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Old 07-10-2014, 03:34 PM   #101
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Don't some of these changes have to wait until you are actually divorced?
A lot of it is wholly dependent on the individual state's law which as we know can vary wildly. Best to talk to a lawyer in that state.
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Old 07-10-2014, 06:39 PM   #102
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Originally Posted by aja8888 View Post
Glad you appreciate it. I have seen enough of these *separations* and not a one was a quick walk to the courthouse and a kiss goodbye.

Even the ones where there was no money and a few low value assets, they were trying and lengthy ordeals.

I did not mean to imply that yours was a "war" yet.
aja888. I expect this one to be simpler than most. Once he gets past his anger stage which evidently he already has or at least the first phase of it.

Sent me an email and told me my check for that loan to him was in the mail. Sent a second one apologizing for being so hateful...and stated "I made the right choice".

Thank you for your support and comments.
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Old 07-10-2014, 06:42 PM   #103
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Check out a group called DivorceCare. You can find them on-line. They are usually sponsored by a church, but not at all preachy or judgmental. The group is usually led by someone who had also been through a divorce. It is usually free, too.
Appreciate that information Revlefty. Thank you.
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Old 07-10-2014, 06:44 PM   #104
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Happened to stop by today and see this message. I know you were one of the posters who was so helpful for me when I was going through my divorce. I'm so sorry to see that you're going through one as well.

From what little I know of you, I know that an amazing future is ahead of you. Obviously, there will be ups and downs.

Have not gone through this entire thread, but the book "Getting Past Your Breakup" was invaluable to me. I wish you luck and send you hugs.
Marathoner. I remember! So glad you are doing well now! I read your update to the forum.

Thank you for your well wishes and the book suggestion. Much appreciated.
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Old 07-10-2014, 06:48 PM   #105
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I'm amazed to read some of these posts. I don't have any idea where people get the idea they know so much about other peoples lives just from reading (and reading into) what someone has said they are currently experiencing. Seems presumptuous.....and frankly rather odd.

Sheesh1.....trust yourself the those you know care about you. It will all unfold however it will unfold, but you and your daughter will be fine.
Good advice Silver and I agree with you.

My daughter is married to a great guy and has a beautiful 9 month old baby girl. She couldn't be happier.

Thank you for the support and thoughts!
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Old 07-10-2014, 06:49 PM   #106
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Don't some of these changes have to wait until you are actually divorced? Retirement accounts in particular if you don't have a divorce decree the spouse is required to sign off on being dropped. Joint accounts, can you really dump the other owner?Also, you can write a new will, but if you die before you are divorced, I don't think you can just cutoff the surviving spouse.

Had a friend of my go thru this last winter, husband of 46 years said I don't want to be here anymore. They were separated and almost completely finished deciding on the asset split when he suddenly died. She got everything, asset split agreement meant nothing to the courts.
Here in AZ, a community property state, I know for a fact that the statement I highlighted above is true. I do not know about the other statements, but suspect that they hold too.
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Old 07-10-2014, 06:52 PM   #107
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Don't recall if this had been mentioned already.....but make damn sure you have updated any and all account beneficiary info to make sure his name appears NOWHERE on ANY document. Just to be 100% certain, might want to submit new beneficiary forms for each account anyway. Same goes for any trust, safety deposit box, life insurance or other assets not held at financial institutions.
Thank you MooreBonds. Did that yesterday! Good advice for anyone going thru this. Best not to "forget" to take care of business so to speak.
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Old 07-10-2014, 06:53 PM   #108
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Here in AZ, a community property state, I know for a fact that the statement I highlighted above is true. I do not know about the other statements, but suspect that they hold too.
Further in community property states if the marriage has lasted for a number of years a QDRO may be ordered to provide the the other partner some pension income. That is in a community property state in theory the pension is a 50 50 split.
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Old 07-10-2014, 06:54 PM   #109
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Here in AZ, a community property state, I know for a fact that the statement I highlighted above is true. I do not know about the other statements, but suspect that they hold too.
Perhaps but not in my case. We did not have any joint accounts...so nothing to change there. I did have him as a beneficiary on 2 IRA's but those IRA's are titled in my name as well so changing my beneficiary was not a problem.

Also already have a Post Marital Property Settlement Agreement that was written, notarized and executed back in 2007 that basically states what is his is his and what is mine is mine. Nothing to hash out. Can he challenge it. Sure. Will he succeed in getting it thrown out if he does challenge. My lawyer says not likely. THe only time he has seen them thrown out is if "the parties" did not fully disclose their financial assets. With my ex being my CPA, he knew everything. I also saw his personal and corporate returns.
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Old 07-10-2014, 10:39 PM   #110
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Good luck, sheesh1.

Gambling is a disease, most often a life time one. I have many close relatives who ruined their marriages & lives b/c of it. I guess the disease runs in our family. It's amazing that you kept your side of finance strong all along the way. It could have easily ruined both of your finances before this point.
robnplunder, I missed your post and you are so right, gambling is a disease. It often can take years for the other partner to understand her/his spouse is a gambler with an illness. It took many year and many failures for me to get it. Because it didn't mesh with the other side of him I knew. Be that as it may as the years wore on, it got progressively worse. Hence, the "I have had enough".
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Old 07-10-2014, 11:57 PM   #111
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robnplunder, I missed your post and you are so right, gambling is a disease. It often can take years for the other partner to understand her/his spouse is a gambler with an illness. It took many year and many failures for me to get it. Because it didn't mesh with the other side of him I knew. Be that as it may as the years wore on, it got progressively worse. Hence, the "I have had enough".
Not too many people can overcome such disease (or personality disorders for that matter). At the end, the best thing to do is leave the person and keep your sanity. I think you have reached that conclusion. I wish you the best.
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Old 07-11-2014, 12:18 AM   #112
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Further in community property states if the marriage has lasted for a number of years a QDRO may be ordered to provide the the other partner some pension income. That is in a community property state in theory the pension is a 50 50 split.
That is true in AZ. A guy I knew had to give his ex part of his future pension. A complication was that his megacorp refused to compute the present value of his pension. He had to estimate it somehow and had the court and lawyers agree to it. Another complication was that the pension present value was before-tax, but what he gave to his ex was after-tax money. It got messy.

Again, this may not apply to the OP, and I mention it only for other readers who may be interested.

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Originally Posted by sheehs1 View Post
I did have him as a beneficiary on 2 IRA's but those IRA's are titled in my name as well so changing my beneficiary was not a problem.
As Virginia is not a community property state, you are allowed to do that. In a community property state, the spouse is the default beneficiary to any IRA or 401k, unless he/she specifically rescinds that right or privilege.

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Also already have a Post Marital Property Settlement Agreement that was written, notarized and executed back in 2007 that basically states what is his is his and what is mine is mine. Nothing to hash out. Can he challenge it. Sure. Will he succeed in getting it thrown out if he does challenge. My lawyer says not likely. THe only time he has seen them thrown out is if "the parties" did not fully disclose their financial assets. With my ex being my CPA, he knew everything. I also saw his personal and corporate returns.
The following does not apply to you as a resident of Virginia. But for people in a community-property state, here's what I have found (as a layman, not a lawyer).
In a community property jurisdiction, most property acquired during the marriage (except for gifts or inheritances)—the community, or communio bonorum—is owned jointly by both spouses and is divided upon divorce, annulment, or death. Joint ownership is automatically presumed by law in the absence of specific evidence that would point to a contrary conclusion for a particular piece of property.

Property that is owned by one spouse before the marriage is the separate property of that spouse, unless the property is "transmuted" into community property. The rules for this vary from jurisdiction to jurisdiction.
So, even in a community-property state, a person retains full ownership of an IRA or 401k accumulated prior to the marriage. It is only the portion that is acquired during the marriage that would be divided - unless the other spouse explicitly consents to not being the beneficiary.

By the way, the ten community-property states are: Alaska, Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington and Wisconsin. Note that these are mainly Western and Southwestern states.
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Old 07-11-2014, 05:12 PM   #113
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Don't have anything much useful to add, but wanted you to know, sheehs1, that your courage to move forward with your life is inspiring. Best wishes for everything working out smoothly.
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Old 07-11-2014, 08:34 PM   #114
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Thank you MBAustin. Appreciate the support and your words.
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Old 07-11-2014, 09:57 PM   #115
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Please be careful of your physical safety. It's a dangerous time.
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Old 07-12-2014, 08:26 AM   #116
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aja888. I expect this one to be simpler than most. Once he gets past his anger stage which evidently he already has or at least the first phase of it.

Sent me an email and told me my check for that loan to him was in the mail. Sent a second one apologizing for being so hateful...and stated "I made the right choice".

Thank you for your support and comments.
I'm wondering about this, is this the way your reconciliations started in the past? If so, I hope you have some clarity as to what is best for you and you alone going forward.
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Old 07-15-2014, 07:38 PM   #117
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Sorry to read this. Best wishes.


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Old 07-15-2014, 07:58 PM   #118
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You are very brave. Your Springtime is on its way.
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Old 07-18-2014, 10:38 AM   #119
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I'm wondering about this, is this the way your reconciliations started in the past? If so, I hope you have some clarity as to what is best for you and you alone going forward.
ivansfan. Sorry I just saw this. I understand why you are asking the question. Yes, perhaps a bit. The victim, feel sorry for me mode. And it probably was a large factor in other reconciliations. It was very hard for me not to feel sorry for him, our children, "the family unit", etc.

I do however have more clarity this time. Clarity came with more "data points" if you will after his Detox and the way things after that. Can't stay away from the options stock market gambling, will only go on vacation to places that have casinos, refuses to financial invest in a shared goal (presumably because he wants his money to gamble with), negative black moods, anger and reactive behavior and communication, would not agree to any counseling thru the years.

It is about peace, quiet and stability for me. And yes it is a final decision. My lawyer is on vacation for 2 weeks, but when he returns, we will file.

And for those interested, I have received my money back for the loan, deposited and cleared. And done so without involving lawyers and fees. There has been no contact other than receiving his check.
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Old 07-18-2014, 10:39 AM   #120
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And after every Winter, the Spring shall come...

You are very brave. Your Springtime is on its way.
Awww thank you freebird5825!
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