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Bad News for Indy...
Old 10-19-2006, 11:26 AM   #1
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Bad News for Indy...

Bad news for Indy...

Andy F. Bryan
- - - -

January 22, 1939

Assistant Professor Henry "Indiana" Jones Jr.
Department of Anthropology
Chapman Hall 227B
Marshall College

Dr. Jones:

As chairman of the Committee on Promotion and Tenure, I regret to inform
you that your recent application for tenure has been denied by a vote of
6 to 1. Following past policies and procedures, proceedings from the
committee's deliberations that were pertinent to our decision have been
summarized below according to the assessment criteria.

Demonstrates suitable experience and expertise in chosen field:

The committee concurred that Dr. Jones does seem to possess a nearly
superhuman breadth of linguistic knowledge and an uncanny familiarity
with the history and material culture of the occult. However, his
understanding and practice of archaeology gave the committee the
greatest cause for alarm. Criticisms of Dr. Jones ranged from
"possessing a perceptible methodological deficiency" to "practicing
archaeology with a complete lack of, disregard for, and colossal
ignorance of current methodology, theory, and ethics" to "unabashed
grave-robbing." Given such appraisals, perhaps it isn't surprising to
learn that several Central and South American countries recently
assembled to enact legislation aimed at permanently prohibiting his

Moreover, no one on the committee can identify who or what instilled Dr.
Jones with the belief that an archaeologist's tool kit should consist
solely of a bullwhip and a revolver.

Nationally recognized for an effectual program of scholarship or
research supported by publications of high quality:

Though Dr. Jones conducts "field research" far more often than anyone
else in the department, he has consistently failed to report the results
of his excavations, provide any credible evidence of attending the
archaeological conferences he claims to attend, or produce a single
published article in any peer-reviewed journal. Someone might tell Dr.
Jones that in academia "publish or perish" is the rule. Shockingly,
there is little evidence to date that Dr.Jones has successfully
excavated even one object since he arrived at Marshall College. Marcus
Brody, curator of our natural-history museum, assured me this was not so
and graciously pointed out several pieces in the collection that he
claimed were procured through Dr. Jones's efforts, but, quite frankly,
we have not one shred of documentation that can demonstrate the
provenance or legal ownership of these objects.

Meets professional standards of conduct in research and professional
activities of the discipline:

The committee was particularly generous (and vociferous) in offering
their opinions regarding this criterion. Permit me to list just a few of
the more troubling accounts I was privy to during the committee's
meeting. Far more times that I would care to mention, the name "Indiana
Jones" (the adopted title Dr. Jones insists on being called) has
appeared in governmental reports linking him to the Nazi Party,
black-market antiquities dealers, underground cults, human sacrifice,
Indian child slave labor, and the Chinese mafia. There are a plethora of
international criminal charges against Dr. Jones, which include but are
not limited to: bringing unregistered weapons into and out of the
country; property damage; desecration of national and historical
landmarks; impersonating officials; arson; grand theft (automobiles,
motorcycles, aircraft, and watercraft in just a one week span last
year); excavating without a permit; countless antiquities violations;
public endangerment; voluntary and involuntary manslaughter; and,
allegedly, murder.

Dr. Jones's interpersonal skills and relationships are no better. By Dr.
Jones's own admission, he has repeatedly employed an underage Asian boy as a driver and "personal assistant" during his Far East travels. I will
refrain from making any insinuations as to the nature of this
relationship, but my intuition insists that it is not a healthy one, nor
one to be encouraged. Though the committee may have overstepped the
boundaries of its evaluation, I find it pertinent to note that Dr. Jones
has been romantically linked to countless women of questionable
character, an attribute very unbecoming of a Marshall College professor.

One of these women was identified as a notorious nightclub singer whose
heart he attempted to extract with his hands, and whom he then tried,
and failed, to lower into a lake of magma. Another was a Nazi scholar he
was seen courting just last year who, I'm told, plummeted into a
fathomless abyss at Dr. Jones's hand. And, of course, no one can forget
the slow decline and eventual death of Professor Abner Ravenwood after
Dr. Jones's affair with Abner's underage daughter was made public,
forcing her to emigrate to Nepal to escape the debacle.

Demonstrates successful record in undergraduate and graduate teaching:

In his nine years with the department, Dr. Jones has failed to complete
even one uninterrupted semester of instruction. In fact, he hasn't been
in attendance for more than four consecutive weeks since he was hired.
Departmental records indicate Dr. Jones has taken more sabbaticals, sick
time, personal days, conference allotments, and temporary leaves than
all the other members of the department combined.

The lone student representative on the committee wished to convey that,
besides being an exceptional instructor, a compassionate mentor, and an
unparalleled gentleman, Dr. Jones was extraordinarily receptive to the
female student body during and after the transition to a coeducational
system at the college. However, his timeliness in grading and returning
assignments was a concern.

Establishment of an appropriate record of departmental and campus

Dr. Jones's behavior on campus has led not only to disciplinary action
but also to concerns as to the state of his mental health. In addition
to multiple instances of public drunkenness, Dr. Jones, on three
separate occasions, has attempted to set fire to the herpetology wing of
the biology department. Perhaps most disturbing, however, are the
statements that come directly from Dr. Jones's mouth. Several faculty
members maintain that Dr. Jones informed them on multiple occasions of
having discovered the Ark of the Covenant, magic diamond rocks, and the
Holy Grail! When asked to provide evidence for such claims, he
purportedly replied that he was "kind of immortal" and/or muttered
derogatory statements about the "bureaucratic fools" running the U.S.
government. Given his history with the Nazi Party, I fear where his
loyalty lies.

To summarize, the committee fails to recognize any indication that Dr.
Jones is even remotely proficient when it comes to archaeological
scholarship and practice. His aptitude as an instructor is questionable
at best, his conduct while abroad is positively deplorable, and his
behavior on campus is minimally better. Marshall College has a
reputation to uphold. I need not say more.

My apologies,

Prof. G.L. Stevens

Part-Owner of Texas

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx

In dire need of: faster horses, younger woman, older whiskey, more money.
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Re: Bad News for Indy...
Old 10-19-2006, 11:35 AM   #2
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Re: Bad News for Indy...

Cliff notes version:

Only in the movies!

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Re: Bad News for Indy...
Old 10-20-2006, 11:30 AM   #3
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Re: Bad News for Indy...

Cliff notes version:

Only in the movies!

Part-Owner of Texas

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx

In dire need of: faster horses, younger woman, older whiskey, more money.
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