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Old 03-20-2015, 08:23 AM   #141
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My personal favorite cutting off kids story. When I was a Sophomore in Engineering I had a good friend who like me was on ROTC scholarship, which at that time covered everything. At Xmas break he goes home and discovers that his parents moved and did not tell him where they went. He showed up at my door asking if he could crash as the dorm was closed. He finally wrote a letter to the old address that was forwarded. They had moved and he was not welcome any more. Oh well.
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Old 03-20-2015, 08:41 AM   #142
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Wow. That's not how families should behave
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Old 03-20-2015, 08:49 AM   #143
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Wow. That's not how families should behave
Unfortunately, they often do. Nothing magical about "family"...
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Old 03-20-2015, 09:03 AM   #144
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Prose, thanks for the update. It sounds like your daughter has a good sense of financial responsibility and a desire to be independent, but she's still a little naive about some financial realities. That is absolutely normal, most of us learn by our experiences and make mistakes in our early years that help us become more sophisticated.

I think your plan to have some more ongoing and open conversations about financial topics are good, and will help her learn about some issues she may not have faced before. And as long as she's working and trying to be responsible, I think it's great that you can be there to help her when she needs it. As I mentioned before, my parents always told my siblings and me that we'd have a home with them whenever we needed or wanted one, and that was a very reassuring thing to know, even when we didn't take them up on the offer.
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Old 03-20-2015, 09:33 AM   #145
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My personal favorite cutting off kids story. When I was a Sophomore in Engineering I had a good friend who like me was on ROTC scholarship, which at that time covered everything. At Xmas break he goes home and discovers that his parents moved and did not tell him where they went. He showed up at my door asking if he could crash as the dorm was closed. He finally wrote a letter to the old address that was forwarded. They had moved and he was not welcome any more. Oh well.
Moving without telling your child is ridiculous enough in itself but to do it to a kid on an ROTC scholarship which shows a serious sense of responsibility is practically criminal. He is probably better off without them.
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Old 03-20-2015, 09:48 AM   #146
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Nothing magical about "family"...
I'm not so sure about that. They often think I can do magic, like make money grow on trees or create stuff out of thin air. The only magic I can do is make people disappear at the snap of my fingers - just by using the phrase "who's going to do this..." Houdini would be envious.
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Old 03-20-2015, 09:54 AM   #147
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I'm sorry to say but you have trained her well. Sounds like some tough love should be coming her way.
True. But the tough love could lead her to move in with type of guy her parents warned her about

Not saying this is the case, but I've seen that happen. Ah.. family dynamics
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Old 03-20-2015, 10:01 AM   #148
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Hear, hear! Kids today do not have it "easy," but they don't have it any harder than some did 35-40 years ago; let alone 35-40 years before that (my parents told some hair-raising tales of bad jobs, desperately hung onto, and eating crackers and ketchup off restaurant tables). The "we have it harder these days" is a myth the young ones are all too ready to believe. Well, Iguess, if it makes them feel better....

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I had not heard that from DS or any of his friends when they were growing up. That's news to me.

But it's true that in major urban areas, it has gotten a lot more difficult to get an affordable housing for people with single income, lower paying job, etc.. One of new employee fresh out of college is paying his mom rent otherwise he won't be able to save.
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Old 03-20-2015, 10:11 AM   #149
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Reading people's stories makes me feel happy to have my relationship with my parents, my kids, my siblings and their children. I guess not too many get to host big parties for the holidays, Mother's Day and Father's Day like I do. We have close to 30 sometimes.
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Old 03-20-2015, 10:24 AM   #150
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NW- I will have 30 for Easter. Your point is well taken. I am lucky to have a great family. Even though I am frustrated by some of them at various times. Put that aside. I am blessed.


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Old 03-20-2015, 10:26 AM   #151
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prose - sounds like the conversation with your daughter was a good one. We learn through experience and she is learning fiscal lessons. Keep the dialogue open and help her develop a plan for independence.

My parents were my safety net - but they had restrictions/rules/chores that made living at home not my first choice. In fact, I moved out 2 weeks after my 18th birthday because I didn't want to live under their restrictions/rules. I moved home briefly while in college due to a bad rental share situation (roommate moved her boyfriend and her brother into a small apartment and yet I was still paying 1/2 the rent.) - and moved back out again 3 months later (as soon as I'd saved enough for the security deposit on a shared apartment.). It was good to know they were there if I truly needed them.

I'm planning on taking the same approach with my kids. My 14 year old already mows 2 neighbors lawns - which nets him about $100/month. (We let him use our push reel mower and our weed-wacker - but he has to buy the filiment string for the wacker - so his expenses are low.) We also require chores (some are paid, some aren't) around our house.... If I have to weed I sure as heck better see my kids out there weeding with me - NO ONE likes to weed - but it has to be done.

We've already told them that we're not buying a car for them - but we'll match $1 for $1 on a car purchase... and they can pay their share of insurance. If they don't like it we'll continue to buy their bus pass while they're under 18. We live in a suburban neighborhood - the closest bus stop is more than a mile away... builds character. I've seen too many kids not appreciate cars given to them and end up totalling them. I've seen few kids not take care of a car they worked hard to purchase themselves.

As to Haha's statement that it's important that kids "like" their parents - I strongly disagree.... My job is to guide my kids to be productive adults. This means there will be plenty of times they do not like me... I'm fine with that. Deep down they know I love them - but I refuse to be a soft parent just so they'll "like" me.
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Old 03-20-2015, 10:35 AM   #152
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NW- I will have 30 for Easter. Your point is well taken. I am lucky to have a great family. Even though I am frustrated by some of them at various times. Put that aside. I am blessed.
Same as you, I do not always have the perfect harmony. Not with my parents, nor spouse, let alone my kids. But we tried to work it out.
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Old 03-20-2015, 10:44 AM   #153
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Starting out in life has never been especially easy, unless you have a leg up (usually via your family). There may be a few years here and there (like in the 1990's) when everyone seems to be scrambling for new graduates. But there's good reason why this little ditty was popular c. late 70's (when I was launching):

"My daughter has her Master's,
My son, his Ph.D.;
But Daddy is the only one
Who has a J.O.B."

This spoke specifically to the problems that college graduates were having finding jobs; much to their (and their parents') surprise and chagrin. I was a secretary; my boy friend delivered for UPS and sold insurance; our friends were taking anything they could find, unless they had a family business to go into. I seem to recall that everyone complained about how unfair it all was, considering we'd worked so hard in college, but it's just the way things are most of the time.

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I had not heard that from DS or any of his friends when they were growing up. That's news to me.

But it's true that in major urban areas, it has gotten a lot more difficult to get an affordable housing for people with single income, lower paying job, etc.. One of new employee fresh out of college is paying his mom rent otherwise he won't be able to save.
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Old 03-20-2015, 10:59 AM   #154
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Every time I see 'Cutting off adult children' I wonder where's the 'cutting off adult parents' thread? Or in my case, adult in-laws.
Actually, this has been something that's been on my mind lately. My Dad is 68 years old, and lives with Granddad, who recently turned 100. Dad has been a bit of a slacker most of his life, and I'm really not sure at all of his financial condition. I'm not really that close to him. So, when Granddad dies, I have no idea what will happen to my Dad. He has two brothers, so any estate will get split 3 ways. All I know is, there's no way in hell I'm letting him move in with me!

I also have a 62 year old uncle, Mom's brother, who lives at my Grandmom's house. He's also been a bit of a slacker, and was coddled by Grandmom and Granddad a bit too much. Well, Grandmom is in a rehabilitation center, 91 years old, and failing fast. Her life expectancy at this point is being measured in days.

At least with my uncle, I know his financial condition for the most part. In fact, he's trusted me with handling his rollover IRA and 401k. And, when Grandmom passes on, I know roughly how much he will be getting. Still, I want him to live on his own. I'd actually be willing to help PAY for him to live on his own, because I know if he was under the same roof as me, he'd drive me crazy!

I have plans of moving to a larger house in the next 5 years or so, but I'm starting to think it might not be a bad idea to just stay where I am. At least in my current house, it's not big enough to have anyone else move in.
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Old 03-20-2015, 11:06 AM   #155
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...
I have plans of moving to a larger house in the next 5 years or so, but I'm starting to think it might not be a bad idea to just stay where I am. At least in my current house, it's not big enough to have anyone else move in.
Even if you are in an RV, when people are desperate, they will move in with you. Need something smaller, like a van down by the river, or by the bay.
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Old 03-20-2015, 11:22 AM   #156
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I lived with my parents until I was 29. I never payed rent. I did pay my way for everything else though. I never borrowed money from them. I moved out at 29 and never looked back. That was 16 years ago. I stayed at home too long , but that was long ago and I am on my own and have been for a long time. I have no right to pass judgement on anyone, I can only say what my situation was.
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Old 03-20-2015, 11:25 AM   #157
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I lived with my parents until I was 29.
Is that who gave you your user name?
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Old 03-20-2015, 11:26 AM   #158
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It sounds like improved communication will go a long way towards resolving the OP's situation. DD probably was too proud to bring up her financial challenges at home.
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Old 03-20-2015, 11:30 AM   #159
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Is that who gave you your user name?
No, but I deserved that. But I have moved on long ago. When the cord was cut, it was cut for good.
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Old 03-20-2015, 11:39 AM   #160
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It sounds like improved communication will go a long way towards resolving the OP's situation. DD probably was too proud to bring up her financial challenges at home.
It sure helps, and as REWahoo pointed out early in this thread, it's more effective when it begins very early.
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I hear all these stories and am thankful DW and I started to set expectations for our two children early in their lives.
Early communication makes a difference in so many things - college, weddings, cars, and now this.

It'll also make a difference when the roles are reversed and it's time for the children to step up and help their parents.
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