Any advice on dealing with bullying in a school?

[haha]

What a pity, Aaron. I'm sorry to hear something like this happened to you or happens to any child. I have always felt teaching should attract the best sort of person but I am an idealist where certain things are concerned I'm afraid. I also think we should be willing to pay for the best where teaching is concerned and get local school board politics out of the hiring process.

One definition of an idealist is someone who sees what she believes rather than believes what she sees.

Ha

 

[Walt34]

My brother outfitted his son/my nephew with a digital recording device under his loose-fitting shirt (somehow taped it to him; under the shirt it still recorded well enough; he just set it to record the whole day).

Check the state law before doing that. In MD it would possibly get you in legal trouble because the consent of BOTH parties is required absent a court order. In most states only the the consent of one person is required.

I realize we're talking about a third-grader here but I wouldn't count on common sense being applied when dealing with school administrators.

Check state law first.

 

[brewer12345]

I'm sure you have spoken directly to the parents of the children that are being unkind. What do they say?

I am reluctant to do this simply because of potential legal issues.

At least some of the parents of these little bastards have been told by the school of their behavior issues. We will press for more.

 

[Telly]

Call, and set up a meeting face-to-face with the Principal. Do NOT discuss it over the phone, just set up the meeting. You need to BE THERE, don't let anyone want to get into it over the phone instead. The phone is an "insulation" tool.

Be courteous, but firm in the meeting. Do not be a hot-head, or you will be marked as a troublesome parent, and they will try to avoid you and discount you. Do not say anything at the end that would minimize your case.

If you can put a list of bullet-items together, and talk from them, that will be a plus. A knowledgeable, firm, prepared parent who wants resolution to a problem is someone to be paid great attention to.

I am speaking from experience, and now have inside info on how many schools "work"... some poorly!

 

[brewer12345]

We are at the school physically every day and speak daily with the dean of students.

 

[Telly]

Set up a meeting with the Principal, not a henchmen underling, they are a dime a dozen. Set up the meeting during the school day, away from the beginning or end of the day. Do it one-on-one with the Principal, without the child. If needed later, the child can always be called down. The less audience, the better. Don't want them to be putting on a public floaty keeping-face over it.

In most school districts, the Principal of each school reports to the Superintendent, or to someone who directly reports to the Superintendent.

Use corporate business skills when dealing with school issues and people like this. The "education" world is, in my experiences, a disorganized do-the-least-possible often sloppy world. If most school districts were a business, and depended on customers buying, they would be out of business!!!

It's a hassle, shouldn't have to do it, but it can make a difference. Did for us with a teacher harassment issue in elementary school.

 

[brewer12345]

Set up a meeting with the Principal, not a henchmen underling, they are a dime a dozen. Set up the meeting during the school day, away from the beginning or end of the day. Do it one-on-one with the Principal, without the child. If needed later, the child can always be called down. The less audience, the better. Don't want them to be putting on a public floaty keeping-face over it.

In most school districts, the Principal of each school reports to the Superintendent, or to someone who directly reports to the Superintendent.

Use corporate business skills when dealing with school issues and people like this. The "education" world is, in my experiences, a disorganized do-the-least-possible often sloppy world. If most school districts were a business, and depended on customers buying, they would be out of business!!!

It's a hassle, shouldn't have to do it, but it can make a difference. Did for us with a teacher harassment issue in elementary school.

I just spent 5 years as a bank examiner essentially forcing tough customers at large banks to fix problems I or other examiners found. I know how to play this game. At the moment, I am still playing nice with the dean. That will end soon if things do not improve drastically.

DW reports that DD2 had a good day with no incidents. Perhaps the sh!thead brigade is starting to get the message.

 

[ls99]

People say fighting doesnt solve anything, but when I was about 10 I kept getting bullied by a big kid. He kept teasing me and flicking my ear (he sat behind me). One day I turned around and hit him square in the face with a book. He never did it again. So to those who say fighting solves nothing. I say, "you are wrong".

Now I wouldn't recommend for you daughter to do that. I don't have daughters so I am of no help to you. Sorry.

+1

In third or fourth grade some kids picked on me. I was s skinny scrawny kid. Outside of school I was confronted, my instant reaction was to throw a punch. Then a few of ringleader's teeth got removed. I was never hassled again.

As the the story was told, some adults pulled me off the kid. I was so enraged, I have no recollection exept what I was told. I do remeber handing my eye glasses to someone beforehand.

When politeness and gentle persuasion fails, retaliation for wrongdoing must be swift, decisive and forceful, without forewarning of what is about to happen, to inflict maximum understanding. None of this: if you do it one more time I am going to.... whatever.

 

[brewer12345]

+1

In third or fourth grade some kids picked on me. I was s skinny scrawny kid. Outside of school I was confronted, my instant reaction was to throw a punch. Then a few of ringleader's teeth got removed. I was never hassled again.

As the the story was told, some adults pulled me off the kid. I was so enraged, I have no recollection exept what I was told. I do remeber handing my eye glasses to someone beforehand.

When politeness and gentle persuasion fails, retaliation for wrongdoing must be swift, decisive and forceful, without forewarning of what is about to happen, to inflict maximum understanding. None of this: if you do it one more time I am going to.... whatever.

30 years ago, that would have worked. Today the kid who beat the bully's ass would get expelled and possibly a criminal charge. The world has changed.

 

[ls99]

30 years ago, that would have worked. Today the kid who beat the bully's ass would get expelled and possibly a criminal charge. The world has changed.

That is the saddest comment on a sorry assed society.

Any option on cyberschooling after whipping the bully's ass?

 

[Brat]

The only approach that hasn't been mentioned is to find a couple student leaders to be her 'best buddies'. Odds are that other students are aware of what is happening. Use kid social pressure.

 

[Free To Canoe]

Reminds me of a time back in the inner city high school. Guy picked on the wrong girl. My two friends were brothers and could fight well. First they fought about who gets to sucker punch him first. Then, I got to watch the blessed event. The memory makes me smile.

Here is hoping that jagoff punk picks on the wrong little girl some day (he will sooner or later).
Brewer, I am hoping this thought brings a smile to you.

 

[brewer12345]

The only approach that hasn't been mentioned is to find a couple student leaders to be her 'best buddies'. Use kid social pressure.

We are working that angle as well. DW also went so far as to start up a second Brownie troop at the school last year after the existing one was out of room and DD2 did not land a spot. The troop still continues and this helps with friends and class dynamics.

 

[dallas27]

Bullys only pick on perceived weakness. Focus on your daughter, not the bully. Let your daughter deal with the bully. Shell be better for it.


Sent from my iPhone using Early Retirement Forum

 

[Free To Canoe]

What was an effective remedy for this sort of thing when I was a child was for the parent to contact the bullying parent and have a talk about what is going on.

 

[AllDone]

I was bullied, my husband was bullied, now we're ER and financially very comfortable. Bullied children are actually more likely to be successful. You don't want to abandon her, but she does need to learn to work out some of her problems herself. There are going to be bully boyfriends, bully coworkers and bully bosses at sometime in her life and elementary school is the training ground for learning how to deal with them.

 

[Senator]

A restraining order is certainly OK. Writing to your city council and mayor might help, or a letter to the school board. Or the County.

 

[pb4uski]

That's an interesting angle I had not thought of. Tell the little jerks parents that if their kids do not cease and desist bullying DD2 that you will be going to court and asking a judge to issue a retraining order against them. That should get their attention.

 

[Brat]

I still think finding a high status kid (or kids) in her class who is willing to be her buddy would be very effective (they may not be Girl Scouts). Bully's are looking for kids they perceive to be emotionally vulnerable. You want to change that perception.

 

[growing_older]

So sorry to hear this is happening to you and DD2. In my (sadly extensive) experience, schools and administrators are much more interested in protecting themselves and the school than they are in eliminating bullying. Some schools have been instituting anti-bullying programs, and if you have one at your school you may find them an ally (but only maybe).

It may be more useful to make sure both school and other parents know you will pursue the issues until there are consequences to them. In my experience all the conferences in the world were only empty talk and empty promises. My DS started irrationally hitting the antagonists whenever they provoked him and regardless of the consequences to himself. It was NOT something I would ever suggest to him and I think he took big risks of school discipline and actual physical harm with assailants probably twice his size, but he must have been so miserable it didn't matter to him anymore. Being well behaved hadn't helped him. Bullies eventually figured it wasn't worth the bother to harass him because he always hit them even if they just verbally harassed him, and they moved on to other targets who didn't hit. DS, who used to love school and excel, hated school ever after, had some problems with administrators and teachers (who never supported him or us in addressing the bullying) and has some lingering issues. I have worked on school task forces with other adults who were victimized by bullies when they were school age, and many of them report years of issues, under-performance, confidence problems and other consequences. To the extent you can end bullying of DD2, I hope you are successful.

 

[daylatedollarshort]

I would talk to the parents if you have not already done so. We had an issue with one of our kids being a bully in preschool - nothing major - just leaving other kids out, but still not nice behavior. We were mortified and took immediate action.

The parents might be very cooperative and glad to be alerted to the misdeeds.

 

[LitGal]

So what are you hoping for? A court order that requires the school to expel the bullies? That is very unlikely for "just" verbal harassment. I guess it won't hurt to try.

In our local school district, there has been an increased focus on students' mental health, due to publicized high-risk behaviors and suicides in the past decade.

Nonetheless, parents here have learned that sometimes the only way to "be heard" re. their student's problems is to bring in a lawyer. The district's in-house counsel is expensive and does seem to keep the district on edge. So, when lawyers walk in, the district often does begin to listen...........no lawsuit necessary.

Yes, it's ridiculous that our society has come to this.

But, because the approach works here, I mentioned it as a possibility.

 

[LitGal]

Call, and set up a meeting face-to-face with the Principal. Do NOT discuss it over the phone, just set up the meeting. You need to BE THERE, don't let anyone want to get into it over the phone instead. The phone is an "insulation" tool.

Be courteous, but firm in the meeting. Do not be a hot-head, or you will be marked as a troublesome parent, and they will try to avoid you and discount you. Do not say anything at the end that would minimize your case.

If you can put a list of bullet-items together, and talk from them, that will be a plus. A knowledgeable, firm, prepared parent who wants resolution to a problem is someone to be paid great attention to.

I am speaking from experience, and now have inside info on how many schools "work"... some poorly!

+1 Excellent advice.

 

[utrecht]

A restraining order that orders an 8 year old to stay away from another 8 year old? Seriously? I doubt that a judge is going to issue that order. In most states kids under 10 are not criminally liable even if they kill someone. I dont see a judge issuing an order of any kind to an 8 year old.

 

[pb4uski]

You may be right, but it would highlight the problem with parents and school officials to an extent that they might actually do something rather than sit on their a**es twiddling their thumbs. The judge might order school officials to do something to get it out of his courtroom.