Another Marriage Bites The Dust Due To Financial Incompatibility plus

[prudent_one]

I'm fairly new to the site but after reading your thread I wanted to wish you the best as you move into your new (and better!) life.

 

[sheehs1]

I started this thread about my situation because there had been some threads or comments talking about how "financial incompatibility" can ruin marriages. Yes it can but it does not have to ruin the finances of the one who is prudent or who is saving for retirement. I can't say enough about how the Post Marital Property Settlement Agreement has saved my finances and assets during this. It may not work for everyone. It may not be possible for everyone to get one in place. Not many would stay in the type of marriage I had with a gambler.

Without it, he may have been entitled to half the house I paid for. He may have been entitled to alimony or perhaps I may have been, so it saved him against this as well. It may not have mattered one iota that he gambled away almost as much as I have saved during the last 20 years ...meaning it wasn't brought into the marriage or socked away for his own retirement.

For those that are wondering how he is. He will be fine. He owns his own CPA practice and the building and apartment above it he is living in (now with a $125,00 new mortgage on it from paying me back). He will just have to change his financial habits and/or will not be able to retire and will be working until he can retire. Sad because he will be 60 next year. His future is up to him. He simply no longer has the backstop of my financial diligence and I no longer have the possible burden of supporting him in retirement after he has gambled all of his away.

Yep, differences in financial goals and handling of money towards goals is definitely a problem inside a marriage.

 

[Bestwifeever]

Onward, sheehs! What a feeling it must be not to have to worry about how someone else's decisions are weighing down your future. Post in this thread when all is settled and we will have the virtual champagne chilling for you and a hanky, too, as it might also be a little emotionally hard to close this door.

 

[ivinsfan]

Congratulations on closing this unhappy and unpleasant chapter of your life, that took courage.

You must have spent many of the last years unhappy and feeling unloved and unappreciated. Have you sorted thru all this in your mind, as it seems really early days to be dating. It's human nature to want closeness with another person,but do you feel you are back to the real sheesh1 who is ready to identify a kind adult equal relationship? I'm sure a companion for you is out there somewhere when the timing is really right for you.

 

[athena53]

Congratulations on bringing this phase of your life to a close and getting out in relatively good financial shape. We've got a lot in common although my Ex was more into spending on "stuff" rather than gambling on day trades, but he was unemployed the last 5 years of the marriage and all his credit cards were maxed out. (They were paid off from his share of the equity in the marital home.) Fortunately I was able to negotiate a deal in which I kept all of the investments in my name in return for not getting child support, which he never would have paid anyway.

I was 44 at the time of the divorce and actually did start dating DH soon after, but we dated for 6 years before marrying. We just celebrated our 11th anniversary and life is good. Even though he retired when we married (he was 65 and we moved for my job), it has made a huge difference to marry someone on the same page financially.

I hope this is a great new start for you!

 

[Chuckanut]

Getting divorced after 20 years of marriage (good, bad or so-so) can be a liberating experience. One can also make some silly mistakes. The #1 mistake is the rebound marriage/relationship. You seem smart enough to avoid that. I can't tell you what to do, but I will pass on what worked for me.

#1. Wanting female companionship, but not ready for a relationship, I took up ballroom dancing. Great stuff. A guy gets to hold a woman, sometimes close, and at the end of the dance, we thank each other and things end on a friendly note.

Besides, where else but the dance floor can a man tell a woman, what he wants her to do and when to do it, and she will happily comply?

#2. Travel. When I was feeling down I decided to feed my travel bug big time. After my first Christmas divorced, I booked a trip to France and spent Bastille Day in Paris. What a kick!

#3. Good friends of the same gender. Having guy friends was a great relief. Alas several of them have passed away of left town for health reasons earlier than they should have.

#4. Family. I can't tell you how much my sister helped me through this. And, of course, I spent lots of time with my children.

 

[haha]

#4. Family. <I can't tell you how much my sister helped me through this.> And, of course, I spent lots of time with my children.

You did well, as did I . But I know lots of men whose kids, especially daughters, rejected them after they divorced from their mothers.

Ha

 

[ivinsfan]

You did well, as did I . But I know lots of men whose kids, especially daughters, rejected them after they divorced from their mothers.

Ha

Odd how it's always the Dad that seems to get shut out. It makes me think a lot of Moms keep bad mouthing him or say to the kids some version of pick a side, my side or his side. A lot of ladies talk family harmony, but can't seem to move on.

 

[nun]

I can't say enough about how the Post Marital Property Settlement Agreement has saved my finances and assets during this. It may not work for everyone. It may not be possible for everyone to get one in place.

I divorced 20 years ago and although it was emotionally difficult, financially and practically it couldn't have gone better. A big reason for that that was a Separation Agreement that we both signed so there was almost nothing for the lawyers to do other than file the papers with the court.

My ex wife and I divided our finances 50/50. We agreed to sell the house and share any gains or losses and tossed a coin to see who got first choice of our joint possessions. Neither of us wanted any support from the other, but we agreed that things like health insurance would continue until the divorce. Selling the house and our mutual funds gave us both enough money to start again and as soon as my ex-wife found a job she called me and we finally closed our joint account.

My ex got a lawyer to file the papers and go over the separation agreement, I represented myself. I remember a bizarre meeting where my ex decided she didn't want to bother with half of the 401k, which was around $50k back then, and her lawyer and myself both tried to get her to take it. I still don't understand her attitude, maybe she just didn't want to bother, maybe it was a bit of guilt or maybe she just didn't want to have anything that reminded her of me and the marriage. Anyway, I rolled it into an IRA and to this day have kept her as the beneficiary.....it just seems right.

 

[sheehs1]

Congratulations on closing this unhappy and unpleasant chapter of your life, that took courage.

You must have spend many of the last years unhappy and feeling unloved and unappreciated. Have you sorted thru all this in your mind, as it seems really early days to be dating. It's human nature to want closeness with another person,but do you feel you are back to the real sheesh1 who is ready to identify an kind adult equal relationship? I'm sure a companion for you is out there somewhere when the timing is really right for you.

Good question ivinsfan. Not sure of the answer. Am really just wanting the socialization piece of dating, trying to make new friends, etc. Have made a couple of friends such that I can call on them to meet me for dinner, etc. All of them know how recent this is for me and aren't pushing.

Am I back to the real sheehs1? I think I am reclaiming pieces of me but find I still need and cherish my privacy and peace and quiet because of the last 20 years. Am I ready to go head long into a relationship? No, I'm not. Not just yet.

 

[nun]

Good question ivinsfan. Not sure of the answer. Am really just wanting the socialization piece of dating, trying to make new friends, etc. Have made a couple of friends such that I can call on them to meet me for dinner, etc. All of them know how recent this is for me and aren't pushing.

Am I back to the real sheehs1? I think I am reclaiming pieces of me but find I still need and cherish my privacy and peace and quiet because of the last 20 years. Am I ready to go head long into a relationship? No, I'm not. Not just yet.

Take it very, very slowly. It's easy to be vulnerable coming out of a divorce. Start socializing with friends, join some clubs, begin some new hobbies.

 

[HFWR]

Am I back to the real sheehs1? I think I am reclaiming pieces of me but find I still need and cherish my privacy and peace and quiet because of the last 20 years. Am I ready to go head long into a relationship? No, I'm not. Not just yet.

After a particularly painful break-up, though not a divorce, I started attending meet-ups, to get out of the house, and meet new people. I did make some friends, but being an introvert, I find the socializing aspect tedious. I may look into groups more focused on things I enjoy, rather than socializing in general, but I really don't want to go out more than once or twice a week, and really don't care for bars, or large crowds, or a lot of "noise"...

 

[sheehs1]

Getting divorced after 20 years of marriage (good, bad or so-so) can be a liberating experience. One can also make some silly mistakes. The #1 mistake is the rebound marriage/relationship. You seem smart enough to avoid that. I can't tell you what to do, but I will pass on what worked for me.

#1. Wanting female companionship, but not ready for a relationship, I took up ballroom dancing. Great stuff. A guy gets to hold a woman, sometimes close, and at the end of the dance, we thank each other and things end on a friendly note.

Besides, where else but the dance floor can a man tell a woman, what he wants her to do and when to do it, and she will happily comply?

#2. Travel. When I was feeling down I decided to feed my travel bug big time. After my first Christmas divorced, I booked a trip to France and spent Bastille Day in Paris. What a kick!

#3. Good friends of the same gender. Having guy friends was a great relief. Alas several of them have passed away of left town for health reasons earlier than they should have.

#4. Family. I can't tell you how much my sister helped me through this. And, of course, I spent lots of time with my children.

All good ideas Chuckanut! I have some close girlfriends, my social group at the local YMCA, my daughter, granddaughter, my twin sister who has helped immensely and my brother.
Haven't quite gotten up the courage to fly to France alone but hey, who knows?? Spent 3 weeks touring Europe in my 20's with an international drivers license. Past time for a Repeat!

 

[sheehs1]

You did well, as did I . But I know lots of men whose kids, especially daughters, rejected them after they divorced from their mothers.

Ha

I have heard those stories too. Truth of the matter is he has done a lot of damage to my daughter. I do not talk about it or him with her. Never had unless she asked me a point blank question. Even then, I tempered my answer.

It was the opposite with me where he would complain to her about me. He would throw me under the bus all the time. Told him for years he was making mistake. After all she was my biological daughter. I never did that to his sons.

Recent ex: He had paid me his monthly contribution, if you will , June 30th for July. He was pissed and characterized it to the children as "my stealing" his money for that month. (Really?? Seriously? Stealing? ). But of course what he did not tell them was he owed me the $100,000 for paying off his mortgage, or that I pay over 1/2 the bills anyway. I told him to simply deduct it from what he owed me. But the damage of how he characterized me was already done. They will figure it out one day. My daughter already has to some extent. She respects me for not discussing the details with her.

And of course I am footing the total bill for the divorce. And since, he has gone on 2 expensive golf trips. Not that I care. Just making a point I suppose.

 

[sheehs1]

Odd how it's always the Dad that seems to get shut out. It makes me think a lot of Moms keep bad mouthing him or say to the kids some version of pick a side, my side or his side. A lot of ladies talk family harmony, but can't seem to move on.

Not always the Dad. I anticipate this is what will happen with my stepsons that I raised. See previous post about his bad mouthing me to the kids.

 

[sheehs1]

I divorced 20 years ago and although it was emotionally difficult, financially and practically it couldn't have gone better. A big reason for that that was a Separation Agreement that we both signed so there was almost nothing for the lawyers to do other than file the papers with the court.

My ex wife and I divided our finances 50/50. We agreed to sell the house and share any gains or losses and tossed a coin to see who got first choice of our joint possessions. Neither of us wanted any support from the other, but we agreed that things like health insurance would continue until the divorce. Selling the house and our mutual funds gave us both enough money to start again and as soon as my ex-wife found a job she called me and we finally closed our joint account.

My ex got a lawyer to file the papers and go over the separation agreement, I represented myself. I remember a bizarre meeting where my ex decided she didn't want to bother with half of the 401k, which was around $50k back then, and her lawyer and myself both tried to get her to take it. I still don't understand her attitude, maybe she just didn't want to bother, maybe it was a bit of guilt or maybe she just didn't want to have anything that reminded her of me and the marriage. Anyway, I rolled it into an IRA and to this day have kept her as the beneficiary.....it just seems right.

You are exceptional person Nun.

 

[ivinsfan]

Not always the Dad. I anticipate this is what will happen with my stepsons that I raised. See previous post about his bad mouthing me to the kids.

Should clarify that a bit I guess, as a stepmom you are always vulnerable to this happening when a split occurs. I hope this doesn't cause you too much distress as even an adult child forsaking a natural parent for a step is very rare. They have to get along with Dad forever and your EX doesn't sounds like an easy person to deal with.

 

[sheehs1]

Take it very, very slowly. It's easy to be vulnerable coming out of a divorce. Start socializing with friends, join some clubs, begin some new hobbies.

Will do nun. As a matter of fact, feeling the need to pull back a bit on the dating front. I have hobbies mostly solitary such as reading, knitting, waling 2 to 3 miles almost every day. etc. A friend is moving into my neighborhood who can be a walking buddy if our times work out. Go the to YMCA and have friends there. Perhaps a few more clubs but have to decided which ones I'm interested in and if re available in my area. Small city. 7,000. Might...not sure yet...take up golf. Have a set of Callaways hardly used.

oh and have started my second bathroom renovation. My contractor started today. So far this year have done 2 bath renovations and conditioned my crawl space. Am intent on getting the house in shape should I decide to sell. That sort of thing. Last week after finding out my microwave was not vented to the outside, got that fixed. (They covered up the vent hole when I did that addition 18 years ago. Don't know where I thought it was going all these years. It wasn't.


Several more projects on the "agenda" perhaps. I need a ridge vent in a short step roof that was part of the addition. Fan in powder room not venting to anything and no vent in roof there. Can't be more than 15 feet. Anyway, I have a small problem with mold growing on powder room ceiling during hot months and humidity of August. Only this room. no other. Has to be the roof system and lack of venting. When I got on a step ladder to clean, kill and repaint, it was hot as it could be a ceiling height.

Kitchen addition? ummmm....maybe not so much. Already did the hardwood floor, granite thing 8 years ago. I don't need the space, although I think it would sell faster.

 

[sheehs1]

After a particularly painful break-up, though not a divorce, I started attending meet-ups, to get out of the house, and meet new people. I did make some friends, but being an introvert, I find the socializing aspect tedious. I may look into groups more focused on things I enjoy, rather than socializing in general, but I really don't want to go out more than once or twice a week, and really don't care for bars, or large crowds, or a lot of "noise"...

I hear you HFWR. After spending so much time alone (in the house that is) the last 10 years and in particular since the kids were not around, I had developed a daily routine. Honestly my daily routine hasn't changed much. Only real change is that I do not have to make dinner should I decide not to do so.

 

[nun]

Will do nun. As a matter of fact, feeling the need to pull back a bit on the dating front. I have hobbies mostly solitary such as reading, knitting, waling 2 to 3 miles almost every day. etc. A friend is moving into my neighborhood who can be a walking buddy if our times work out. Go the to YMCA and have friends there. Perhaps a few more clubs but have to decided which ones I'm interested in and if re available in my area. Small city. 7,000. Might...not sure yet...take up golf. Have a set of Callaways hardly used.

Doing something physical is a great for both your mind and body. After my divorce I took up cycling and cycle touring. It's developed into a passion and I've ridden lots of miles in different countries.....

 

[nun]

You are exceptional person Nun.

I can't take all the praise, my ex must share in making the divorce as painless as possible.

 

[sheehs1]

Should clarify that a bit I guess, as a stepmom you are always vulnerable to this happening when a split occurs. I hope this doesn't cause you too much distress as even an adult child forsaking a natural parent for a step is very rare. They have to get along with Dad forever and your EX doesn't sounds like an easy person to deal with.

Knew that could be a consequence. That said, I did write them a letter early on. One called me and assured me he just wanting everyone "happy" and that I would be invited to his wedding October 2015 (we'll see). Have not heard from the oldest 31 year old. Don't really expect to although we were close. Just not his style. For ex: when his Dad was in Detox, he did not come to see him when he got home. The other youngest one did.

The oldest is the one we always worried about. A bit passive, does not move out of his comfort zone, never did and probably never will, low motivation (why should he be, he never was made to join what the others were doing such as Sunday School, etc. but the smartest one.

My daughter is close to both. They were/are like brothers and sisters. I think the relationships there will be maintained. Youngest and fiancé visited my daughter and her husband a month ago. That sort of thing.

I worry about my daughter but as she said she felt closer to her father in law than her father.

 

[aja8888]

I can't take all the praise, my ex must share in making the divorce as painless as possible.

I only wish I was married to your ex instead of the one that I had to deal with. Even Muhammad Ali wouldn't have wanted in that fight!

 

[nun]

I only wish I was married to your ex instead of the one that I had to deal with. Even Muhammad Ali wouldn't have wanted in that fight!

Yep, when I look back on things my ex and I were lucky....or maybe just sensible.

We had no kids, that made things easier as we could make a clean break. I think we both wanted to come out of the divorce with some dignity and while there were times that we just couldn't be in the same room together, I'm pretty sure we never wanted to go out of our way to hurt each other. We were also quite young, my ex was 28 and I was 33, so starting again wasn't that terrible and with no support and dividing things 50/50 (except the 401k) it was as easy a split as possible.

 

[athena53]

Odd how it's always the Dad that seems to get shut out. It makes me think a lot of Moms keep bad mouthing him or say to the kids some version of pick a side, my side or his side. A lot of ladies talk family harmony, but can't seem to move on.

I did everything I could to encourage a positive relationship between DS and his father but it's hard when, at 12 years old, your kid has been through calling the cops on Dad for violating a Restraining Order. (I was at work when DS came home and found him parked on the couch.) I remembered that there were reasons I'd married his father in the beginning and that he came from a wonderful family (and I'm still in touch with them.) If you put the ex-spouse down as a complete rat with no redeeming qualities, you're telling your kids that 50% of their genes are crap.

My Ex died of liver and kidney failure in 2010. (DS, at age 25, had to issue the Do Not Resuscitate Order.) I always try to remember to tell DS and DDIL good stories about DS and his father from when DS was little. We all know the bad stuff happened- no need to dwell on it.

Sorry to hijack the OP's thread, but I wanted to let you know that this ex-wife has stayed as positive as possible under the circumstances. I think it helped DS and me go on with less emotional baggage.