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Hi again, and it's so different now that husband just retired!
Old 06-21-2019, 10:24 AM   #1
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Hi again, and it's so different now that husband just retired!

I would like to get more active here :-) I had several years of early retirement from a high-stress job, which has been blissful. Then we got a huge boost in income from my husband taking a new job when he had planned on retiring...life and its curve balls! After five years at the new job, he's now fully retired.

What I love:
having him around, unstressed and rested.
watching him discover the joys of sleeping in, regular exercise, thoughtful grocery shopping, public libraries, purposeful television watching

What I love less:
Not gonna lie...having $100K pulled out of the family budget stings. I had a full-on "OMG we're broke" panic before I started a detailed budget of what was going where. It took six months of ending each month in the green before I could relax a little. Some lifestyle changes--we rarely eat out anymore--but not too bad.
Not his fault but I do feel...observed all day. Like, maybe I need to explain why am playing the "Hamilton" soundtrack on repeat while I clean.
Before, I would spontaneously decide to go shopping or whatever and just hop up and go. Now, I have to account for time to "finish this chapter/walk the dog/file this mail because he likes to get out, too.

OTOH, having a buddy to hang out with is gold and I do love it 99% of the time. I tried to describe it to someone asking "Isn't he driving you nuts, being around all day?" and came up with, it's like having a best friend who lives in another town, move in next door. That's still the best I can describe it.

So we're watching our money, making adjustments, discovering new stuff. It's an interesting life stage for sure!
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Old 06-21-2019, 10:48 AM   #2
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Originally Posted by kwblack View Post
Not gonna lie...having $100K pulled out of the family budget stings. I had a full-on "OMG we're broke" panic before I started a detailed budget of what was going where. It took six months of ending each month in the green before I could relax a little. Some lifestyle changes--we rarely eat out anymore--but not too bad.
Did you come up with a plan before retiring, showing how much you needed to spend each year, and this how much you needed in your nest egg to support those expenses?

Quote:
it's like having a best friend who lives in another town, move in next door. That's still the best I can describe it.
How nice!
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Old 06-21-2019, 11:02 AM   #3
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Originally Posted by kwblack View Post
What I love less:

Not his fault but I do feel...observed all day. Like, maybe I need to explain why am playing the "Hamilton" soundtrack on repeat while I clean.
Before, I would spontaneously decide to go shopping or whatever and just hop up and go. Now, I have to account for time to "finish this chapter/walk the dog/file this mail because he likes to get out, too.

OTOH, having a buddy to hang out with is gold and I do love it 99% of the time. I tried to describe it to someone asking "Isn't he driving you nuts, being around all day?" and came up with, it's like having a best friend who lives in another town, move in next door. That's still the best I can describe it.
I admire your positive attitude, but I would have to have...the chat. If DH insisted on coming along whenever I went out on errands or shopping, I would go nuts. I need a lot of me time. I can't really shop with anyone anyway - even my Mom or Sister.

We're both retired but I up and go when I want. So does he. We're both plenty comfy being alone in the house as well if the other is out. I actually relish when he goes out as that is my time to really clean (just can't do it properly when he's home, no matter the soundtrack!)

It's ok to ask for some adjustments if it's at all bothering you. Better to do so now than in 5 years when you are going insane!
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Old 06-21-2019, 11:12 AM   #4
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Sounds like your DH needs a hobby...outside the house with male friends.
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Old 06-21-2019, 11:17 AM   #5
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If DH insisted on coming along whenever I went out on errands or shopping, I would go nuts. I need a lot of me time. I can't really shop with anyone anyway - even my Mom or Sister.
LOL!

I retired a few years before my wife.

While she was working, I did the grocery shopping. And I did it in the only way that makes any sense to me. I treat shopping like a chore.
- I create a shopping list
- I have the list organized into sections corresponding to aisles in the store
- I shop each aisle and cross off the items on the list
- Once I complete the last aisle, I'm done
- The faster I can get it all done, the happier I am

My wife, on the other hand, treats shopping like a recreational activity.
- She likes to wander.
- She sometimes carries a list
- Any list is never organized
- She goes back and forth, up and down, visiting some aisles several times.

It makes my teeth itch if we shop together. She'll send me back to the first aisle repeatedly. So now that we are both retired, we mostly don't shop together. She'll shop alone, or I'll shop alone. If we shop together, I'll wait in the car and read my Kindle.

Love her. Hate her shopping style. We are both happier with our new compromise.
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Old 06-21-2019, 11:24 AM   #6
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LOL!

I retired a few years before my wife.

While she was working, I did the grocery shopping. And I did it in the only way that makes any sense to me. I treat shopping like a chore.
- I create a shopping list
- I have the list organized into sections corresponding to aisles in the store
- I shop each aisle and cross off the items on the list
- Once I complete the last aisle, I'm done
- The faster I can get it all done, the happier I am

My wife, on the other hand, treats shopping like a recreational activity.
- She likes to wander.
- She sometimes carries a list
- Any list is never organized
- She goes back and forth, up and down, visiting some aisles several times.

It makes my teeth itch if we shop together. She'll send me back to the first aisle repeatedly. So now that we are both retired, we mostly don't shop together. She'll shop alone, or I'll shop alone. If we shop together, I'll wait in the car and read my Kindle.

Love her. Hate her shopping style. We are both happier with our new compromise.
Lesser version of your description with my DGF. It is worse in the home goods type of stores.
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Old 06-21-2019, 11:52 AM   #7
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I'm looking forward to my husband retiring in the five months. I too enjoy having some time to myself and am sure that there will be an adjustment phase for us. We both like to take walks in the morning but he needs at least an hour of puttering around and a couple of cups of coffee before he wants to go anywhere. I accommodate that on the weekends but don't think I will during the week when he has retired. I like to get up and go.
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Old 06-21-2019, 12:42 PM   #8
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I can't imagine having someone following me around like a shadow, like that. That would drive me crazy.

Sounds like he needs to be encouraged to take the car and go places without you, more often. Maybe you could encourage him to go to some place he might like, like a hobby store or Home Depot or Autozone or to go get his hair cut. He needs to learn that you aren't his entertainment director in retirement.

F and I aren't married and we live next door to each other, so it's easier for us. I find our conversations benefit from each of us doing different things now and then.
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Old 06-21-2019, 01:45 PM   #9
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Did you come up with a plan before retiring, showing how much you needed to spend each year, and this how much you needed in your nest egg to support those expenses?

Kind of but not really...We added up our pensions and SSA, and looked at a rough budget, when his Medicare would start, what we could probably cut. The real number crunching happened after we had a retirement date. We are incredibly lucky that both our pensions are really solid. We've only had to dip into our nest egg (all our savings and investments) for a down payment for the condo, some remodeling expenses, a new HVAC system. We've been able to replace what we took out.

OTOH, we've been looking at income and expenses for years with an eye towards retirement. So it's always been in mind.
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Old 06-21-2019, 01:50 PM   #10
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It's ok to ask for some adjustments if it's at all bothering you. Better to do so now than in 5 years when you are going insane!
I'm sure that will come :-) He was so immersed in work for 40+ years, everything is kind of new to him, if that makes sense. He has discovered two great walking trails near us and likes to do that alone if I don't feel like coming. And we scheduled our gym time for different days on purpose.

I'm not sure he ever recreationally walked during his work life. Maybe when we were on vacation.
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Old 06-21-2019, 01:56 PM   #11
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LOL!



It makes my teeth itch if we shop together. She'll send me back to the first aisle repeatedly. So now that we are both retired, we mostly don't shop together. She'll shop alone, or I'll shop alone. If we shop together, I'll wait in the car and read my Kindle.

Love her. Hate her shopping style. We are both happier with our new compromise.
LOL! He's a list shopper on his own, but he kind of enjoys my non-list style of what's fresh today, what's new, trying different things. Meandering & sampling is how he found Madras Curry Chicken, which is now his favorite lunch meat :-)

Having said that, he always has his current book in the car any time we go anywhere.
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Old 06-21-2019, 01:59 PM   #12
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I'm looking forward to my husband retiring in the five months. I too enjoy having some time to myself and am sure that there will be an adjustment phase for us. We both like to take walks in the morning but he needs at least an hour of puttering around and a couple of cups of coffee before he wants to go anywhere. I accommodate that on the weekends but don't think I will during the week when he has retired. I like to get up and go.
What shocked me was how his not getting up at 4:45 am has affected me! I used to get up around 6:30, have coffee, etc. Now we're both snoozing until 9:00 or so, which is wonderful, but definitely different!
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Old 06-21-2019, 02:06 PM   #13
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I can't imagine having someone following me around like a shadow, like that. That would drive me crazy.

Sounds like he needs to be encouraged to take the car and go places without you, more often. Maybe you could encourage him to go to some place he might like, like a hobby store or Home Depot or Autozone or to go get his hair cut. He needs to learn that you aren't his entertainment director in retirement.

F and I aren't married and we live next door to each other, so it's easier for us. I find our conversations benefit from each of us doing different things now and then.
Most of the time I like it...after we moved to the Big City a few years ago I did almost everything alone, which got old after a while.

I really do count my blessings that he's a huge reader--that is his primary entertainment, and it's easy and portable!
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Old 06-21-2019, 02:33 PM   #14
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LOL! He's a list shopper on his own, but he kind of enjoys my non-list style of what's fresh today, what's new, trying different things. Meandering & sampling is how he found Madras Curry Chicken, which is now his favorite lunch meat :-)

Having said that, he always has his current book in the car any time we go anywhere.
You are both very wise retirees!
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Old 06-21-2019, 02:35 PM   #15
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What shocked me was how his not getting up at 4:45 am has affected me! I used to get up around 6:30, have coffee, etc. Now we're both snoozing until 9:00 or so, which is wonderful, but definitely different!
I wish I could sleep until 9:00!

I still get up around 5:30, have my coffee and read the news.
When I hear my wife waking up an hour or two later, I bring coffee to her.

For us, it's a good way to start the day.
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Old 06-21-2019, 02:37 PM   #16
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LOL!

I retired a few years before my wife.

While she was working, I did the grocery shopping. And I did it in the only way that makes any sense to me. I treat shopping like a chore.
- I create a shopping list
- I have the list organized into sections corresponding to aisles in the store
- I shop each aisle and cross off the items on the list
- Once I complete the last aisle, I'm done
- The faster I can get it all done, the happier I am

My wife, on the other hand, treats shopping like a recreational activity.
- She likes to wander.
- She sometimes carries a list
- Any list is never organized
- She goes back and forth, up and down, visiting some aisles several times.

It makes my teeth itch if we shop together. She'll send me back to the first aisle repeatedly. So now that we are both retired, we mostly don't shop together. She'll shop alone, or I'll shop alone. If we shop together, I'll wait in the car and read my Kindle.

Love her. Hate her shopping style. We are both happier with our new compromise.
I find it very hard to shop with DW. I say it like this: Iím a buyer and sheís a shopper. I go into the store, get what I came for and leave. Sure, I might pick up something extra, no harm, no foul. DW can spend 15-20 minutes looking at the middle isle at Costco (where the cloths are) and buy absolutely nothing. I see her pick things up and look at them, but nothing gets bought. Itís just beyond me to understand how one can spend so long looking at something and not buy it. If I spend a couple minutes on something, Iím buying it or I know what it doesnít have to meet my needs very quickly.

So yes, adjusting to living together is an adjustment, but the advice here is solid. Solo activities for some portion of the week, if not each day.
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Old 06-21-2019, 04:07 PM   #17
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We don’t usually shop together and definitely need alone time both in and outside the house.
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Old 06-21-2019, 04:08 PM   #18
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It makes my teeth itch if we shop together. She'll send me back to the first aisle repeatedly. So now that we are both retired, we mostly don't shop together. She'll shop alone, or I'll shop alone. If we shop together, I'll wait in the car and read my Kindle.

Don't your grocery stores have a cafe or a Starbucks? All of ours do now, after the last holdout just remodeled! I'd be reading my Kindle and having a coffee inside!
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Old 06-21-2019, 05:54 PM   #19
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Lesser version of your description with my DGF. It is worse in the home goods type of stores.
Women don't go to Home Goods to shop. We go there to hunt and find treasure. It is like a real life video game!
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Old 06-21-2019, 06:03 PM   #20
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Don't your grocery stores have a cafe or a Starbucks? All of ours do now, after the last holdout just remodeled! I'd be reading my Kindle and having a coffee inside!
No. The idea of having coffee with my wife shops is appealing though. Maybe I'll bring a travel mug next time!
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