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S/O forced to retire, he won't face it
Old 01-08-2015, 01:15 PM   #1
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S/O forced to retire, he won't face it

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Old 01-08-2015, 01:18 PM   #2
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Sounds like a major case of depression to me.
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Old 01-08-2015, 01:34 PM   #3
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Old 01-08-2015, 01:38 PM   #4
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Welcome to the forum. Congratulations on being one of the more unique posts we've had in awhile. Unfortunately, you also have a pretty tough situation. The +1 below means I agree with Brat. You two need to talk about your life together and financially moving forward. A certain amount of communication is needed and that amount is a whole lot.

Do you have a minister/pastor/etc that you could discuss this with? The other approach is a counseler of some sort (marriage/mental health/etc) but that will probably be harder. He needs to have a "problem" to get help. He's probably perfectly happy to surf the internet and he's tuned everything else out.

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Originally Posted by Brat View Post
Sounds like a major case of depression to me.
+1

You didn't say how much in savings there is - retirement or otherwise - and what your expenses are. If you throw all this in together, do you really have a problem or is the problem getting him to tap it?
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Old 01-08-2015, 02:13 PM   #5
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I'm no professional counselor (financially or medically speaking) but I can say that we noticed a significant change in my father's demeanor after his stroke. I hope you can convince him to take his Social Security and to begin tapping his 401K. Life is short as it is and I hope you make some progress with this situation.

Welcome to the forum by the way. Very knowledgeable and kind people here.
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Old 01-08-2015, 02:39 PM   #6
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iditarod, if you haven't already seen this I highly recommend you read it:

Depression | Stroke.org

Quote:
Many stroke survivors experience feelings of anger, frustration, anxiety, sadness, fear, and hopelessness in varying degrees. These emotions are common with post-stroke depression, which affects more than a third of stroke survivors.
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Old 01-08-2015, 02:48 PM   #7
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Welcome iditarod.

I agree that he sounds depressed. Unfortunately, until he recovers, or at least starts the steps to recover, you have to fend for yourself.

You use the term s/o - so I assume you're not married. You also mention you don't have a job. That puts you in a precarious financial situation... I'm not sure your age - but you should consider taking steps to assure YOUR financial situation... Since you're unmarried, if he were die, you wouldn't qualify for spousal benefit on his SS, etc.

You can't force him to do what he doesn't want to do. You can only take actions yourself and make changes yourself to improve your situation. I don't have enough information but based on your original post - it sounds like you should consider getting a job and adding to your own savings, so if things go south with your s/o... you'll have the means to deal with it.

Sorry if that's not what you want to hear... and please feel free to correct any misconceptions or assumptions I may have made.
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Old 01-08-2015, 04:07 PM   #8
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Sounds like depression to me as well. Drugs aren't the only solution, they're just the easiest. Therapy, exercise, eating well can all help a lot.
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Old 01-08-2015, 04:35 PM   #9
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When someone has had a stroke they often become very stubborn & making them do anything is very difficult. I worked in this area & my dad had a major stroke at 59. He also was depressed but meds did not help & I am sure it was because of the brain changes due to the stroke which is different from regular depressed people getting meds. For example at one point he decided he would not let my mother bathe him anymore. Just announced he was done bathing. Of course he got smelly & wee had to have a social worker come to the home to reason with him. That did not work so they hired 3 people to drag him to the bathroom & bathe him. After that he agreed to be bathed again.
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Old 01-08-2015, 04:36 PM   #10
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I am a little confused. He had a stroke, and has apparently recovered, but you are unhappy about the financial contributions that he should be making but is unable or unwilling to make at present. You describe him as your SO, not just a friend, so I also assume that there is some degree of joint finance. You mention that you have no job. Is SO also supporting you, or do you have support from some third party or perhaps your own retirement assets?

I am wondering, is there anything you can do personally to help in your joint endeavor, beyond complaining about his current state or trying to convince him to access his retirement funds?

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Old 01-08-2015, 04:50 PM   #11
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Old 01-08-2015, 05:04 PM   #12
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Old 01-08-2015, 05:19 PM   #13
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The only person who can change your situation is you. Time to figure out how you can help yourself and move on.
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Old 01-08-2015, 05:40 PM   #14
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Since he seems resistant (stubborn, depressed, whatever the reason) to expand his work and income, it seems like it's up to you to bring in income.

Have you been looking for a job, or work you can do for home.

Again - I go back to the fact that this is a reality if something happens to him. If he were to kick you out or have another stoke and die - you're in a bad spot. Only YOU can improve YOUR situation.

I'm not saying you should support him - but at least you should support yourself if he's not in a situation to support you.
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Old 01-08-2015, 05:43 PM   #15
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I'm a bit confused about the w*rk record of the OP. I did see the part in the original post about being a helper for the SO's business.

Besides that, what w*rk did you do ? Do you have financial assets to tide you over ? Are you employable ?

More information would be helpful.
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Old 01-08-2015, 05:47 PM   #16
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It looks like iditarod was looking for sympathy, not suggestions on how to improve her position.

I hope she comes back.
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Old 01-08-2015, 05:53 PM   #17
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Reading between the lines ....

Your SO has been supporting you all this time. You are nervous b/c his money is running out, and likely cannot/will not support you anymore. You don't think you can get a job easily (did you try hard enough while all these were going on?). Your SO may have issues after his recovery but I think you also have to work out what you are going to do about the current situation.
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Old 01-08-2015, 06:10 PM   #18
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Looks like perhaps Mr. Iditarod has come across this thread
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Old 01-08-2015, 06:50 PM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by robnplunder View Post
Reading between the lines ....

Your SO has been supporting you all this time. You are nervous b/c his money is running out, and likely cannot/will not support you anymore. You don't think you can get a job easily (did you try hard enough while all these were going on?). Your SO may have issues after his recovery but I think you also have to work out what you are going to do about the current situation.
lol Has anything like this ever happened before. Nah!
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Old 01-08-2015, 07:23 PM   #20
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You know what, I apologize for coming to the wrong place. I should have gone to a real face -to-face stroke support group.

Now that I've been called a gold digger, I'd like to clarify that would I would like is for him to *make the choice.* If he wants to keep working, then he should keep working, and actually work - not sit around surfing the net while I do all the marketing, all the accounting and clerical work, make sure he does his taxes,
maitain his linkedin page, try to get his web site up and running for him, write the copy for it, make sure he gets business cards, try to get him to read a book on marketing,
and all that crap, all the while also taking him round to lots of doctors and making sure he gets good care by doing tons of health research. And all the while doing all the cooking and cleaning too.

I am sucked dry. So PLEASE don't on your high horses and judge me for being
a gold digger, without even taking the time to read what I actually said in my OP.

If he chooses to retire that is fine, and if he chooses to work, that is fine too, IF he actually works!

I'm so sorry that I posted about something more than just what investments to make after retiring.

Yes, I really really know that I'm the one who has to figure it out. My god, I guess all those stroke survivors have to figure it out for themselves too. I don't know what the point of any stroke support group is? I mean really, how co-dependent!

Thank you to those who actually meant well. I'm done here. Can I delete my own thread?
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