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Old 03-25-2013, 01:39 PM   #21
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I'll have to give my DW another hug when she comes home.

When I mentioned my retirement, she was all for it. She's continued to work, but when she retires it will be with my unconditional support. After 33 years married, isn't that how it's supposed to be? We ask each other before doing big things to make sure neither of us has overlooked something, not really for consent/approval, that's a given by now...
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Old 03-25-2013, 01:42 PM   #22
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Originally Posted by gerrym51 View Post
my wife retired 56-she is 5 years older than me-i had to complain and fight tooth and nail to retire at 62.
I think the one that retired first is insecure when it comes to the other one retiring. When my husband retired at 55 it was 7 years before he could draw SS at 62. We had the farm almost paid off before he retired so he used his 401K to pay off the rest. I told him that doing that was the only way we could afford for him to retire. For seven years, until he was 62, I kept up everything by myself on one salary. It wasn't a big deal at the time because when he retired at 55 I was only 39 and retirement wasn't even on my radar. Now it is.

Now, I expect to have my turn. There are a lot of things I want to do before I'm too old to do them or I have a stroke or heart attack from stress. I'm tired of working and putting up with what I put up with so that we can spend $1000 a month to eat out and buy gas!
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Old 03-25-2013, 02:01 PM   #23
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I sense that you are afraid of your husband. Has he ever physically abused you? If so please get help immediately. He certainly seems to be mentally abusing you based on your posts. Are you willing to stand up for yourself?
For the first few years we were married, I was afraid. He has never been physically abusive but he was very verbally abusive. He was extremely jealous and there was no reason. He was also a control freak. Even then, all I did was work, all the time.

I am a very independent person and didn't take the behavior very well and was very good at standing up for myself even though it caused me a lot of anxiety. He got a little better after a few years and when he had his wreck his personality changed. The doctors said he had frontal lobe damage and could be extremely mean or violent after his brain healed or he might not, but his personality would change. After he healed, he was different in a good way but unfortunately my damage was done.

Since he retired I have taken responsibility for everything except mowing the yard. Even though I often work up to 84 hours a week I still do the trimming and push mowing where necessary and almost everything else.

I guess I have just had enough that I am getting back my independent streak and rebelling some but I figure it is about time! I just know how miserable I am when he doesn't get his way. I have to get past that. I have always been able to get him anything he wants but now he is going to have to change.
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Old 03-25-2013, 02:03 PM   #24
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Not to speak for others, but it's starting to sound like a situation that's (far) beyond the pay grade of most anyone here. My 2 cents...
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Old 03-25-2013, 02:05 PM   #25
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I'll have to give my DW another hug when she comes home.

When I mentioned my retirement, she was all for it. She's continued to work, but when she retires it will be with my unconditional support. After 33 years married, isn't that how it's supposed to be? We ask each other before doing big things to make sure neither of us has overlooked something, not really for consent/approval, that's a given by now...
You are a very lucky man. My husband hates discussing money and budgets but he will always talk to me about any large expense before he does it as do I, especially after he borrowed money from the bank without asking if I could afford the payments and the bank loan officer let him do it without my signature. I did have a tantrum after that and told him that if it happened again I would talk to the bank manager.
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Old 03-25-2013, 02:07 PM   #26
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Maybe I missed it in an earlier post, but when/what age does he think you should retire at?
I have no idea. He would never talk about me retiring. Probably never or at least until I'm 65 or so.
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Old 03-25-2013, 02:09 PM   #27
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It seems to me that a lot of your stress originates not with your work but with your marriage. Have you considered divorce?
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Old 03-25-2013, 02:15 PM   #28
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If he has short term memory loss, just thank him for finally agreeing with your decision to retire (and then give him a BIG KISS!) That is your story and stick to it.

The poor guy doesn't have a chance!
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Old 03-25-2013, 02:27 PM   #29
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Not to speak for others, but it's starting to sound like a situation that's (far) beyond the pay grade of most anyone here. My 2 cents...
I know. I guess that I'm looking for support to convince me that I can do this. I also feel a little guilty about causing him to do without some of what he is used to having. One time he will tell me to do what I want to and when I start to do it he starts bringing up all the reasons I shouldn't. I can't get a straight answer and it's confusing the heck out of me. This is something we should be discussing together and he hates to talk about it. If it were just me, I would retire in a heartbeat because I am confident that I would be just fine.

All of you have helped more than you know helping me to figure some of it out. He is not a bad person, he's really a good person, and we get along 99% of the time, especially since his wreck. He has mellowed out a lot in the last 20 years. This is the first stumbling block we have had in years but it's important.
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Old 03-25-2013, 02:30 PM   #30
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You are taking antidepressant medication for stress. Have you discussed with your doctor whether you have a medical justification for retiring? Would this legitimize it for your husband?
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Old 03-25-2013, 02:35 PM   #31
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It seems to me that a lot of your stress originates not with your work but with your marriage. Have you considered divorce?
No, there are only two things that would make me do that. 1) he beat me or 2) he ran around on me. He has never done either of those and he has been a good husband, except for the early marriage control freak problem that I finally broke him from. He is just old-fashioned and I am not. He told me once that we have a communication gap and I told him that what we had was a generation gap.

Since his wreck he has become more dependent on me and can't or won't make any major life decisions anymore. Like I said, things are fine here 99% of the time because I can make decisions. I just don't want to make this one alone. He is a lot like my Dad so I have been living with this type of personality my entire life. I don't know anything else.
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Old 03-25-2013, 02:37 PM   #32
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I know. I guess that I'm looking for support to convince me that I can do this. I also feel a little guilty about causing him to do without some of what he is used to having. One time he will tell me to do what I want to and when I start to do it he starts bringing up all the reasons I shouldn't. I can't get a straight answer and it's confusing the heck out of me. This is something we should be discussing together and he hates to talk about it. If it were just me, I would retire in a heartbeat because I am confident that I would be just fine.

All of you have helped more than you know helping me to figure some of it out. He is not a bad person, he's really a good person, and we get along 99% of the time, especially since his wreck. He has mellowed out a lot in the last 20 years. This is the first stumbling block we have had in years but it's important.
No one is saying anyone is good/bad/right/wrong, but it really sounds like you could use some first hand in person help with your situation. Best of luck...
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Old 03-25-2013, 02:43 PM   #33
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I have to agree with the counseling recommendations . You really seem to need professional help with this decision.
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Old 03-25-2013, 02:49 PM   #34
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You are taking antidepressant medication for stress. Have you discussed with your doctor whether you have a medical justification for retiring? Would this legitimize it for your husband?
No, he knows about it. He just doesn't have the mental capacity to understand it. I had a major panic attack at work recently after working 84 hours at a time for two or three months. The over time was forced. There are no labor laws in TN. We were told to do it or quit. My blood pressure was so high that it was stroke level. I was dizzy and having chest pains. Normally my BP is low and there is nothing wrong with my heart. They sent me home and to my doctor. For right now I am on a 40hr a week restriction but I can't stay on it forever. He can't seem to grasp what that means or the fact that staying employed where I am could kill me. I am going to have to retire or risk my life and I can't do that, not even for him. He truly is not being mean. He just can't understand anymore. His brain injury made him a much nicer person but it also made him incapable of understanding financial matters. He never was very good with money and he is impossible now.

I think I just made my decision. Now, I HAVE to make him understand and I need to stop feeling guilty about it.
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Old 03-25-2013, 02:52 PM   #35
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You know, sometimes just talking it out with similar aged people helps. My doctor said I keep way to much inside and I need to let it out. I don't trust people I know enough to spill my guts to them so I keep it in. You all have really helped. Strangers have an unbiased look at problems and I can get the real truth that way.
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Old 03-25-2013, 02:57 PM   #36
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Not to speak for others, but it's starting to sound like a situation that's (far) beyond the pay grade of most anyone here. My 2 cents...
+1
There are a lot of forms of verbal abuse. Whether or not it's intentional on his part, I believe you need to talk to a professional about dealing with your stress and your relationship.

I've been there, and it helped so much.

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Old 03-25-2013, 03:10 PM   #37
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You are taking antidepressant medication for stress. Have you discussed with your doctor whether you have a medical justification for retiring? Would this legitimize it for your husband?

i'm a pharmacist. half the women in the country(obvious exageration-but a lot) are on antidepressants. 90 percent of people who do take anti-depressants are women-that is a true statistic.
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Old 03-25-2013, 03:18 PM   #38
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I think I just made my decision. Now, I HAVE to make him understand and I need to stop feeling guilty about it.
Good girl. Now repeat after me: "I am a valuable human being and I deserve respect. I will begin by respecting myself and taking care of my health, today. And I will not allow myself to be bullied."
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Old 03-25-2013, 03:22 PM   #39
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How's his new tractor on fuel use? Maybe he ought to drive that on his food foraging expeditions. It could be cheaper, and it might slow him down enough not to have him be a road hazard to others -- at least they could see him coming and get out of the way!

You will find you get very useful financial/ER coaching here, so you came to the right place for that.

It sounds like you could use a few laughs now and again, too, and this board makes me laugh out loud several times a day. (You will know whose posts to look out for!)

Every so often, I read posts from a new forum member whose story makes me wish I could just reach through the computer screen and give him or her a big hug.

Consider yourself hugged. You've had a rough few years. It is hard to live with a partner whose mental capacities have changed over the years, but you seem to have developed an understanding heart for these changes in him.

Please make sure and take care of yourself FIRST. It is your turn.
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Old 03-25-2013, 04:04 PM   #40
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I agree with the others that it sounds like talking to a professional would be warranted with your current stress levels. It also seem like with your lserious health issues you should check into the possibility of going on social security disability payments or whatever disability plan you have at work.

If your husband is going out to eat three times a day, then it sounds like he is bored or looking for socialization. If a retiree job is not possible, do you have any senior centers nearby, walking groups or volunteer work he could do to fill his days so he is not out spending money? His excessive eating out sounds like his version of retail therapy.

If you don't have an annual budget that sounds like a place to start. He should get own personal fun money each week or month and when it is gone its gone. He doesn't get to eat out any more unless he gets a job or finds some other way to replenish his fun money account.

In a balanced marriage, he should be home cooking healthy, low salt, whole food, blood pressure lowering meals for you since you are working full time. (And doing most of the household chores.)

Good luck.
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