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Old 01-08-2015, 07:31 PM   #21
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Originally Posted by iditarod View Post
You know what, I apologize for coming to the wrong place. I should have gone to a real face -to-face stroke support group.

Now that I've been called a gold digger, I'd like to clarify that would I would like is for him to *make the choice.* If he wants to keep working, then he should keep working, and actually work - not sit around surfing the net while I do all the marketing, all the accounting and clerical work, make sure he does his taxes,
maitain his linkedin page, try to get his web site up and running for him, write the copy for it, make sure he gets business cards, try to get him to read a book on marketing,
and all that crap, all the while also taking him round to lots of doctors and making sure he gets good care by doing tons of health research. And all the while doing all the cooking and cleaning too.

I am sucked dry. So PLEASE don't on your high horses and judge me for being
a gold digger, without even taking the time to read what I actually said in my OP.

If he chooses to retire that is fine, and if he chooses to work, that is fine too, IF he actually works!

I'm so sorry that I posted about something more than just what investments to make after retiring.

Yes, I really really know that I'm the one who has to figure it out. My god, I guess all those stroke survivors have to figure it out for themselves too. I don't know what the point of any stroke support group is? I mean really, how co-dependent!

Thank you to those who actually meant well. I'm done here. Can I delete my own thread?
Best of luck to both you and your s/o.
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Old 01-08-2015, 07:43 PM   #22
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I understand more about your frustration with your latest post. You said it's OK too if he does not want to work, and it appears he really doesn't.

In a earlier (deleted) post, you mentioned that he should be thinking about tapping into retirement but hasn't. Is that not a default action? What happens if you let nature run its course? Does he understand that the savings must be tapped or utilities will get turned off and his Internet connection will go dead?

So, the basic question is whether he is mentally competent.
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Old 01-08-2015, 07:59 PM   #23
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Old 01-08-2015, 08:24 PM   #24
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I'm confused.
Where did anyone call you a gold digger?

I'll admit I suggested personal fiscal responsibility in pretty clear, direct language. It's the same advice I give all my female friends. Especially those that don't have the legal provisions that come with marriage, but are dependent on their s/o's income or savings.... It's called taking care of #1, yourself. FWIW, I'm female.

Most self help groups encourage personal responsibility and accountability. You can't change the external world - only yourself... and the advice I gave you was along those lines.

I wish you all the best. You're in a tough situation, for sure. I hope you get the solutions/answers your looking for...
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Old 01-08-2015, 09:11 PM   #25
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Originally Posted by iditarod View Post
...Now that I've been called a gold digger, I'd like to clarify that would I would like is for him to *make the choice.* If he wants to keep working, then he should keep working, and actually work - not sit around surfing the net while I do all the marketing, all the accounting and clerical work, make sure he does his taxes, maitain his linkedin page, try to get his web site up and running for him, write the copy for it, make sure he gets business cards, ...

Thank you to those who actually meant well. I'm done here. Can I delete my own thread?
Actually, no poster here used those words at all. The folks here are very knowledgable and have been a great source of advice, in my experience.

You sound like you have very marketable skills. Perhaps you could strike out on your own for your own paid employment doing these same things for small businesses in your area.

I am a female, but that makes no difference to this discussion. My intent is to help you channel what seems to be a very high level of frustration into something positive.

Your situation sounds like one in which you need to put your hands firmly on your own steering wheel and go forward with finding paid employment.
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Old 01-09-2015, 12:46 AM   #26
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Originally Posted by iditarod View Post
You know what, I apologize for coming to the wrong place. I should have gone to a real face -to-face stroke support group.

Now that I've been called a gold digger, I'd like to clarify that would I would like is for him to *make the choice.* If he wants to keep working, then he should keep working, and actually work - not sit around surfing the net while I do all the marketing, all the accounting and clerical work, make sure he does his taxes,
maitain his linkedin page, try to get his web site up and running for him, write the copy for it, make sure he gets business cards, try to get him to read a book on marketing,
and all that crap, all the while also taking him round to lots of doctors and making sure he gets good care by doing tons of health research. And all the while doing all the cooking and cleaning too.

I am sucked dry. So PLEASE don't on your high horses and judge me for being
a gold digger, without even taking the time to read what I actually said in my OP.

If he chooses to retire that is fine, and if he chooses to work, that is fine too, IF he actually works!

I'm so sorry that I posted about something more than just what investments to make after retiring.

Yes, I really really know that I'm the one who has to figure it out. My god, I guess all those stroke survivors have to figure it out for themselves too. I don't know what the point of any stroke support group is? I mean really, how co-dependent!

Thank you to those who actually meant well. I'm done here. Can I delete my own thread?
Sigh. Some posters took your initial post seriously enough to give their well meaning advices and you came back with this.
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Old 01-09-2015, 09:06 AM   #27
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My god, I guess all those stroke survivors have to figure it out for themselves too.
In my very limited experience with family members who were recovering from stroke, they needed significant care in the initial stages. After that was a long period of rehabilitation that needed significant efforts from the patient. Those that were driven to help themselves made great progress and achieved good (if not perfect) recovery. Those that wallowed in their misfortune and merely allowed events to overtake them, quickly declined and suffered progressively worse debilitation.

My experience is limited, but the effect I observed was striking and seemed powerful. If you have any ability to encourage him to take positive action and do whatever physical therapy is recommended, that seems like a big part of what's needed to make significant recovery. If he's allowed to drift and decline, he likely will decline further.

Sorry I didn't get to see your OP, which is now deleted, but I hope you are encouraged that significant recovery from stroke is possible.
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Old 01-09-2015, 09:19 AM   #28
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Sigh. Some posters took your initial post seriously enough to give their well meaning advices and you came back with this.
There is clearly a lot of frustration going on in the OP's situation. Perhaps maybe she will continue to read our responses in lurk mode and gain something valuable.

When I was widowed over 10 years ago, I was in a very good position financially. However, I met some ladies (and a few men) who were definitely not. Debt, mortgage, not a great income, inadequate life insurance or none at all, etc etc.

Would it be of any value to the forum population to discuss the right things for a woman (or man) to have in place should such an event like permanent disability or death happen to an SO or spouse ? This forum is all about learning and sharing experiences.

I won't go into great detail, but there are things that need to be addressed, especially for our younger members.

Take the lead, folks. Or let the thread go dormant.
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Old 01-09-2015, 09:27 AM   #29
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free, with all respect, you actually are in a better position than most of us to know all too well the financial plans that are needed to protect yourself in the even of death or disability of a spouse or SO.

I have seen a sad situation where a longtime companion/caretaker was booted out within a week of the death of her SO by his adult kids. She was the beneficiary of one small IRA, but it was definitely not enough to live on for any length of time. Sad, but I was frustrated that she somehow couldn't see this coming, and believed her SO when he said she could live in the house after his death, but made no provisions for a life estate or anything else.

At minimum, you need to know how your state treats your living arrangements (common-law marriage or whatever) and what assets are commingled versus owned separately.

What tips or suggestions would you have, free?
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Old 01-09-2015, 09:47 AM   #30
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I'll do some googling and see if I can come up with a good list. Right now I am cross checking my cell contacts from the old phone to the new phone. That will keep me busy for quite a while.

"Tap" me on the head if I don't post something by tomorrow.
In the meantime, by all means let's get some good links posted here.

As a starter, there is a great book from Nolo that deals with living together situations.
http://smile.amazon.com/Living-Toget...arried+couples

I have the 2006 edition. It is a fabulous book.

This one looks interesting. I don't own a copy.
The Legal Answer Book for Families
http://smile.amazon.com/Legal-Answer...lo+legal+guide
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Old 01-09-2015, 09:54 AM   #31
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I'm not sure why iditarod was upset. The first replies emphasized counseling but later went into financial issues that specifically stressed self-protection. I don't see anything that implies she was sponging off her sugar daddy. She is clearly distraught. We know very little about her and his specific situation and arrangements.

Stroke support counseling is clearly the right way to go but nobody can make the SO go and participate. Nobody means you (iditarod) any harm. Do what you can but protect yourself if things don't work out. If not married, your legal rights are substantially reduced.
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Old 01-09-2015, 10:35 AM   #32
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free, with all respect, you actually are in a better position than most of us to know all too well the financial plans that are needed to protect yourself in the even of death or disability of a spouse or SO.

I have seen a sad situation where a longtime companion/caretaker was booted out within a week of the death of her SO by his adult kids. She was the beneficiary of one small IRA, but it was definitely not enough to live on for any length of time. Sad, but I was frustrated that she somehow couldn't see this coming, and believed her SO when he said she could live in the house after his death, but made no provisions for a life estate or anything else.

At minimum, you need to know how your state treats your living arrangements (common-law marriage or whatever) and what assets are commingled versus owned separately.

What tips or suggestions would you have, free?
I would have suggested she get a lawyer.... say there was a common law marriage and go from there... not sure where you live, but here a spouse has the legal right to live in the house even if it was separate property of the one who died.... DW was telling me about someone from her church who was doing that.... his spouse died and the house went to her kids.... and her kids are paying the mortgage but cannot kick him out...
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Old 01-09-2015, 12:48 PM   #33
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I'm not sure why iditarod was upset. The first replies emphasized counseling but later went into financial issues that specifically stressed self-protection. I don't see anything that implies she was sponging off her sugar daddy. She is clearly distraught. We know very little about her and his specific situation and arrangements.
She was looking for sympathy and didn't get one from those who hinted that she should try to be more independent (i.e, get a job)?

I read between the lines of the OP's posts more than I care to. Clearly, she is upset about "her" current situation but I didn't sense any "care" pouring out of the OP of her SO. It was mostly about me, myself, and I, and not much about how the SO is feeling, why he is doing what he is doing, .... I sense her bitterness about her SO not going back to work but I didn't read any willingness on her part to seriously look for a job. Even a part-time job at Walmart or McDonalds can go a long way to help with $3000/month budget.
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Old 01-09-2015, 12:53 PM   #34
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Depending on the severity of the stroke often a person is no longer legally competent. The point to which they recover depends on the severity of the stroke, how long before they got treatment, etc. There is a drug that can help but it must be given within a very short period of time for it to work (if I remember right like an hour). If people are able to return to work, etc then thank goodness the stroke was not severe.
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Old 01-09-2015, 01:34 PM   #35
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I'll do some googling and see if I can come up with a good list. Right now I am cross checking my cell contacts from the old phone to the new phone. That will keep me busy for quite a while.

"Tap" me on the head if I don't post something by tomorrow.
In the meantime, by all means let's get some good links posted here.

As a starter, there is a great book from Nolo that deals with living together situations.
http://smile.amazon.com/Living-Toget...arried+couples

I have the 2006 edition. It is a fabulous book.

This one looks interesting. I don't own a copy.
The Legal Answer Book for Families
http://smile.amazon.com/Legal-Answer...lo+legal+guide
Thanks for the book recommendation.. I'm looking to move states when I leave my job next month and its a lot harder than I thought to track down all the crazy laws by state. My S/O and I couldn't be more different in how we approach savings, spending, etc.. which I think is the main reason not to marry, but we have plenty of time to figure it out. I'm behind on my paper work and this types of posts are quick reminders to get the paperwork in place.

I hope all goes well with the stroke recovery. I'm sure it will change all things moving forward in their relationship. I feel for them as there is just so many day to day stresses to deal with.. and there is no easy fix.
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Old 01-09-2015, 01:46 PM   #36
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She was looking for sympathy and didn't get one from those who hinted that she should try to be more independent (i.e, get a job)?

I read between the lines of the OP's posts more than I care to. Clearly, she is upset about "her" current situation but I didn't sense any "care" pouring out of the OP of her SO. It was mostly about me, myself, and I, and not much about how the SO is feeling, why he is doing what he is doing, .... I sense her bitterness about her SO not going back to work but I didn't read any willingness on her part to seriously look for a job. Even a part-time job at Walmart or McDonalds can go a long way to help with $3000/month budget.
She is in a crappy position. Most of the advice was geared towards her situation which was not described very well in the initial post.

We didn't gush endlessly on "poor you" type comments. On this forum we tend to suggest a path forward or something to consider doing.

She is apparently trying to hold the situation together expecting a miracle to inspire her SO. It could happen but planning on a miracle is a low probability outcome. Without any info, we have no clue whether a job for her anywhere is really needed. She can only roll the rock uphill so long. The depth of the relationship with the SO is also not defined in detail. How far is she willing and able to go before cashing in her chips? It's unfortunate we couldn't help.
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Old 01-09-2015, 02:08 PM   #37
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We didn't gush endlessly on "poor you" type comments. On this forum we tend to suggest a path forward or something to consider doing.
Er.org members & moderators are the "nicest" bunch I know of any forums. I.e, she picked the right forum to get some sympathy and got some of that. She also got a few good advices that may interpreted as not so sympathetic to her flight. No one implied that she was a gold digger. Go figure.
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Old 01-09-2015, 02:14 PM   #38
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The OP and her SO are obviously facing major challenges so it is not surprising that she is upset and frustrated. However, it may be very difficult for someone has suffered a stroke to (a) make a full functional recovery and (b) muster the motivation to go out and find work, even if he is theoretically able to carry out that work. Blaming the stroke patient for his inability or seeming lack of motivation to work seems harsh. Certainly, both partners need moral support. That said, it would not be at all unreasonable in a loving relationship for the stroke patient's partner to take the lead in problem solving. The suggestions of forum members were offered in a helpful spirit. It was disappointing to see how they were summarily rejected. Perhaps the OP may find what she is looking for elsewhere.
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Old 01-09-2015, 02:52 PM   #39
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The OP and her SO are obviously facing major challenges so it is not surprising that she is upset and frustrated. However, it may be very difficult for someone has suffered a stroke to (a) make a full functional recovery and (b) muster the motivation to go out and find work, even if he is theoretically able to carry out that work. Blaming the stroke patient for his inability or seeming lack of motivation to work seems harsh. Certainly, both partners need moral support. That said, it would not be at all unreasonable in a loving relationship for the stroke patient's partner to take the lead in problem solving. The suggestions of forum members were offered in a helpful spirit. It was disappointing to see how they were summarily rejected. Perhaps the OP may find what she is looking for elsewhere.
You may be different but sometimes DW tells me about her problems just so I can tell her how sorry I am for her troubles. My tendency is to problem solve which she doesn't always want right away. Of course, there are no issues with our bills being paid.

To me it sounded like the OP had an immediate issue that required short term resolution. That seemed to be how it started but I guess we weren't sympathetic enough.
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Old 01-09-2015, 02:55 PM   #40
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She was looking for sympathy and didn't get one from those who hinted that she should try to be more independent (i.e, get a job)?

I read between the lines of the OP's posts more than I care to. Clearly, she is upset about "her" current situation but I didn't sense any "care" pouring out of the OP of her SO. It was mostly about me, myself, and I, and not much about how the SO is feeling, why he is doing what he is doing, .... I sense her bitterness about her SO not going back to work but I didn't read any willingness on her part to seriously look for a job. Even a part-time job at Walmart or McDonalds can go a long way to help with $3000/month budget.
Well I for one missed the OPs original posts..... so I do not know what she was saying and why....


But I can see how someone new could read into the post what she did read into them even though it was not written... maybe they hit too close to home without meaning to.... IOW, maybe some of her friends and relatives have called her a gold digger and she is sensitive in that area and any hint to that could have triggered her response...

Again, I did not read her posts so I am just throwing out a wild guess on this...
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