are you easily offended ??

[johanne]

I came across this and asked myself if anyone here would be (even mildly) offended.

It is, after all, satire or an attempt at it.

Your responses, and I assume there will be a few, should be interesing.

It is supposedly from John Cleese but I can not vouch for its authenticity. It doesn't really matter though for it does seem to reflect some of the British views on matters American.



Letter from John Cleese
To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. (You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.) The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.'

Likewise, you will spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know what I mean" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Likewise, guns should also only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are total crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect.

At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline")– roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and the things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.

10. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.

[Dreamer]

I was not offended at all. I thought that it was cute and I smiled quite often!

[bssc]

This was an urban legend started by Alan Baxter. You can see the evolution at Snopes.com. Still amusing for those not easily offended.

[Mwsinron]

"It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America."

He should get his facts straight.












ps Im not offended

[unclemick]

Extremely offended - I am raising a volunteer regiment here in Kansas City to march on London.

heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh

P.S. If nobody volunteers - I mean who wants to go to London after you have see beautiful Kansas City - well then I propose a boycott of Monty Python on the Local PBS. And and my stupid coffee pot is broke this morning - where's the rasberry on the emotes??

[johanne]

well so far I am (pleasantly) surpised ... seems to me there has been a shift in attitude at this forum from a while back when it was obvious that it was a sacriledge to make a comment even mildly critical of the USA as regards politics, gun contriol, law and order issues, the Iraq debacle and the military .. especially when such commentary was made from north of your border.

[REWahoo]

Quote:

Originally Posted by johanne well so far I am (pleasantly) surpised ... seems to me there has been a shift in attitude at this forum from a while back when it was obvious that it was a sacriledge to make a comment even mildly critical of the USA as regards politics, gun contriol, law and order issues, the Iraq debacle and the military .. especially when such commentary was made from north of your border.

I think you can attribute this change to the absence of a couple of your fellow countrymen who didn't appear to understand the difference between constructive criticism and USA bashing/trolling.

[Mwsinron]

Johanne you aren't looking to stir things up are you?

[johanne]

Quote:

Originally Posted by REWahoo! I think you can attribute this change to the absence of a couple of your fellow countrymen who didn't appear to understand the difference between constructive criticism and USA bashing/trolling.

Yes I can see your point. The problem of course is one of perception. Usually trolls are easily spotted because their posts are insulting and vindictive. They are not the least interested in fruitful discussions. However others are far more subtle.

I also think the tide has turned vis-a-vis the Iraq situation which has always been a touchy subject. I watch CNN a lot and I note that criticism within the USA is far more pronounced than as little as a year ago. In that regard I figure US opinion is, if I may say so, catching up to Canada.

[johanne]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mwsinron Johanne you aren't looking to stir things up are you?

Of course I am but in a nice way!

[johanne]

please disregard

[lazygood4nothinbum]

you lost me with driving on the left.

[Nords]

Quote:

Originally Posted by johanne I also think the tide has turned vis-a-vis the Iraq situation which has always been a touchy subject. I watch CNN a lot and I note that criticism within the USA is far more pronounced than as little as a year ago. In that regard I figure US opinion is, if I may say so, catching up to Canada.

Ah, the Canada, Ireland, & Scotland experiments were so successful that the Queen decided to make it a fourth, eh?

I'll bet Australia is reading this proclamation and thinking "Whew, dodged another bullet. 'Ere, mate, 'ave a Foster's."

[dex]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lazygood4nothinbum you lost me with driving on the left.

I wonder how/why Japan dives on the left?

[Non sequitur]

I'm not offended.

[SecondCor521]

Not personally offended, but I didn't find it funny at all, either. Guess I'm either not into insult humor or simply don't get the joke.

2Cor521

[riskadverse]

I was offended that it was attributed to John Cleese. He is far funnier than that.

[OKLibrarian]

Quote:

Originally Posted by dex I wonder how/why Japan dives on the left?

Probably because China drives on the right.

[Nords]

Quote:

Originally Posted by johanne Of course I am but in a nice way!

Johanne, upon further research your account has been banned by user name, e-mail address, and IP address. If you're reading this thread as a guest, here's what your login should show:

Quote:

Your IP address matches a banned user known as 'max' and mike-1. Please contact the site admin before attempting to register or post again. You may also contact "Nords" at Nords_Nords [at] Hotmail.com.

Frankly it's difficult to imagine what it would take to convince the moderators that you're not yet another incarnation of that banned poster, but we're willing to discuss it.

[martyb]

No offense taken, especially since any one of several individual states could kick England's royal arse in the event of any attempted "reconciliation". I'd like to see 'em try!