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Old 10-23-2013, 08:26 PM   #21
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I'd tell them straight out I have some investments designed to see me through life, and I need to be careful with them so I don't die in poverty, mooching money off of other people.

Seriously, you need to be careful because you a have no idea what the economy will do to your investments.
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Old 10-23-2013, 08:28 PM   #22
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I wonder if anyone else feel a sense of guilt when saying no. Is there any circumstance when you will say yes. Like someone getting their utilities shut off.
Actually, no. I had one relative ask for $5k for a bankruptcy attorney's fee. I said no because she didn't need $5K. What she needed was $200k and I certainly wasn't going to give her that much. Given her history of bad financial decisions and broken promises to "pay it back" for other loans from other family members it was pretty easy. By the time the dust settled we'd have been out $5k and it wouldn't have changed the outcome one bit so I just didn't see the point in it.

We can see another one coming up with the SIL I've referred to here as "Spendarina". She can't stand to see a dollar in the bank, her "emergency fund" is $500, and the solution to every "I wanna..." is charge it or take out a loan. Her DH works 60-70 hours/week so a lot of their income is from overtime and that of course won't continue when he is exhausted from overwork and simply cannot continue. They sneered at us last year when we put $1,600 into DW's 11-year-old car for maintenance/repair stuff instead of buying a new car, but we haven't had to do a thing to it since. They're making two car payments and she buys another new car as soon as she can make the payments on it. I doubt she's ever kept a car long enough to replace the tires. Gotta have that $4k vacation every year plus several three-day beach getaways, prime season of course, lots of restaurant meals, shopping, etc. Get the picture?

Remember the fable of the ant and the grasshopper? There is the kid's version and the adult version. In the adult version the grasshopper froze to death.

In real life she can get assistance from... wherever. If she has to jump through all those public assistance hoops for heat in the winter I will have no sympathy whatsoever. We are not paying for their beach vacations.
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Old 10-23-2013, 08:33 PM   #23
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I wonder if anyone else feel a sense of guilt when saying no. Is there any circumstance when you will say yes. Like someone getting their utilities shut off. I get that a lot. For many years people have always asked us for money. I thought in retirement it would get better but now it is worse. I tell them I am on a fixed income but apparently no one wants to believe it. I think it is because my husband had his own business and we have rental property. If you have your own business for whatever reason, people assume you are rich. The same if you have rental property. They are just not getting the true picture as they cannot see all that is involved in each. And if you are successful in either, it took a lot of time, stress and effort and you deserve anything you get out of it.

We have always kept a low profile, although we could have afforded much better in most things we just never went that route. In fact my real estate agent was upset with me for not buying a much more expensive home. But I just did not want this. She is still urging me to buy a Mercedes as a retirement present for myself (Why? I don't even like the car). Why is it so hard for people to believe that you can be content without all of the frills? I get so tired of trying to explain to people why I don't want to take a cruise or travel and even have the nerve to feel embarrassed by it. I am content doing exactly what I am doing--crafting, reading, writing, shopping, volunteering, hanging out with friends, bowling, even part-time on line work. I'm doing me. Maybe not the most exciting retiree but this is all that I am.

Your retirement sounds EXACTLY like the one I am looking forward to in a few years (right down to the bowling!) but minus the on line work.

As for exceptions to pleas for money - if hungry children were involved, I would buy food for the children, but I would not give the parents money. That is the only one I can think of, and I did that a few times many years ago for the children of a family member.

You have nothing to feel guilty about and you don't owe anyone anything. I think Bestwifeever's comment about "we're on a fixed income" is perfect.
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Old 10-23-2013, 08:35 PM   #24
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I'd tell them straight out I have some investments designed to see me through life, and I need to be careful with them so I don't die in poverty, mooching money off of other people.
HAHA! Priceless.
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Old 10-24-2013, 07:38 AM   #25
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It's fairly easy for me. As soon as that question is raised, I immediately think of all the hard work and sacrifices I made to be in this situation. While I was eating leftovers and doing things around the house. Not buying a new car every five years. Not eating out 5 nights a week.
We have the same income. I just chose to save and have some delayed gratification, while you wanted all of it immediately. I sacrificed for my wife, kids and myself, not for your overspending ways.
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Old 10-24-2013, 07:43 AM   #26
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Oh, and congrats OP. I'm in Ohio as well.

My retirement plans are fairly simple as well. Aside from road tripping across this great country of ours, I'll spend most of my time on my patio, BBQ'ing on my BGE, listening to Duane Allman and Jerry Garcia pick away the days, and a nice adult beverage in my hand. Playing golf whenever I please.

Cheers!
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Old 10-24-2013, 08:39 AM   #27
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I am content doing exactly what I am doing--crafting, reading, writing, shopping, volunteering, hanging out with friends, bowling, even part-time on line work. I'm doing me. Maybe not the most exciting retiree but this is all that I am.
That sounds so wonderful and it is exactly what I want! I want time to putz around. My exciting retirement plans include making myself a cup of tea and looking out the window in the morning.
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Old 10-24-2013, 09:01 AM   #28
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Thanks, Everyone!

I now have a nice list of comebacks, headed up by that healthy little word, "No."

Re. the title of this thread, "Happily Retired in OH. Who knew?" I originally read it thinking the OP meant that one wouldn't expect to retire happily in OH. But Co2012 cleared that up.

Still, as a California import to NE Ohio, I have had people suggest that they wouldn't dream someone could retire happily in OH. (This mostly came from our CA friends, and the OH friends here who want to escape the cold.)

Personally, though, DH and I could not be happier here. We moved here on purpose in our '40s, back in 1996. Because our cost of living here has been about half of what it was in the SF Bay Area, we were able to aggressively save for retirement.........and then RE.

We love the seasons, the deer in the forest behind our house, the slower pace, the people. We can still go visit friends and family in CA, FL, and NY; but it is always a thrill to return to OH. (Plus, our CA friends love to visit us here.........so have come to understand why we made our choices.)

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Old 10-24-2013, 01:36 PM   #29
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The one thing I have learned over time, especially with relatives is even though they know you are right regarding saving and investment or living below you means. They do not want your advise, they just want to envy your lifestyle.

Therefore, just live conservatively and be happy, take a cruise once, twice, or four times a year.
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Old 10-24-2013, 01:58 PM   #30
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One thing I've learned when dealing with people asking for money is that "NO" is a complete sentence. And usually an effective one. Whenever I've given an explanation of why I can't lend money, it tends to open up the door for arguments, reasons why they need my hard-earned money more than I do, etc.
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Old 10-24-2013, 02:04 PM   #31
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Whenever I've given an explanation of why I can't lend money, it tends to open up the door for arguments, reasons why they need my hard-earned money more than I do, etc.
Such "reasons" often begin with the phrase "It's not my fault.........."
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Old 10-24-2013, 03:05 PM   #32
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So-- again, without hijacking-- do any of the readers/posters here have diplomatic, yet effective, replies for stopping those who hint/request/appeal for $ (or purchases they would like us to make for them)?
"I can't, I'm on a budget. Money is tied up in investments that have financial consequences if I pull it out ahead of schedule."

The details that I don't bother providing are that my wife and I have engineered ourselves into a cost of living that keeps us in the second tax bracket after I RE next January. This situation continues until we start pulling tax advantaged money out of IRAs in 11 years. If we realize too much income in the form of capital gains, "early retired me" would go from paying zero capital gains to paying 15%. On just 50K in gains, this would be 7.5K in extra tax liability. In other words they could be asking me for a lot more money than they realize depending on how close I am cutting it that year.

Of course there is cash on hand that could be used with no tax issues. But that's for my use, not someone else's, so its never even mentioned. When I help extended family, it's advice, support and sometimes access to my network of contacts, it's never money. It's like I used to jokingly tell my brother when we were much younger, "I would be more likely to help you move a body, than to loan you money."

I have only once been directly asked for a large amount of financial support. I get many perceived hints, but have always ignored them. I think I put out a vibe that tells most people to not ask. Most of my family knows I am doing better than they are, but few really know how much better. Having a LBYM lifestyle makes me seem far less affluent than I am. I plan to keep it that way.

I was recently asked to consider mortgaging a house and letting my step-father live in it and pay off the loan. This request was because my credit is so much better than his. I would qualify for a much better rate on the loan. This is the financial support I mentioned above. It was not my step-father asking. I stopped this by mentioning the liability this situation would present. Not to mention the fact that my step-father is one of the least financially responsible people I know. The idea of "Pimping out my credit rating", made me feel a bit dirty.
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Old 10-24-2013, 03:08 PM   #33
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Lit Gal,

I make absolutely no attempt to be diplomatic when (on rare occasions) friends or family expect me to pay their way/give them money. IMHO, it is ignorant of them to ask in the first place. My savings are a result of a lifetime of LBYM, while they were spending everything they had and then some.

I go straight for effective - no muss, no fuss - I say the word "NO" firmly.

I have never once had someone ask a second time.

The first time might be hard, but trust me - it gets easier every time. Good luck!
+1. Every word.
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Old 10-24-2013, 06:03 PM   #34
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Thanks for all of the good suggestions on how to say no. Now I just have to put on my big girl pants and use them. I mean seriously. Believe or not within the last three years I've forked out over $7,000 for family emergencies, which includes funerals, keeping a relative out of jail, etc. At the time, I was told I would be paid back but I have not received one penny. In a way, I'm glad because most of those people will now not dare ask me for money. Also, in a way it's sad because a good cousin borrowed only $50.00 from me about four years ago and never paid me back and now she makes it her life mission to avoid me. I wish she knew it's not that serious. I would rather have the relationship we had than the money back. I miss her.
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Old 10-24-2013, 06:34 PM   #35
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Obviously, you've figured it out. Congratulations!

I have a BIL who doesn't get it, and consistently refuses any conditions on the help he is always asking for. The result is that he is headed for the grim world of bankruptcy and welfare. Everyone knows this but him. Some people are just un-helpable.
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Old 10-24-2013, 06:48 PM   #36
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The result is that he is headed for the grim world of bankruptcy and welfare. Everyone knows this but him. Some people are just un-helpable.
I have a nephew like that. There's probably one in almost every family.
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Old 10-24-2013, 07:29 PM   #37
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I have a nephew like that. There's probably one in almost every family.

If the rule is one per family, I am overstocked. Any takers?
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Old 10-24-2013, 07:53 PM   #38
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If the rule is one per family, I am overstocked. Any takers?
Lol. Put them on EBay...

I am, BTW, happily retired in Ohio and I, for one, figured that would be impossible!
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Old 10-25-2013, 01:52 AM   #39
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I have a son who is 33 and still trying to figure out what he wants to do when he grows up. We gave him a year living with us rent free to find a job and get on his feet. It is now month 10 and he still doesn't have a job, but I reminded him his year is up in two months. He is out then. Push comes to shove...he will get a job. No more free rides from mom and dad. Don't mind helping someone who is helping their selves. Saying NO is getting way more easier the older I get.
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Old 02-18-2014, 10:33 PM   #40
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Thanks for all of the good suggestions on how to say no. Now I just have to put on my big girl pants and use them. I mean seriously. Believe or not within the last three years I've forked out over $7,000 for family emergencies, which includes funerals, keeping a relative out of jail, etc. At the time, I was told I would be paid back but I have not received one penny. In a way, I'm glad because most of those people will now not dare ask me for money. Also, in a way it's sad because a good cousin borrowed only $50.00 from me about four years ago and never paid me back and now she makes it her life mission to avoid me. I wish she knew it's not that serious. I would rather have the relationship we had than the money back. I miss her.
In my younger stupider days, I used to get pleasure from "helping" people when they needed money. Not only a few relatives, but sometimes for very poor people and 3rd world countries or the NGOs where I visited. In my mind I was going to be their hero. But I found that in their mind I was their patsy. Easily deceived and swindled whenever the next "need" arose. Ever give to a political campaign or charity? Once they see you are a mark, there never send a thank you, without including another request for money. Has anyone ever been repaid by a relative?

I suspect like me you would love to be the hero to them. But better for them to learn from your example, maybe next time they will try to emulate you. You are never a hero or savior by giving money, always the patsy. Just say no. It gets much easier the second time, if it occurs.
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