Adult Children Still Living at Home?

[W2R]

Do you still have an adult child living at home?

No. My 38-year-old moved out a couple of decades ago.

How do you lovingly boot your child out of the nest?

We started at a very early age. We made a point of steering conversations to the topic of launching on her 18th birthday. We did this now and then as she was growing up, from elementary school onwards (in age appropriate ways that would make the idea of moving out when she grew up, seem like fun and loving, not like being tossed out). She announced the specifics of her plans to us a month or two before she turned 18, and she implemented each part of her plan beautifully and moved out the week of her 18th birthday. (OK, proud mama here).

It's too late to start this in your case, so I'm sorry I don't have a good answer for you. But anyway that is how we did it.

 

[youbet]

We'll slowly ratchet up the asks until they're begging to leave.

Why would they ever have to beg to leave? If your "asks" made living at home less desirable than life in the real world, wouldn't they simply be tail lights down the driveway whenever they could work out another place to live?

 

[tmm99]

Sounds to me like your discussions are like typical corporate meetings -- nothing gets resolved because no hard deadlines are set (and enforced).

Don't plan another discussion; just sit everyone down and lay out your requirements.

• You will find a place to live by X date.
• You will pay $X rent per week until that happens.
• Your first week's rent payment is due Friday.

We have put up with this for too long, it's not helping you, and we are not going to do so any more.

Back in the day, the standard lines were
"We're doing this for your own good."
"It hurts us more than it hurts you."
"Someday you'll thank us."

+100

And I actually believe those "standard lines" to be true (and I like braumeister's "Action items". Very specific.) And the sooner you do this, the better off you and your daughter will be. I know enough parents who ruined their children by enabling and the children (in their 30's and 40's) are still with them. And from what I can see, it gets harder and harder for these kids to become independent the longer this goes on.

 

[ProspectiveBum]

Why would they ever have to beg to leave? If your "asks" made living at home less desirable than life in the real world, wouldn't they simply be tail lights down the driveway whenever they could work out another place to live?

You're right! No begging necessary.

 

[mountainsoft]

What is your daughter doing for health insurance? Does she go out with friends or mostly hang around the house? Have you thought about moving (while she's at work?)

Right now she's on Obamacare, only paying $40 monthly (her dime) due to her low income. Last year she earned so little she didn't have to pay anything for healthcare. I'm not sure what's going to happen if the AHCA goes through.

For the most part, her friends have moved on with their lives and are doing their own thing. When she's not working my daughter keeps quite busy, going to conventions, movies, opera's, etc. She also volunteers a couple days a week at the humane society. Otherwise she just hangs out at home.

No chance of moving. Wife and I built our house ourselves and plan to live out our lives here.

 

[LauAnn]

Once we were out of high school and working, my parents charged us rent based on the household's monthly expenses divided by the number of people living in the household. Expenses included everything from food, newspaper, utilities, taxes. Before I moved out, I was paying 1/4 of the expenses. Still a great deal. My 60 year old brother never moved out and now that the household is down to 2 people, he and my mother, he pays 1/2 of everything -- still a great deal as Mom, at 87, continues to make his meals. At least he does his own laundry. But he does not do yard work or maintenance, mostly due to physical and some mental issues. Mom relies on me, my sister, and her son-in-law for this work. Even though he pays half, I still feel strongly that he takes advantage of the situation.

Start charging you daughter some amount of rent. If that does not sit well with you, put the rent in a special account, and return it to her when she is able to afford a place of her own.

 

[Rambler]

DS moved out at 19, and has never been back except for a few days here and there to visit. DD moved out at 17.5 to go to university and did come home one summer during college. She got married the following summer, and she and her husband both worked their way thru the rest of school. When they graduated, they stayed with us for a couple months until her internship in Hong Kong started, then again after that for a few weeks before SIL's graduate program started, then again for a few weeks between graduating from his grad school until he got his current job. We welcomed them each time, especially the first two times after college, because we knew what was coming next. The last time, after his grad school, we were a bit concerned, because he hadn't nailed down a job. We told them they were welcome to stay up to 3 months while job hunting. Beyond that, they'd have to get some job, any job, because they'd be required to pay rent (which DW and I had already agreed that we'd save and give back to them as "launch money" for rent deposits, etc...we did NOT tell them about this plan). Turns out, he had a job offer a week after they came here, that was to start a further three weeks out. So, for the following two weeks they were hunting for a place to live, and then spent a week moving in and setting up their household, plus her job search. They ended up starting work on the same day, June 5 last year, exactly one month and 5 days from loading their U-haul to bring their stuff here from out of state, where he'd been studying and she'd been teaching.

We'd be happy to host them again for a brief period, if they ever needed it, but the conditions would be the same...they would have to find something to pay rent if they stuck around beyond a quarter. That said, they may have to get used to me parading around in my BD suit...we live on a couple acres in the country, very secluded, and I have no qualms about removing my dusty clothes outside after working in the yard, and depositing them in the laundry room on the way to the shower...dont want to get the house dusty and dirty, don'tcha know ;-0

 

[ABQ2015]

What about having your daughter move in with your MIL and help her out? Your MIL is 80 and lives only 45 minutes away and at 80 she will be needing more and more assistance. Your daughter could also get a part-time job. That would take a burden off your wife.

 

[Ready]

No kids here so we'll never have the issue. But I did boomerang once at age 34 for 18 months after a divorce. Mom didn't charge me rent (house was paid off) and I volunteered to pay all the utilities. I had a plan to buy a house and be out within 18 months, and described that to her so she was fine with it. At the time I worked rotating shift work so much of the time when she was home I was either at work or asleep.

Additionally the house needed a lot of deferred maintenance done so I repainted the entire interior (hadn't been done for 20+ years), took about four pickup truck loads of stuff/junk to the dump, did all the little stuff she needed done like faucet washers, etc. got the lawn into better shape than I'd ever seen it. Oh, and fixed a broken water pipe at 7:30 AM Christmas day. Mom was on a waiting list for a CCRC and when the house went on the market a few years later it sold in three days.

Within the 18 month window I had settled on my new-to-me house and moved in.

So it can work.

Hey Walt - can you move into my house? I have a lot of work that needs to get done. I have a very lovely room I think you will really like!

 

[Ready]

I wish I didn't have a story to share, but sadly...I do.

My sister...two failed marriages, never held a job for more than a few months. My Dad was ready to kick her out, but Mom liked taking care of her and didn't want to push too hard. It was a constant source of arguments between my parents. Eventually Dad tried on his own to kick her out. My sister drove a wedge between Mom and Dad. They got divorced, and he moved out.

Sister is now 52. Mom is 91. And they are still living together, and sister still relies on Mom's pension and social security to pay her bills. She tried to suggest she would like to move in to my home...permanently. I said no. Now she's suing me over our inheritance. I haven't spoken to sister or Mom for over a year.

All of this because Mom wouldn't nudge her out of the house when she was young and had a chance to make it. I kept telling my Mom that necessity was the mother of invention. She refused to listen, and it seriously affected our relationship together...still to this day unfortunately.

Don't let this happen to you. Your DW is an enabler, and it will make all of you miserable if you don't get this fixed quickly.

 

[youbet]

I wish I didn't have a story to share, but sadly...I do.

My sister...two failed marriages, never held a job for more than a few months. My Dad was ready to kick her out, but Mom liked taking care of her and didn't want to push too hard. It was a constant source of arguments between my parents. Eventually Dad tried on his own to kick her out. My sister drove a wedge between Mom and Dad. They got divorced, and he moved out.

Sister is now 52. Mom is 91. And they are still living together, and sister still relies on Mom's pension and social security to pay her bills. She tried to suggest she would like to move in to my home...permanently. I said no. Now she's suing me over our inheritance. I haven't spoken to sister or Mom for over a year.

All of this because Mom wouldn't nudge her out of the house when she was young and had a chance to make it. I kept telling my Mom that necessity was the mother of invention. She refused to listen, and it seriously affected our relationship together...still to this day unfortunately.

Don't let this happen to you. Your DW is an enabler, and it will make all of you miserable if you don't get this fixed quickly.

With your mom now 91, is trying to be a catalyst to having sister move out really a good idea? What's to be gained? Can your mom live at home alone if sister moves out? Some folks are fine at 91, others not so much. Are you prepared to step in if sister moves out and mom struggles on her own?

Who died to start the inheritance dispute? Your dad?

If you're concerned about or even just interested in an inheritance from your mom, trying to get your sister moved out of the house, assuming your mom now wants her there to help in her old age, could result in your mom cutting you out. Oldsters think a lot of someone helping them and less of someone who doesn't.

Just saying........

 

[Ready]

Can your mom live at home alone if sister moves out? Some folks are fine at 91, others not so much. Are you prepared to step in if sister moves out and mom struggles on her own?

Who died to start the inheritance dispute? Your dad?

If you're concerned about or even just interested in an inheritance from your mom, trying to get your sister moved out of the house, assuming your mom now wants her there to help in her old age, could result in your mom cutting you out. Oldsters think a lot of someone helping them and less of someone who doesn't.

Just saying........

My sister convinced Mom to transfer her life savings to her. Sister lives completely off pension and social security for now. If she moved out because she was supporting herself, there would be plenty of money to find assistance for Mom. But sister is spending every penny of Mom's money. Dad passed two years ago. He left me his inheritance because he knew sister already helped herself to all of Mom's money (which was about equal to Dad's inheritance). So we've each received half of our parents assets, but sister believes she is entitled to all of it.

The case was filed months ago and is in discovery phase. Supposedly her attorney is flying out to California this month to depose me. And we are both wasting big dollars on legal fees screwing around with this. I could settle it, but sister told me for years that I can't make her work at a job she doesn't like. She had plenty of opportunities to take jobs, but didn't like any of them. She believed that work was only required if you enjoy your job. And she's made it clear she expects Mom/Dad, and now me, to take care of her. There is some mental illness there to a point. But she has a college degree from a Ivy Leage school, and when she has had jobs, it's always her that quits. The bosses have all been happy with her work and have gone out of their way to give her flexible hours and accommodate her schedule. Nothing was ever good enough. Lots of excuses why she can't work. Constant emails threatening me and DH. She's threatened to blow up my house, take my dog away, and make me miserable for the rest of my life. I save all of the emails in case I need them.

Anyways...didn't mean to hijack the OP's thread. Just a very sensitive subject with me, and one I wouldn't wish on anyone else after what I've lived through. I really do hope the OP and his wife can see eye to eye on an actionable plan in the near future.

 

[youbet]

If she moved out because she was supporting herself, there would be plenty of money to find assistance for Mom.

But is that what mom wants? Mom would prefer sister to move out and have folks from an agency come in to assist? That doesn't sound likely.

I'm speaking from the point of view of someone whose DW has responsibility for managing the care of and visiting her NH resident mother. It's not fun. MIL is a good ole gal, I like her and have known her for most of my life. But it's a time consuming responsibility to do well and has been limiting our ability to travel. And it encourages hard feelings (which must be suppressed) towards DW's siblings who aren't helping as much as we think they should.

If your sister is taking good care of your mom and is signed up to be there for her as she progresses deeper into geezerhood, I wouldn't mess with that too much.

I'm not trying to defend your sister. But the past is the past and going forward if sis is willing and able to be a live-in caregiver for your mom as she ages (as long as mom's pension is paying the bills), why fight that?

One of the few examples I can think of where a "failure to launch" kid or a "rebound" kid turns out to be a plus is when they morph into a competent and caring caregiver to an aging parent.

 

[Mdlerth]

The Greater Treasure

I gotta chime into this thread again. This time, to say "Thank you". I have found a lot of the stories here very moving.

The best feature of this forum is that it's overwhelmingly filled with well-mannered people offering thoughtful insights. Of course there will be lots of threads dealing with financial aspects of retirement, since that is an indispensable consideration.

But threads like this one, where people open up about their feelings, their hurts, involving situations they face that are about the heart rather than the checkbook, are what makes this place special. Life, both before and during RE, isn't about investment allocations or claiming strategies. It's about human beings; sometimes enjoying and other times suffering. I am grateful that those who share the painful stories are willing to do so. The wisdom I glean from their experiences is worth far more than an extra digit on my 401k would be.

 

[FUEGO]

My brother kind of did this with my parents for many years (maybe up through age 23-25??). Spent a semester flunking out of community college, went to a tech school for a few weeks, and eventually landed a "real" job. They never asked him to pay rent and didn't bother him too much with chores. Pretty sweet roommate situation if you can find it.

My oldest 2 are 10 and 12 so we're several years away from this issue. I've mentioned housing situation during college and afterward and suggested that if we all get along they can live here but would have to help out with the $ once out of school (or some reasonable 4-5 year period to get a degree). So far we get along great but the oldest isn't quite a teenager so I'm not so naive to think we'll necessarily get along as peachily as we do now. Who knows, maybe they can house sit while we are on extended overseas travel several months out of the year.

If it comes to it and they are 22-23, out of college and lacking ambition and not doing much professionally, we'll start rent at 50-75% of what a roommate might pay. Renting a room around here is probably $300-500, so maybe we start out charging $250/month rent. And ask for $100/mo groceries or that they chip in by making the shopping trip occasionally. And then there would be chores around the house. If we all get along and don't bump into each other this arrangement might work wonderfully. Of course I've seen this at work in DW's family (SE Asian origins) with adult children living with mom and dad with varying degrees of success. It seems like as long as there's respect and enough room in the house it's no big deal.

If I were in OP's shoes I'd definitely be looking for rent money ASAP. Kids need a little boot on their a$$ to get motivated to be self reliant. A little notice period that "the days of free rent are over" might be appropriate plus an offer to help budget. Say June 1 is the first day rent is due to cover the month of June, and she can move out and stop paying rent at any time.

 

[GoBears]

Worst comes to worst, you are looking to downsize and relocate outside of CA, right? Seriously, wish you the best of luck. We are dealing with our 20 year old daughter who is not college material, immature and has quit a number of jobs after moving to NV. She now wants help with her rent and mentioned becoming an exotic dancer if we didn't. Sigh.

 

[Sunset]

..... When she's not working my daughter keeps quite busy, going to conventions, movies, opera's, etc. She also volunteers a couple days a week at the humane society. Otherwise she just hangs out at home.

....

She has so much free time, she could get another job or two instead of acting like a retired person, oh wait, she doesn't need to since she lives rent free and food free

See the issue? she has no pressure to succeed.

 

[Fedup]

She sounds a good candidate for the ER forum.

 

[Sunset]

My sister convinced Mom to transfer her life savings to her. Sister lives completely off pension and social security for now........

Constant emails threatening me and DH. She's threatened to blow up my house, take my dog away, and make me miserable for the rest of my life. I save all of the emails in case I need them.

....

Sounds a LOT like Elder abuse, and the emails show the abusive character of your Sister. Perhaps some phone calls to social services or other authority could generate enough investigation to check on actual living conditions and health. Which would ensure your Mother is really OK or get your Sister in hot water and take her mind off Daddy's money.

 

[Blue Collar Guy]

Right now she's on Obamacare, only paying $40 monthly (her dime) due to her low income. Last year she earned so little she didn't have to pay anything for healthcare. I'm not sure what's going to happen if the AHCA goes through.

For the most part, her friends have moved on with their lives and are doing their own thing. When she's not working my daughter keeps quite busy, going to conventions, movies, opera's, etc. She also volunteers a couple days a week at the humane society. Otherwise she just hangs out at home.

No chance of moving. Wife and I built our house ourselves and plan to live out our lives here.

She sounds like a lovely girl. Be happy you know she is safe and sound. Im old fashioned , my view of fatherhood is to provide and protect .it sounds like you are doing both. she will find her way when the time is right .

 

[target2019]

OP, it's time to call the matchmaker. Or look into online matching.

 

[HadEnuff]

I was faced, twice, with the prospect of an adult child moving back in. Both times it was a stepchild, both times it was a stepchild who repeatedly ignored parental advice on life choices, did "his own thing" and guess what, it didn't work out.
DW was all onboard with child moving back in. I didn't say "no", but I did say there would be a conversation with me prior to moving in. What the rules would be, and a firm exit strategy. One of the topics of the conversation would be a discussion on how this person's choices led us to this point, and that during his stay with us he wouldn't be making very many choices of his own.
The conversation never happened. The young person found an alternate solution. WE helped with some money.
OP, it's too late for the entry conversation, but it's not too late for an exit strategy conversation.
I'd suggest you have one, if you ever want to have an empty nest.

 

[ivinsfan]

She sounds like a lovely girl. Be happy you know she is safe and sound. Im old fashioned , my view of fatherhood is to provide and protect .it sounds like you are doing both. she will find her way when the time is right .

I believe the purpose of parenthood is to raise healthy, fully functional adults who provide for themselves. The DD is 28 not 18, do you think one day she will suddenly decide the time is right? The OP has stressed she is a lovely girl who doesn't cause trouble, but this doesn't mean she might not be struggling with some personal issues...to be frank if my 28 YO let me pay all her bills and spent 2 days a week volunteering I would not be happy.

 

[Bestwifeever]

No kids here so we'll never have the issue. But I did boomerang once at age 34 for 18 months after a divorce. Mom didn't charge me rent (house was paid off) and I volunteered to pay all the utilities. ...

Additionally the house needed a lot of deferred maintenance done so I repainted the entire interior (hadn't been done for 20+ years), took about four pickup truck loads of stuff/junk to the dump, did all the little stuff she needed done like faucet washers, etc. got the lawn into better shape than I'd ever seen it....

Within the 18 month window I had settled on my new-to-me house and moved in.

So it can work.

If there are any other handy, newly divorced law enforcement types out there looking for a room for a year or so, send them over!

What about having your daughter move in with your MIL and help her out? Your MIL is 80 and lives only 45 minutes away and at 80 she will be needing more and more assistance. Your daughter could also get a part-time job. That would take a burden off your wife.

You beat me to it--I love this idea.

 

[ponyboy]

The best feature of this forum is that it's overwhelmingly filled with well-mannered people offering thoughtful insights.

Thoughtful insights that align with the rules set forth by this site. Try to bring up topics that arent allowed to be discussed...see what happens.