Contemplating divorce.....

[Tiger8693]

IMHO, are you friends, at all?

Yes, we are friends, even more than friends, we love one another. But I think at 56, there is a lot of life yet to be lived to be just friends. Hopefully that will be the case, it seems much more possible now for the future.

 

[Rianne]

^ HI larious video. Sending to niece.

 

[ivinsfan]

That's a good outcome. In your first post you mentioned the last five years of your marriage have been difficult. You managed to leave out the part about her being caretaker for both her parents and them both dying within that time. So she has a busy job. was taking care of her parents and then burying them. Let me ask you, were you a supportive kind spouse during that time? Not finger pointing here, just asking a question. Sometimes guys are busy or don't know what to say or do to help, so they stay quiet.

My spouse might say I have a few down or unhappy cycles going on. They are usually the result of outside factors. When big stressors hit me, he puts his blinders on and goes his merry way. When they are over, such as parents dying and such, he acts like it never happened and it's time to move on. This behavior has not been good for our marriage. If your spouse actually used the word "burden" a couple things could be going on. First maybe she does feel that her needs and feeling seem like a burden to you. Or maybe something in her doesn't feel comfortable asking for love and support when she is struggling.

You also bring up a good point about vacations particularly with busy couples. Sometimes the vacations are so busy and overscheduled that good honest talks don't happen. All marriages need good communication.

 

[Tiger8693]

Let me ask you, were you a supportive kind spouse during that time?

According to her, very much so. I think she felt that she was "burdening me", although I did not feel that way, and I don't THINK I gave her that impression.

 

[ivinsfan]

According to her, very much so. I think she felt that she was "burdening me", although I did not feel that way, and I don't THINK I gave her that impression.

Good for you.....I've noticed when people go thru somewhat long term stressors, they tend to run on auto-pilot," oh I'm find kind" of behaviors, when in fact on the inside it's a whole different story.

 

[Aerides]

[-]Quick[/-]
To try and shorten, she said she knows I have a lot going on and really doesn't didn't want to burden me, her words, with all of it. For my part, maybe I was trying to solve everything. In any event, she agreed and even brought up going to talk to someone. I think she feels she can do that and not unload things to me and of course not have me trying to "fix" things.

Thank you for sharing, and yes, the details behind the last few years make a huge difference, and would rock even the most solid marriage. You may have received some different advice in the initial thread with this info.

That said, your story is not uncommon. At the risk of generalizing, it is a simple pattern that often appears between husband and wife:

Partner1 has difficult situation which can't be solved, but needs to talk
Partner2 hears difficult situation, feels compelled to offer solutions
P1 shuts down because solutions aren't what they need/want
Pr2 feels frustrated because solutions are their strength, but they are rejected "if you don't want my help then i don't know what to do"
= chasm

No doubt any good therapist will point that out.

Best wishes to you both. This took years to get to this point so it won't be easily fixed. The good news is you both seem to be in the same place now.

 

[Lsbcal]

[-]Quick[/-] update:

Had a vacation that we went on in Feb. Lots of rain in Cali, lots of time to sit and talk. Getting away from the day to day drove us to more "deep" conversations rather than the typical b*tch and moan about work, family, etc conversation traps that we both tend to fall in to. This was one of the longest vacations we have taken in quite some time as we both usually use the "too busy at w*rk, and after 5 days the conversations got a lot deeper, and more serious. You get the gist of it.

We both have had a lot of stressors over the course of our marriage "cycle" I will call it. For her, she has had a long 4-5 years caring for her parents that in the last year or so ended quickly for mom, slowly for Dad. I did what I could (and what she allowed) to help, but it was very difficult for her, and now I think she is very lonely without them.

To try and shorten, she said she knows I have a lot going on and really doesn't didn't want to burden me, her words, with all of it. For my part, maybe I was trying to solve everything. In any event, she agreed and even brought up going to talk to someone. I think she feels she can do that and not unload things to me and of course not have me trying to "fix" things.

I'm encouraged and hopeful, but also a realist. Day by day.

Thanks to all who commented.

I've mostly only read your responses on this thread.

My advice would be to get advice on who to go and see. Getting a good third party to discuss your marriage is a great first step. Getting the right person for the job is critical, I think.

Perhaps some here would have some advice on how to shop for a counselor. I would look for someone who is themselves married and perhaps your age or older. Someone with experience and not just completed some course work.

 

[tmm99]

A huge step in the right direction IMHO. I'm glad you had a heart-to-heart talk. Sometimes it takes a long time for myself to figure out why I'm feeling the way I am, etc, so it's good that she's clear on what's going on with her and could explain it. I think the best thing you can do is for you to be there for her. My DH certainly would, and I would appreciate that.

 

[Chuckanut]

Good luck. I hope all turns out very well for both of you.

 

[samcat]

[-]Quick[/-] update:

Had a vacation that we went on in Feb. Lots of rain in Cali, lots of time to sit and talk. Getting away from the day to day drove us to more "deep" conversations rather than the typical b*tch and moan about work, family, etc conversation traps that we both tend to fall in to. This was one of the longest vacations we have taken in quite some time as we both usually use the "too busy at w*rk, and after 5 days the conversations got a lot deeper, and more serious. You get the gist of it.

We both have had a lot of stressors over the course of our marriage "cycle" I will call it. For her, she has had a long 4-5 years caring for her parents that in the last year or so ended quickly for mom, slowly for Dad. I did what I could (and what she allowed) to help, but it was very difficult for her, and now I think she is very lonely without them.

To try and shorten, she said she knows I have a lot going on and really doesn't didn't want to burden me, her words, with all of it. For my part, maybe I was trying to solve everything. In any event, she agreed and even brought up going to talk to someone. I think she feels she can do that and not unload things to me and of course not have me trying to "fix" things.

I'm encouraged and hopeful, but also a realist. Day by day.

Thanks to all who commented.

This is good. Maybe if she talks to someone on her own, she might be willing to go with you later.

My husband tries to fix my problems when sometimes I just want him to listen.

It's still raining here in "sunny" California. We are so done with the rain. We need some sun for a while.

 

[pacergal]

OP--
Thank you for the update. It is good that you were both able to take the time necessary to have a good conversation. I would encourage you to also start therapy and both of you work together on issues. When DH and I went through a rough patch, we each had our own therapist and then a joint one for "couples work". It didn't take long for us to realize where/how we were bumping up a brick wall with each other. Now married 40 years.

Not discounting your life, but if your DW has been a caretaker to ill and dying parents for 5 years and they both recently passed, along with your mention of significant relationship issues with family in the past, she probably has a bit of work to do in counseling. Hope it helps.
Best wishes to you and I pray you are able to either continue your marriage happily together, or for you to be able to walk away and feel OK with it.

 

[robnplunder]

For her, she has had a long 4-5 years caring for her parents that in the last year or so ended quickly for mom, slowly for Dad. I did what I could (and what she allowed) to help, but it was very difficult for her, and now I think she is very lonely without them.

This is a life changing event and could be the big elephant in the room? Anyway, it looks like there may be a break in your relationship. Good luck and best wishes.

 

[Scuba]

This is good. Maybe if she talks to someone on her own, she might be willing to go with you later.

My husband tries to fix my problems when sometimes I just want him to listen.

It's still raining here in "sunny" California. We are so done with the rain. We need some sun for a while.

I agree! We need a rebate on our “sunshine tax!”