Any advice to get wife to believe in ER?

[Beer man]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ExtinctBird You mention that you might be able to get by if you quit now, but you need to work until 59.5 to cover expenses. You should do a search and read up on 72T withdrawals from your tax advantaged accounts, if you are not aware of that option. Good luck to you.

I have read about the 72T distributions, and I would be interested if anyone else has taken these. I'm a little concerned about the inflexibility of that plan.

[chris2008]

Another female here: I'd rather be poor and have my husband's mindset ok than all money and toys I could think of and my husband close to collapse.

My husband is a teacher of 55 years and I am a corporate counsel. We are both looking forward to be able to retire or reduce work for the sake of each others health and stress level. We talk about it regularly and once one of us says "I can't take it any more" the other will support him / her whole heartedly so that the decision is done by both of us.

That being said, you + DW might need to learn open communication tools to be able to express each others wants and needs.
If your change of attituide comes to her like a surprise while she believed to be married to a little tycoon it will be quite a surprise for her.
But if she loves you she will learn to understand the downsides of your job and schedule once you establish real open communication.
I guess she wants the father of the twins to be still around in 5-10 years and more.

[DangerMouse]

Another female here to confirm what the other ladies have stated, and that is your wife's position is totally unreasonable.

You need to confront your wife with a plan of action. Not doing so is validating her position in her mind. Personally I think she is being extremely selfish and needs to get with the program.

If she doesn't want to talk about it, you need to come up with something that works for you and present it as what you will be doing rather than something you are seeking her opinion on.

Personally I am constantly working out ways and pleading wiht my husband to reduce his working hours. I can't imagine it being any fun if I get to RE with a big pot of money and no-one to share it with.

[My Dream]

First off, welcome to the forum Beer man. This was my situation and how it worked out.

I was self employed for over 13 years with many 60-70 hr weeks with no breaks or lunches. During that time I believe I burned out twice of which I don't think I ever fully recovered. I couldn't turn down work since the competition was waiting with baited breath to take over. My wife was a stay at home mom, with better education than I had and babysat as well as took care of all my paper work. During the last 4 years I lost my best employee and since I couldn't find a replacement my wife substited, I had no choice. You wouldn't believe the guilt I had having my DW work in the construction industry. As work slowed down a bit she stayed home but the pressure didn't. Many a night I told her that I couldn't do it anymore and that I was going to have a break down. The breakdown was mainly due to the Project Manager since I was bailing him out all the time. I joined this forum late last year and expressed the same concerns that you have. The advise was to see if my wife would work part time while I entertained the thought of ER. Based on our savings and being the bread winner I was very concerned but still decided to have a very serious talk with my DW.

In conclusion, she told me that I was to important to her and the kids and that I deserved to be happy also, also she couldn't and didn't understand how I did it for so long. The kids missed me and that I needed to make up for lost time.
I retired at the end of the last job, she now works part time in a job that she truly enjoys and although I'm still worried about the finances. I believe that in time I will educate myself to be more knowledgable on how to manage my money.
I now khow much my DW and kids truly love me and gave me the chance to be happy again. I finally have my life back.


This was My Dream.

[Beer man]

Quote:

Originally Posted by meridiver How much is this new attitude of yours coming "out of the blue" for your DW? Has she been aware of how you've been affected by these deaths close to you? You mentioned that you have twins. My guess is that between you working such long hours, and her spending all of her time the last few years dealing with childcare, you have not had much time to really talk to each other and you've both created lives that are pretty much separate and only intersect around the children. Having a third party involved tends to force you both to actually discuss the issues as opposed to just skirting around the edges and not really accomplishing anything.

I have been bringing up the topic on occasion for the last 5 years, but more frequently for the last 2. I am still able to spend a good amount of time with the family, but there is definitely not enough couple time and virtually no Daddy time.

[Beer man]

Quote:

Originally Posted by FinanceDude She has gotten used to being able to afford things she wants WITHOUT having to "watch the figures". I don't think that's high maintenance, but it could be..

I think this hits the nail on the head. The problem is by not watching the figures, $$$ just fly away. At the end of the month we have more stuff, but have made no progress towards savings. And because every $ is spent the thought of my cutting back is intimidating...It would require her to change. I am beginning to the the best place to start is with the accountant. She respects his opinion on money more than mine(the voice of the third party)

[haha]

What a low estate the American husband holds. If his wife is reasonable his life can be fine, albeit missing a lot of privilege taken for granted by men all over the world.

If on the other hand his wife is less reasonable, or changes or for any reason decides to no longer acquiesce in his happiness, he is screwed.

Prior to marriage we see our happily married friends but fail to realize that they too are young, with young wives and short duration marriages. We forget to check the background rate of marital happiness, which must after all be pretty low since roughly 50% of marriages go to divorce. It would be hard to assume that all the unhappy campers got divorced, so any guess at marriage happiness long term would have to be less than 50%.

But we men are hopelessly romantic, dependent on women and stupid. So I suppose we get what we deserve. When we finally wake up to the fact that our lives suck we tend to blame ourselves, since after all women are morally superior beings. Eventuall after much pain and disappointment too oftern we get angry, thus justifying DWs attitudes toward us.

If men were rational, we would never marry. Having made that error, we would seek to correct it as quickly and expeditiously as possible.

Ok, any more advice ya'll need on this topic?

Ha

[Martha]

What a low estate the American wife holds. If her husband is reasonable her life can be fine, albeit missing a lot of privilege taken for granted by women all over the world.

If on the other hand her husband is less reasonable, or changes or for any reason decides to no longer acquiesce in her happiness, she is screwed.

Prior to marriage we see our happily married friends but fail to realize that they too are young, with young husbands and short duration marriages. We forget to check the background rate of marital happiness, which must after all be pretty low since roughly 50% of marriages go to divorce. It would be hard to assume that all the unhappy campers got divorced, so any guess at marriage happiness long term would have to be less than 50%.

But we women are hopelessly romantic, dependent on men and stupid. So I suppose we get what we deserve. When we finally wake up to the fact that our lives suck we tend to blame ourselves, since after all men are morally superior beings. Eventually after much pain and disappointment too often we get angry, thus justifying DHs attitudes toward us.

If women were rational, we would never marry. Having made that error, we would seek to correct it as quickly and expeditiously as possible.

Ok, any more advice ya'll need on this topic?

[Texas Proud]

Quote:

Originally Posted by chris2008 My husband is a teacher of 55 years and I am a corporate counsel.... .

One of the many problems with parsing English....

If you read the above correctly, Chris' husband has been working 55 years and if he was 20 when he started to work is now 75 and hoping to retire soon....

OR, she meant to say "My husband, who is 55 year old, is a teacher and I am a corporate counsel"...


I don't know which is true....

[HFWR]

That about sums it up...

[haha]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Martha Ok, any more advice ya'll need on this topic?

LOL Couldn't have said it better myself!

Ha

[My Dream]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Martha If women were rational, we would never marry. Having made that error, we would seek to correct it as quickly and expeditiously as possible.

I ..........I ..............I really don't know what to say Martha. But then I guess I don't have to.

[Moemg]

So that's why I still believe in happily ever after because I never made it to a really long term marriage .Thanks Martha & Ha for clearing that up for me .

[REWahoo]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Martha ...women are hopelessly romantic, dependent on men and stupid.

Who are you and what have you done with Martha?

[Zoocat]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Martha What a low estate the American wife holds. If her husband is reasonable her life can be fine, albeit missing a lot of privilege taken for granted by women all over the world. If on the other hand her husband is less reasonable, or changes or for any reason decides to no longer acquiesce in her happiness, she is screwed. Prior to marriage we see our happily married friends but fail to realize that they too are young, with young husbands and short duration marriages. We forget to check the background rate of marital happiness, which must after all be pretty low since roughly 50% of marriages go to divorce. It would be hard to assume that all the unhappy campers got divorced, so any guess at marriage happiness long term would have to be less than 50%. But we women are hopelessly romantic, dependent on men and stupid. So I suppose we get what we deserve. When we finally wake up to the fact that our lives suck we tend to blame ourselves, since after all men are morally superior beings. Eventually after much pain and disappointment too often we get angry, thus justifying DHs attitudes toward us. If women were rational, we would never marry. Having made that error, we would seek to correct it as quickly and expeditiously as possible. Ok, any more advice ya'll need on this topic?

Thank you, Martha.Frankly, I am astounded by the petty, short sighted viewpoints of married/divorced men who do not appreciate the tradeoffs that women make to stay home with kids and take care of their families. When you divorce your wife, you will still have your career. What will she have? Nothing. Not even the respect of this society.

Certainly, I agree that in a partnership each spouse should respect the desires of the others. And certainly those desires change over time. I think that the wife should probably rethink her own desires and try to accommodate the OP in his desire to ER. But let's not bash her for her desire to keep her "great situation" going. Do we know that it is such a great situation? How many kids, what ages, what tasks she accomplishes during the day? Is she afraid the kids will be short-changed if she goes back to work FT? Maybe she is not so selfish. Maybe she feels that she is making a real contribution to her family. Is that such an unreal idea that you guys have to bash her?

[haha]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Oldbabe Maybe she feels that she is making a real contribution to her family. Is that such an unreal idea that you guys have to bash her?

I want to make clear what might not be clear- I am just BS-ing. I would never talk like this; I am soo totally supportive and metro-sexual in real life. If you met me you might even think I had a womb. This is a board, and today it is cloudy and I am bored.

I am only killing time until evening when I might find something to do.

I hope you were not offended or distressed.


Ha

[Zoocat]

Quote:

Originally Posted by haha I want to make clear what might not be clear- I am just BS-ing. I would never talk like this; I am soo totally supportive and metro-sexual in real life. If you met me you might even think I had a womb. This is a board, and today it is cloudy and I am bored. I am only killing time until evening when I might find something to do. I hope you were not offended or distressed. Ha

Very civil of you to explain your comments. I'm glad you did. I, too, am bored and looking for something interesting to argue about. C'est la vie.

[Cattusbabe]

Quote:

Originally Posted by haha I want to make clear what might not be clear- I am just BS-ing. I would never talk like this; I am soo totally supportive and metro-sexual in real life. If you met me you might even think I had a womb. This is a board, and today it is cloudy and I am bored. I am only killing time until evening when I might find something to do. I hope you were not offended or distressed. Ha

Yeah, OK if you say so.

[Cattusbabe]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Oldbabe Thank you, Martha.Frankly, I am astounded by the petty, short sighted viewpoints of married/divorced men who do not appreciate the tradeoffs that women make to stay home with kids and take care of their families. When you divorce your wife, you will still have your career. What will she have? Nothing. Not even the respect of this society. Certainly, I agree that in a partnership each spouse should respect the desires of the others. And certainly those desires change over time. I think that the wife should probably rethink her own desires and try to accommodate the OP in his desire to ER. But let's not bash her for her desire to keep her "great situation" going. Do we know that it is such a great situation? How many kids, what ages, what tasks she accomplishes during the day? Is she afraid the kids will be short-changed if she goes back to work FT? Maybe she is not so selfish. Maybe she feels that she is making a real contribution to her family. Is that such an unreal idea that you guys have to bash her?

Granted we have only the OP's side of the story but it does seen his wife is dogging him big time. I ain't gonna lie her set up is sweet but if what he says is true then she is wrong. Two five year olds who are out of the house at school most of the day. Come on how hard can her day be?

[chris2008]

TexasProud, please excuse. English is not my native language and I am living in Germany. DH is 55 years old but I know sometimes it feels like 75...