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Old 03-17-2015, 04:33 PM   #61
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We have always made it clear that we would support them through college. At the same time, we clearly explained to them how fortunate they were and that they better not mess it up (unless they want to have a career at McDonalds).

As far as moving out and/or paying expenses this will not be an issue as their graduation corresponds with my retirement at which time I will be selling the house, cars, and all other assets and traveling the world via backpack. They may have to worry about me moving in with them.
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Old 03-17-2015, 04:36 PM   #62
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Dear Daughter:

Sorry for not getting back to you sooner. I know you need some money to cover the bills your roommates stuck you with, and to start that new business. Well, several things have happened since we last spoke.

A few weeks back a young man came to our house and “guaranteed” we’d make a lot of money if we invested with him. We’d never heard of the company he was working for but it seemed reputable, and the ambitious salesman reminded Mom of you.

So, after a couple more meetings, we turned our savings over to him and, since he asked, even allowed him to stay in your old room for what we thought would just be a day or two. It turns out that his parents disowned him because his girlfriend is pregnant and they refuse to get married and go to church.

We were helping them pay for some of the tests and treatments for the unborn baby, but all that will have to stop now that your Mom and I are in therapy and facing our own challenges. Seems that Mom and Uncle Jerry have been in a relationship for several years and now she wants to move to Florida and live with him.

At the same time we’re getting our DNA tested and suggest you do the same. Your Mom says she isn’t sure if you are actually my son. I guess there’s a possibility you might be someone else’s. As you might imagine, all this has been pretty overwhelming and, I hate to admit it, but I have turned to alcohol and pills to help. I’ve tried sobering up but I only feel better after I swallow a couple pills and knock back a few drinks.

Worse yet, I found out today that our new financial guy was not disowned by his parents, and there is no “baby on the way.” But he did use our money to buy a new sports car, which he totaled, and is now going to jail for fraud.

Now that you’re up to date on everything I want to tell you we didn’t really turn our life savings over to a con artist, your Mom never slept with Uncle Jerry, and there’s no need for a DNA test to prove you’re our son. But we’re not sending you any more money, either. We just wanted you to see this decision in the proper perspective and to encourage you to count your blessings instead of your concerns.

Love,

Dad & Mom
Best Way To 'Cut Off' Your Adult Children - Forbes
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Old 03-17-2015, 04:48 PM   #63
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That letter above: it's addressed to "Dear Daughter" but in the body of the letter it addresses a "son". I know the letter talks of "counting your blessings" but having parents whom can't remember the sex of their child from one paragraph to the next can't be such a good thing. Can it?
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Old 03-17-2015, 04:54 PM   #64
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Thank you all. I am getting very good advice here. I actually hope to have a long talk with her tonight.

I will let you know how it all goes!




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Old 03-17-2015, 05:02 PM   #65
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That letter above: it's addressed to "Dear Daughter" but in the body of the letter it addresses a "son". I know the letter talks of "counting your blessings" but having parents whom can't remember the sex of their child from one paragraph to the next can't be such a good thing. Can it?
I noticed that too. The letter in the link was addressed to a Son but Midpack edited it since the OP's issue is with a daughter.
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Old 03-17-2015, 05:03 PM   #66
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As far as moving out and/or paying expenses this will not be an issue as their graduation corresponds with my retirement at which time I will be selling the house, cars, and all other assets and traveling the world via backpack. They may have to worry about me moving in with them.
seems like a perfect plan.
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Old 03-17-2015, 05:05 PM   #67
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I noticed that too. The letter in the link was addressed to a Son but Midpack edited it since the OP's issue is with a daughter.
Well, so much for the confused parents theory.
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Old 03-17-2015, 05:05 PM   #68
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We have always made it clear that we would support them through college. At the same time, we clearly explained to them how fortunate they were and that they better not mess it up (unless they want to have a career at McDonalds).
....
I see your point but I'd downplay the career at McDonalds thing as I understand that there have been many crew members who have worked hard and ended up as franchisees or executives.
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Old 03-17-2015, 05:17 PM   #69
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As the parents of three, DW and I found out that no simple rule works in all situations. Our oldest son flunked out of college, always worked, and failed miserably at paying bills or striking out on his own. Our daughter and youngest son were complete opposites. College graduates, married with kids, and never any need or desire for help.

After repeated disasters, my DW told our oldest to move back home. We have a big house plus another down the road on a lake. There is certainly no shortage of space. He pays rent and is content to stay at home for the foreseeable future. Plus we have a groundskeeper and someone to keep an eye on things while we travel.

There are many situations that present themselves and certainly no simple answers in dealing with them. Next, my Mom who is 85 and lives 500 miles away. No siblings to help out so maybe the big house will come in handy, again.
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Old 03-17-2015, 05:19 PM   #70
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I see your point but I'd downplay the career at McDonalds thing as I understand that there have been many crew members who have worked hard and ended up as franchisees or executives.
It can work out that way. I have a nephew who graduated with master's degrees in music and math, and upon graduation drove to California. His first job was running one of the rides at Disneyland and he loved it. My sister was not pleased.

Fast forward ~20 years and he's still with Disney, but by no means running a ride. I'm a little fuzzy on exactly what it is he does there but apparently it pays very, very well. And he loves his job.

So it can work out.
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Old 03-17-2015, 05:20 PM   #71
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Good luck tonight prose3589. You'll do great.
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Old 03-17-2015, 06:08 PM   #72
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I've loved reading these tactics from various members, but I'm surprised no one used my mother's technique. She made me so unwelcome I would rather live with any other relative when I finished college. When the summer job after college was over I moved out within 5 days to live with my grandmother. It didn't last long - I had a real job offer within a month and had to move away for it. And I never looked back. (Well I would go visit my grandmother often - but not my mother )
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Old 03-17-2015, 06:15 PM   #73
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After reading the thread, I felt the sudden urge to thank and hug my DS who has been financially independent since he graduated from college (and in 4 years). My problem is opposite - I want to help him financially but he does not want to be helped. So, here we (DW & I) are, trying to spend his inheritance as much as we can before we croak.
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Old 03-17-2015, 06:17 PM   #74
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I've loved reading these tactics from various members, but I'm surprised no one used my mother's technique. She made me so unwelcome I would rather live with any other relative when I finished college. When the summer job after college was over I moved out within 5 days to live with my grandmother. It didn't last long - I had a real job offer within a month and had to move away for it. And I never looked back. (Well I would go visit my grandmother often - but not my mother )
Maybe, you were adopted?

I thought moms tend to hang on to their kids more than dads do.
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Old 03-17-2015, 06:30 PM   #75
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I've loved reading these tactics from various members, but I'm surprised no one used my mother's technique. She made me so unwelcome I would rather live with any other relative when I finished college. When the summer job after college was over I moved out within 5 days to live with my grandmother. It didn't last long - I had a real job offer within a month and had to move away for it. And I never looked back. (Well I would go visit my grandmother often - but not my mother )

That was more or less used on me. After my freshman year in college and still feeling my oates running wild like I did at school, my dad informed me if I was going to stay here I had to follow his rules. So I finished out the summer low key never to return to live. I stayed up at college until I graduated and then immediately found a job. No resentment or anger from either side. I knew I didn't want to follow rules so that motivated me to leave the nest....Fraternity life will do that do you, or at least in the 80s it did!


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Old 03-17-2015, 06:32 PM   #76
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Maybe, you were adopted?

I thought moms tend to hang on to their kids more than dads do.
Ha ha, ah nope, definitely not. I have lots of long stories about her behavior, but it was like she had a personality transplant about 6 years ago. Now she is uber nice to me, and it can still freak me out at times. It may have something to do with me being her only close living relative as of a few years ago (I'm an only child).
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Old 03-17-2015, 06:32 PM   #77
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On another note, we experienced three of our (DW's from her previous marriage) children getting divorced in a period of three years while they (really grown adults now) were married over 10 years each. While all the drama and family breakups were going on, DW allowed two of the daughters to move in with us for a period of time while the disasters were underway. All is over now and all parties are in their respective places, but return trips can be in the cards no matter how successful parents are in getting them out of the nest in the first place.
I was one of those. After a five-year marriage ended I moved back in with my mother for 18 months, not exactly where I wanted to be at age 34. She was on a waiting list for a CCRC and the house needed a lot of deferred maintenance done. When a spot at the CCRC opened she would have a 3-month window to sell the house and move and I knew it would be almost impossible to do all that needed to be done in that time period. But with all my tools and such in place there were a lot of the little jobs could be done during my work week and didn't need a special trip hauling stuff so it was more efficient that way too.

So in 18 months I saved the down payment for a house (I had a plan that we discussed beforehand) and I repainted the entire interior that hadn't been painted for 20 years, got the lawn in better shape than it had ever been, did a lot of little stuff like fill in nail holes in walls, some minor electrical work, replace faucet washers, etc. Oh, and fixed a water leak at 7:00 AM Christmas morning.

As planned, I was out and in my own place in 18 months. When her house went on the market it sold in three days.

So there can be happy endings.
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Old 03-17-2015, 06:35 PM   #78
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Old 03-17-2015, 06:38 PM   #79
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....... I want to help him financially but he does not want to be helped. So, here we (DW & I) are, trying to spend his inheritance as much as we can before we croak.
I've PM'ed you with my address and PayPal account number. I'll gladly take checks or direct deposits, Dad .
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Old 03-17-2015, 06:45 PM   #80
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I've loved reading these tactics from various members, but I'm surprised no one used my mother's technique. She made me so unwelcome I would rather live with any other relative when I finished college.
That was my mother's cure for our efforts to malinger when we were young. She made it so miserable that we would rather go to school sick than risk what would happen if we stayed home.

Like REWahoo, my parents made it very clear from an early age that we were expected to leave home once we were out of high school. Basically, the rule was that we could live at home for 3 months after graduation, then we had to get out. Not stay and pay rent, but leave. I joined the Navy 3 weeks after graduation, as did my younger brother. Our younger sister also left home immediately after graduation when she was 18 (and pregnant). None of us ever went back.
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