Another Marriage Bites The Dust Due To Financial Incompatibility plus

[sheehs1]

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Originally Posted by nun I divorced 20 years ago and although it was emotionally difficult, financially and practically it couldn't have gone better. A big reason for that that was a Separation Agreement that we both signed so there was almost nothing for the lawyers to do other than file the papers with the court. My ex wife and I divided our finances 50/50. We agreed to sell the house and share any gains or losses and tossed a coin to see who got first choice of our joint possessions. Neither of us wanted any support from the other, but we agreed that things like health insurance would continue until the divorce. Selling the house and our mutual funds gave us both enough money to start again and as soon as my ex-wife found a job she called me and we finally closed our joint account. My ex got a lawyer to file the papers and go over the separation agreement, I represented myself. I remember a bizarre meeting where my ex decided she didn't want to bother with half of the 401k, which was around $50k back then, and her lawyer and myself both tried to get her to take it. I still don't understand her attitude, maybe she just didn't want to bother, maybe it was a bit of guilt or maybe she just didn't want to have anything that reminded her of me and the marriage. Anyway, I rolled it into an IRA and to this day have kept her as the beneficiary.....it just seems right.

You are exceptional person Nun.

[ivinsfan]

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Originally Posted by sheehs1 Not always the Dad. I anticipate this is what will happen with my stepsons that I raised. See previous post about his bad mouthing me to the kids.

Should clarify that a bit I guess, as a stepmom you are always vulnerable to this happening when a split occurs. I hope this doesn't cause you too much distress as even an adult child forsaking a natural parent for a step is very rare. They have to get along with Dad forever and your EX doesn't sounds like an easy person to deal with.

[sheehs1]

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Originally Posted by nun Take it very, very slowly. It's easy to be vulnerable coming out of a divorce. Start socializing with friends, join some clubs, begin some new hobbies.

Will do nun. As a matter of fact, feeling the need to pull back a bit on the dating front. I have hobbies mostly solitary such as reading, knitting, waling 2 to 3 miles almost every day. etc. A friend is moving into my neighborhood who can be a walking buddy if our times work out. Go the to YMCA and have friends there. Perhaps a few more clubs but have to decided which ones I'm interested in and if re available in my area. Small city. 7,000. Might...not sure yet...take up golf. Have a set of Callaways hardly used.

oh and have started my second bathroom renovation. My contractor started today. So far this year have done 2 bath renovations and conditioned my crawl space. Am intent on getting the house in shape should I decide to sell. That sort of thing. Last week after finding out my microwave was not vented to the outside, got that fixed. (They covered up the vent hole when I did that addition 18 years ago. Don't know where I thought it was going all these years. It wasn't.


Several more projects on the "agenda" perhaps. I need a ridge vent in a short step roof that was part of the addition. Fan in powder room not venting to anything and no vent in roof there. Can't be more than 15 feet. Anyway, I have a small problem with mold growing on powder room ceiling during hot months and humidity of August. Only this room. no other. Has to be the roof system and lack of venting. When I got on a step ladder to clean, kill and repaint, it was hot as it could be a ceiling height.

Kitchen addition? ummmm....maybe not so much. Already did the hardwood floor, granite thing 8 years ago. I don't need the space, although I think it would sell faster.

[sheehs1]

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Originally Posted by HFWR After a particularly painful break-up, though not a divorce, I started attending meet-ups, to get out of the house, and meet new people. I did make some friends, but being an introvert, I find the socializing aspect tedious. I may look into groups more focused on things I enjoy, rather than socializing in general, but I really don't want to go out more than once or twice a week, and really don't care for bars, or large crowds, or a lot of "noise"...

I hear you HFWR. After spending so much time alone (in the house that is) the last 10 years and in particular since the kids were not around, I had developed a daily routine. Honestly my daily routine hasn't changed much. Only real change is that I do not have to make dinner should I decide not to do so.

[nun]

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Originally Posted by sheehs1 Will do nun. As a matter of fact, feeling the need to pull back a bit on the dating front. I have hobbies mostly solitary such as reading, knitting, waling 2 to 3 miles almost every day. etc. A friend is moving into my neighborhood who can be a walking buddy if our times work out. Go the to YMCA and have friends there. Perhaps a few more clubs but have to decided which ones I'm interested in and if re available in my area. Small city. 7,000. Might...not sure yet...take up golf. Have a set of Callaways hardly used.

Doing something physical is a great for both your mind and body. After my divorce I took up cycling and cycle touring. It's developed into a passion and I've ridden lots of miles in different countries.....

[nun]

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Originally Posted by sheehs1 You are exceptional person Nun.

I can't take all the praise, my ex must share in making the divorce as painless as possible.

[sheehs1]

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Originally Posted by ivinsfan Should clarify that a bit I guess, as a stepmom you are always vulnerable to this happening when a split occurs. I hope this doesn't cause you too much distress as even an adult child forsaking a natural parent for a step is very rare. They have to get along with Dad forever and your EX doesn't sounds like an easy person to deal with.

Knew that could be a consequence. That said, I did write them a letter early on. One called me and assured me he just wanting everyone "happy" and that I would be invited to his wedding October 2015 (we'll see). Have not heard from the oldest 31 year old. Don't really expect to although we were close. Just not his style. For ex: when his Dad was in Detox, he did not come to see him when he got home. The other youngest one did.

The oldest is the one we always worried about. A bit passive, does not move out of his comfort zone, never did and probably never will, low motivation (why should he be, he never was made to join what the others were doing such as Sunday School, etc. but the smartest one.

My daughter is close to both. They were/are like brothers and sisters. I think the relationships there will be maintained. Youngest and fiancé visited my daughter and her husband a month ago. That sort of thing.

I worry about my daughter but as she said she felt closer to her father in law than her father.

[aja8888]

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Originally Posted by nun I can't take all the praise, my ex must share in making the divorce as painless as possible.

I only wish I was married to your ex instead of the one that I had to deal with. Even Muhammad Ali wouldn't have wanted in that fight!

[nun]

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Originally Posted by aja8888 I only wish I was married to your ex instead of the one that I had to deal with. Even Muhammad Ali wouldn't have wanted in that fight!

Yep, when I look back on things my ex and I were lucky....or maybe just sensible.

We had no kids, that made things easier as we could make a clean break. I think we both wanted to come out of the divorce with some dignity and while there were times that we just couldn't be in the same room together, I'm pretty sure we never wanted to go out of our way to hurt each other. We were also quite young, my ex was 28 and I was 33, so starting again wasn't that terrible and with no support and dividing things 50/50 (except the 401k) it was as easy a split as possible.

[athena53]

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Originally Posted by ivinsfan Odd how it's always the Dad that seems to get shut out. It makes me think a lot of Moms keep bad mouthing him or say to the kids some version of pick a side, my side or his side. A lot of ladies talk family harmony, but can't seem to move on.

I did everything I could to encourage a positive relationship between DS and his father but it's hard when, at 12 years old, your kid has been through calling the cops on Dad for violating a Restraining Order. (I was at work when DS came home and found him parked on the couch.) I remembered that there were reasons I'd married his father in the beginning and that he came from a wonderful family (and I'm still in touch with them.) If you put the ex-spouse down as a complete rat with no redeeming qualities, you're telling your kids that 50% of their genes are crap.

My Ex died of liver and kidney failure in 2010. (DS, at age 25, had to issue the Do Not Resuscitate Order.) I always try to remember to tell DS and DDIL good stories about DS and his father from when DS was little. We all know the bad stuff happened- no need to dwell on it.

Sorry to hijack the OP's thread, but I wanted to let you know that this ex-wife has stayed as positive as possible under the circumstances. I think it helped DS and me go on with less emotional baggage.

[ivinsfan]

Please don't feel you have to explain yourself. Every family had it's own circumstances.

I simply meant it seems as though women seem to have a harder time letting go of hurts and moving on.

[Chuckanut]

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Originally Posted by sheehs1 Not always the Dad. I anticipate this is what will happen with my stepsons that I raised. See previous post about his bad mouthing me to the kids.

Kids, as they mature, figure these things out.

The trick is to not get into a mud slinging war with the ex - something you have figured out. Like my old grand pappy used to say - "When you wrestle with a pig, you get dirty and the pig has fun."

[athena53]

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Originally Posted by ivinsfan Please don't feel you have to explain yourself. Every family had its own circumstances. I simply meant it seems as though women seem to have a harder time letting go of hurts and moving on.

Just providing a counterexample although I agree with your generalization. One of the funniest plot lines on the TV show "Cybill" years ago was her friend Mary Ann, who spent most of her energy trying to get even with her Ex, whom she called "Dr. Dick". It made for funny TV, but is a really bad way to live.

[Chuckanut]

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Originally Posted by athena53 One of the funniest plot lines on the TV show "Cybill" years ago was her friend Mary Ann, who spent most of her energy trying to get even with her Ex, whom she called "Dr. Dick". It made for funny TV, but is a really bad way to live.

Very true. Like my old grand pappy used to say, "Living well is the best revenge." Trite, but true.

[sheehs1]

Thought I should give a brief update for all those that supported me in this thread. My divorce was final October 9th and I have the decree in hand. It was as non-contentious as I hoped it might be. There was no communication with my ex during this time. He did not get a lawyer and he never called mine. Hence I felt some obligation to call him the day it was final to let him know.

He seemed surprised and started in on a few blaming statements such as "you are the one that did it" and something about "my not keeping him informed".
I simply responded, "It was up to him to keep himself informed". I also said, "I didn't appreciate the way he characterized this to the children and that he bore as much responsibility for it as me. He said "he didn't want to hear it".

Anyway, I am content, peaceful and dare I say, happy for the most part. It is strange to begin to reclaim parts of myself I lost. What parts? The part of me that loved to dance and laugh. The part of me that looks forward to what may be in the future rather than dreading the next crisis I knew would come. I have gone out and I will continue to go to dinner but all that has told me is that I am no where near ready to take on another relationship. Good to know, huh?

Thank you all for your support and kind words. I do not know that anyone will find this thread in the future but if so, I hope it helps them.

[Walt34]

Thank you for the update and am happy to hear that things are looking up for you. Onward!

[redduck]

Given the circumstances, it sounds as if this divorce went really well. I imagine it had a lot to do with your positive attitude, determination, and sticking to your plans and goals. As I recall there were some people here skeptical that you would survive this experience at any decent level--or even follow through with it. Job well done.

[daylatedollarshort]

Thank you for the update. It sounds like the worst is behind you now. I hope you have a fun and relaxing life ahead of you.

[Rickt]

Sheesh1, Admire your courage to go thru the divorce. Pray for better future. Best Wishes!

[Dreamer]

Glad to hear that the divorce is behind you and wish you the best going forward. I was surprised to hear that the divorce went through so quickly. I wish you peace going forward in your life.