Advice for a New Widow?

I am very sorry for your loss. It sounds to me like you're a pretty strong person, who is organized and self-sufficient. I think you're doing all the right things - having something down the road (literally, in your case) to look forward to is a great plan. A long time ago I came across a little book called How to Survive the Loss of a Love. It describes all the phases of grief, and how you must go through them. Nothing but time takes care of this part. You just need to get used to your "new normal". Be good to yourself - this is one of the biggest stressers anyone go through.

I have a stack of these books that I give to friends going through a big loss - they've all really been glad they took the time to read it.

I'll keep you in my prayers. Hang in there - brighter days are ahead.
 
When my husband died I was determined to be efficient so I packed all his clothes and took them to good will but then I was unable to fill in the space with my clothes . If you opened our closet my clothes would be huddled together and then this big empty space on the other side .I eventually filled the space but it took several months .Don't give away everything ! Save something of his until you are ready to part with it .
 
robnplunder said:
Best wishes to what lies ahead of you.

(May want to try lease before you commit to buying condo, RV. )
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Yeah-- my brother suggested I come out to CA and drive one around for a few days while he gives me pointers. That should provide some "proof of the pudding" on whether buying one would be a good idea.

Re. the condo: I can already tell that I'd do better in the ones that seem fairly spread out, not the ones where people might feel crammed in on top of each other.

While I can live in small places, I always need space around that little place where I might live.

Thanks for your response!
 
ivinsfan said:
I think the point is these are not "normal" times for you and things might not feel "normal" for quite some time. Treat yourself the way you would treat your best friend..you sound like a fun well-adjusted lady going thru a huge stressful event. Maybe focus in on one fun thing at a time, instead of several things.
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What a great statement: "These are not 'normal' times."

Yup, no matter how much I let distractions keep me from the chores.......there is nothing I can do to make any of this "normal." You are so right.

There's not one thing I can do to make him walk back in that door.

(So, maybe I daydream too much about getting myself out of here?)

I never was much of a homebody.........until he came along. So, maybe I'm reverting to the old ways......defaulting to my old M.O. from the years before I met that dear one.

Thanks for the wisdom!

(Oh, and yes-- various girlfriends are coming around and we're planning at least 1-2 fun outings a week. Once again, am so grateful that ER makes this possible. It would be WAAAAAAAAAAAY worse if I had to go back to work and start grading reams of essays again.....) :nonono:
 
I have been widowed 12 years. The first year is the hardest. Try to avoid making any big decisions if possible. Get out and see friends and meet new people.
You can't rush the grieving process. Counceling is a good idea.
 
W2R said:
I am so sorry to hear about your husband. My sincere condolences.

I haven't been widowed, although years ago I did initiate and go through with a rapid divorce after 23 years of marriage. Not to say that's the same at all, but there are a few analogies. I have some suggestions and please feel free to take them or leave them! Here goes.

You know how people say to not make any major decisions for a year or two after becoming widowed? I see these:

1. buying a condo
2. buying a big RV
3. going on two trips to Europe

as major decisions. I wonder if you have given yourself enough time to go through a mourning period first, before you move on. No need to wallow in it, if you don't want to, but it may take some time to face everyday, normal life without him. You can't run from it. I have no idea if you are or not, just pointing that out.

If it was me (and I know it's not! :LOL:) I'd set aside #1 and #2 above for a year or two, and maybe schedule one trip to Europe less than a month long as a compromise.

Good for you to be getting through all the paperwork and so on! That's got to be so painful and difficult to do. You've probably already done this, but donating all of my father's clothes was a big help for my mother after he passed away.

Take care and like everyone else, I wish nothing but the best for you as you grieve and deal with this situation.
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Ditto.

Katrina - moved 1000 miles inland with a pickup truck of what could grabbed in a couple hours. My girlfriend of 29 yrs and my 89 year old Mom passed away within the next 4 months.

Plug away at any needed paperwork and give yourself permission to do what it takes to grieve.

heh heh heh - :(
 
unclemick said:
Ditto.

Katrina - moved 1000 miles inland with a pickup truck of what could grabbed in a couple hours. My girlfriend of 29 yrs and my 89 year old Mom passed away within the next 4 months.

Plug away at any needed paperwork and give yourself permission to do what it takes to grieve.

heh heh heh - :(
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Wow. I am so sorry to hear about your weathering 3 disasters in a four-month time period. You have my sincere condolences.

Advice taken.

Many thanks.

:(
 
Moemg said:
When my husband died I was determined to be efficient so I packed all his clothes and took them to good will but then I was unable to fill in the space with my clothes . If you opened our closet my clothes would be huddled together and then this big empty space on the other side .I eventually filled the space but it took several months .Don't give away everything ! Save something of his until you are ready to part with it .
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You did better than I did. I tried to take all of DW's clothes to Good Will shortly after her death, but I couldn't do it. In my case, there was no issue. Having gone from a household of 4 to a household of one, I had plenty of extra closet space. Her clothes went to Good Will as I was getting the house ready to sell more than a year later. At that point I didn't have the overwhelming emotional issues. I did keep a couple of her favorite pieces along with other mementos.
 
I would think that grieving should be your number one priority. Don't make any drastic or big moves until you heal a little bit.
Condolences
 
I have nothing to offer but my condolences, and to wish you strength and peace during this difficult time.
 
I am so sorry for all of your losses.

LitGal

I agree with the others that said you should not make any big decisions for a while. I have always heard a year. I would grieve, take trips, enjoy your friends and be good to yourself. You sound like you have a wonderful attitude and I wish you the best.
 
Dreamer said:
I am so sorry for all of your losses.

LitGal

I agree with the others that said you should not make any big decisions for a while. I have always heard a year. I would grieve, take trips, enjoy your friends and be good to yourself. You sound like you have a wonderful attitude and I wish you the best.
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I appreciate a theme that's running through everyone's advice: grieve, take care of yourself, and have fun.

In other words, it sounds like all this stuff will eventually get done, one way or another. (Instead, I've kept telling myself that, once all the work gets done, then there will be time to grieve and be nice to myself.)

Maybe I should turn the order of those activities around; but old habits die hard (eg."When I get x done, I can go on vacation." or " After I slave away for x number of years, I'll be able to retire, kick back, and have fun.")

Maybe, in this situation, the rules change? Even though I'm trying to be conscientious with all this &%#* paperwork and cleanout, I really just want to get out of here and go on a trip.

(Maybe that would quench some of the "downsize-to-a-condo" and" buy-an-RV" urges....)

:angel:
 
LitGal, of course only you are going to be the final arbiter on this one. I've heard that loosing a loved one is one of the toughest things in life and believe it from my own loss of my parents.

If it makes you happy to cross some things off the todo list, then that is fine too. If you just want to get out in the world and fly around a little, that is fine as well. Then there is the compromise mix of things too.

It's all just what you want.
 
LitGal, I have a dear longtime friend who lost her husband 3 years ago last month. For Christmas, she gave my DH a shirt of her late husband's that he'd worn on a very memorable vacation we took together about 12 years ago. I thought it was a good sign that she was able to go through his clothes, and that she chose to select a few things to share with his friends as remembrances of those many good times.

Another friend kept the outfits his late wife wore in all the photos they'd taken on their many cruise vacations, and was able to give away the rest after a time.

Those are my only useful examples for you, and I offer you my sincere condolences on your loss.
 
Lsbcal said:
LitGal, of course only you are going to be the final arbiter on this one. I've heard that loosing a loved one is one of the toughest things in life and believe it from my own loss of my parents.

If it makes you happy to cross some things off the todo list, then that is fine too. If you just want to get out in the world and fly around a little, that is fine as well. Then there is the compromise mix of things too.

It's all just what you want.
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Yeah, you've hit the nail on the head. I am dutifully crossing stuff off the list. But then I'm going to check out Southwest's current off-season "deals." DB and I were chatting at length last night about the fact that I have absolutely no idea about how to drive or maintain an RV. So, maybe I'll jump on a plane to Sacramento; he'll pick me up and we'll head to Santa Cruz in one of his RV's for the weekend. He'll teach me how to drive one and show me what is required for keeping it going. That will give me an idea of whether I really want to try such a venture or not.

(I have no mechanical aptitude or interest. He does, and camped with me when we were growing up. So he knows that I'm more pre-occupied with museums than with how much air is in the tires.)

So, a 1-2 week jaunt like this could easily dissuade me from one hair-brained (?) idea.........and also be a chance to hang out with old friends before returning to my to-do list here.

:rolleyes:
 
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LitGal said:
DB and I were chatting at length last night about the fact that I have absolutely no idea about how to drive or maintain an RV. So, maybe I'll jump on a plane to Sacramento; he'll pick me up and we'll head to Santa Cruz in one of his RV's for the weekend. He'll teach me how to drive one and show me what is required for keeping it going. That will give me an idea of whether I really want to try such a venture or not.

(I have no mechanical aptitude or interest. He does, and camped with me when we were growing up. So he knows that I'm more pre-occupied with museums than with how much air is in the tires.)

So, a 1-2 week jaunt like this could easily dissuade me from one hair-brained (?) idea.........and also be a chance to hang out with old friends before returning to my to-do list here.

:rolleyes:
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Sounds like a wonderful trip in all regards. FYI, I'm not very mechanical either and I have had no trouble managing our RV (DH is disabled and I do all the driving, setting up, etc.). But I am a stickler for checking the tires every morning!
 
MBAustin said:
Sounds like a wonderful trip in all regards. FYI, I'm not very mechanical either and I have had no trouble managing our RV (DH is disabled and I do all the driving, setting up, etc.). But I am a stickler for checking the tires every morning!
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MB-- very encouraging! Do you drive a motorhome or pull a travel trailer?

I think I might do better with a MH, since there's no hitch to deal with, or backing up with the weird angles I used watch my dad manage.

DB said the tire pressure is crucial because it's easy to have a blowout before you know it. (I'm pretty good at checking tires with one of those little hand-held gizmos; but, see? I don't even know what they're called!)

Must develop a whole new vocabulary!

:rolleyes:
 
LitGal, you might enjoy reading around in the RV forum listed on the right side of this forum's home page. I can't recall the link just now, but they also have a great app.
 
LitGal said:
... (I'm pretty good at checking tires with one of those little hand-held gizmos; but, see? I don't even know what they're called!)

Must develop a whole new vocabulary!

:rolleyes:
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Actually, they are called "the little hand-held gizmos that are used to check the tires".
 
Accidental Retiree said:
LitGal, you might enjoy reading around in the RV forum listed on the right side of this forum's home page. I can't recall the link just now, but they also have a great app.
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There are also a gagillion BLOGS (hundreds, for sure, maybe more) that should be very useful. Here is one I know of -- she has been full-time RVing for fifteen years and IIRC becoming a widow was the catalyst:

Life on the Open Road

There are many more that you will find through serendipity once you "join" the RV "underground."
 
RonBoyd said:
There are also a gagillion BLOGS (hundreds, for sure, maybe more) that should be very useful. Here is one I know of -- she has been full-time RVing for fifteen years and IIRC becoming a widow was the catalyst:

Life on the Open Road

There are many more that you will find through serendipity once you "join" the RV "underground."
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Looks good-- I'll check these out!
 
Two small items that might help--

When my father died one of the smart things mom did was handling the shysters who would phone to talk her into a great investment. Standard answers were--"I'll have to run that by my accountant" or "lawyer". Eliminated most of them on the spot and the number of calls quickly fell off.

With regards to an RV--my bias is toward a trailer with a good tow vehicle. A larger bumper pull. Multiple reasons--More repair shops around to deal with regular trucks/suvs, taxes are lower on a trailer (my state you buy a lifetime plate so that is lower too), don't need a smaller "toad" to do the side excursions. Just some things to think about.

If you are still nervous about traveling, there are RV excursions or travel groups where you pay a nominal fee and can travel in a caravan where the leaders usually are up on doing repairs. Never done that myself though. Good Sam's has lots of groups and are very welcoming. Most are more than happy to share info and suggestions on RVing and it probably wouldn't be hard to find a few to caravan together for a few campgrounds.
 
And here is RVing on the cheap:

City Living In A Pop Top Camper - Living Big in a Tiny House

It helps to watch this with the Closed Captioning turned on -- at least for me, we truly are separated by a common language.
 
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