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Another Marriage Bites The Dust Due To Financial Incompatibility plus
Old 07-06-2014, 09:15 AM   #1
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Another Marriage Bites The Dust Due To Financial Incompatibility plus

Have not posted for a while. Made a decision to end my 22 year marriage. Could not take it anymore. Have been struggling with this decision for several years. Particularly this year. Kids are grown and launched. Struck with the knowledge that I was not going to live the next 25 years the way I have lived the last 25, which seem to be from crisis to crisis on my husbands part. Suffice it to say we were not and never will be financially compatible. In other areas we are not compatible as well. (i.e., vacations he will go only where there is a casino, refuses to dance even one slow dance with me, can't communicate without anger, etc., etc.). We have never shared one bank account, one financial goal and he is neither nor has he ever been financially invested in our marriage or any so called shared goals.

I suppose the details no longer matter. But his addictions to internet stock marketing gambling (loosing a half million) and his addictions to other things prevents him from being present in the marriage or our life. It was "ok", only sort of, while I was raising the kids but they are grown and have their own lives now. Many things happened this year for me to come to this final decision.

Many years ago back in 2007 when we were "separated", I asked for and got a signed post marital property settlement agreement, basically saying what is mine is mine and what is his is his. Therefore, nothing I have is at risk due to the future divorce.

Just hoping I have enough. No longer "formally working" but have a net worth of 3 million with over half of that in investable assets, (despite his shenanigans over the years and the fact I supported myself and daughter and this home for 21 of those 22 years), Board Fee income of $18,000/yr, K1 income over $100,000/yr. ,, SSN in three years if I choose to take it which I may, Investment income, etc., etc. No debt, paid off my home, Bills are to the core and can live well below the total of those buckets, still save perhaps until 62 and start spending some of it.

The only thing I did over a year ago that I am kicking myself for is paying off his mortgage on his office building in return for a monthly payment. (i.e., instead of paying the bank, he paid me). $100,000 remaining on the balance of that promissory note. No doubt, he will get it to me...but not sure when. I have already called the loan.

More to the point, while that is my net worth, his is almost non-existent. He is a gambler and it will ever stop. Sad too because he is a professional that had all the potential to be where I am but poor choices, poor judgement, gamblers mentally shot that in the foot. Hence huge differences in how we handle money, financial goals, etc. And I have had enough of all of it.

Want nothing but peace, quiet and a chance for a more enriched life from this point on.
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Old 07-06-2014, 09:21 AM   #2
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I am sorry to hear you are going through this painful process.

My husband's family had some folks who were gamblers. It definitely can ruin a marriage. Their issues were before the internet and prevalence of Indian casinos... bu they were close enough to Atlantic City... It's definitely an addiction.
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Old 07-06-2014, 09:34 AM   #3
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Appreciate the response rodi. Yes. Took me a long time to get to this decision. Hard to think someone so very bright, who is a professional can be do this. But as you said, it is an addiction. There were other problems as well that sort of tie into it. Had to get him into detox back in 2010 for pain med addiction, along with Ambien and Xanax. He remains on some withdrawal meds and refuses counseling. Then there is the inability/refusal to communicate unless it is with anger. So many reasons for this decision. He got a lot of mileage out of my deep desire to do what I could and be there for "family". While he was totally irresponsible. Well...kids are grown now and I'm left with him and all the issues. Thanks so much for the support. I am doing well. The hard part, getting to the decision is over. Nothing for me but positives now (I hope). Divorce should be simple paper work.
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Old 07-06-2014, 09:34 AM   #4
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It takes a big person to realize they're in a bad situation and it's time to get out.

My best friend literally does not like his wife, hasn't liked her for over 25 years and swears he's going to get divorced. Still swearing and still unhappily married.
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Old 07-06-2014, 09:42 AM   #5
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mikefixac. I love that statement. I was probably a coward for years but in reality was just trying to maintain some level of stability for my daughter. In hind site, not so stable but at least I was. She took some hits that I will never forgive him for. (blended family, he adopted her). So am more than ready to face the music so to speak. I was basically living by myself in the same house so I don't expect life to change a lot. Except that I AM going to put some positive things in place so life should actually get much better!

Re: your best friend. Sad isn't it...that people complain for years while not changing a thing.
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Old 07-06-2014, 10:22 AM   #6
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Sorry to hear you've had to endure this. I too divorced a gambler after seeing she would not get any help until she hit bottom and I wasn't going to let her take me along for the ride. My divorce was quite contentious though as I had to fight her for custody of our three year old daughter. The legal bills and settlement were a huge hit but I was able to overcome them and move on because it ended up being a small price to pay for peace and stability. Have now been happily married to DW for 13 years and am really fortunate to have met someone so in tune with me and we retired last year at 55/50.

I truly hope the divorce goes as smoothly as you expect and that you come out the other side in a much better place. It sounds as if you will be in fine shape financially.
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Old 07-06-2014, 10:53 AM   #7
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I also divorced after a long marriage....and found the love of my life. We have been married for seven years this October and I have never been happier.

As you said....the tough stuff is done. The next chapter will be exciting to experience.
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Old 07-06-2014, 10:59 AM   #8
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Sorry to hear about your marriage but glad you had the courage to end it .
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Old 07-06-2014, 11:09 AM   #9
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It is never too late to start a better future.
I suppose you had and have lawyers advice to protect your assets.
Financially you should be ok.
On the emotional side, take your time to heal.
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Old 07-06-2014, 11:50 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by BTravlin View Post
Sorry to hear you've had to endure this. I too divorced a gambler after seeing she would not get any help until she hit bottom and I wasn't going to let her take me along for the ride. My divorce was quite contentious though as I had to fight her for custody of our three year old daughter. The legal bills and settlement were a huge hit but I was able to overcome them and move on because it ended up being a small price to pay for peace and stability. Have now been happily married to DW for 13 years and am really fortunate to have met someone so in tune with me and we retired last year at 55/50.

I truly hope the divorce goes as smoothly as you expect and that you come out the other side in a much better place. It sounds as if you will be in fine shape financially.
Am happy you found someone so in tune with you BTravlin. Not expecting large legal bills and due to Post Marital Property Settlement agreement signed after one other separation (before I would let him back), no financial settlement. I have what I have. That said, I suppose he and his lawyers could try to get that agreement tossed out. (pray for me!). However, it was signed, notarized and reviewed by a lawyer who said it was all a legal agreement with all the correct clauses in it to hold up in court.
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Old 07-06-2014, 11:51 AM   #11
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I also divorced after a long marriage....and found the love of my life. We have been married for seven years this October and I have never been happier.

As you said....the tough stuff is done. The next chapter will be exciting to experience.
Oh...so happy for you Silver! The love of my life is still a figment of my imagination. One can hope!
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Old 07-06-2014, 11:53 AM   #12
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Sorry to hear about your marriage but glad you had the courage to end it .
Thank you Moemg. It's been a long time coming but I think I always knew it would come to this. Once I realized his problems were not going to go away. That they were part of him and he was incapable of change. Refused counseling for years.
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Old 07-06-2014, 11:54 AM   #13
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It is never too late to start a better future.
I suppose you had and have lawyers advice to protect your assets.
Financially you should be ok.
On the emotional side, take your time to heal.
Thank you chris2008. I think a lot of that had to occur for me to reach the decision. That said, yes there is some healing to do. Assets protected.
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Old 07-06-2014, 12:09 PM   #14
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I am so sorry to hear your marriage is heading towards the big D. However, can I also say that I'm so, so happy for you that you're finally putting unhappiness behind you, and that you are pursuing a much brighter, happier, and healthier future! I admire your courage (ending a 22 yr marriage is no easy decision) and particularly your smartness in protecting your assets. Women so very often get screwed in situations like this, because they let their emotions and some BS given by their husbands and the society blind themselves, and end up loosing a big time financially. You are one smart and strong woman, and if know your happiness will be just around the corner! Best of luck with the settlement, and please keep us posted.
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Old 07-06-2014, 12:20 PM   #15
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Good job cutting the dead weight. I imagine your life will be dramatically improved and you will find happiness everywhere.


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Old 07-06-2014, 12:20 PM   #16
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So sorry to hear this, sheehs1; but as you say, the most difficult part was probably coming to this decision. My best wishes to you.
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Old 07-06-2014, 12:59 PM   #17
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sheehs1, I have read and enjoyed your posts for years, without realizing that you were struggling with all these issues. I'm sorry to hear the end result. It just goes to show that we all have issues somewhere and nothing is perfect.
I hope being able to share now and get some feedback brings you some type of comfort.Best wishes, it will be hard, even though you know it has to happen.

I think a lot of people don't value peace and quiet in their life until they don't have it.
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Old 07-06-2014, 01:01 PM   #18
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What a great move to get that post-marital agreement. Sorry that it didn't solve anything with the marriage. Seems like it would have been enough of a wakeup call to your DH. But it gave you the chance to give it another try without risking your financial livelihood. I'd say you've done as much as you could without totally giving in.

Best wishes for the future.
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Old 07-06-2014, 01:14 PM   #19
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Sorry to hear about your ordeal, but good that you are now moving in a positive direction to enjoy more happiness in your retirement years. Wishing you all the best!
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Old 07-06-2014, 02:09 PM   #20
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Thank you all for your responses. They mean a lot to me. Have tried to send private thanks to all but feel that is almost not enough to show how much I appreciate all of the support.
Yes I have posted for years. Yes I have indicated we had a blended family for now 22 years. And yes, I did not let on that the financial side of our marriage was one sided. Sometimes, it was difficult to respond to polls or certain threads of "His, Mine and Ours" because I had extenuating circumstances.
Some of you might remember I had been wanting a beach cottage. Well, that was one of the things that broke the camels back so to speak, this year (among other things like verbal and emotional abuse). Found a cottage. Wanted him to sign an agreement that if I went on the hook for the $600k to improve our quality of life, he would sign "another agreement" that should we separate (because we had in the past), he would continue the monthly "stipend" (if you will) that he contributed and I, in return would put the cottage on the market. Wasn't asking him to increase it. Just to continue it. So was asking him to just keep things up until it sold. Sound fair and reasonable? He refused to sign. So with that I realized he never would commit to any financial responsibility, shared goal, shared dream. Not ever. It was about only me having the burden and liability to provide...yet again. I suppose not a surprise with a gambler that needs to feed his habit.
I did not have a companion. He was not ever "really" present in the marriage. Would take off work to play golf with friends. Would not take off work for us to do anything. Never, not once in 22 years....had he ever said to me..."Honey, let's go here on Saturday".
During one separation, I told my Dad (who was still alive then), that I did not know what was in his heart. I still do not.
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