Advice on Acceptance

[MRG]

Don't take this anyway but positive.

The biggest family issue, I've ever had was DF unacceptance of my DW. I would have married her to spite him. 38 years later, we're very happy, DF doesn't get what he lost out on.

The worst thing you can do is criticism of DD choice. Never allow the I told you so conversation to happen, even if you're right. You raised her, if she loves him, maybe her institints are correct. Be supportive so you leave the door open.

You said it, 'acceptance is the answer'. I do know its not easy, but it's the right thing to do.

Best wishes,
MRG

 

[bhoferp]

I have to give kudos to my parents. They never let on, but they must have been worried. My DH was drafted shortly after graduating high school. He worked at a shoe factory until the army. He came home on leave from Vietnam, we got married, and he went back to Vietnam. I already had a college degree and a teaching job. He never went to college, but ended up being our major wage earner with only a tech school education in IT. 42 years later and we're still happily married and living a very comfortable retirement. You can't predict the future-enjoy your DD today and every day-one day at a time.

 

[Letj]

I would encourage you to back off permanently. I am your daughter. My husband was not as fortunate as I was due to his life circumstances and never got the opportunity to go to college at the normal age. He was born in a foreign country. Even so, he went to college in this country but did not graduate. I, on the other hand, obtained two masters degree. My family discouraged me from marrying him but I knew he would make a wonderful, kind and stable husband. He stayed home and took care of the children working only part-time in the evening at a lowskill job which basically bought us grocery while I focused on a lucrative career. Because his potential for making a lot of money was low, we began investing in real estate. He taught himself construction from carpentry to plumbing to basic electrical.

Fast forward 27 years after first meeting and primarily through his hard work and my business acumen,we are easily in the top 5% of household in terms of networth and income. Even though my husband is not college educated, he is self-educated and highly intelligent.

I am married to the best guy - a great husband and father. I think regularly at the time I dated a young doctor who wanted to marry me but whom I dumped. I suspect he would make a terrible husband and he certainly was. I think all three marriages failed.

 

[Ready]

I would encourage you to back off permanently. I am your daughter. My husband was not as fortunate as I was due to his life circumstances and never got the opportunity to go to college at the normal age. He was born in a foreign country. Even so, he went to college in this country but did not graduate. I, on the other hand, obtained two masters degree. My family discouraged me from marrying him but I knew he would make a wonderful, kind and stable husband. He stayed home and took care of the children working only part-time in the evening at a lowskill job which basically bought us grocery while I focused on a lucrative career. Because his potential for making a lot of money was low, we began investing in real estate. He taught himself construction from carpentry to plumbing to basic electrical.

Fast forward 27 years after first meeting and primarily through his hard work and my business acumen,we are easily in the top 5% of household in terms of networth and income. Even though my husband is not college educated, he is self-educated and highly intelligent.

I am married to the best guy - a great husband and father. I think regularly at the time I dated a young doctor who wanted to marry me but whom I dumped. I suspect he would make a terrible husband and he certainly was. I think all three marriages failed.

Wow. What an amazing story. I learn so much from this forum. Congratulations on everything you've accomplished. I really enjoyed reading your post.

 

[Dreamer]

MuirWannabe, Thanks for starting this thread. I can understand your concerns. In reading the answers, I have discovered that I probably give too many opinions to my DD. It is easy for me to think that I know what is best and I love her and want the best for her. In the future, I am going to try my best to be like HaHa.

 

[Katsmeow]

Great posts.

To the OP - I pretty much second most everyone else. It will hurt your relationship with your daughter to say anything at all negative about your choice. And, frankly, he doesn't sound that bad to me.

When I was child and teenager, it was still more or less expected that the male in the marriage would be the main provider and if the wife made more money then it reflected badly on the husband.

Things have changed. I didn't get married until I was 37. I made more money than my DH. He did have a degree. He didn't actually earn that degree until his late 20s. He started college at the normal time, didn't do well and left. Later, he went back and finished. When we married, he had a job at a Megacorp with good benefits. But, neither he nor I ever cared that I made more money.

I've known lots of male attorneys who made a lot of money and I could a parent thinking someone like that might make a better provider. And, he surely might. But someone like that may well not make a better husband. Plenty of those male attorneys with a high income virtually never saw their families. They left for work before the kids were awake and came home after they were asleep. Their wives always knew that work came first. And, plenty of the later got a divorce.

It may be that this marriage won't work out (unfortunately, many marriages don't). But it is also just as possible that it will. And, in the end, it will be up to your daughter to make her own decisions.

(I do know it is hard. My oldest son is dating a woman 10 years older than him who has 7 kids. I do worry about him. But, he is in the one in the relationship and this is something where he is in a better place to know what that relationship is than I am.)

 

[Letj]

(I do know it is hard. My oldest son is dating a woman 10 years older than him who has 7 kids. I do worry about him. But, he is in the one in the relationship and this is something where he is in a better place to know what that relationship is than I am.)

Wow, do women still have 7 children? I don't want to sound judgmental but that seems a bit odd and I think should really be concerning to a parent. This isn't exactly similar to the OP's situation.

 

[SteveNU]

We have been there before and are now living with the consequences of our daughters failed marriage. She was 26, college degree working on her masters. He was 22, hs graduate and working as a mall cop. Seemed like a nice enough kid.

We didn't see what she saw in him but we accepted the fact that it was her life and her decision to make.

Fast forward a few years she is working full time, very successful career. He works on and off and is lazy as can be. They have a baby and he becomes the stay at home dad, still lazy as can be. Finally our daughter had enough and they split up and are going through a divorce right now.

We know it is very hard on her and she struggles at times but we just let her know that she can count on us to be there and give her plenty of love and support. Thank goodness we are only an hour away and are able to help her out.

 

[Katsmeow]

Wow, do women still have 7 children? I don't want to sound judgmental but that seems a bit odd and I think should really be concerning to a parent. This isn't exactly similar to the OP's situation.

I'm not saying it is comparable. Just that it is something that my son has to decide on his course of action, not me.

 

[harley]

Well, DW and I both had college degrees. Hers was liberal arts, mine was biology (good for minimum wage jobs in the late 70s). Her family was pretty successful and I was a stoner bum working three low end jobs. I'm sure they weren't thrilled, but they didn't say anything (AFAIK). But we're still together, raised a DD and now have DGD, and managed to work, LBYM, and retire 7 years ago at age 50. There's no way to tell what's going to happen. Stand back and watch. If worst comes to worst you can give her emotional support if she needs it. If things work out, great. If you could tell the future you'd be rich(er).

 

[MuirWannabe]

We have been there before and are now living with the consequences of our daughters failed marriage. She was 26, college degree working on her masters. He was 22, hs graduate and working as a mall cop. Seemed like a nice enough kid. We didn't see what she saw in him but we accepted the fact that it was her life and her decision to make. Fast forward a few years she is working full time, very successful career. He works on and off and is lazy as can be. They have a baby and he becomes the stay at home dad, still lazy as can be. Finally our daughter had enough and they split up and are going through a divorce right now. We know it is very hard on her and she struggles at times but we just let her know that she can count on us to be there and give her plenty of love and support. Thank goodness we are only an hour away and are able to help her out.

Steve,
Thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry about how it worked out for your daughter. Sounds like as parents you handled it well.
If you don't mind my asking, do you have any regrets? Anything you would have done differently? Or, do you think this is just how things had to play out?

Muir

 

[sheehs1]

My daughter married a guy we like about a year and a half ago. He is military, made good money with good benefits, owned a home which he sold for a $20K loss.

That said, I'll share with you a situation we had. While they were dating, significant other deployed and was out of the country. DD inherited some money from my father. During this time, , she wanted to buy a condo using some of that money and after he had sold his home. I knew her significant other was in on this, meaning he wanted her to do it also, although that was never a topic of conversation per se.

I was not in agreement with her buying a condo or using her granddad's money for it, feeling some marriage might be coming down the road. I also knew if she pushed it, I had not one leg to stand on since I had taken this money out of trust albeit with her agreement that she allow me to continue to handle it. When I took it out of trust, I had her sign a contract to pay me back for her college education. I felt, that in the future, if needed, I could use that contract to protect her from herself.

DD pushed and pushed and kicked for the use of some of the money to buy that condo. I, was put in the position of knowing that if I did not let her have it, it would damage our relationship. I tried every trick in the book to reason with her. Showed her a depreciation schedule, tried to appeal to her logic (didn't exist), etc.

I let her have the money. She bought the condo in 2011 or so. He came back to the states and moved in with her. Within the year they were engaged and married 8 months after that.

He puts a contract on a new home they have since moved into and is quite nice for their age (26 and 28. 2500 square feet, 4 bedrooms, etc.) He can provide for her. We just had our first grandchild. DD is taking a year off from her job teaching.

What happened to the condo? They sold it in 2012 for a $40K loss. I never said a word.


MuirWannabe, as hard as it is, I'm afraid you will have to let DD make her own mistakes. That truly is the only way our precious adult children can learn. It is how we learned, right?


p.s. So much for that contract, huh?

 

[MRG]

Wow, do women still have 7 children? I don't want to sound judgmental but that seems a bit odd and I think should really be concerning to a parent. This isn't exactly similar to the OP's situation.

Yes they do, a former colleague had 7, his DW was a SAHM, and home schooled. They now have 3 wonderful GC. I'm sure thats just the start.
Another guy was the DF to 6, the first 2 he raised on his own, after his wife ran away. 2 came with his second marriage, he was the only father they knew. Then he and 2nd wife had two more togther. A very happy mixed family.

Of course neither of these families will ever be able to RE.

MRG

 

[spncity]

It's hard, I know.

You have stated positive things about his character and how he treats your daughter.

The more you are against the relationship (or even "cool" toward it) the more she will have to defend her choice and push you away in order to exercise her independence.

Why not apologize and say, "We think we were wrong to criticize and we'd like to get much better acquainted with your beau. He obviously is special or you wouldn't have been attracted to him. And the fact that he is attracted to you shows he is very intelligent!"

Then make every opportunity to interact in a positive way. Get to know him (one-to-one when possible, as in Dad takes him to breakfast or coffee) and them together as adults.

Try to smile and relax into it to lower your stress and theirs. This person may become part of your family! Negativity will be setting a tone that could be hard to reverse. Ask questions and listen (no advice!).

You may find he's great husband material. If he's not, during this "get-acquainted" time your daughter may come to see this for herself because she doesn't have to be so invested in defending against your disapproval and proving that you are wrong and she is right.

Let us know how you come out.

Kindest regards.

 

[MDJO]

Tough situation. I have watched both of our kids date people that I thought were just awful. Thankfully they never married any of them. Just about bit entirely through my lip to keep my mouth shut.

Only time I said anything was when I found out one of the boyfriends had a criminal record. Said that would be a deal-breaker for me.

 

[imoldernu]

I would never pretend to give advice on something so personal...

...but to share some personal experience...
Some time back, I included a comment in a post to the effect... "We do not live in our childrens' lives".. which rightfully brought the question, "Don't you care?".
... a heart breaking but reasonable assumption. In fact, it has nothing to do with caring or wishing the best for our four sons, but for us, a belief that allowing our feelings to be known, (when we see negatives) does little to resolve any problems, and compounds the anxiety, on both sides.
And so, it has worked for us. Yes... two happy divorces, and many mistakes along the way, but as they pass the 50 year old mark, a very strong relationship between us and them, and a good life for them. Advice given when asked for... never initiated.

But that's just our way of handling the relationship. As we live in senior communities, with typical age ranges between 50 and 90+... we get to see how others handle interaction with their families. It breaks both ways... Some love and live in each others lives, happily... as in old family sitcoms like "Father Knows Best"... visiting back and forth over hundreds of miles, and spending many hours on the phone. Others have had their retirement years upset with almost constant angst. Trying to resolve financial problems, worried about grand children, and being distraught with divorces, both for the wife... left with an insecure future, or the husband, doomed to decades of financial support.

So, no advice... whatever happens in the short term may be difficult, but a certain degree of selfishness should come into play, as we have to make our own decisions about how we spend the later years.

Best wishes...

 

[MDJO]

Yes they do, a former colleague had 7, his DW was a SAHM, and home schooled. They now have 3 wonderful GC. I'm sure thats just the start.
Another guy was the DF to 6, the first 2 he raised on his own, after his wife ran away. 2 came with his second marriage, he was the only father they knew. Then he and 2nd wife had two more togther. A very happy mixed family.

Of course neither of these families will ever be able to RE.

MRG

Yes there are still people having large families. Once had a staff member I had just hired whose stated objective (not to me) was to have 6 children quickly, and she serious about it.

Do some religions encourage large families?

 

[Bestwifeever]

I have said something adviceish only a couple of times to our grown kids and prefaced it with "I don't want you to say 'I wish you had said something about this' to me one day so I am only going to day this once," because sometimes silence is perceived as encouragement or acceptance and can be confusing. I don't think it really affected their decisions but who knows. And our son is much much easier to discuss things with (without advising) than our daughter ever has been, who is hard on herself.

So I think it's okay that the OP voiced concerns but now can follow the daughter's lead in how to view the relationship.

If either one of our kids was dating someone with 7 kids I would be buying the condoms so the 7 didn't become 8 just in case I might have to help raise that 8th one, which could derail the retirement in many ways.

 

[Chuckanut]

I have found that parental influence is usually not wanted unless asked for. However, I do drop a soft opinion for time to time. And sometimes it takes root!

Whatever you do, remember to not put the guy down to others. I used to work with a young woman whose in laws did not like her and made certain everybody knew it. Her husband, an only child, dies in a tragic accident. She took their son, the in-laws only grandchild they would ever have, and left without telling the in-laws where she was going.

 

[Katsmeow]

Another guy was the DF to 6, the first 2 he raised on his own, after his wife ran away. 2 came with his second marriage, he was the only father they knew. Then he and 2nd wife had two more togther. A very happy mixed family.

Of course neither of these families will ever be able to RE.

MRG

Not necessarily. My DH is father to 6. He had 3 children with his first wife (when he was in his early 20s). We married when he was in his mid-40s. By the time we married, 2 of his children were out on their own married and the third was almost finished with college (he was helping with college expenses).

We had our first child a couple of years later (I had never been married and wanted children and he was cool with it) and a few years after that we adopted a 3 and an 8 year old in an international adoption.

DH did retire at 62 - not super early but a little early. I was 56 then and I went to a very part-time status (working about 1 day a week). We have 2 kids in college now and in a couple of years they will be done.

As for older's son girlfried with 7 kids - she married very young from a culture that encourages large families.

If either one of our kids was dating someone with 7 kids I would be buying the condoms so the 7 didn't become 8 just in case I might have to help raise that 8th one, which could derail the retirement in many ways.

An 8th is not a possibility.

 

[MuirWannabe]

Thanks for all the advice, some gentle, some direct. But all of it good. This forum is truly a great place to get honest perspectives from others. And those who shared their versions of similar type acceptance situations with their children. I found each of these very helpful.

I intend to remain quiet and be on my best behavior with DD, her boyfriend, and anyone else who asks about that situation. Thinking positive thoughts about how it may work out okay. In time I'll hopefully actually believe it. And in more time hopefully come to see it to fruition.

Finally, maybe my portfolio will follow the path of one of those happily skyrocketing Firecalc lines. We die very wealthy and DD along with her siblings inherit a ton of money. And perhaps that can solve any later life financial woes she might have if any. Like I said, I'm thinking positive.

Thanks again to all responders!

Muir

 

[Meadbh]

That's the spirit! If we think positively about people and nurture them, it encourages them to try harder to reach their potential.

 

[Ticker]

Can you stand one more comment?

We raised our children as best as we could. We have fully supported their choices in spouses, never once considering questioning their choices. Both have done well. Our concern is that they have loving, devoted, supportive relationships. Money comes and money goes, but that strong bond between a husband and wife is paramount to us.

As an aside, this is still the land of opportunity, and past performance is no guarantee of future results. This could work out better than anyone expected.

 

[SteveNU]

Steve,
Thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry about how it worked out for your daughter. Sounds like as parents you handled it well.
If you don't mind my asking, do you have any regrets? Anything you would have done differently? Or, do you think this is just how things had to play out?

Muir

We always treated all of the kids boyfriends/girlfriends like family. That gave us a chance to see their personality and maybe get them to relax and be themselves around us. I guess we were lucky that they all were nice kids.

Regrets, not really. I don't think there was anything that we could have said or done to change things. We really couldn't see what she saw in him but resigned ourselves to the fact that she was going to do what she wanted to do and we had no good reason to try and stop her.

I'm just glad we raised her to be strong and independent so that she can weather this storm and come out of it in good shape.

And we love our little granddaughter to death, she is one good thing that came out of this

 

[samclem]

I have said something adviceish only a couple of times to our grown kids and prefaced it with "I don't want you to say 'I wish you had said something about this' to me one day so I am only going to day this once,"

I did this one time, in a discussion with someone about a life-changing issue that directly affected me. I acknowledged it was her decision, then said what I thought she needed to know. I let her know that whatever she decided I would support her decision from then on exactly as if it had been my idea. She took the other path, but it has turned out well in many ways. And we get along better than ever before.