Guilty

[Accidental Retiree]

My solution to people asking for money has been pretty simple - if you don't want me to review your budget, don't even think about asking me for money.

You treat me like a bank, and you better be prepared for the banker... lol

Love it!

 

[Options]

Yes, I'm feeling extremely guilty at the level of jealousy I'm experiencing because I'm not in your situation. My final day is in 8 short (long?) months and I wish I was able to say I retired last year instead. Live some (or a lot) of that good life you so deserve for those of us out here on the final stretch.

 

[Walt34]

As for loaning money to family members, my advice (based on my own experience) is to not do it. It has never turned out well when I did that, and my wife and I have since agreed to never do it again.

Are we in the same family? Same resolution here too.

My solution to people asking for money has been pretty simple - if you don't want me to review your budget, don't even think about asking me for money.

Like that one too. I'll have to keep that in mind.

 

[AnIntentionalRoad]

My MIL asked DW for a loan so that she didn't lose the substantial deposit she put down on a house she was building in FL. MIL has led a LAYM life since divorcing 30 some years ago. In her mid 60s, she has hardly any assets and is living on SSN alone and still figures out how to buy a brand new house in a retirement community. This is the 5th or 6th house she's moved into in the 24 years we've been married. It is truly mindboggling.

I'm so proud to say DW told her no, even though it would not have been a burden for us. Of course, MIL figured something out and moved in to the house a few months later with no issues.

I think she got the message that we won't finance her extravagances.

 

[Eagle43]

my solution to people asking for money has been pretty simple - if you don't want me to review your budget, don't even think about asking me for money. Amazing how many people refuse to have me give them advise on their spending, but still want me to give them money.

You treat me like a bank, and you better be prepared for the banker... Lol

+1000. Lol

 

[kimcdougc]

Booo, I am 54 and ER'd at the age of 50. DH is still working until the end of this year. He will be 57. Do not feel guilty. We currently have a 33 year old son who has been living with us a year and a half. No job prospects, of course he isn't looking. We told him in Feb. of this year we need him to be our of our house by the end of June. His truck broke down, we bought him a $2,400 car. He has paid us back for half. We have decided that the helping him aspect hasn't worked...so we are going to try the tough love. He may be homeless in June. His fault. He is a smart able bodied young man. Would we do it again? No, if we knew then (when we were trying to help him get on his feet and giving him a place to live and food in his stomach) what we do now, we would love him enough for him to figure it all out. We have a daughter who is the exact opposite. Go getter etc. You have worked hard and achieved your goals. Let others do the same for themselves. Don't be an enabler like we have been. Just my 2 cents.

 

[pb4uski]

Similar situation here. DD graduated from college, has a great career that pays well and has good long term prospects and is a go-getter. DS is a really nice kid and I love him dearly but has been like a deer in the headlights in terms of his life's work - while we have seen progress over the last year in that he successfully completed some training, got licensed, got a full-time job with benefits and moved out on his own, he still lacks ambition.

I've noticed for many of my peers' families, the girls seem to be lighting up the world while the guys are doing ok at best in terms of education, careers, initiative, etc. I kid with some of my peers that I don't understand why women aren't running the world right now (or soon will be).

 

[marko]

On giving money to family? That's a personal decision and really not a good habit to get into, unless you feel strongly about helping people. But once it's started, it's may not end easily.

From my personal experience, once started IT NEVER ENDS.
(Unknown to DW, I secretly call her family "The Leeches" instead of the family name.)

Sometimes when you announce early retirement, others just assume that you're filthy rich and can afford to supplement their lifestyle.

 

[aja8888]

(Unknown to DW, I secretly call her family "The Leeches" instead of the family name.)

We must have married sisters and not known it...

 

[travelover]

............(Unknown to DW, I secretly call her family "The Leeches" instead of the family name.)............

I use the word "parasites", but it is all the same.

 

[Socal Tom]

Does the DWs family have assets? My FIL gave money to his MIL, she has now passed, and her leech of a husband has taken ownership of the home that the money was used to pay for. If you do provide money, try and get some rights to collateral. You can say this is just to ensure their daughter is cared for in the future. If they don't like the terms, then maybe they will stop asking.
Tom

 

[crtreedude]

I have had to have help a few times in my life - and I have never minded whatever requirements (aside from usuary!) that someone put. If someone gets nasty, it is probably because they weren't wanting help, but a hand out.

Sort of like the experiences I have had when someone said they would work for food - and I gave them work - and what they really wanted was just money. Sadly for them, I have lots of work usually for people to do. lol

 

[David1961]

I do occasionally feel a little guilty about being ERd. But it is really no issue.

My solution to people asking for money has been pretty simple - if you don't want me to review your budget, don't even think about asking me for money. Amazing how many people refuse to have me give them advise on their spending, but still want me to give them money.

You treat me like a bank, and you better be prepared for the banker... lol

I absolutely love this response and will have to remember it.

 

[kimcdougc]

Similar situation here. DD graduated from college, has a great career that pays well and has good long term prospects and is a go-getter. DS is a really nice kid and I love him dearly but has been like a deer in the headlights in terms of his life's work - while we have seen progress over the last year in that he successfully completed some training, got licensed, got a full-time job with benefits and moved out on his own, he still lacks ambition.

I've noticed for many of my peers' families, the girls seem to be lighting up the world while the guys are doing ok at best in terms of education, careers, initiative, etc. I kid with some of my peers that I don't understand why women aren't running the world right now (or soon will be).

Thanks for your response. Let's us know we are not the only parents in this position! Hooray for the young women in the world. At least the future has someone with some ambition ruling the world in the future.

 

[athena53]

My side of the family is doing well- parents were a good example (retired early after Dad was forced out of a job at 57, now in early 80s and probably still have $800K or so in investments with a paid-for house). Four siblings all got good educations, have worked and saved their entire lives. They'll all be fine at retirement.

DBIL is another case entirely. He left the Army when they wanted him to learn computers (he's in his late 70s now) and never did get a real job after that, relying on a military pension. He also took in an old GF who showed up on his doorstep with her worldly goods and eventually married her. She's got multiple health issues, some of which seem to be things that could be managed with a healthier lifestyle. Last month she was out traveling, stopped for a meal in some town and saw a car she liked in the used car lot across the street. It was an ancient land yacht but her car was starting to fail, and the salesman let her sign loan papers with DBIL's name and get credit based on DBIL's income. And, in a sign that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, DBIL reported that his son and DIL, who are at each other's throats and living paycheck to paycheck, just bought a new Escalade and financed it over 7 years.

So, yeah, when we hear from them I do feel guilty. We did loan DBIL money to buy a car- did the same with my stepson after his divorce. In both cases we were paid back, although DSS was slower than expected. Our philosophy has been to lend only what we wouldn't regret if they never paid us back.

I'm grateful for the blessings I have: marketable skills, continuous employment till I retired, high energy, excellent health, good examples of money management. Still, I remind myself that I also got here by hard work and understanding delayed gratification.

 

[Samething]

I'm 54 and looking to ER early next year. I've been planning and getting my financial ducks in a row trying to do everything I can to maximize my resources. Everything is looking like a go and then I got the phone call. My sister was so upset because her rent was just increased and she "doesn't know what she is going to do". I told her several months ago that I was going to retire because my job is taking a toll on my heath and I can't physically handle the work any more. Now comes the guilt because she truly does need help but... I've always been a saver and lived well below my means. Worked my tail off 60 hours a week for 29 years. She has never worked a conventional job because "she doesn't want to take s*** from employers" and want to live a more "spiritual" life. Now she said she can't do any more of the work she does do because she is getting to old( I can relate). I've had many discussions with her over the years about her need to get a job "on the books" so she has SS in the future. Well low and behold she is 60 now and looking at the minimum SS benefit. So now she wants to move into my 900sf house that I have paid off as part of my retirement plan. THAT is not going to work for me. We get along when we visit but I will not live with her. Her constant comments about what I eat and her wacked out theories about this and that would drive me crazy. We are getting together this Sunday it is not going to be a pleasant conversation. She is my Sister and I want to help but I will not sacrifice my happiness in retirement I have earned because she did not plan ahead. I may be the a******* here but I'm not going to do it. But I do feel guilty about it.

 

[Walt34]

See this post.

No reason to feel guilty about it. You earned what you have, relatives had the same 24 hours a day that you did.

 

[Meadbh]

I'm 54 and looking to ER early next year. I've been planning and getting my financial ducks in a row trying to do everything I can to maximize my resources. Everything is looking like a go and then I got the phone call. My sister was so upset because her rent was just increased and she "doesn't know what she is going to do". I told her several months ago that I was going to retire because my job is taking a toll on my heath and I can't physically handle the work any more. Now comes the guilt because she truly does need help but... I've always been a saver and lived well below my means. Worked my tail off 60 hours a week for 29 years. She has never worked a conventional job because "she doesn't want to take s*** from employers" and want to live a more "spiritual" life. Now she said she can't do any more of the work she does do because she is getting to old( I can relate). I've had many discussions with her over the years about her need to get a job "on the books" so she has SS in the future. Well low and behold she is 60 now and looking at the minimum SS benefit. So now she wants to move into my 900sf house that I have paid off as part of my retirement plan. THAT is not going to work for me. We get along when we visit but I will not live with her. Her constant comments about what I eat and her wacked out theories about this and that would drive me crazy. We are getting together this Sunday it is not going to be a pleasant conversation. She is my Sister and I want to help but I will not sacrifice my happiness in retirement I have earned because she did not plan ahead. I may be the a******* here but I'm not going to do it. But I do feel guilty about it.

How can I put this nicely?

Tell your sister to **** off.

 

[pb4uski]

+1 she made her choices to not take s*** from employers and live a more "spiritual" life so she can also deal with the consequences by moving into a cheaper place or sharing a place with one of her spiritual friends. Tell her that you don't want a roommate but she should be able to afford rent with another roommate somewhere else.

 

[MissMolly]

+1

JRWINFLA

I agree with all sentiments expressed so far. She made her choices. You don't owe her anything (but I would feel guilty too). You tried to warn her, she chose not to listen. This is not your problem to fix.

 

[FedExCourier]

She is your sister and you love her so guilt is a very normal response. But she is taking advantage of you and a bit of tough love will save your sanity. I think telling her in a tactful way that she should find someone to share the rent with will keep your relationship in a good place. Maybe tell her that you are not a good roomate or you have to live alone and need your space would give you some kind of excuse?

 

[WhoDaresWins]

JRWINFL

Tell you sister that your spiritual life requires that you live alone.

 

[travelover]

She might be your sister, but she surely is not your friend. Step back and manage the relationship on your terms.

 

[MRG]

Jrwinfla,

Sounds like you both chose your own paths. Yours worked financially, hers didn't. I bet, with 60 hour weeks for 29 years, you took some cr*p.

I understand your feelings, but you didn't 'take her to raise'. I'm one of four children, we would never ask for more than encouraging words from each other. Doesn't mean we don't love, care, and support one another but there are boundaries. A week visit great, moving in no way.

I guess your sister never saw or heard the saying from the early '80s
(Sensitive ear warning):

Life is like a s*** sandwich
The more bread you got, the less s*** you have to eat.



Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I337 using Early Retirement Forum mobile app

 

[Katsmeow]

To the OP -- I see a difference between helping out coworkers, friends, most relatives with money and possibly helping out a parent.

With regard to your DW's parents asking for money, that is one that if it were me I would want to know more information about. I would want to know why they needed the money and how it would be used. Do they have a history of bad financial decisions so this is just throwing good money after bad? Or is it just they are in difficult financial situation despite having lived responsibly with money? If the latter, then I might be willing to provide some help if I could do so without endangering my own financial well being.