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A brief History of Thanksgiving
Old 11-26-2008, 05:16 PM   #1
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A brief History of Thanksgiving

A History of Thanksgiving

1492 - Christopher Columbus discovers America, unless you count the native peoples already living there. Columbus doesn't. Columbus and crew celebrate by holding a dinner, giving thanks for their safe arrival. Embarrassment ensues when every Indian brings maize, and nobody brings pumpkin pie.

1620 - Pilgrim men invent sport of football to avoid helping clean up after Thanksgiving dinner.

1671 - First embarrassing drunken relatives at Thanksgiving dinner, as Captain John Smith's parents tell Pocahontas the "hilarious" old "I got lost in the maize" joke for the hundredth time.

1701 - At a historic Thanksgiving dinner, Dutch settlers unveil historic "Indians Give Us All Of Their Land Treaty." Due to an unfortunate oversight, the Indians are left off of the invite list, and the treaty is signed without them.

1776 - Excited that his British in-laws finally agreed to meet him for Thanksgiving dinner, silversmith Paul Revere rides through Boston announcing the news. Unfortunately, many colonists misinterpret his cry "the British are coming!" as a warning, leading to the Revolutionary War.

1812 - At an international Thanksgiving dinner, King George of England, still hurting from losing the Revolutionary War, challenges United States President James Madison to "best 2 out of 3."

1860 - At a Senate Thanksgiving dinner, the seven-year-old son of Alabama's Senator Richard Applebee insults the Senators from Massachusetts, New York, and Pennsylvania, sparking the Civil War. The tradition of the "children's table" is instituted in 1861.

1903 - Canada steals idea of Thanksgiving holiday, placing it in October, so they can say it was their idea first.

1928 - To commemorate "our nation's greatest era of prosperity that will last forever and ever," President Herbert Hoover dumps ceremonial ten thousand turkeys into the Potomac River.

1929 - Following the Great Stock Market Crash, thousands of men go Turkey Diving in the Potomac River.

1957 - Declaring her spicy stuffing "a communist threat to undermine my health via heartburn," Senator Joe McCarthy has his wife placed under arrest as a Soviet saboteur.

1969 - The world's largest Eat-In event goes sour. Thousands of hippies start having bad trips when bad "brown gravy" gets passed around.

1991 - When Dan Quayle takes ill on Thanksgiving; a turkey is sworn as Vice President for three days. No change is noticed.

1997 - Strong natural tranquilizer tryptophane is discovered in turkey. A Colombian cartel immediately starts selling "pure" turkey on the streets for $500 an ounce. Turkey farmers get involved in drive-by shootings, and the U.S. government declares a national fowl emergency.

2002 - America is on a terrorist alert. It is now against the law to stuff a turkey since anyone is suspicious of hiding explosives. Saddam Hussein is caught trying to smuggle Turkeys filled with WMD's in containers bound for the US.

2008- You are wasting valuable time reading this Thanksgiving crap.
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Old 11-26-2008, 05:48 PM   #2
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A History of Thanksgiving

1969 - The world's largest Eat-In event goes sour. Thousands of hippies start having bad trips when bad "brown gravy" gets passed around.
Wavy gravy...
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Old 11-26-2008, 07:33 PM   #3
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Wavy gravy...
I worked with a guy named "Wavy" whose mother was at an impressionable age during her pregnancy.

Wavy said he was lucky that he wasn't named Jimi or Arlo or Richie...
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Old 11-27-2008, 10:12 AM   #4
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Thanks, MickyD, you’ve added a new expression to my euphemisms, my in-laws will be forever known as “The British.” Uh oh, they’re crossing the Delaware as we speak. “Over the river and through the woods.” They’re coming. Terrifying.
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Old 11-27-2008, 12:06 PM   #5
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Thanks, MickyD, you’ve added a new expression to my euphemisms, my in-laws will be forever known as “The British.” Uh oh, they’re crossing the Delaware as we speak. “Over the river and through the woods.” They’re coming. Terrifying.
Not to rain on your parade: but wasn't it Washington who "crossed the
Delaware" - to attack the British by surprise.
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Old 11-27-2008, 02:39 PM   #6
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Not to rain on your parade: but wasn't it Washington who "crossed the
Delaware" - to attack the British by surprise.
Not to rain on your parade, but while it was George who crossed the Delaware, it was to attack Hessians and not Brits. The Hessians were a large part of the British Army, but were German conscripts hired out as whole units to the British.
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Old 11-27-2008, 07:10 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by RustyShackleford View Post
Not to rain on your parade: but wasn't it Washington who "crossed the
Delaware" - to attack the British by surprise.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Leonidas View Post
Not to rain on your parade, but while it was George who crossed the Delaware, it was to attack Hessians and not Brits. The Hessians were a large part of the British Army, but were German conscripts hired out as whole units to the British.
Heck, I thought George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and let it fall in the Delaware River, where it landed on Larry the Cable Guy's ancestor's fishin' boat!
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Old 11-27-2008, 07:22 PM   #8
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Not to rain on your parade, but while it was George who crossed the Delaware, it was to attack Hessians and not Brits. The Hessians were a large part of the British Army, but were German conscripts hired out as whole units to the British.
The Crossing at Trenton, and I've actually been there.
What's wrong with this painting?

Battle of Trenton - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
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