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Old 05-18-2011, 02:01 PM   #41
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Nu, interesting that you dance but are an introvert--I totally "get" your idea that it is the costume that you don for the performance. I hoopdance and the hardest part about it is that people look at me, but I can block them out to enjoy it.

And lots and lots of us are introverts on this forum. I remember discussions of the ER personality type many times over here and the number of ISTJs and INTJs is staggering.

You'll do fine!
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Old 05-18-2011, 02:08 PM   #42
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Do you mean that you are afraid that anonymous people in the movie theater will think that you are gay? Or do you mean that you expect that they will think that you are gay, but wish them to know that the man you are with is not your BF?

Ha
I love comments,HA! Your first sentence is in what I am in reference too. I just goes back to the teenage years . Although part of it comes from a couple of my long life friends never married until the past few years into their 40's and had many periods of no luck with the ladies. They always felt people thought they were gay since they weren't married (paranoid I guess because they weren't ,not that there is anything wrong with it as Seinfeld said). Like I said, a dumb quirk!
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Old 05-18-2011, 02:13 PM   #43
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Man code also dictates leaving an open urinal space between you and another guy. Plenty of people have quirks.

Oh, and it's also impolite to urinate on the other dude's shoes, even if you don't like them and/or they're your boss. I have this fact on good authority from HR.
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Old 05-18-2011, 02:32 PM   #44
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Wonderful post! I really feel like I know you a lot better after reading it.

You say "I wish I had a friend but that's never going to happen", and I think that it could happen but would require going out and finding one.

Do you ever worry about breaking a limb or getting sick, with nobody checking on you? That could be a big issue for some.
Thank you. It means a lot that you say that because after I posted this I felt like I was standing naked in front of a group of people! I never would have said any of this in person to anyone, it's too personal and it can make me look like I have problems. I have to say when I woke up this morning I felt odd. I may have opened a wound that I have to tend to, self psychiatric care, when I look at what I said I question am I happy? I think so but I do admit to sometimes wishing that I had someone in my life. But people carry baggage and from past relationships I view my situation better now as better. I answer to no one and I do deal with boredom and loneliness much better than most people would. Does this mean I have to go out and find someone? I hope not cuz that is going to be very difficult for me.

W2R, I am extremely healthy and active for my age. I discussed this in another thread and I'm invincible or so I think. One day you are going to be right, being alone can lead to serious risk since if I needed help there's no one that is in touch with me. That does worry me but like Rescueme said there is lifeline when I think that I need this type of contact. Now if I'm struck before I am in my 70's or 80's I may be unable to get that help, as I said this is worrisome if I dwell on it.


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Sharing that took courage. Thank you.
Thanks as you can see from my reply to W2R it did!

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We should have regional meet-ups for us introverts. But then.....would anyone come, or would we make excuses, "Erm, I'm really sorry, but I have to play with my cat and watch something on TV"
Yes, I have often thought this but as you say since the people targeted are so withdrawn they'd never muster the courage or desire to go!

Someone mentioned having the radio on for some sound. While I often am listening to local talk radio, I avoid the national shows except for John Gibson he's a hoot, when I turn off the radio you can hear the wood drying in here and I love the sound of silence. This is why I said where I am is not rural enough even tho I'm on a dirt road in a small town of 5600. If I could I'd live in the middle of 1000 acres and have the nearest person at least 5 miles away that would be great. All I want is access to a Chinese and pizza place for those times I want something different, my Chinese cooking is good but not as good as the Chinese restaurant's is!

I too wonder if this propensity to being a loner is partly responsible for our ability to FIRE?
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Old 05-18-2011, 03:30 PM   #45
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Do you mean that you are afraid that anonymous people in the movie theater will think that you are gay? Or do you mean that you expect that they will think that you are gay, but wish them to know that the man you are with is not your BF?

Ha
perhaps the open seat is an invitation to have your way with that cute old man wearing the trenchcoat.
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Old 05-18-2011, 03:44 PM   #46
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I have to say when I woke up this morning I felt odd. I may have opened a wound that I have to tend to, self psychiatric care, when I look at what I said I question am I happy? I think so but I do admit to sometimes wishing that I had someone in my life. But people carry baggage and from past relationships I view my situation better now as better. I answer to no one and I do deal with boredom and loneliness much better than most people would. Does this mean I have to go out and find someone? I hope not cuz that is going to be very difficult for me.

I too wonder if this propensity to being a loner is partly responsible for our ability to FIRE?

I think it was awesome of you to let us in like that. And no - I don't think you need psychiatric care

I think a lot of us loners absorb the beer commercial ads that say that if you aren't partying all the time, there's something wrong with you. There's absolutely nothing wrong with living on your terms AS LONG AS YOU ARE HAPPY with your lifestyle decisions. That's what a lot of extroverts don't seem to get - they can't understand that being alone is our choice, not a choice that society made for us.

I chose to stop dating in my late 20s. I never wanted the whole marriage and baby thing, and after a few bad break-ups, I realized that it was stupid of me to date. After all the whole purpose of dating is eventually to find "Mr. (or Ms.) Right". If you aren't looking for Mr. R, then why bother doing through the emotional turmoil of dating? So I've been solo ever since and it is my lifestyle choice. I'm happy.

I also crave isolation at times and my personal fantasy is the deserted island on Castaway. With pizza delivery, of course. And a cat or two.

All that said, there is some good advice about putting something in place to protect yourself in case of emergency. Lifealert or some kind of panic button would work. May aunt had an arrangement with her nearest neighbors: she had to turn on her kitchen light at 6 pm to let them know she was ok. If they had not seen a light by 7, they would come over and check on her (and vice versa). It worked pretty well for her.
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Old 05-18-2011, 03:44 PM   #47
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Although part of it comes from a couple of my long life friends never married until the past few years into their 40's and had many periods of no luck with the ladies.
Just remember, no luck with women means only that the man is too nice.

Ha
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Old 05-18-2011, 03:48 PM   #48
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Nu, interesting that you dance but are an introvert--I totally "get" your idea that it is the costume that you don for the performance. I hoopdance and the hardest part about it is that people look at me, but I can block them out to enjoy it.

And lots and lots of us are introverts on this forum. I remember discussions of the ER personality type many times over here and the number of ISTJs and INTJs is staggering.

You'll do fine!
Hoopdancing would be cool! Good for you!

Being a newbie, I still haven't figured out the acronyms. What are ISTJs and INTJs?

Also FIRE (fixed income, retired early?) (financially independent, retired early?) (flaky, irresponsible, rowdy and eccentric?)
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Old 05-18-2011, 03:50 PM   #49
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I get the "when are you going to get married?" question from relatives all the time. I just tell them I'm going for my Uncle Walt's record; he married for the first time at 75 and was married for 20 years before he died.
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Old 05-18-2011, 04:07 PM   #50
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After thinking about it, I think I used the wrong word. I'm not so much antisocial as just someone who needs a lot of time alone. I can last about 3 days in a "group" setting, then I have to go find a quiet spot on the beach. I'm never lonely.

Unfortunately, my closest friend is the type that can't do ANYTHING without an entourage and can't understand the need to be alone....EVER.
Sounds like you need a new "closest friend"...

The short answers to the questions:
1. This Atlantic article has been out for over eight years and is still getting followups from people who say "Finally someone understands me!":Caring for Your Introvert - Magazine - The Atlantic

2. Any book by Ernie Zelinski, although "How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free" is probably most available at your local library.

3. Before ER, the question "What will I DO all day?!?" is one of the top three worries. After ER, everyone wonders what the heck they were worrying about. You sound capable of being responsible for your own entertainment, and you'll do fine. In fact your challenge will be NOT over-scheduling yourself.
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Old 05-18-2011, 04:16 PM   #51
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Just remember, no luck with women means only that the man is too nice.

Ha
Ha, that comment was funny, but partially true for my gentle giant friend. After about 20 years of little success and relative solitude, found a nice sweet girl 17 years younger and is starting his family. Little does he know he will need a stand in"stunt double" here in about 12 years when she hits full stride in her 40's. My GF is in her early 40's and I limit the time I see her because I cant keep up!
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Old 05-18-2011, 04:53 PM   #52
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Welcome to the forum Nuiloa

I have had solitude and live-in companionship intermittently since 2004.
In choronological order...
10 months solitude (widowed), but still w*rking
2 years live-in companionship, both still w*rking
2.5 years live-in companionship (same person), FIREd, so I was alone all day
6 months solitude (break-up), FIREd
8 months live-in companionship, me FIREd, he is retired so we are together most of the day but not 24/7

When I was alone, either living completely alone or just alone all day, I had to really motivate myself to get things done around the house (unassisted) and/or get out and socialize.
I searched for social things for non-seniors to do during the day, and came up pretty empty handed. My age (48 at FIRE in 2007) prevented me from joining certain groups. I'm 53 now and still ineligible for these groups.
So I volunteered to be a driver for the DAV Transportation Network.
I did that for 2 years, off in winter and on in good weather. It got me around people, it was a specific arrival time commitment, and it was very rewarding. I stopped when it was time for me to stop.
Then I helped out at a food bank for several months. I got bored with that very quickly.
These days I hang out at the Legions with Mr B (boyfriend) and meet all sorts of people. Sometimes I stay home, i.e. when he goes solo to periodic meetings.

I am an extrovert, or at least I used to be. I believe I have migrated to a nice balance of enjoying solitude as well as being around people.

So...what I would suggest is to start off doing 1 volunteer or group activity, something you are personally interested in and is age appropriate for you. If that does not suit you, try something else or take some time off from it.
Set your goal to be a balanced mix of alone and social time. It is your time and you will know what w*rks best for YOU.
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Old 05-18-2011, 05:34 PM   #53
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I picked up a couple of books a few years ago:
"Party of One: The Loner's Manifesto" by Rufus, kind of an "It's OK to be alone" book.
"Celebrating Time Alone" by Fisher, a collection of stories about different loners (not anyone you'd know) who have thrived.
"The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World" which is more of a "You're different, so here are some tips on how to cope in the real world".

None really grabbed me, but they weren't bad, and for the most part just reinforced what I already knew, that it's ok to be me. Not the strongest of book recommendations, but you might check them out at a library or bookstore and see how they look to you.

I also have another Zelinsky book, The Joy of Not Working, which helps with the "What will I do all day" question. Constructive, easy to follow, mostly common sense. I can't say there were any revelations here either, but it may have organized my thoughts and plans better.
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Old 05-18-2011, 06:01 PM   #54
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Very interesting thread for me. I live alone on my small farm. I still work (or is that w**k) as a secretary, a one gal office in the middle of a 200 acre farm, so Im alone most of the day. And dont mind it one bit. When I go home, I close the gate, and am there most of the time by myself. Well, as by myself I can be with 3 dogs, 4 horses, oodles and oodles of chickens. And a cell phone and internet. So the word "alone" can be interpreted many ways. I never feel lonely. I can call, or text, a friend if I need a little conversation. And the internet has totally changed life as we knew it. What with email, chat rooms, and forums, such as this, you're only a click away from interacting with someone. I hope to retire in 4-5 years, and am considering a move to the Blue Ridge Mountain area. I dream of finding a little place where I can have my puppies, a few chickens, a garden, an incredible view of the mountains, wild life all around me. No where in that dream are neighbors, shopping close by, public transportation.

I have a good friend, who I see once a month or so, who Ive known for 20 years, but Im sure when I decide to sell and move north, he won't go, and it really doesnt matter to me. I see adventure in my retirement!

I also would love to take a year in retirement, with an RV, and travel this wonderful, beautiful country of ours. Just me and the puppies. Its so good to hear others are doing this also, because Ive never thought I couldnt do it. In fact I know I can, and think it would be just the most wonderful experience.
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Old 05-18-2011, 06:04 PM   #55
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Being a newbie, I still haven't figured out the acronyms. What are ISTJs and INTJs?
Here's the info on the Myers-Briggs Personality Test/Types:

Myers-Briggs Type Indicator - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

BTW, I'm an INTJ (as many on this board are - one of the rarest of the sixteen "types"):

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/INTJ#Characteristics

FIRE is "Financially Independent - Retired Early"

Of course, you could be FI without being RE (or the other way around )...
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Old 05-18-2011, 06:24 PM   #56
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BTW, I'm an INTJ (as many on this board are - one of the rarest of the sixteen "types"):

...

Lol - by the terms of those definitions, it would seem that I am an INTJ too.

My friend is an AEATT (all emotion, all the time) - no wonder we don't understand each other
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Old 05-18-2011, 07:06 PM   #57
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[QUOTE=Nords;1071364]
The short answers to the questions:
1. This Atlantic article has been out for over eight years and is still getting followups from people who say "Finally someone understands me!":Caring for Your Introvert - Magazine - The Atlantic

QUOTE]

I have read this article and it is excellent! Thanks for posting it again, Nords.
I am an introvert who likes people, all kinds, the wackier the better. But I have to limit my time with them, and I cannot tolerate groups for very long before I start to feel neurotic and have to crawl into my cave again.

Not sure what causes this trait but my brother is just like me. We have talked about it and are both baffled. But it's important to accept oneself and realize one's limitations. That way I can work around them and feel happy in my life.

I am a telecommuter sometimes and also do creative work that is also solitary. So I have to force myself to step outside my boundaries. I do have one good female friend who enjoys my company. And I have a class I go to regularly with people I enjoy. I have recently decided to try some social groups again and see how I like it. Luckily I live in Colorado where I enjoy hiking with my dog who is excellent company.

Ha's suggestion about dancing is a good one. I would definitely do that if I were slimmer. But, although I'm still pretty cute, I'm somewhat overweight and afraid I'd just be a wallflower.
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Old 05-18-2011, 07:37 PM   #58
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QUOTE]


Ha's suggestion about dancing is a good one. I would definitely do that if I were slimmer. But, although I'm still pretty cute, I'm somewhat overweight and afraid I'd just be a wallflower.[/QUOTE]

As with age, size is just a state of mind. I weigh well over 300 pounds and I not only perform live on stage as "Nuiloa" (which is Hawaiian for "very much" or "large amount") but I also teach both Polynesian dance and tap dancing. I STARTED dancing when I was 35 and about 250 pounds.

I also geocache, which often involves walking up and down and around some pretty significant obstacles.

I vowed early on that I would NEVER let my size limit my ability to do anything. I camp, I travel, I go to the beach and wear a bathing suit - and if someone doesn't like it, they don't have to look. I call it my F*** You attitude.

Go in with a twinkle in your eye and a smile on your face and I can guarantee that you won't be a wallflower. In my experience, men like women who don't feel like they're going to snap like a twig in their arms!
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Old 05-18-2011, 08:05 PM   #59
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It is amazing how many INTs are on this board, I'm an INTP.
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Old 05-18-2011, 08:08 PM   #60
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I get the "when are you going to get married?" question from relatives all the time. I just tell them I'm going for my Uncle Walt's record; he married for the first time at 75 and was married for 20 years before he died.

Just don't go for my Uncle Eddie's record he had a lady friend for twenty-five years and they finally got married . He died within a year .
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