I'm poor but still want to retire early.

Midpack said:
Maybe I missed it in an earlier post, but when/what age does he think you should retire at?
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I have no idea. He would never talk about me retiring. Probably never or at least until I'm 65 or so.
 
It seems to me that a lot of your stress originates not with your work but with your marriage. Have you considered divorce?
 
If he has short term memory loss, just thank him for finally agreeing with your decision to retire (and then give him a BIG KISS!) That is your story and stick to it.

The poor guy doesn't have a chance!
 
Midpack said:
Not to speak for others, but it's starting to sound like a situation that's (far) beyond the pay grade of most anyone here. My 2 cents...
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I know. I guess that I'm looking for support to convince me that I can do this. I also feel a little guilty about causing him to do without some of what he is used to having. One time he will tell me to do what I want to and when I start to do it he starts bringing up all the reasons I shouldn't. I can't get a straight answer and it's confusing the heck out of me. This is something we should be discussing together and he hates to talk about it. If it were just me, I would retire in a heartbeat because I am confident that I would be just fine.

All of you have helped more than you know helping me to figure some of it out. He is not a bad person, he's really a good person, and we get along 99% of the time, especially since his wreck. He has mellowed out a lot in the last 20 years. This is the first stumbling block we have had in years but it's important.
 
You are taking antidepressant medication for stress. Have you discussed with your doctor whether you have a medical justification for retiring? Would this legitimize it for your husband?
 
Meadbh said:
It seems to me that a lot of your stress originates not with your work but with your marriage. Have you considered divorce?
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No, there are only two things that would make me do that. 1) he beat me or 2) he ran around on me. He has never done either of those and he has been a good husband, except for the early marriage control freak problem that I finally broke him from. He is just old-fashioned and I am not. He told me once that we have a communication gap and I told him that what we had was a generation gap.

Since his wreck he has become more dependent on me and can't or won't make any major life decisions anymore. Like I said, things are fine here 99% of the time because I can make decisions. I just don't want to make this one alone. He is a lot like my Dad so I have been living with this type of personality my entire life. I don't know anything else.
 
Shegens said:
I know. I guess that I'm looking for support to convince me that I can do this. I also feel a little guilty about causing him to do without some of what he is used to having. One time he will tell me to do what I want to and when I start to do it he starts bringing up all the reasons I shouldn't. I can't get a straight answer and it's confusing the heck out of me. This is something we should be discussing together and he hates to talk about it. If it were just me, I would retire in a heartbeat because I am confident that I would be just fine.

All of you have helped more than you know helping me to figure some of it out. He is not a bad person, he's really a good person, and we get along 99% of the time, especially since his wreck. He has mellowed out a lot in the last 20 years. This is the first stumbling block we have had in years but it's important.
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No one is saying anyone is good/bad/right/wrong, but it really sounds like you could use some first hand in person help with your situation. Best of luck...
 
I have to agree with the counseling recommendations . You really seem to need professional help with this decision.
 
Meadbh said:
You are taking antidepressant medication for stress. Have you discussed with your doctor whether you have a medical justification for retiring? Would this legitimize it for your husband?
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No, he knows about it. He just doesn't have the mental capacity to understand it. I had a major panic attack at work recently after working 84 hours at a time for two or three months. The over time was forced. There are no labor laws in TN. We were told to do it or quit. My blood pressure was so high that it was stroke level. I was dizzy and having chest pains. Normally my BP is low and there is nothing wrong with my heart. They sent me home and to my doctor. For right now I am on a 40hr a week restriction but I can't stay on it forever. He can't seem to grasp what that means or the fact that staying employed where I am could kill me. I am going to have to retire or risk my life and I can't do that, not even for him. He truly is not being mean. He just can't understand anymore. His brain injury made him a much nicer person but it also made him incapable of understanding financial matters. He never was very good with money and he is impossible now.

I think I just made my decision. Now, I HAVE to make him understand and I need to stop feeling guilty about it.
 
You know, sometimes just talking it out with similar aged people helps. My doctor said I keep way to much inside and I need to let it out. I don't trust people I know enough to spill my guts to them so I keep it in. You all have really helped. Strangers have an unbiased look at problems and I can get the real truth that way.
 
Midpack said:
Not to speak for others, but it's starting to sound like a situation that's (far) beyond the pay grade of most anyone here. My 2 cents...
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+1
There are a lot of forms of verbal abuse. Whether or not it's intentional on his part, I believe you need to talk to a professional about dealing with your stress and your relationship.

I've been there, and it helped so much.

:flowers:
 
Meadbh said:
You are taking antidepressant medication for stress. Have you discussed with your doctor whether you have a medical justification for retiring? Would this legitimize it for your husband?
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i'm a pharmacist. half the women in the country(obvious exageration-but a lot) are on antidepressants. 90 percent of people who do take anti-depressants are women-that is a true statistic.
 
Shegens said:
I think I just made my decision. Now, I HAVE to make him understand and I need to stop feeling guilty about it.
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Good girl. Now repeat after me: "I am a valuable human being and I deserve respect. I will begin by respecting myself and taking care of my health, today. And I will not allow myself to be bullied."
 
How's his new tractor on fuel use? Maybe he ought to drive that on his food foraging expeditions. It could be cheaper, and it might slow him down enough not to have him be a road hazard to others -- at least they could see him coming and get out of the way! :facepalm:

You will find you get very useful financial/ER coaching here, so you came to the right place for that.

It sounds like you could use a few laughs now and again, too, and this board makes me laugh out loud several times a day. (You will know whose posts to look out for!) :D

Every so often, I read posts from a new forum member whose story makes me wish I could just reach through the computer screen and give him or her a big hug.

Consider yourself hugged. You've had a rough few years. It is hard to live with a partner whose mental capacities have changed over the years, but you seem to have developed an understanding heart for these changes in him.

Please make sure and take care of yourself FIRST. It is your turn.
 
I agree with the others that it sounds like talking to a professional would be warranted with your current stress levels. It also seem like with your lserious health issues you should check into the possibility of going on social security disability payments or whatever disability plan you have at work.

If your husband is going out to eat three times a day, then it sounds like he is bored or looking for socialization. If a retiree job is not possible, do you have any senior centers nearby, walking groups or volunteer work he could do to fill his days so he is not out spending money? His excessive eating out sounds like his version of retail therapy.

If you don't have an annual budget that sounds like a place to start. He should get own personal fun money each week or month and when it is gone its gone. He doesn't get to eat out any more unless he gets a job or finds some other way to replenish his fun money account.

In a balanced marriage, he should be home cooking healthy, low salt, whole food, blood pressure lowering meals for you since you are working full time. (And doing most of the household chores.)

Good luck.
 
Shegens said:
....He just can't understand anymore. His brain injury made him a much nicer person but it also made him incapable of understanding financial matters. He never was very good with money and he is impossible now.

I think I just made my decision. Now, I HAVE to make him understand and I need to stop feeling guilty about it.
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You sound like a very strong person, and you have been carrying a VERY heavy load for a long time. I understand your desire to convince your husband that retiring is the right decision before taking the step, however, I just don't think that is going to be possible, given the brain changes you have described. It doesn't sound like he is capable of being rational about this.

For the sake of your health, you need to make a change. It IS your turn. You do not always have to put his demands first. I don't mean to be harsh, but where he would be if you suddenly weren't there tomorrow? From the sound of what the job is doing to your health, that sounds like an actual possibility.

For both your sakes, give yourself permission to retire. He will adjust.

Good luck to you and let us know how you are doing.
 
He has been retired for 20 years and has a deeply ingrained routine. Your retirement will change that. Figure out how to present the change as a positive for both of you or you will both be miserable. Not a good way to spend your golden years.
 
it sounds to me like the problem is your current job. change it. or change your husband
 
Shegens said:
....Facts are, I can live on half what my husband can so if something happens to him I will be fine. He likes to spend money eating out almost daily and he likes to drive even if he doesn't have anywhere to go. I like to cook and stay home. At his age, change is going to be hard and he is afraid for me to retire. He retired at 55. Currently, we are spending $1000 a month just eating out and buying gas. That is insane.

I plan to work at something after this summer. Businesses in my area love to hire retirees. I job searched for a month and had three job offers but declined them so I know I can find something. I would also be working much closer to home so less cost for gas......
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Does he go out for meals because he doesn't like to cook? Or for camaraderie? I recall my dad went out for breakfast almost every day, more for the camaraderie of the crowd at the breakfast place even though he liked to cook.

Either way, perhaps you can pitch that if you retired that you would be around more and could enjoy meals together so he wouldn't have to go out for meals so much. You just need to put your foot down and tell him that the stress of your job is unacceptable so you're going to retire in a way that makes it clear that he doesn't have a vote or veto on your decision. I like the idea of taking the summer off and take another less stressful job nearer to where you live.
 
You need to make a decision that's best for you. If that means retirement, then do it. Tell your husband he needs to support your decision to live within your means post retirement, or get out of your way. If that means showing him the door, so be it.
Worse case scenario, if you dump him, can you still retire? My gut is that you can but not him. BTW - go see your bank manager now and see if you can ensure that joint consent is required for any loans from here on in. How can you trust a person who would borrow money in your name without your permission ?
 
Shegens said:
I currently work for P&G and have been with Duracell for 36 years. Gillette and Kraft both owned Duracell before P&G.

I'm 58, will be 59 this year, and I can't take it anymore. More work, fewer people, and disciplinary action if we can't do it all. I'm better off than most because I do have some management education but what they are demanding is impossible.

I have enough in my 401K and profit sharing to carry me through to 62 for sure and possibly 65 if I'm frugal. I hate to use it but the current conditions at work are forcing my hand. I'm already on medication for extreme stress.

I can draw from it if I keep it in JP Morgan and roll it into their Retirement Plus without the penalty. I can draw a salary from it and plan to draw more the first year while I look for another job. I can work for $10 an hour or less and still make it fine even after I lower my 401K distribution after a year or less, maybe even stop it. My retiree medical from Gillette and P&G is pretty good. I'm embarrassed to say how much I have in my 401K but my calculations say I can make it seven years drawing a decent income. That will take me to 65 or so.

We own a 43 acre farm in a rural area of S. TN. It was worth about $400,000 or more but about half that now. Good thing is, it's paid for. We don't have any car payments. Property taxes are low. I bought my husband a new tractor and that is our only debt and it's down to $3400 left on the balance. My lump sum pension from Kraft will pay it off.

With me commuting 40 miles a day to work and back, my gas bill, including what my husband spends, is $400 a month but usually a little more. We both drive pickup trucks. With me not driving to work it should drop in half. Cost of living here is very low. My husband is 75 and retired. I make $50,000 or more a year and then we have his SS. We can live on half or less of what I make.

We are not wealthy like most people here but we don't do without anything we need. We don't travel. We can't since we are on a farm and have animals to take care of but we don't like to travel anyway. I can grow some of our own food.

Facts are, I can live on half what my husband can so if something happens to him I will be fine. He likes to spend money eating out almost daily and he likes to drive even if he doesn't have anywhere to go. I like to cook and stay home. At his age, change is going to be hard and he is afraid for me to retire. He retired at 55. Currently, we are spending $1000 a month just eating out and buying gas. That is insane.

I plan to work at something after this summer. Businesses in my area love to hire retirees. I job searched for a month and had three job offers but declined them so I know I can find something. I would also be working much closer to home so less cost for gas.

We need to have a balance of spending for me to do this but I think I can if I can get my husband on board. That is my problem. It's not something anybody but me can fix but I just needed to vent and get any input from the group.
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I'm going to go back to your first post. Without mentioning your budget, monthly financial needs and your monthly income, it is hard for any of us to really say, "yes, you can/should retire". I would be very hesitant to retire if I thought I could only make it to 62 (3 to 4 years) and "maybe" to 65 (if frugal). What happens after 65 and you have depleted that 401k? Will both of you have just both of your SSN incomes and no emergency bucket?
Then there is your stress level. Can you request a part time position at work or say 3 days a week full time days to help reduce your stress levels? See how that goes and if that does not go well go to plan C which is to fully retire picking up the $10/hr part time work?
Regarding your husband eating out. Do you think this is his social outlet? If so, he may need that more than you know, although some concessions may be called for on his part.

It isn't a matter of "whose" time it is. Rather seems to me it is more about can you reasonably financially make it with a safety net in place and will both of you be reasonably happy with the changes. You made the decision to take it all on 20 years ago right? So it also seems to me you are going to have to be the one to make sure you make it financially and with some degree of contentment. This doesn't mean he may not have to compromise. Just make sure you aren't taking the one thing he finds some happiness with from him.

I'm not trying to minimize the affects of the stress on you either. Rather, I'm saying "take a deep breath", take a good hard "realistic" look at your numbers and ask yourself if you think you can make it. Then plug in the "what ifs" and ask yourself again.

I'm curious. When he had his accident, was he able to get SSN disability payments at age 55 until he could take his full SSN? Or do the disability payments continue?
 
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jags said:
Worse case scenario, if you dump him, can you still retire? My gut is that you can but not him.
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You must not be very acquainted with divorce. There is no way that a relatively able bodied spouse is allowed to walk away from a brain injured older person. The spousal support and settlement would make it hard going for OP.

Anyway, she has not said anything at all about wanting divorce. That idea comes from other members.

Likely all she has to do is assert her boundaries and needs, and that will be that.

Ha
 
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