63 and still deep in parenthood and the “not good”

[rayinpenn]

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Originally Posted by ivinsfan Ray's boy know he has to get moving on the history getting texts about isn't going to fix a darn thing.

Perhaps but in Spanish a D became a B - we suggested flash cards.

[rayinpenn]

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Originally Posted by brett We really never cared if our son got C's in university. What we cared about was that he was learning, experiencing new things, learning to be independent, etc. His grades were his business. As long as he got through and graduated we were happy. He knew what kind of grades/performance were required for post graduate work. Likewise, my parents never asked for my grades. They realized that they could not spoon feed me and that I had to make a decision to do it or not do it. But the decision was mine. I interviewed and hired folks from university. It was very easy to tell who had been coddled and spoiled vs who had passed over the line and become independent. We hired the latter types into IT. We wanted people who could do it on their own and did not require, want, or expect constant hand holding. Grades were not important to us either. We wanted a new hire who could learn and one who had finished a course of study and graduated. Not so much for the diploma or certificate but for the fact that he or she finished a life project successfully without giving up or abandoning it. I really think that we do our children a dis service by not letting go and allowing them to move forward with their lives.

Funny but in my firm I would say just to get an interview 3.3 gpa or better, from select schools as well. Actually for the very best firms that is quite common.

[ivinsfan]

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Originally Posted by rayinpenn Perhaps but in Spanish a D became a B - we suggested flash cards.

A study tip one thing texting what's happening with History is different, though maybe flash cards could work for history.

[Gumby]

I sure don't envy you guys with fledgling adults, trying to figure out the best approach. We never had any of our own, so I can't offer any parenting tips.

I can tell you that I left home and joined the Navy at 18, three weeks after graduating from high school. On that day, my dad shook my hand and said "good luck, Son". I didn't see or speak to him again for another ten years. I saw my mother no more than a half dozen times during that time. From that moment on, I was neither dependent on nor responsible to anyone but myself. My younger brother and sister took their leave in the same manner (actually, I think my brother was only 17), and their 5 children have done the same in their turn.

Although I know that most families are not like mine, it still seems odd to hear about 20-somethings living with their parents.

[Bigdawg]

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Originally Posted by Gumby I sure don't envy you guys with fledgling adults, trying to figure out the best approach. We never had any of our own, so I can't offer any parenting tips. I can tell you that I left home and joined the Navy at 18, three weeks after graduating from high school. On that day, my dad shook my hand and said "good luck, Son". I didn't see or speak to him again for another ten years. I saw my mother no more than a half dozen times during that time. From that moment on, I was neither dependent on nor responsible to anyone but myself. My younger brother and sister took their leave in the same manner (actually, I think my brother was only 17), and their 5 children have done the same in their turn. Although I know that most families are not like mine, it still seems odd to hear about 20-somethings living with their parents.

+1

[brett]

Same here. After a year in a local college I moved to a university quite some distance away. Never came back home after that. Worked summers in the new local and lived there.

My son went to university in our city but moved into his apt. with a girlfriend in his third year. That was that for him. Daughter was not much different.

[aja8888]

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Originally Posted by Gumby I sure don't envy you guys with fledgling adults, trying to figure out the best approach. We never had any of our own, so I can't offer any parenting tips. I can tell you that I left home and joined the Navy at 18, three weeks after graduating from high school. On that day, my dad shook my hand and said "good luck, Son". I didn't see or speak to him again for another ten years. I saw my mother no more than a half dozen times during that time. From that moment on, I was neither dependent on nor responsible to anyone but myself. My younger brother and sister took their leave in the same manner (actually, I think my brother was only 17), and their 5 children have done the same in their turn. Although I know that most families are not like mine, it still seems odd to hear about 20-somethings living with their parents.

Same story here as I was out at 17, worked for a while, then promised an all expense paid trip to SE Asia. After 4 years I went to college on the GI Bill. Never saw a dime fro my parents (they didn't have one anyway) and I moved out of state after graduation.

Our daughters made it through college and we paid some of the living costs, but they mostly did it on their own. I never saw grades or asked for them. Seems like they got over the partying once they had to work while in college and were paying for an apartment.

[ncbill]

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Originally Posted by aja8888 Same story here as I was out at 17, worked for a while, then promised an all expense paid trip to SE Asia. After 4 years I went to college on the GI Bill. Never saw a dime fro my parents (they didn't have one anyway) and I moved out of state after graduation.

Yep, our '529 plan' consisted of asking each kid what branch of the U.S. military they'd like to serve in after graduation...

[brett]

I suspect that the bottom line is how deep do you want to be involved in parenthood at this stage of your children's lives and are you doing this for you or for them?

I think this cake is baked. How they slice and consume it is now up to them. You can flit on them until you are blue in the face but will that change their outcome or does it make you feel better?

[Breedlove]

Probably sad to say , never raised a girl but she probably had a bad hangover and didn't want to answer any of your questions so she stayed in bed .

[mystang52]

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Originally Posted by brett I suspect that the bottom line is how deep do you want to be involved in parenthood at this stage of your children's lives and are you doing this for you or for them? I think this cake is baked. How they slice and consume it is now up to them. You can flit on them until you are blue in the face but will that change their outcome or does it make you feel better?

I fully empathize with OP. My 2 kids are older, parents themselves, financially comfortable. But they still call me for advice on various issues. You never stop being a parent.

[Scrapr]

Perhaps if you served some "Hair of the Dog" you could judge her reaction. If she runs from the room puking in the bathroom...there's your culprit. At least that is mine 40 years on. Rum at a Beach Boys concert. Never, and I mean never again.

Just surprise her a bit at dinner! And yeah, I'd bet it was shots. I'd rub it in a little just to make sure she remembered. In a fun way of course

[kcowan]

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Originally Posted by brett I really think that we do our children a dis service by not letting go and allowing them to move forward with their lives.

I aced school with amazing scholarship marks. So when my boys were at the Uni, I laid off and simply said: "you will get assistance for 4 years". After that, you are on your own. It worked out just fine. FIL also committed to give them a cash grant upon graduation to buy their first car.

One took over my Mazda RX7 and some cash. The other took a used Nissan 240sx on a lease. Very different approaches.

They still live different lives but I feel confident that we let them develop on their own.

[tulak]

I think a lot of this also depends on the relationship you have, or want to have, with your kids. I feel that we stopped parenting awhile ago, especially when it comes to school. DS is a freshman in college and DD a junior in HS. Both of our kids want to make money and realize an education will help them achieve that goal. They also realize that us paying for their college education is a damn good deal. It’s pretty much up to them to mess it up.

But that doesn’t mean we don’t talk about their classes, what’s going on in their life, etc. Same way that I talk about my work stuff with them. Part of this also includes sharing advice (heck, isn’t that what we do on this forum?). I also do this with my friends, so why not my kids?

DS comes home every couple of weeks for the weekend, mostly to visit his girlfriend. I’m looking forward to grabbing coffee with him and catching up when he’s here. We don’t talk every day, but I sure hope that I’ll have a long-term friendship with both my kids.

[brett]

I was in a position to pay for my own post secondary education thanks to some very good summer jobs, and part time jobs through the year. My parents never questioned my marks. They knew, that I understood that this part was key to my future. Marks were never an issue for me.

I had friends in university who left. Sometimes poor marks, an over active social life was really an out for them. For some, university was not the right place. They were there because it was the thing to do or because their parents pushed them to it. Some have subsequently build very successful lives, careers, and in once case a very successful business. Post secondary was just not for them. They needed something else and were fortunate enough to find it. A few others returned...but when it was 'right' for them and they were truly ready for it.

We paid for both our childrens education. And today, if our son decided in his early 30's that he may return for additional post graduate work or to enable a second career, we would happily assist him financially. But we never considered paying their tuition entitled us to audit the results down to the end of term course marks. Nor do I think that they would have appreciated that incursion. If they do not get it by the third of fourth year of university then chances are it will take them a great deal longer, if ever.

Of course we were, and are, always there for them. But we do not expect them to live in our pockets. Nor do they.

[Badger]

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Originally Posted by rayinpenn +1 .. 4. With regard to ‘hovering’ over my son. I heard from the Mrs. he was struggling with history. My only two lines texted to him in the last 2 weeks: “I assume you are giving history your full attention “ answer: “yes” “how is everything else going?” Answer : “the only class I’m struggling with is history ...all the rest are fine”. My second question was more about college life in general but he didn’t read it that way i didn’t want to pester him. The Mrs has the more regular weekly contact. That in my opinion is about as far from hovering as one can get. Since history is pretty much the retention of facts I am annoyed but I recognize it is his deal... It is however the Mrs and my hard earned money so We “have skin in the game”.

For what it's worth everyone has their strong areas of interest. I also had a hard time learning history in a classroom setting although I enjoy watching all the history, archeology, etc programs on the History Channel. However, did very well in the numerous Biology and Chemistry classes as well as Psych and Philosophy. I find it amusing that some wonder how your son can have a difficult time with history (after all it's just a little memorization). I wonder if they would say the same thing about the sciences.

Cheers!