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Old 07-18-2014, 03:14 PM   #121
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And for those interested, I have received my money back for the loan, deposited and cleared. And done so without involving lawyers and fees. There has been no contact other than receiving his check.
Great news! That takes care of one of the big issues you were going to have to work out; the potential of having to deal with long term ties through that loan would be tough. So now you can just proceed with the formal divorce, and be able to break all ties, move on with your life and be happy
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Old 07-18-2014, 09:12 PM   #122
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Sorry to hear about all that you have been going through over so many years. You sound like a very strong person. So glad to hear that you have reared your family and been able to save so much for your financial security. I wish you many, many years of peace. You deserve it!
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Old 09-03-2014, 10:38 PM   #123
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Update: I thought perhaps I would update all those that were so supportive of me when I posted this thread. I signed the divorce complaint a couple of weeks ago. Both my ex and I signed waivers stating we had lived separate and apart since Feb. 1st (we had under the same roof and that counts towards the physical separation piece here in Virginia). I will give depositions in the lawyers office next Tuesday. My divorce should be final 3 to 4 weeks after depositions. Don't have to go to court for any of it.

I attribute the smoothness of this divorce to the Post Marital Property Settlement Agreement and remain thankful I put that in place during one of the prior separations.

I have even gone a few dates. I will say doing so has made me realize that I am happy with most of my life and either sharing it with someone else or giving up the pieces dear to me (doing what I want!) is going to take time.

Thanks to all for your thoughts and support.
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Old 09-03-2014, 11:46 PM   #124
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Wish you continuing good luck and thanks for the update.
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Old 09-04-2014, 01:31 AM   #125
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I'm glad to here things are going smoothly for you. Good to here about the dates already and having your life moving forward.
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Old 09-04-2014, 06:15 AM   #126
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I'm fairly new to the site but after reading your thread I wanted to wish you the best as you move into your new (and better!) life.
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Old 09-04-2014, 07:20 AM   #127
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I started this thread about my situation because there had been some threads or comments talking about how "financial incompatibility" can ruin marriages. Yes it can but it does not have to ruin the finances of the one who is prudent or who is saving for retirement. I can't say enough about how the Post Marital Property Settlement Agreement has saved my finances and assets during this. It may not work for everyone. It may not be possible for everyone to get one in place. Not many would stay in the type of marriage I had with a gambler.

Without it, he may have been entitled to half the house I paid for. He may have been entitled to alimony or perhaps I may have been, so it saved him against this as well. It may not have mattered one iota that he gambled away almost as much as I have saved during the last 20 years ...meaning it wasn't brought into the marriage or socked away for his own retirement.

For those that are wondering how he is. He will be fine. He owns his own CPA practice and the building and apartment above it he is living in (now with a $125,00 new mortgage on it from paying me back). He will just have to change his financial habits and/or will not be able to retire and will be working until he can retire. Sad because he will be 60 next year. His future is up to him. He simply no longer has the backstop of my financial diligence and I no longer have the possible burden of supporting him in retirement after he has gambled all of his away.

Yep, differences in financial goals and handling of money towards goals is definitely a problem inside a marriage.
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Old 09-04-2014, 07:36 AM   #128
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Onward, sheehs! What a feeling it must be not to have to worry about how someone else's decisions are weighing down your future. Post in this thread when all is settled and we will have the virtual champagne chilling for you and a hanky, too, as it might also be a little emotionally hard to close this door.
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Old 09-04-2014, 08:28 AM   #129
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Congratulations on closing this unhappy and unpleasant chapter of your life, that took courage.

You must have spent many of the last years unhappy and feeling unloved and unappreciated. Have you sorted thru all this in your mind, as it seems really early days to be dating. It's human nature to want closeness with another person,but do you feel you are back to the real sheesh1 who is ready to identify a kind adult equal relationship? I'm sure a companion for you is out there somewhere when the timing is really right for you.
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Old 09-04-2014, 09:22 AM   #130
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Congratulations on bringing this phase of your life to a close and getting out in relatively good financial shape. We've got a lot in common although my Ex was more into spending on "stuff" rather than gambling on day trades, but he was unemployed the last 5 years of the marriage and all his credit cards were maxed out. (They were paid off from his share of the equity in the marital home.) Fortunately I was able to negotiate a deal in which I kept all of the investments in my name in return for not getting child support, which he never would have paid anyway.

I was 44 at the time of the divorce and actually did start dating DH soon after, but we dated for 6 years before marrying. We just celebrated our 11th anniversary and life is good. Even though he retired when we married (he was 65 and we moved for my job), it has made a huge difference to marry someone on the same page financially.

I hope this is a great new start for you!
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Old 09-04-2014, 09:42 AM   #131
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Getting divorced after 20 years of marriage (good, bad or so-so) can be a liberating experience. One can also make some silly mistakes. The #1 mistake is the rebound marriage/relationship. You seem smart enough to avoid that. I can't tell you what to do, but I will pass on what worked for me.

#1. Wanting female companionship, but not ready for a relationship, I took up ballroom dancing. Great stuff. A guy gets to hold a woman, sometimes close, and at the end of the dance, we thank each other and things end on a friendly note.

Besides, where else but the dance floor can a man tell a woman, what he wants her to do and when to do it, and she will happily comply?

#2. Travel. When I was feeling down I decided to feed my travel bug big time. After my first Christmas divorced, I booked a trip to France and spent Bastille Day in Paris. What a kick!

#3. Good friends of the same gender. Having guy friends was a great relief. Alas several of them have passed away of left town for health reasons earlier than they should have.

#4. Family. I can't tell you how much my sister helped me through this. And, of course, I spent lots of time with my children.
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Old 09-04-2014, 11:28 AM   #132
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#4. Family. <I can't tell you how much my sister helped me through this.> And, of course, I spent lots of time with my children.
You did well, as did I . But I know lots of men whose kids, especially daughters, rejected them after they divorced from their mothers.

Ha
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Old 09-04-2014, 11:34 AM   #133
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You did well, as did I . But I know lots of men whose kids, especially daughters, rejected them after they divorced from their mothers.

Ha
Odd how it's always the Dad that seems to get shut out. It makes me think a lot of Moms keep bad mouthing him or say to the kids some version of pick a side, my side or his side. A lot of ladies talk family harmony, but can't seem to move on.
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Old 09-04-2014, 12:47 PM   #134
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I can't say enough about how the Post Marital Property Settlement Agreement has saved my finances and assets during this. It may not work for everyone. It may not be possible for everyone to get one in place.
I divorced 20 years ago and although it was emotionally difficult, financially and practically it couldn't have gone better. A big reason for that that was a Separation Agreement that we both signed so there was almost nothing for the lawyers to do other than file the papers with the court.

My ex wife and I divided our finances 50/50. We agreed to sell the house and share any gains or losses and tossed a coin to see who got first choice of our joint possessions. Neither of us wanted any support from the other, but we agreed that things like health insurance would continue until the divorce. Selling the house and our mutual funds gave us both enough money to start again and as soon as my ex-wife found a job she called me and we finally closed our joint account.

My ex got a lawyer to file the papers and go over the separation agreement, I represented myself. I remember a bizarre meeting where my ex decided she didn't want to bother with half of the 401k, which was around $50k back then, and her lawyer and myself both tried to get her to take it. I still don't understand her attitude, maybe she just didn't want to bother, maybe it was a bit of guilt or maybe she just didn't want to have anything that reminded her of me and the marriage. Anyway, I rolled it into an IRA and to this day have kept her as the beneficiary.....it just seems right.
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Old 09-04-2014, 01:00 PM   #135
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Congratulations on closing this unhappy and unpleasant chapter of your life, that took courage.

You must have spend many of the last years unhappy and feeling unloved and unappreciated. Have you sorted thru all this in your mind, as it seems really early days to be dating. It's human nature to want closeness with another person,but do you feel you are back to the real sheesh1 who is ready to identify an kind adult equal relationship? I'm sure a companion for you is out there somewhere when the timing is really right for you.
Good question ivinsfan. Not sure of the answer. Am really just wanting the socialization piece of dating, trying to make new friends, etc. Have made a couple of friends such that I can call on them to meet me for dinner, etc. All of them know how recent this is for me and aren't pushing.

Am I back to the real sheehs1? I think I am reclaiming pieces of me but find I still need and cherish my privacy and peace and quiet because of the last 20 years. Am I ready to go head long into a relationship? No, I'm not. Not just yet.
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Old 09-04-2014, 01:04 PM   #136
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Good question ivinsfan. Not sure of the answer. Am really just wanting the socialization piece of dating, trying to make new friends, etc. Have made a couple of friends such that I can call on them to meet me for dinner, etc. All of them know how recent this is for me and aren't pushing.

Am I back to the real sheehs1? I think I am reclaiming pieces of me but find I still need and cherish my privacy and peace and quiet because of the last 20 years. Am I ready to go head long into a relationship? No, I'm not. Not just yet.
Take it very, very slowly. It's easy to be vulnerable coming out of a divorce. Start socializing with friends, join some clubs, begin some new hobbies.
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Old 09-04-2014, 01:06 PM   #137
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Am I back to the real sheehs1? I think I am reclaiming pieces of me but find I still need and cherish my privacy and peace and quiet because of the last 20 years. Am I ready to go head long into a relationship? No, I'm not. Not just yet.
After a particularly painful break-up, though not a divorce, I started attending meet-ups, to get out of the house, and meet new people. I did make some friends, but being an introvert, I find the socializing aspect tedious. I may look into groups more focused on things I enjoy, rather than socializing in general, but I really don't want to go out more than once or twice a week, and really don't care for bars, or large crowds, or a lot of "noise"...
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Old 09-04-2014, 01:06 PM   #138
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Getting divorced after 20 years of marriage (good, bad or so-so) can be a liberating experience. One can also make some silly mistakes. The #1 mistake is the rebound marriage/relationship. You seem smart enough to avoid that. I can't tell you what to do, but I will pass on what worked for me.

#1. Wanting female companionship, but not ready for a relationship, I took up ballroom dancing. Great stuff. A guy gets to hold a woman, sometimes close, and at the end of the dance, we thank each other and things end on a friendly note.

Besides, where else but the dance floor can a man tell a woman, what he wants her to do and when to do it, and she will happily comply?

#2. Travel. When I was feeling down I decided to feed my travel bug big time. After my first Christmas divorced, I booked a trip to France and spent Bastille Day in Paris. What a kick!

#3. Good friends of the same gender. Having guy friends was a great relief. Alas several of them have passed away of left town for health reasons earlier than they should have.

#4. Family. I can't tell you how much my sister helped me through this. And, of course, I spent lots of time with my children.
All good ideas Chuckanut! I have some close girlfriends, my social group at the local YMCA, my daughter, granddaughter, my twin sister who has helped immensely and my brother.
Haven't quite gotten up the courage to fly to France alone but hey, who knows?? Spent 3 weeks touring Europe in my 20's with an international drivers license. Past time for a Repeat!
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Old 09-04-2014, 01:15 PM   #139
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You did well, as did I . But I know lots of men whose kids, especially daughters, rejected them after they divorced from their mothers.

Ha
I have heard those stories too. Truth of the matter is he has done a lot of damage to my daughter. I do not talk about it or him with her. Never had unless she asked me a point blank question. Even then, I tempered my answer.

It was the opposite with me where he would complain to her about me. He would throw me under the bus all the time. Told him for years he was making mistake. After all she was my biological daughter. I never did that to his sons.

Recent ex: He had paid me his monthly contribution, if you will , June 30th for July. He was pissed and characterized it to the children as "my stealing" his money for that month. (Really?? Seriously? Stealing? ). But of course what he did not tell them was he owed me the $100,000 for paying off his mortgage, or that I pay over 1/2 the bills anyway. I told him to simply deduct it from what he owed me. But the damage of how he characterized me was already done. They will figure it out one day. My daughter already has to some extent. She respects me for not discussing the details with her.

And of course I am footing the total bill for the divorce. And since, he has gone on 2 expensive golf trips. Not that I care. Just making a point I suppose.
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Old 09-04-2014, 01:16 PM   #140
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Odd how it's always the Dad that seems to get shut out. It makes me think a lot of Moms keep bad mouthing him or say to the kids some version of pick a side, my side or his side. A lot of ladies talk family harmony, but can't seem to move on.
Not always the Dad. I anticipate this is what will happen with my stepsons that I raised. See previous post about his bad mouthing me to the kids.
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