Asking about ethnicity?

[tmm99]

Just ask. I know some people think it's rude. Some people don't care. I ask. And some of my friends go, "Oh, tmm99" like they're embarrassed. I am curious as to where people are from when they have an accent. But I have an accent myself. I ask other Asians especially, hoping I will meet another Japanese person where I live (Canada) especially in the volleyball scene. I do ask other people too if I am curious. I've never seen anybody looking annoyed, maybe because I have an accent myself? I don't know. Sometimes, I'd say "I'm from Japan. Where are you from?"

People ask me too. People ask me without really knowing me at all, like when I am shopping in a grocery store. Sometimes they come up to me and say "Chinese or Japanese?" "Korean or Chinese?" A bit annoying, but I don't care. Sometimes, when I say I'm Japanese, they may say a word or two in Japanese. They seem satisfied with that.

What used to annoy me was "How did you get a name like that (say, Hansen)?", looking at me (Asian). That's a stupid question IMHO. Some variation in answering that one. "I was married to a Hansen but decided to keep the name after my divorce." I sometimes anwered "I'm adopted."

DH is from the UK living in Canada and he gets a lot of "Are you from Australia?" This happens in different places, like with workers at stores. He is a Geordie. He finds their assumption quite amusing.

From my experience, people are proud of where they're from, and they don't mind telling you where they're from.

This isn't related to this thread directly, but when I first moved to the US/California (high school), kids would ask me where I was from and once they knew I was from Japan, they would ask really silly questions like "Do you guys really live in houses made of paper?" "Are Gozilla shows popular in Japan too?" "Is that true you guys eat whale?" Stuff like that. Older kids asked pretty direct questions about Pearl Harbour, stomic bombs, etc (They must have taken a history class or something.). Kids are neat. They are curious and they don't have to be afraid of asking whatever questions t that came to their mind.

 

[Nemo2]

I'm Japanese

Made me recall a story.....my oldest & best friend of some 52 years was born in a Japanese internment camp in the centre of British Columbia during WWII....he looks Japanese but he's culturally Canadian.

Back in the 1960s, in our single days, I was a tad late getting to a (very crowded) party.....found him cornered by a ('real') Japanese girl who was talking a mile a minute.

He's 'responding' with variations of "Uh Huh", but must've "Uh'd" when he should have "Huh'd" because she stomped off.

I asked him what she'd said.....he replied "Dunno, I don't speak Japanese".

 

[Major Tom]

From my experience, people are proud of where they're from, and they don't mind sharing this particular information.

Of course they don't because in your post, you are talking about asking people based on their accents. Most of the varying opinions in this thread have been based on the question of whether it's OK to ask someone about their origins, based on their appearance (skin color, facial features etc).

In my opinion, it's often fine to ask people about their accents. Brief compliments on clothes, as Amethyst mentioned, are often well-received too ("Hey - cool shirt!" or "Wow, the pattern on your dress is beautiful!") Comments based on physical appearance can sometimes work out though, unless you genuinely know what you're getting into, I think it's best to defer. As others have said, so much depends on the precise context of the conversation, and other subtle nuances that would be hard to fully catalog here.

When it comes to commenting on physical appearance, my general thought would be to think that, if it is the only, or the main thing, about a person that is registering with you, your connection with them is minimal to none.

 

[kgtest]

Was out in a small town near my home that is sometimes "touristy". My curiosity sort of got the best of me as I had seen a bunch of people "different from me" and was just super curious.

So I blurted "Where ya from?" Totally random, total strangers...the mom and dad evil eyed me but their son told me they were from Iran. I thought it was cool we had people all the way from Iran visiting this small town near me.

Did I need to know? Not really.
Did they need to answer... No.
Could I have went about it differently? Maybe.

Sometimes I just toss out a guess, and if I'm wrong, I'm wrong. Does it matter? Probably not but I am curious and outgoing.

I told the Iranians... Right on! Glad you were able to come visit our beautiful city and I hope you enjoy it. I also mentioned as a local it was easily one of top ten cities in the state. They didn't seem to care and scuddled on.

 

[davebarnes]

I just ask.
I cannot be embarrassed.
Cargo shorts are always in style.

 

[pj.mask]

Man, I must have committed the worst sin ever - I saw a dark (brown) skinned girl with blue eyes (physical trait!!) and thought it was really cool looking. I asked her where her heritage came from.

She smiled and said her parents are Venezuelans.

So far this thread seems to be a lot of white people saying it is impolite mostly because they don’t like strangers asking them questions and a bunch of minorities saying there is nothing wrong with it because in many cultures outside the US there is a much more open bond with society.

 

[dg001]

I am an immigrant. I "look like" one, I speak like one. It does not bother me when asked about my background from strangers, but where and how I am asked makes a difference.

It does bother me if they ask my teenager, who was born here. And I think that is the difference - I feel whenever she is asked that she will always be a hyphenated American because of her looks.

I was on vacation in South Carolina where we were served in a restaurant by a gorgeous blonde lady with a beautiful southern accent. I made a comment to that effect - "I love your accent!" - or something stupid like that, and I think she was embarrassed - she said "Oh yes, I am very country"... I definitely felt uncouth for bringing it up. My conclusion - everyone has different ideas of how they want themselves to be seen, and its probably best not to bring it up unless they are really comfortable with you already.

 

[Amethyst]

Your observation is interesting.

I definitely don't like strangers asking me personal questions, but it never occurred to me that this is only because I am Caucasian.

So far this thread seems to be a lot of white people saying it is impolite mostly because they don’t like strangers asking them questions and a bunch of minorities saying there is nothing wrong with it because in many cultures outside the US there is a much more open bond with society.

 

[gerntz]

Although the Swede that you recently spoke with did not seem put-off by your inquiry, it would be a mistake to assume that everyone who sounds and/or looks differently than you will be as accepting.

Inquiring about ethnicity right off the bat is an obnoxious way to ask about something that isn't really relevant to basic introductions. Think of it this way - what that inquiry does is put the other person in a position of needing to explain to you why they look and/or speak the way they do.

The best way to find out is to allow the person to volunteer that information without having it pried from them - even innocently.

When I hear accents I'm not familiar with I'm curious & have asked about those 10's if not 100's of times. I've never gotten a negative reaction. Normally folks happy I took an interest in them. Why be so fearful?

 

[tmm99]

Man, I must have committed the worst sin ever - I saw a dark (brown) skinned girl with blue eyes (physical trait!!) and thought it was really cool looking. I asked her where her heritage came from.

She smiled and said her parents are Venezuelans.

So far this thread seems to be a lot of white people saying it is impolite mostly because they don’t like strangers asking them questions and a bunch of minorities saying there is nothing wrong with it because in many cultures outside the US there is a much more open bond with society.

I have an Indian girlfriend who told me that one day, a black man (a stranger) approached her and asked her where she was from “Because your skin color is just like mine but you don’t look black.” I found it very interesting.

 

[tmm99]

Made me recall a story.....my oldest & best friend of some 52 years was born in a Japanese internment camp in the centre of British Columbia during WWII....he looks Japanese but he's culturally Canadian.

Back in the 1960s, in our single days, I was a tad late getting to a (very crowded) party.....found him cornered by a ('real') Japanese girl who was talking a mile a minute.

He's 'responding' with variations of "Uh Huh", but must've "Uh'd" when he should have "Huh'd" because she stomped off.

I asked him what she'd said.....he replied "Dunno, I don't speak Japanese".

Funny!

 

[friar1610]

I've always had a very good ear for accents. Growing up in NYC I could usually tell which of the five boroughs a person was from after listening to them for a few minutes.

And being well traveled, I can generally identify where a person grew up from their accent, sometimes even which part of a country.

Since I rarely have the opportunity to ask directly, I'll often try to find out someone's origin obliquely, and I get a big kick out of it when I find that I'm right. If I find that I was wrong, that just adds another data point to my internal database of accents. It's a lot of fun.

Another accent freak here. Example: I've got Northern Ireland ("Norn Iron") vs the Repulic nailed. Still working on distinguishing Belfast from Derry. Like you, I get a big kick out of asking, for example, a Brit if he's from Yorkshire and finding he is.

 

[Major Tom]

So far this thread seems to be a lot of white people saying it is impolite mostly because they don’t like strangers asking them questions and a bunch of minorities saying there is nothing wrong with it because in many cultures outside the US there is a much more open bond with society.

I'm white, and my comments in this thread were based on what I have learned from close non-white friends here in the US, telling me about their experiences. I fully accept that their experiences won't be the same as for all non-whites. However, what I learned from them was so different from my experience, and so jarring, that I couldn't ignore it. With both of these friends, I pushed back considerably, not wanting to believe what they were telling me. However, when I finally witnessed just a little of the discrimination they were experiencing, in person, I had to acknowledge that they were telling me the truth.

I didn't think much about any of this until I began making close friendships with non-whites. Incidentally, by close friendships, I don't mean acquaintances or colleagues. I'm talking about people who you invite to your house for social hangouts. In other words, real friends - the kind of relationships in which everything is shared in an unfiltered fashion.

 

[braumeister]

Another accent freak here. Example: I've got Northern Ireland ("Norn Iron") vs the Republic nailed. Still working on distinguishing Belfast from Derry. Like you, I get a big kick out of asking, for example, a Brit if he's from Yorkshire and finding he is.

Yes, great fun. Although I wonder how you manage that one. A strong Yorkshire accent is nearly unintelligible to me.

But when speaking Brazilian Portuguese I can tell exactly where a person is from -- the regional accents are extremely different. And the subtleties of all they myriad North American regional accents are just delightful to figure out.

 

[Major Tom]

Like you, I get a big kick out of asking, for example, a Brit if he's from Yorkshire and finding he is.

I'm British, and am used to being occasionally assumed to be Australian. The accents sound significantly different to me, but I can understand how someone not from the UK or Australia could mix them up. However, there is no excuse for the one time I assumed someone was from Australia, based on their accent, only to have them reply that they were English. Wow. That one was embarrassing. I've lived in the US for over 30 years now but even so........!

 

[mountainsoft]

I thought it was cool we had people all the way from Iran visiting this small town near me.

Did I need to know? Not really.
Did they need to answer... No.
Could I have went about it differently? Maybe.

I had carpet installed at my mom's house just before we sold it. The two guys installing the carpet had music playing while they worked. I didn't recognize the style so I asked about the music and where they were from. Turns out the installers were brothers and they were from Afghanistan. I said that's awesome, nice to meet you, and let them finish what they were doing. I was curious how they ended up in that little town in the middle of nowhere, but didn't want to bother them further. Like you, I thought it was cool to meet someone from a country I'll probably never get the opportunity to visit. They didn't seem offended at all.

 

[fh2000]

I am an immigrant. I "look like" one, I speak like one. It does not bother me when asked about my background from strangers, but where and how I am asked makes a difference.

It does bother me if they ask my teenager, who was born here. And I think that is the difference - I feel whenever she is asked that she will always be a hyphenated American because of her looks.

I was on vacation in South Carolina where we were served in a restaurant by a gorgeous blonde lady with a beautiful southern accent. I made a comment to that effect - "I love your accent!" - or something stupid like that, and I think she was embarrassed - she said "Oh yes, I am very country"... I definitely felt uncouth for bringing it up. My conclusion - everyone has different ideas of how they want themselves to be seen, and its probably best not to bring it up unless they are really comfortable with you already.

DW and I are originally from Asia. Once we shared a table with a group of people from the south on a cruise. We answered where we were from question. When it is time for us to ask, one guy's answer was 'red neck'. They all laughed.

I did not know what that meant until later and to this day not sure what the guy wanted to convey.

We chose to sit on our own table since that instance.

 

[mountainsoft]

one time I assumed someone was from Australia

My wife and I thought our jet ski guide in Puerto Vallarta several years ago was from Australia. Young white guy, had an accent that we "thought" sounded Australian (we obviously have no reference of what that accent would be). When we asked where he was from he laughed and said he was born and raised in Mexico, as were his parents.

 

[candrew]

When I hear accents I'm not familiar with I'm curious & have asked about those 10's if not 100's of times. I've never gotten a negative reaction. Normally folks happy I took an interest in them. Why be so fearful?

It's not fearful, but rather being respectful. That's how I was raised.

 

[tmm99]

Of course they don't because in your post, you are talking about asking people based on their accents. Most of the varying opinions in this thread have been based on the question of whether it's OK to ask someone about their origins, based on their appearance (skin color, facial features etc).

In my opinion, it's often fine to ask people about their accents. Brief compliments on clothes, as Amethyst mentioned, are often well-received too ("Hey - cool shirt!" or "Wow, the pattern on your dress is beautiful!") Comments based on physical appearance can sometimes work out though, unless you genuinely know what you're getting into, I think it's best to defer. As others have said, so much depends on the precise context of the conversation, and other subtle nuances that would be hard to fully catalog here.

When it comes to commenting on physical appearance, my general thought would be to think that, if it is the only, or the main thing, about a person that is registering with you, your connection with them is minimal to none.

My bad. I kind of skimmed through the OP's first post, and I answered based on the accent piece he mentioned.

One time, at work, an Indian contractor came and I was stunned to see his features - He had grey eyes!! With his tanned skin, he looked absolutely stunning, so I can kind of see the OP's fascination with some people's unique physical features. I can imagine myself asking this contractor guy (if I wasn't in a work setting), "you look so exotic, where are you from?"

I understand that you're white, and you emphasize with some of your non-white friends who were mistreated and we all should. At the same time, there are plenty of us folks who enjoy and embrace diversity. I am/look Asian and everyone notices I am, and like I said, strangers have come up to me (without me speaking; hence they don't know I have an accent) and have asked me if I'm Chinese or Korean, or Japanese. (Always a white man asking. Never a woman.) They are just curious. For whatever reason. And I consider that OK. And undoubtedly, some Asian people probably do not enjoy being asked. One Indian friend of mine was born in Canada, but just because of the way she looks, a guy at the party we were at started talking to her about how much he enjoyed his trip to India. Things like that happen all the time IMO. I don't worry about it.

But I understand your point and everyone else's point. It's better to be on the safe side.

 

[calmloki]

DW and I are originally from Asia. Once we shared a table with a group of people from the south on a cruise. We answered where we were from question. When it is time for us to ask, one guy's answer was 'red neck'. They all laughed.

I did not know what that meant until later and to this day not sure what the guy wanted to convey.

We chose to sit on our own table since that instance.

Redneck, when used by a redneck, is kind of a self denigrating but prideful term. I'd guess that there are similar ways that people who feel they are lower class refer to themselves around the world. As the old movie Blazing Saddles has it when referencing some racist townspeople:

 

[ls99]

As an immigrant I have well over 50 years of experience answering questions about my accent. Long ago I developed the habit of telling the questioner: I'll give you three tries to guess it, then I will tell you.

The fun part is listening to the various languages they think it is. I never felt offended by the inquiry. But did choose to make a game of it. In fifty years I think only two or three people guessed correctly.

Often the geography and the language guessed have nothing in common.

A fun aside: While in the Aleutians, I was often asked by Aleuts: Are you the f....ing Norvegian? I would smile and say no, you are off by a few thousand miles. Their concept of Europe was: There be dragons there, or talk of Dracula.
BTW: Never ever call an Aleut an Eskimo.

 

[brewer12345]

In the US these days, especially if you are (like me) a white dude, it is extremely foolhardy to bluntly ask about someone's race, color, accent, origin, choice of gender, etc. This goes treble/quadruple in any kind of professional situation.

Now, if you end up striking up a conversation with someone, they may tell you all about themselves. I have learned about a lot of fascinating cultures that way.

Happily, nobody much cares about who or what I am. Part of that is because I deliberately try to blend in, part of it is that I just pass for average white guy.

 

[pj.mask]

So it does seem I was right, all recent posts by minorities have said ‘if someone comes up to them with genuine curiosity and asked them, it isn’t a big deal’

The recent Caucasian response was 1) it is rude based on western manners to ask anyone a somewhat personal questions and my culture is what matters - if your culture feels differently you are wrong and rude. 2) some minority told me they were discriminated against by a racist and I am applying that interaction to all questions about race/origin/ethnicity


As to the redneck comment as I know and work with many, he was [probably] proud he grew up in a rural (unknown area - but would typically mention state or region) and probably proud that he is doing well enough to afford a cruise. This has nothing to do with you, just how he views himself. While generally a bit rough/uncouth on expressions - I have generally found them to be very open/giving. If you are ever in a dumpy motel in the middle of nowhere and find some people BBQing by their truck - chances are they will offer you a beer and some food if you go chat with them.

Edit: I’ll add the I think the least racist thing you can do is learn about other people’s culture and get to know them. I find lots of hate comes from not knowing and just what you were told by others or the media. I think if we all got to know each other better we would treat/respect other cultures more like our own. And learn that individuals are the variable to like/dislike - not culture/country/skin tone as a group.

 

[Gumby]

So it does seem I was right, all recent posts by minorities have said ‘if someone comes up to them with genuine curiosity and asked them, it isn’t a big deal’

The recent Caucasian response was 1) it is rude based on western manners to ask anyone a somewhat personal questions and my culture is what matters - if your culture feels differently you are wrong and rude. 2) some minority told me they were discriminated against by a racist and I am applying that interaction to all questions about race/origin/ethnicity

If you are using my response to draw your conclusions, I think you are incorrect to do so.

I wouldn't comment on or ask people questions about their physical appearance or manner of speech because that is my personal ethos. It has nothing to do with my "culture" (whatever that may be) and it has nothing to do with my race and ethnicity or the race or ethnicity of the other person. Nor whether they or someone like them may have been discriminated against in the past. I would not ask these questions of obviously white people either. I just wouldn't ask anyone because there is a risk, maybe only a slight one, that the person could be offended and I would rather avoid making them feel bad.

At the same time, I do not mind at all if you were to ask me these questions and will answer them readily. And, importantly, if you feel comfortable asking these questions of other people (for whatever reason - your "culture" or your personal belief), go right ahead. It's your choice, not mine.

In sum, while I am not sensitive to these questions and think that honest curiosity is nothing to be ashamed of, I understand that other people may be much more sensitive than me and try to take that into account when I interact with them.

Let me leave you with this one hypothetical to ponder: You are a man. You see a woman in your office. You don't know her very well at all. She is exactly the same race and ethnicity as you. She appears to be pregnant. Do you ask her when the baby is due?