Adult Child is Hoarder in Parents' House

[LauAnn]

My 57 year old brother lives in my parents' house. My parents are in their mid-eighties. My brother helps with paying the monthly expenses but there is no formal lease.

While never medically/mentally diagnosed, my brother has hoarding tendencies. It has gotten so bad that he can no longer sleep in his bed because he has filled up all available space on the floors. He now sleeps in a recliner in a guest bedroom; and his 'belongings' have begun to encroach into that area as well.

His bedroom can no longer be cleaned because of the clutter and it has that 'dirty' smell to it. There are a couple narrow paths to navigate the room.

His belongings are trash by most people's standards but he is unable to part with the junk. He will not seek psychological help. He will not clean up his act.

My parents our stressed out and their quality of their life is sufffering. Furthermore, they may need to sell the house should their health deteriorate and/or if they decide to move into some sort of senior living environment but the hoarding is devaluing the home; nor would my brother ever clean it to the point where the home could be shown to prospective buyers.

My parent's don't know where to turn.

As a start, I suggested they present a formal letter to my brother stating he must remove the bulk of the possessions/trash by January 31, 2013. Failure to do so will result in my parents beginnining formal evictions procedures.

Has anyone had similar experience or can you offer advice on how best to proceed to get my brother (and his 'possessions') out of the house if he does not comply with my parent's clean up wishes.

Is this elder abuse? If so, is there some sort of senior advocacy route we would be better off trying.

Thanks for any advice you could supply.

 

[obgyn65]

The state you live in should have Adult Protective Services (APS), correct ? It might be a good idea to call them first and ask for advice.

 

[chris2008]

He might suffer from severe depression.
But he could find help out there, if only he starts looking.

How about meeting as family for an intervention before taking formal steps like letters with due dates and eviction?

Before such meeting you might want to contact the leader of a self help group for hoarders or for relatives of depressed people to explore the best setting of an intervention.

All the best to your family.

 

[obgyn65]

I just found this link on my favorite paper website. Some food for thought.

The 40-Something Dependent Child - NYTimes.com

 

[Walt34]

+1 on Adult Protective Services.

This is not going to get better by itself and when inevitably you (or whoever deals with the outcome) has to deal with it the problems will be compounded by procrastination now.

 

[MichaelB]

+2 on Adult Protective Services. This sounds like there is some mental illness, at least depression. Confrontation does not work, but treatment may help.

 

[Ally]

+3

I have two relatives with hoarder tendencies and I do think that it involves some sort of mental distress. In my experience, you can't reason with them. To them, their junk is as valuable as gold, even if it is in reality trash and broken items. They are very emotionally tied to their possessions and unable to part with anything. I think talking to APS may be the first step.

 

[Purron]

From what I understand of hoarders, it is very difficult to get them to let go of their possessions. It can take months or years of treatment before they start to let go of their stuff.

It's heartbreaking for your brother and I'm sure you hope he gets help. However, as you pointed out, it is unacceptable for your elderly partents to be burdened with this.

In my opinion, it would be best if he found his own place. While he's looking for a new place to live his possessions should be moved to one of those rental storage units. This will do two things: get the junk out of your parents home and make it easier for him to move out.

I agree that adult protective services may be helpful. Before you call them in make sure your parents are clear on what they want to happen.

 

[freebird5825]

Throw the bum out.

 

[NW-Bound]

Eh, some people will say that the bum deserves some compassion.

PS. Of course, the real question is that if the wrong compassion will hurt rather than help.

 

[LauAnn]

Thanks for the responses, we have tried talking with him. He has the financial means to put his belongings in storage or have his own place. He gets very defensive and upset when we encourage him to get help to get to the root of the problem. He has a ferocious temper. He once freaked out when my parents threw out a worn plastic bag that to him was the perfect use for carrying something or another when any other bag would have been perfectly fine. He his meticulous in note taking to the point where he keeps track of where everything is in the bed of his truck which is commpletely filled with pringles cans, boxes, old plastic containers. He must have over 500 pens.

It takes hm a great deal of time to make any decision. It's as if he has to look at it backwards, forwards, upside down and three times around before even hazarding a decision.

He has an uncanny memory when it comes to dates and events in his life yet did not even know where I lived (which is half a mile from my parent's home) having been to my house before.

He wants a reason or explanation for the most obtuse things. He investigates/researches things to no end.

Again, thanks for your ideas. I will check out ASP and identify some local sources of help.

 

[Chuckanut]

I am not certain you want to call in the law, but have you considered that storing that much 'trash' in the house might violate fire codes? That might force the issue for your brother and parents.

 

[MichaelB]

Again, thanks for your ideas. I will check out ASP and identify some local sources of help.

You might also want to see a therapist or psychiatrist that has experience or specializes in people like this. One session, he/she can give valuable advice and possibly point to additional resources you should consider. This is definitely not something to tackle alone.

 

[obgyn65]

If the OP is a caregiver and/or depending on the state she lives in, reporting of abuse towards adults (especially seniors) may be mandatory. The OP does not need any proof of actual abuse (signs can be subtle) and can report anonymously.

I am not certain you want to call in the law, but have you considered that storing that much 'trash' in the house might violate fire codes? That might force the issue for your brother and parents.

 

[Nords]

Thanks for the responses, we have tried talking with him. He has the financial means to put his belongings in storage or have his own place. He gets very defensive and upset when we encourage him to get help to get to the root of the problem. He has a ferocious temper. He once freaked out when my parents threw out a worn plastic bag that to him was the perfect use for carrying something or another when any other bag would have been perfectly fine. He his meticulous in note taking to the point where he keeps track of where everything is in the bed of his truck which is commpletely filled with pringles cans, boxes, old plastic containers. He must have over 500 pens.
It takes hm a great deal of time to make any decision. It's as if he has to look at it backwards, forwards, upside down and three times around before even hazarding a decision.
He has an uncanny memory when it comes to dates and events in his life yet did not even know where I lived (which is half a mile from my parent's home) having been to my house before.
He wants a reason or explanation for the most obtuse things. He investigates/researches things to no end.
Again, thanks for your ideas. I will check out ASP and identify some local sources of help.

Have you watched any of the hoarders reality TV shows?

Your brother displays the classic symptoms and the shows will give you a better understanding of their point of view. Despite years of trained medical professionals working with hoarders on these shows, the relapse rate is nearly 100%.

The only practical solution for your parents may be for him to move out... or for them to move out. I don't know of any reason to hope that your brother will stop his hoarding tendencies, but maybe medical professionals have new treatments.

 

[Badger]

From what I understand of hoarders, it is very difficult to get them to let go of their possessions. I can take months or years of treatment before they start to let go of their stuff.

It's heartbreaking for your brother and I'm sure you hope he gets help. However, as you pointed out, it is unacceptable for your elderly partents to be burdened with this.

In my opinion, it would be best if he found his own place. While he's looking for a new place to live his possessions should be moved to one of those rental storage units. This will do two things: get the junk out of your parents home and make it easier for him to move out.

I agree that adult protective services may be helpful. Before you call them in make sure your parents are clear on what they want to happen.

+1 especially in light of the relapse rate from horders who receive treatment. Your brother needs help and what may also be needed is regular support. But your parent's health is potentially in danger. Let's hope they do not feel or are not being pressured to be enablers for this kind of behavior.

Cheers!

 

[dmpi]

+4 on Adult Protective Services. However be aware that once they get involved you may not be able to "turn them off" if you and your family think there is another way to solve this.

 

[GrayHare]

Relying on a government agency to do what a family does not rarely produces what I'd call a "happy" outcome. IMO family situations are best handled by family, and it sounds like the OP is beginning that process.

I see no easy solution. Treatment for the hoarder might help long enough that most of the useless excess can be tossed without major trauma.

 

[Amethyst]

Hoarding is certainly distasteful. But nice people can be hoarders. However, using one's bad temper to intimidate other people is an abuser's tactic. Granted, your brother seems to have several screws loose, but that doesn't give him the right to "freak out" over little things. I bet he's counting on his old parents' natural disinclination to up and leave. But that's what I'd advise them to do before he "freaks out" and hurts them.

Easy for me to say, I know.

Amethyst

T. He has a ferocious temper. He once freaked out when my parents threw out a worn plastic bag .

 

[obgyn65]

Please do not encourage the OP not to report is there are signs of abuse towards vulnerable people. If the OP is a caregiver for example, she is obliged to report. Depending on where she lives, failure to report abuse - even suspected abuse - is a felony.

Relying on a government agency to do what a family does not rarely produces what I'd call a "happy" outcome. IMO family situations are best handled by family, and it sounds like the OP is beginning that process.

I see no easy solution. Treatment for the hoarder might help long enough that most of the useless excess can be tossed without major trauma.

 

[Silver]

A very close friend had an adult child living with her for several years who exhibited similar behavior. I learned a lot by supporting her through some very tough times, and not being an expert myself, I can only share what I learned and how she got to resolution for herself.

My friend discovered that hoarding is considered a behavioral symptom of compulsive obsessive disorder. Paranoia is often seen as well because the OCD needs it to protect their bias thinking. Successful treatment usually occurs only when the individual is highly motivated to use medication and talk therapy to work through their behavioral compulsions. This is rare because the OCD itself disallows the insight that change is needed.

What my friend decided to do seemed very cruel at the time, and was very difficult to watch. She met with a psychiatrist several times who helped her understand that she could love her child but be unwilling to tolerate the behavior in her own house. She also met with an attorney so that she clearly understood her rights related to home ownership. The daughter had never paid rent which is a VERY important aspect of the intervention that happened. A renter has many legal rights, and since the OP mentioned the process of eviction, this may be the OP's situation.

My friend set up a formal meeting with her daughter and invited several of us to be witnesses. She then dictated to her daughter that since this was her house, she was going to establish boundaries regarding the appearance of the house including her daughter's room, and that if the daughter didn't like it she could move out. She provided these boundaries in writing at the meeting, and then again several times over the next weeks.

First boundary was that the door to her room was being removed that day. She could no longer keep her mother out of the room. If the daughter didn't like it she could move out.

My friend told her daughter that everything except the furniture and her clothes was going to be removed and placed into a storage locker which she would pay for for 3 months only. The daughter had absolutely no say whatever in what was being removed.
If the daughter didn't like it she could move out.

Another boundary was that the daughter was not allowed to bring anything onto the property. Nothing. That her room, all bags and her purse would be searched daily. If the daughter didn't like it she could move out.

My friend called the local police the morning the removal process was started to alert them to the situation. They came, saw what was happening, expressed understanding that this was a "family" situation they were trying to handle internally, and left. This was preemptive to the daughter calling sometime later in the process.

The first day of removal was terrible. After 3 days of removing over 400 trash bags of stuff everyone was numb.

The daughter made my friends life miserable for weeks, but eventually got a small apartment she could afford....and continues to hoard. My friend has a good relationship with her, they see each other regularly but never in her daughter's apartment.

The key element was my friends commitment to her own well-being and not backing down. Not an inch...ever. It was exhausting. Now it's just sad that mental illness is so difficult to treat.

 

[imoldernu]

Just a thought...
Seems like there may be more than 2 sides to a problem like this. While I would opt for professional help, I've also seen some downsides to this, especially when elderly people are involved.
At the very least, I think that some type of a reasonable solution should be sought, within the family of concerned people.
According to the OP, a big part of the problem, is the intelligence, and the position of the adult child. It doesn't lead to an amicable discussion.

My own thought would be to prepare a logical exit plan that might be presented, as a basis for compromise. The organization part (of the 'stuff'") sounds good for starters... Maybe a one group at a a time for bagging and labeling... to be stored... in an accessible place... [some years ago, when a neighbor's mom had the problem they worked to move the stuff, a bit at a time, to a nearby unused garage that they rented.] In any case, avoiding the confrontation, whether legal or personal... would be a preferred choice IMHO.

Certainly not an simple situation or a simple solution.

 

[LauAnn]

Thanks again, everyone, for your thoughts. Thank you, Silver for the detailed reply.

I watched Hoarders on TV and we told my brother he should watch it too. I don't know if he ever did. The take away from the show is that the problem is very difficult to overcome and rarely does the problem go away/get better until the underlying cause of the issue is identified and dealt with.

I have several ideas as to what started my brother down this road but I won't go into them on the forum. My Mom is afraid that if pushed/antagonized too much he will take his own life, though this was never presented as an alternative on the show,so I don't know if it is a valid fear or if she is just being extra cautious because she is a mother.

She desperately wants things to improve, but she also wants to tread carefully.

I am not a caregiven to my brother. As my parents get older and require more help I'm trying to do what I can to help where I can. My mother reached out to me because there are days when she is at her wits end.

 

[easysurfer]

I think the idea of having him watch Hoarders is a great idea. Hopefully, by doing so, the light bulb with turn on and he'll realize that he's too a hoarder identify with some of the folks there that actually want to change.

I remember watching one epidsode where in stages, in the first step, the hoarder with the help of the family and professional agreed to start with one room. So, I think the dining room was cleaned up, but the rest of the place still had all the stuff around. Then eventually, a little more, until the place was liveable.

 

[Dimsumkid]

I can give you some personal insight re:removing a sibling in a parent's home. Just finished a legal guardianship of a parent /eviction of a sibling last year, the process took just over 3 years. I would first try having him move out on his own. If this doesn't work, treat him like a month to month renter and go through the legal process of a formal eviction with a lawyer, if needed. Based on my personal experience, elder abuse is hard to prove and my sibling actually called the State (IL) elder abuse hotline on me as a way to delay the process of his eventual eviction. After 1 phone call from the state, they never contacted me again. Not having a lease makes it harder to evict someone. Looking back, eviction would've been faster and cheaper, but my mom's mental capacity issues would've been a problem too.