Comment about treating the kids/heirs equally

[youbet]

Quote:

Originally Posted by DFW_M5 What do you do if both your kids are married, but one has a spouse that you don't like. Would you cut that spouse out if your child pre-deceased the disliked spouse?

Yes, without hesitation. If they had children, the money would go to my grandkids (via trust if necessary) with nothing to the disliked child-in-law.

[Texas Proud]

Quote:

Originally Posted by meierlde Actually I believe in the case of no will the late sons share would go to any descendants he might have. The law in general provides that if an heir had descendants then if the heir died the inheritance goes to the heir's descendants. The percentages involve differ in general if all the inheritors are of the same generator or of different generations. If there is a will then the will should include such language if desired.

I think it matters which state you live... but in Texas you are right... the law states assets do pass to the grandkids of the child died prior to the parent....

However, we were not talking about not having a will, just what would happen if you did not include the correct language in your will...

[youbet]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Souschef I have the same situation. One son has 2 children, the other has none. I divide everything equally for the 2 sons. However, I set up 529s for both my grandsons. Also, I am splitting my RMD every year among my 2 sons and my wife's 2 sons. My late mom always said to give it to them while you are alive so they can thank you.

That's similar to what I'm doing...... I'll pay for the grandkid's college, help them with their first house, etc., while I'm alive. (Well, I hope while I'm alive! 529's already well funded.)

[youbet]

IMHO, care-giving children are frequently under-rewarded for their efforts. A child who ties him/herself down with parent care duties should be well rewarded regardless of how siblings feel about it.

In our case, DW is responsible for her mom. (Mom is penniless so no monetary "reward" possible.) Mom is now in a NH and having run out of money, is on Medicaid. DW visits 5 - 6 times per week except when we're traveling when a local brother does help out. Sometimes when Mom is not doing well, DW is there all day, everyday for days on end. Two out of town siblings call their mom from time to time but have offered no help to offset DW's considerable expenses ($4k - $5k/yr) or time commitments. If Mom did have some money, it would be a bitter pill if the two out of town sibs shared with DW equally. They just don't "get it" as to how invasive my DW's commitment is to our lives, although they ask for written summaries on how their mom is doing and pry to be sure DW is sure Mom has no assets, etc. Sigh.......

Apparently it's tough for those not directly involved to grasp how much the situation can change your life. I can't imagine non-care giving sibs being upset over a care giving sib being compensated in a parent's will or while the parent is still alive, but apparently it happens.

Greed rules......

[aaronc879]

IMO, the inheritance should be equal for all kids. The kids can then decide if they want to share their share with other less financially secure siblings.

[kcowan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alan Instead I simply gave my share of the estate (~£10k) to my 2 sisters and told my brother what I'd done.

When my brother died, I was his sole heir, even though both my kids lived near him and I lived 2500 miles away. Often they went to his place when he needed help.

I just told them both that he had left a substantial amount to each of them. They went on to buy cottages and have a better memory of their uncle.

[RobbieB]

There is wisdom in this.

Would you really want to leave your children with the enduring knowledge of;

"See, they really did love you more, it's right here in black and white"

And not only that, but if it gets probated the entire world can know it too.

[growing_older]

Quote:

Actually I believe in the case of no will the late sons share would go to any descendants he might have. The law in general provides that if an heir had descendants then if the heir died the inheritance goes to the heir's descendants.

This is well worth double checking with a lawyer familiar with your local laws. I am not a lawyer but I know I have been told by one that the way a will in my state and the way beneficiary forms operate are in fact different in this case. For a will, per stirpes is the default and if you leave half to each child, the share of a deceased child goes to his living descendants (if any). On the other hand, leaving 50/50 primary beneficiary designation would by default distribute half to each if alive, but 100% to one if the other predeceases. If you want beneficiary forms to operate per stirpes, like a will in this state, you need special legal language, not just 50% each.

[Dog]

I was executor for my Mom when she passed two years ago. She had a small estate that was split evenly among the five of us. We all felt this was fair even though there there was different levels of support and care for Mom in her last few years. I don't think any of us ever expected there to be an inheritance as my parents didn't hesitate to spend while alive (they sold their home at the height of the market). There was minor squabbling over some sentimental items, but overall we all appreciative that Mom and Dad didn't die broke.
DH and I have one daughter, so no issues there. I joke with her that we are spending her inheritance.

[pb4uski]

Quote:

Originally Posted by DFW_M5 What do you do if both your kids are married, but one has a spouse that you don't like. Would you cut that spouse out if your child pre-deceased the disliked spouse?

Yes, you could leave it in a trust to your child and then when s/he passes to his/her children and bypass the spouse.

[Music Lover]

What may be overlooked in some cases is that the person who is leaving more to one child than the other may have a very good reason for doing so that no one else knows about. Perhaps one child was involved in an unforgivable "indiscretion", or more financial help was given to one child over the years that no one is aware of. The will is their way of evening things up and not necessarily to punish the less favourite.

[MooreBonds]

Quote:

Originally Posted by youbet Apparently it's tough for those not directly involved to grasp how much the situation can change your life. I can't imagine non-care giving sibs being upset over a care giving sib being compensated in a parent's will or while the parent is still alive, but apparently it happens. Greed rules......

The worst part is that it is such a touchy subject and difficult way to phrase it to say to a parent or grandparent "Hey, I'm spending hours and hours every week taking care of you, while the others are out enjoying their lives...how about compensating me for my effort and time?" And it's not much easier to say "Hey, how about making it up to me in your will?" Meanwhile, those that care about a loved one sacrifice their lives, while the grasshoppers play...

[akck]

We'll be leaving everything equally divided among our 4 boys. They've all said we should spend everything, but that's unlikely assuming we don't have a 30 year market downturn.

For my family, my mom left 10% to each son and 40% to each daughter. Her thoughts were that the boys can take care of their families and the girls might need more. My sisters changed it to 20% sons/30% daughters and went from $50 for each grandchild to $1,000. We wouldn't have had a problem with either distribution. Result, we have a good relationship with my family.

DW's story is a different matter. Her father thought she slighted his second wife (DW never considered her a replacement mother), so he left the house and possessions to DW's sister and a lesser value property to DW. Her sister knew about the change but said nothing. We always assumed DW would inherit nothing, assuming that if her father died first, her kids would end up with most of it (stepmom ended up going first). The result is that DW will no longer speak to her sister, not because of the inheritance division, because DW never got the chance to talk it over with her father. I hold her father equally responsible because he made the change and said nothing.

[redduck]

Quote:

Originally Posted by gerntz If I wrote here what I think your parents should do, I'd get banned...

Gosh, I think taking the chance of being banned would be a small price to pay--if what you wrote would benefit the OP.

[karen1972]

I just had this conversation with my parents. I've suggested they divide it equally and trust we will do the right thing. ie I know 3 out of 5 of us siblings have money issues, but giving them tons of money will not fix their issues as they will immediately spend it stupidly...just as they have for the last 40-50 years. The two responsible siblings, we can take that money, invest it, and if need be assist our siblings when things get bad later on in their lives, help their kids out, ensure the grand kids are taken care of etc. We will never leave our siblings suffer, but we also know just giving it all to them will mean in 20 years they are likely to be desperate and then what? At that point I'm not sure I'd be willing to help them if they squandered everything our parents left them and still couldn't make ends meet which is very likely. In addition, my siblings and their children are in my will since I have no kids, so it will still be passed on to them anyway.

[old woman]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Texas Proud That is great as long as he goes through with it.... however, you will never know... As I have stated before, there always is the blond bimbo problem... (you can change it to any description you want, but this was what I was told way back when)... so you die, boyfriend gets your money.... and when he is old and frail a blonde bimbo comes along to show him what he was missing.... and also gets the will changed for everything to go to her.... there is no way to prevent this if you give outright... I do not know enough to know if you can put a contingency on a ROTH, but I highly doubt you can....

I fully expect to outlive him, he is almost 70 and smokes and overweight. I am only leaving him my ROTH of about 300K and leaving my family about a million. He can spend it all if he wants but I don't think the will find a blond bimbo. He has been with me 30 years so known my nephew since the boy was 16 and likes him. He did make the new will and I have a copy so unless he was lucky enough to meet the bimbo our family gets it back if any left.

[audreyh1]

I asked my Dad to disinherit me a decade ago - he complied.

His estate goes to my three siblings. I am far wealthier than my siblings and my Dad, so it made no sense to me that I inherit anything from him.

My siblings will be my heirs too.

[Moemg]

My Mom died this year and she had a will leaving an equal share to her three daughters but she forgot her Sister who was so much a part of her life . We all took a little off our small inheritance and made an inheritance for my Aunt . It was the right thing to do and she loved it .

[growing_older]

Both of my parents had issues with inheritances when their parents died. Assets disappeared, siblings banded into factions, and in some cases they took grudges to their graves. Sadly, even with these immediate examples in our recent family history, my two sisters are waging a war over their future inheritance (or lack thereof). I know there are two wills with different provisions (mom's and dad's) and I know there is a new will (dad's) which was drafted in secret with consultation from one sister only, who is pushing hard for it to replace a previous will (dad's) so that no one but she (and dad) will know the contents. Also as mom's health is failing, the same sister is actively moving assets from mom's name to dad's, presumably so mom's will is mostly superseded by whatever is in the new secret will she is pushing through.

It sounds like a soap opera, but I can tell you with certainty from family history that people do irrational things, even at the risk of alienating close relatives when money is involved, and inheritances seem to bring out the worst of these greedy behaviors. Even when the sums are small, people sometimes do amazingly viscous things to family over money. In this case, the assets are substantial enough that I don't expect the sisters to mend fences. On top of that, it is likely that moving assets is going to break some of the tax planning that went into the original wills. My brother and I are hunkered down and trying to be friendly with both sisters. I don't need the money and while he could really use it, I think he genuinely doesn't care about it, unlike the sisters who seem to think it's some kind of validation of their place in the family whether they need it or not. I hope we will be able to maintain family relationships however this plays out, but I fear the two sisters may be setting themselves up for unhappiness, and maybe an open feud, no matter what happens.

Beyond this, I cannot think of anything I can do to help this developing problem. I certainly don't want to take sides. I tried gently suggesting mom and dad should do whatever they want and even that as I am in reasonable financial shape, leaving me out of any distributions was fine by me. Unfortunately the sisters treat any suggestions as support or opposition to one or the other of them, so no suggestion can meet with mutual approval.

[Walt34]

When my mother passed her will left the estate split evenly between me and my two sisters. I was the administrator. It all went pretty smoothly although it was initially a steep learning curve for me. At the time I was doing fraud investigations so I was used to dealing with large volumes of paperwork in several boxes. In MD the administrator has to send out periodic reports to all heirs on the status of the estate and I once asked my two sisters "Don't you want to see the supporting documentation for all these numbers I'm giving you?" (At the time we all lived within an hour drive so that could be done easily.)

Their answer was "no" because they knew I wouldn't risk alienating them for the rest of our lives over money. Their faith was not misplaced - the estate was divided almost to the penny. My youngest sister got shorted one cent because it wouldn't divide equally by three. The only bone of contention was who got the "angel bear" (a white teddy bear that looked like an angel) that my mother had made. We decided to just pass it around from year to year and that works.

Afterwards they took me and DW out to a steak dinner in appreciation of the work I'd done on the estate.