playing the world's smallest violin

[kato]

Hello Early Retirement enthusiasts!

I'm hoping that you can help me learn how to thrive in early retirement.

I retired about 18 months ago, at age 37. In the intervening time, I've tried a variety of hobbies, volunteering, and civic engagement. But at the end of the day, I'm bored and lonely. I miss the challenge and social interactions I had at w**k. I retired because my family is FI, and my w**k was not compatible with my DH's career. We both love(d) our j*bs, he made more money, so he kept his and I lost mine.

I want to thrive in retirement, it seems like that ought to be possible. I see that there's opportunity for it to be awesome but at least in it's current form it's not.

For people who have traveled this path before, how did you find/build replacements for engaging social interactions and inspiring intellectual challenges that are lost when you retire?

 

[SnowBound]

Do something that scares you, really scares you. Skydiving (by yourself, not tandem), run a marathon, public speaking, spending time with the homeless.

OR: Do something so hard that that failure is a possible outcome.

 

[97guns]

Maybe you need to mimic something in retirement that resembles the challenge and social interaction that you had at work, maybe find another type of volunteer work or start a business, you have to find and do what will make you happy.

I’m very fortunate that I never ever get bored, I’m perfectly happy watching tv or surfing the web for hours

 

[albireo13]

Dare to fail

 

[trumpeting_angel]

Look outside yourself. Helping others is the fastest path to contentment, even happiness. It sounds like a cliche, but it can add a great deal of meaning to your life.

Particularly the sort of help that brings you into contact with actual folks who need it, rather than fund-raising; even something so simple as offering rides to people who need them to get to the doctor or the grocery store. A church or voluntary organization can help you get in contact with those who need your help.

 

[FrankiesGirl]

If you hated your "have to work" job... what sort of career would you do if you didn't have to worry about being paid to do it? Go do that.


If money is no longer a need, then work at things you love and feel you make a difference with. This may look like:


• teaching arts/crafts to kids
• dog walker/kennel/pet sitter/wildlife rehab

• build stuff and sell it at a craft fair or online
• work in a community center/gym

• volunteer work

• get involved with your local community center/church
• part time job at store you adore shopping at so you can get a killer discount and dibs on new stuff
• librarians LOVE folks to volunteer to run classes or teaching events. I teach a free yoga class once a week. If you can do stuff that might be of interest, go discuss with your local library
• community theater nearby? Ever wanted to do behind the scenes stuff? Building sets, get trained to do lighting and sound, make costumes or even audition to act! It's a blast!




Seek out local parks and explore your town/city.



Take classes at a local community college. If interested TEACH classes at a local community college.



If you like kids, go volunteer at a the local elementary or middle school.



Visit the elderly at a retirement home. Volunteer to help with movie nights or activities or just spend some time talking or reading to those that don't have many visitors.



Learn to cook/sew/paint/dance/science/rock climb...

 

[MarieIG]

Well, what about finding a job that you like that IS compatible with DH's career? Obviously, you don't need to make the big bucks or work full time. You have options.

 

[Jerry1]

So DH is still working - right? So are you FI as a family, or only FI as long as DH is working? Reason for the question is to understand if you're doing this all on your own of if this is a joint or family situation. Can DH retire?

Assuming you're not working because as a family, you don't need to, and at 37, I'd think of it more as a change in careers rather than retirement. I think I'd look seriously into starting your own business or in a similar sense, consulting. Something where you could have control to do it on your terms. The goal would be exercising your brain power and engaging in social activity. Maybe a small store or hobby activity where you'd engage with people.

While I'm sure 18 months seems like a long time, it is not that long. Look at all you've done in that 18 months and consider what you liked and what you did not like. The time hasn't been wasted if you've at least ruled out some things you're NOT interested in.


One other thing - consider your health. Are you exercising and eating well? Taking time to focus on your health, the health of DH and possibly the rest of your family is at least one rewarding thing you can pursue if you haven't already.

 

[tmm99]

I retired because my family is FI, and my w**k was not compatible with my DH's career. We both love(d) our j*bs, he made more money, so he kept his and I lost mine.

Can you elaborate? It sounds like you quit your job rather reluctantly.

 

[flintnational]

I had a co-worker that retired when he was FI. He then went and ran a non-profit.

The DW has started a card group with the women in the neighborhood. They meet a couple of times a week to chat and play cards. Yes, wine is usually involved. Numerous social opportunities have grown from the card playing.

I have focused on increased reading, travel, numerous hobbies, and helping friends and family.

At your age, you could easily start another career even if it required a new degree.

It can take a couple of years to build your new life. But, that is what you have to do, build it. You have to decide what you want to do and set it up.

 

[joeea]

I retired because my family is FI, and my w**k was not compatible with my DH's career. We both love(d) our j*bs, he made more money, so he kept his and I lost mine.

So in spite of the fact that your "family is FI", your husband continues to work, yet you left a job you loved?

What kind of work did you do that was "not compatible" with your husband's career?

Why don't you find a new job, so that you can both love what you are doing? Seems like you deserve that, no?

 

[bloom2708]

Op, your post is hard to follow.

Are you a stay at home parent?

If you are FI and your husband is still w*rk*ng, then find part time work that you LOVE.

Start a blog or website. Sell stuff on eBay. Spend time here and Bogleheads and help others get to FI.

18 months is not long.

 

[marko]

Have you tried reading/posting here for 4 or 5 hours a day? It only feels like a few minutes went by and then, bam! you've spent half of the day.

 

[kato]

Sorry for the delay. I had trouble logging in, went out of town, came back...

So DH is still working - right? So are you FI as a family, or only FI as long as DH is working? Reason for the question is to understand if you're doing this all on your own of if this is a joint or family situation. Can DH retire?

Yes, DH can retire. He could retire years ago but keeps plugging along.

I think I'd look seriously into starting your own business or in a similar sense, consulting. Something where you could have control to do it on your terms.

I agree, but this is much easier said than done, it's the kind of project that will take years and may not work out (in terms of offering sufficient intellectual / social engagement).

One other thing - consider your health.

I was working on this, and then sort of fell off the wagon. Evidently I didn't like my new exercise routine enough. I need to try again.

 

[kato]

Can you elaborate? It sounds like you quit your job rather reluctantly.

I did quit my job reluctantly. It was a great job, I liked what I did and the people on my team. It was kind of a unique thing though. There's nothing like it in the place where we live now, and moving would mean DH would have to retire.

 

[HI Bill]

Do you have a rai·son d'ê·tre? Have you ever found something that you truly live for? For me, it's scuba diving, and underwater photography. Actually, now, it's my wife, and scuba diving, and underwater photography. Find something you love, and are truly interested in, whether in work, hobby, or volunteering.

 

[kato]

The DW has started a card group with the women in the neighborhood. They meet a couple of times a week to chat and play cards. Yes, wine is usually involved. Numerous social opportunities have grown from the card playing.

This is an interesting idea. I do like wine and in the past I did enjoy some card games.

It can take a couple of years to build your new life. But, that is what you have to do, build it. You have to decide what you want to do and set it up.

Thank you for this encouragement, I appreciate it.

 

[kato]

Do you have a rai·son d'ê·tre? Have you ever found something that you truly live for? For me, it's scuba diving, and underwater photography. Actually, now, it's my wife, and scuba diving, and underwater photography. Find something you love, and are truly interested in, whether in work, hobby, or volunteering.

A passion! I would say that I have not found one yet. From what I've heard, it's the kind of thing that finds you, rather than the other way around. I've experimented with potential passions but haven't found one that stuck yet. The closest I've come is the work I was doing in my last job. Maybe I can find a derivative of that that's an even better fit?

 

[Fedup]

I absolutely understand the isolation. This is why I often wonder why some people want to retire so young. I made very special effort everyday to get out and meet people, even if they are not friends, just acquaintances. Take a class for fun, do something you like. I hate volunteer so I never did any. I join a bridge club for socialization. I take art, badminton, and belly dancing classes so I meet some people, not to be so isolated.
Art is my new found passion.

 

[kato]

So in spite of the fact that your "family is FI", your husband continues to work, yet you left a job you loved?

Correct. Life is not fair. I've got a great life but I can't have it all. Even in the FI world the person with the bigger paycheck gets first dibs on keeping their job.

What kind of work did you do that was "not compatible" with your husband's career?

My work was location specific and my DH's job left that location.

Why don't you find a new job, so that you can both love what you are doing? Seems like you deserve that, no?

Eventually, yes. For the foreseeable future probably not. It's a question of collective good, and for the collective good of the family and achieving our goals it's better that I don't work (even if that results in boredom and loneliness).

 

[kato]

Op, your post is hard to follow.

Are you a stay at home parent?

I have no kids. I'm increasingly becoming a stay at home wife, but I'm not very good at that.

18 months is not long.

This is an excellent point and it's one that I too often lose sight of.

 

[Fedup]

Even when I had kids, very young kid, I went back to work, it was very isolating.

 

[aida2003]

Correct. Life is not fair. I've got a great life but I can't have it all. Even in the FI world the person with the bigger paycheck gets first dibs on keeping their job.

My work was location specific and my DH's job left that location.

Eventually, yes. For the foreseeable future probably not. It's a question of collective good, and for the collective good of the family and achieving our goals it's better that I don't work (even if that results in boredom and loneliness).

Well, not to criticize, but it sounds that OP is like a canary in a golden cage. Since the money is not a problem, why don't you take up traveling and help your husband to spend some dough while he keeps enjoying making more dollars. I'm sure a travel agent would not have a problem matching you with a group of people. You'd get to see something new, meet people, had an adventure, and hopefully after a while your DH would join you in the retirement.

Thank you for others posting ideas for the OP. I copied for my files just in case I need ideas in the future.

 

[marko]

When I first RE'd I thought I might get a nothing PT job, like bagging in a grocery store. Just for fun and to stay out there.

The store manager--who I knew well--looked at me and said: "What the hell is wrong with you?! You're doing what 99% of the people wish they could be doing! Go learn how to sit on the beach or something. Figure it out."

And that's what I did. RE is hard and there is an adjustment period.

OP's post sounds more like a resentment about having to give up a job 'for the greater good' than an actual problem.

When I RE'd everyone thought I'd be bored except my late uncle who observed: "You won't be bored, you have too many things that interest you". And he was right.
IMO, boredom comes from within and listening to the world's smallest violin doesn't help.

 

[pacergal]

IMO, boredom comes from within and listening to the world's smallest violin doesn't help.

I love this line! I have been retired 2 years and occasionally have days/time when I feel bored...need to remember this quote!