Asking about ethnicity?

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What a conundrum.....what on earth will I say if someone asks me "Are you white?"

Whites are not exempt from these "inquisitive" people. No one will ask if you're white. They will ask if your last name is Polish, Irish, possibly Jewish, etc. (Archie Bunker comes to mind)

What's funny though is when people run into ethnic Americans abroad they are likely to just exclaim, Oh, you're American!
 
"I can't help but notice your gorgeous skin. [It's such an amazing color/so even-toned, etc.] I'm curious, what's your background... ethnicity? and/or Where are you from?" has worked for me.

It might be "working for you", but have you considered that it might not be working for the person who happens to be the object of your curiosity? That person or their family may have faced verbal and/or physical discrimination due to their skin color and/or ethnicity.

I'm sure your inquiries are made out of genuine curiosity, but is it really important for you to know that?
 
....No, I probably wouldn't ask a white waitress about her background if nothing else stood out. Or a person of any color for that matter. ...
I guess I'm naive. Just another reason I avoid social situations.

It sounds like in your OP the only thing that stood out about the waiter whose background you wondered about was the color if her skin, though. Why not ask everyone where they are from? We all have stories.
 
It might be "working for you", but have you considered that it might not be working for the person who happens to be the object of your curiosity? That person or their family may have faced verbal and/or physical discrimination due to their skin color and/or ethnicity.

I'm sure your inquiries are made out of genuine curiosity, but is it really important for you to know that?

Anyone is free to decline to answer.

My interest is in learning about others (as everyone has a story) and making them feel welcomed.

And please give me some credit in 'reading' a person's micro-expressions and body language if/when I'm having the conversation. I will assess the situation and person before I even broach the subject.

FWIW, I appreciate your sensitivity. While I speak unaccented English, I'm an immigrant with a long hard-to-pronounce 'ethnic' surname (which about 2 people have ever identified correctly). My name alone often evokes comments/snickers. I had 'older' immigrant parents with very strong accents (who also dressed me 'funny':(). I'm from NE Europe, yet I've been mistaken for Italian, Arab, etc. and all that goes with that. I "get" discrimination as I (and my birth family) have often been subject to it.

I've also met many delightful people who were genuine in their interest and curiosity about me and my story.


omni
 
I'm a Connecticut Yankee living in south Texas (25 years now!). When I get asked about my "accent", I just mention my first language was Lithuanian and that ends that round of questions. :D
 
Well, I guess I am a bad person. Recently my husband and I were returning from our son's house (about 3 hours away). Halfway home we stopped at a rest area. Some flowers caught my eye and I was taking a picture so I could look them up when we got home. A man with very poor/halting English asked if I would take his picture in front of the "Welcome to KY" sign, which I did. I asked him where he was from - the Ukraine he says. We had a nice conversation for about 15 minutes. It turned out he was in the US to attend a wedding that had taken place not 2 miles from where I live (keep in mind, we are still > hundred miles away from home). Amazing! And I learned how to say "Good morning" in Ukraine, met his family, etc. Nice encounter and I hope he went home telling folks that people in the US are friendly and interested in meeting others.
 
"I can't help but notice your gorgeous skin. [It's such an amazing color/so even-toned, etc.] I'm curious, what's your background... ethnicity? and/or Where are you from?" has worked for me.

:facepalm:
 
Here in the US, no one would guess that I am not American by birth, and I don't really have any regionally distinct accent, so no one has ever asked me these questions. I have, however, had occasion to be the "exotic one".

Long ago, when I was a young naval officer, I was out to dinner with a lovely young woman in Cartegena, Colombia. At the table next to ours was a family with two little girls who kept pointedly looking at me, hiding behind their chairs, laughing with each other and whispering loudly to their parents. My Spanish was nowhere near good enough to eavesdrop, so I asked my companion if she knew why the little girls were laughing at me. "Because you have blue eyes," she said. I was a little surprised that blue eyes would evoke laughter, but then I looked all around the restaurant and, as far as I could see, I was indeed the only one with blue eyes. I found it amusing and understandable.

Later on during that same trip, my friend Tony and I took a couple days off to go skiing in the Chilean Andes. On the way to the ski area, we stopped for breakfast in a truck stop in the back of beyond. As we were eating our eggs, everyone in the kitchen came out just to look at us. They were very friendly to us, but we were clearly an oddity for them.

People the world over are curious.
 
Here in the US, no one would guess that I am not American by birth, and I don't really have any regionally distinct accent, so no one has ever asked me these questions. I have, however, had occasion to be the "exotic one".

Long ago, when I was a young naval officer, I was out to dinner with a lovely young woman in Cartegena, Colombia. At the table next to ours was a family with two little girls who kept pointedly looking at me, hiding behind their chairs, laughing with each other and whispering loudly to their parents. My Spanish was nowhere near good enough to eavesdrop, so I asked my companion if she knew why the little girls were laughing at me. "Because you have blue eyes," she said. I was a little surprised that blue eyes would evoke laughter, but then I looked all around the restaurant and, as far as I could see, I was indeed the only one with blue eyes. I found it amusing and understandable.

Later on during that same trip, my friend Tony and I took a couple days off to go skiing in the Chilean Andes. On the way to the ski area, we stopped for breakfast in a truck stop in the back of beyond. As we were eating our eggs, everyone in the kitchen came out just to look at us. They were very friendly to us, but we were clearly an oddity for them.

People the world over are curious.

Bingo...we have a WINNAH!

Your story reminded me of traveling to Korea on a business trip in 1987or 88, a female with 2 male co-workers. We were visiting a tire plant many hours away from Seoul and took a train from Seoul. Everywhere we went, the further we got from Seoul, the more I got stared at. I asked the local Korean employee who was accompanying us...and he said it was very likely that the Koreans had never seen a live Caucasian female before.

I also literally got mobbed by a group of school kids when we visited the nearly-completed Olympic stadium in Seoul. Likely for the same reason.

omni
 
It might be "working for you", but have you considered that it might not be working for the person who happens to be the object of your curiosity?


This.


The person concerned may really object to questions like this, but out of politeness, and not wanting to cause a fuss, they happily smile and reply as needed.
 
I will sometimes ask if the person has an unusual last name or an accent. The question is "I am curious about your accent/last name, where is your family from?" I don't think I have ever had an even slightly negative response. I am not asking the person directly about themselves and hence making an implicit assumption that might be wrong.

This completely avoids the embarrassment of asking "Where are you from?" and getting "Well, I was born in Chicago."
 
When we travel internationally, we're asked constantly where we're from. They especially like my wife's Memphis accent. My accent is Middle Tennessee, but we sound like Texans. There are at least a dozen southern accents out there.

Before WWII, the German government sent their spies in training to Mississippi to learn how to speak American English.

I have no problem being asked or asking where someone's from. No secrets from me.
 
Can you guys really not see the difference as a white person being asked where you're from when you're abroad (not speaking the language, weird accent, etc...) versus asking a brown person if they're black or mexican and likely just working in their home town?
 
Some people might not appreciate strangers pointing out that they look or sound unusual to the person asking what really are personal questions but as noted above be more polite and just respond. I pity the person who asks my granddaughters that kind of question if their father is in earshot :LOL:
 
I will say I love the accent and sometimes add that my DIL is from Poland and SIL is from Russia. They usually volunteer where they are from.
 
Hillbilly, in both the best and worst sense of the word, though to Texans I’m still a Yankee...
 
It sounds like in your OP the only thing that stood out about the waiter whose background you wondered about was the color if her skin, though. Why not ask everyone where they are from? We all have stories.

Actually, the thing that stood out to both my wife and I was how quickly she was moving around, table to table, taking orders, bringing out food, cleaning up, all with a smile on her face and no sign of fatigue or slowing down. We were both impressed and told her so. My wife joked that she should wear her Fitbit for her to rack up the extra steps. She laughed and said it wasn't the first time someone asked her to do that.

It was only because we were already having a conversation with her that I noticed her appearance and wondered what her "story" was. As another poster said, she seemed "exotic" to me but was probably born and raised in that little town. I was curious, but I kept my comments to myself for fear of offending her by saying the wrong thing.

And no, I don't go around asking everyone their story, or single out anyone because of the color of their skin. I do notice uniqueness and special qualities, and those come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. If you're 800 pounds, green, and four arms I'll probably want to know where you're from. I'm sure it's an interesting story. :)
 
Can you guys really not see the difference as a white person being asked where you're from when you're abroad (not speaking the language, weird accent, etc...) versus asking a brown person if they're black or mexican and likely just working in their home town?

I think everyone can see the difference. Some like to pretend that they can't.
 
I think everyone can see the difference. Some like to pretend that they can't.

Of course we can see the difference, it's a diverse world. I'm glad we're not all the same shade of grey. It's the differences that make life interesting. Why is it wrong to ask someone about themselves just because they have different skin, are taller, have blue eyes, dress uniquely, or talk with an accent? Doesn't everyone want to be noticed and appreciated?
 
Of course we can see the difference, it's a diverse world. I'm glad we're not all the same shade of grey. It's the differences that make life interesting. Why is it wrong to ask someone about themselves just because they have different skin, are taller, have blue eyes, dress uniquely, or talk with an accent? Doesn't everyone want to be noticed and appreciated?

"Are you black?"
"Are you Mexican?"

You think everyone wants that?
You think that shows appreciation?

:confused:
 
My DGF is of Hispanic heritage and gets asked from time to time where she is from, with sometimes people even guessing where. Additionally, in some situations/restaurants, I am spoken to in Spanish assuming that I am as my skin(tan) is dark enough.

As for myself, I am asked more frequently am I or you must be from the New York region just based on my "accent".

Neither the DGF or I have any issue with these questions/observations and it leads oftentimes to good conversations.
 
Asking a stranger about their looks and background is a no-no. Boyfriend might be sitting at the counter, within earshot. You could soon find out why it is not a good question.
 
"Are you black?"
"Are you Mexican?"

You think everyone wants that?
You think that shows appreciation?

:confused:

I know people who are proud of, and interested in talking about their Mexican or African heritage. You make it sound like it is something to be ashamed of? I don't understand.

Although I'd agree with most here, I just don't see it as socially acceptable to ask a stranger about their ethnic/racial background just based on their looks, and I wouldn't do it. There's really no reason to, I guess. Unless they bring it up somehow, that opens it up.

I do like talking to people from different backgrounds, and I usually will comment on someone's accent, in an open ended way so they can talk about it if they wish, or just drop it. I find accents interesting, I've never had a bad reaction from anyone for it.

Hah, reminds me of one of the charge nurses caring for my FIL. She was a feisty, and very personable and capable person. I was curious about her accent, which I figured was Jamaican, but I realize there are lots of Caribbean nations, and it might be presumptuous and maybe tedious to her if I mentioned Jamaica. So asked more open ended, and asked if her accent was Caribbean. She said in her big voice "That's not an accent, that's a dialect, and I speak the Queen's English! And I am from Jamaica!" Had a laugh at that.

-ERD50
 
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