similar will work. Give them advice if you think they would be receptive, but avoid giving them money as they will come to rely on you.
It's difficult to stop giving money once you've started. So many people are unable to truly distinguish between needs and wants. Others I think assume that they work hard and you work hard but somehow they're getting jipped because they don't earn or have as much money as you.

Your recent retirement may be the best chance you've got to help family members understand you're not a bank.


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Your choice to help out relatives, but I would caution about becoming a regular source. They need to learn to live within their means, just like your old co-workers.
Couldn't agree more. Maybe I'm too callous.
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Old 05-08-2014, 12:58 PM   #22
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You have absolutely no reason to feel guilty. You worked hard your whole life to put yourself in the position you're in, always remember that. As for loaning money to family members, my advice (based on my own experience) is to not do it. It has never turned out well when I did that, and my wife and I have since agreed to never do it again.
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Old 05-08-2014, 01:24 PM   #23
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DW and I always had the smallest home, the oldest cars and vacationed locally. Now I feel some animosity from several of my ex-coworkers. Why do I feel guilty? Is this common?
Sometimes a big change in life circumstances (such as early retirement) has unexpected results. In this case, it seems to me that you are learning which of your former co-workers are really your friends, and which are not. A friend would be happy that you have succeeded in your plans and you would feel no animosity towards you coming from them, assuming you are not rubbing their noses in it.

It's a hard lesson to learn. Even so, life is too short to spend time with people like this (in my opinion). Granted, I'm not one to have or want dozens of friends, so bear that in mind; but if it was me, I'd cut them out of my life completely.
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Old 05-08-2014, 01:41 PM   #24
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My solution to people asking for money has been pretty simple - if you don't want me to review your budget, don't even think about asking me for money. Amazing how many people refuse to have me give them advise on their spending, but still want me to give them money.

You treat me like a bank, and you better be prepared for the banker... lol
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Old 05-08-2014, 02:08 PM   #25
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No.

We help elderly parents with physical tasks.

But I think giving money to others only weakens their ability to earn their own (in most cases).
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Old 05-08-2014, 02:16 PM   #26
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My solution to people asking for money has been pretty simple - if you don't want me to review your budget, don't even think about asking me for money.

You treat me like a bank, and you better be prepared for the banker... lol
Love it!
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Old 05-08-2014, 02:54 PM   #27
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Yes, I'm feeling extremely guilty at the level of jealousy I'm experiencing because I'm not in your situation. My final day is in 8 short (long?) months and I wish I was able to say I retired last year instead. Live some (or a lot) of that good life you so deserve for those of us out here on the final stretch.
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Old 05-08-2014, 03:59 PM   #28
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As for loaning money to family members, my advice (based on my own experience) is to not do it. It has never turned out well when I did that, and my wife and I have since agreed to never do it again.
Are we in the same family? Same resolution here too.

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My solution to people asking for money has been pretty simple - if you don't want me to review your budget, don't even think about asking me for money.
Like that one too. I'll have to keep that in mind.
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Old 05-08-2014, 04:33 PM   #29
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My MIL asked DW for a loan so that she didn't lose the substantial deposit she put down on a house she was building in FL. MIL has led a LAYM life since divorcing 30 some years ago. In her mid 60s, she has hardly any assets and is living on SSN alone and still figures out how to buy a brand new house in a retirement community. This is the 5th or 6th house she's moved into in the 24 years we've been married. It is truly mindboggling.

I'm so proud to say DW told her no, even though it would not have been a burden for us. Of course, MIL figured something out and moved in to the house a few months later with no issues.

I think she got the message that we won't finance her extravagances.
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Old 05-08-2014, 05:12 PM   #30
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my solution to people asking for money has been pretty simple - if you don't want me to review your budget, don't even think about asking me for money. Amazing how many people refuse to have me give them advise on their spending, but still want me to give them money.

You treat me like a bank, and you better be prepared for the banker... Lol
+1000. Lol
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Old 05-08-2014, 06:49 PM   #31
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Booo, I am 54 and ER'd at the age of 50. DH is still working until the end of this year. He will be 57. Do not feel guilty. We currently have a 33 year old son who has been living with us a year and a half. No job prospects, of course he isn't looking. We told him in Feb. of this year we need him to be our of our house by the end of June. His truck broke down, we bought him a $2,400 car. He has paid us back for half. We have decided that the helping him aspect hasn't worked...so we are going to try the tough love. He may be homeless in June. His fault. He is a smart able bodied young man. Would we do it again? No, if we knew then (when we were trying to help him get on his feet and giving him a place to live and food in his stomach) what we do now, we would love him enough for him to figure it all out. We have a daughter who is the exact opposite. Go getter etc. You have worked hard and achieved your goals. Let others do the same for themselves. Don't be an enabler like we have been. Just my 2 cents.
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Old 05-08-2014, 08:45 PM   #32
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Similar situation here. DD graduated from college, has a great career that pays well and has good long term prospects and is a go-getter. DS is a really nice kid and I love him dearly but has been like a deer in the headlights in terms of his life's work - while we have seen progress over the last year in that he successfully completed some training, got licensed, got a full-time job with benefits and moved out on his own, he still lacks ambition.

I've noticed for many of my peers' families, the girls seem to be lighting up the world while the guys are doing ok at best in terms of education, careers, initiative, etc. I kid with some of my peers that I don't understand why women aren't running the world right now (or soon will be).
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Old 05-09-2014, 06:59 AM   #33
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On giving money to family? That's a personal decision and really not a good habit to get into, unless you feel strongly about helping people. But once it's started, it's may not end easily.
From my personal experience, once started IT NEVER ENDS.
(Unknown to DW, I secretly call her family "The Leeches" instead of the family name.)

Sometimes when you announce early retirement, others just assume that you're filthy rich and can afford to supplement their lifestyle.
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Old 05-09-2014, 07:53 AM   #34
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(Unknown to DW, I secretly call her family "The Leeches" instead of the family name.)
We must have married sisters and not known it...
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Old 05-09-2014, 08:58 AM   #35
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............(Unknown to DW, I secretly call her family "The Leeches" instead of the family name.)............
I use the word "parasites", but it is all the same.
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Old 05-09-2014, 09:50 AM   #36
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Does the DWs family have assets? My FIL gave money to his MIL, she has now passed, and her leech of a husband has taken ownership of the home that the money was used to pay for. If you do provide money, try and get some rights to collateral. You can say this is just to ensure their daughter is cared for in the future. If they don't like the terms, then maybe they will stop asking.
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Old 05-09-2014, 10:20 AM   #37
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I have had to have help a few times in my life - and I have never minded whatever requirements (aside from usuary!) that someone put. If someone gets nasty, it is probably because they weren't wanting help, but a hand out.

Sort of like the experiences I have had when someone said they would work for food - and I gave them work - and what they really wanted was just money. Sadly for them, I have lots of work usually for people to do. lol
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Old 05-09-2014, 01:21 PM   #38
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I do occasionally feel a little guilty about being ERd. But it is really no issue.


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Originally Posted by crtreedude View Post
My solution to people asking for money has been pretty simple - if you don't want me to review your budget, don't even think about asking me for money. Amazing how many people refuse to have me give them advise on their spending, but still want me to give them money.

You treat me like a bank, and you better be prepared for the banker... lol
I absolutely love this response and will have to remember it.
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Old 05-09-2014, 05:10 PM   #39
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Similar situation here. DD graduated from college, has a great career that pays well and has good long term prospects and is a go-getter. DS is a really nice kid and I love him dearly but has been like a deer in the headlights in terms of his life's work - while we have seen progress over the last year in that he successfully completed some training, got licensed, got a full-time job with benefits and moved out on his own, he still lacks ambition.

I've noticed for many of my peers' families, the girls seem to be lighting up the world while the guys are doing ok at best in terms of education, careers, initiative, etc. I kid with some of my peers that I don't understand why women aren't running the world right now (or soon will be).
Thanks for your response. Let's us know we are not the only parents in this position! Hooray for the young women in the world. At least the future has someone with some ambition ruling the world in the future.
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Old 05-12-2014, 08:03 AM   #40
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My side of the family is doing well- parents were a good example (retired early after Dad was forced out of a job at 57, now in early 80s and probably still have $800K or so in investments with a paid-for house). Four siblings all got good educations, have worked and saved their entire lives. They'll all be fine at retirement.

DBIL is another case entirely. He left the Army when they wanted him to learn computers (he's in his late 70s now) and never did get a real job after that, relying on a military pension. He also took in an old GF who showed up on his doorstep with her worldly goods and eventually married her. She's got multiple health issues, some of which seem to be things that could be managed with a healthier lifestyle. Last month she was out traveling, stopped for a meal in some town and saw a car she liked in the used car lot across the street. It was an ancient land yacht but her car was starting to fail, and the salesman let her sign loan papers with DBIL's name and get credit based on DBIL's income. And, in a sign that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, DBIL reported that his son and DIL, who are at each other's throats and living paycheck to paycheck, just bought a new Escalade and financed it over 7 years.

So, yeah, when we hear from them I do feel guilty. We did loan DBIL money to buy a car- did the same with my stepson after his divorce. In both cases we were paid back, although DSS was slower than expected. Our philosophy has been to lend only what we wouldn't regret if they never paid us back.

I'm grateful for the blessings I have: marketable skills, continuous employment till I retired, high energy, excellent health, good examples of money management. Still, I remind myself that I also got here by hard work and understanding delayed gratification.
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