Cutting off adult children

[PhrugalPhan]

Maybe, you were adopted?

I thought moms tend to hang on to their kids more than dads do.

Ha ha, ah nope, definitely not. I have lots of long stories about her behavior, but it was like she had a personality transplant about 6 years ago. Now she is uber nice to me, and it can still freak me out at times. It may have something to do with me being her only close living relative as of a few years ago (I'm an only child).

 

[Walt34]

On another note, we experienced three of our (DW's from her previous marriage) children getting divorced in a period of three years while they (really grown adults now) were married over 10 years each. While all the drama and family breakups were going on, DW allowed two of the daughters to move in with us for a period of time while the disasters were underway. All is over now and all parties are in their respective places, but return trips can be in the cards no matter how successful parents are in getting them out of the nest in the first place.

I was one of those. After a five-year marriage ended I moved back in with my mother for 18 months, not exactly where I wanted to be at age 34. She was on a waiting list for a CCRC and the house needed a lot of deferred maintenance done. When a spot at the CCRC opened she would have a 3-month window to sell the house and move and I knew it would be almost impossible to do all that needed to be done in that time period. But with all my tools and such in place there were a lot of the little jobs could be done during my work week and didn't need a special trip hauling stuff so it was more efficient that way too.

So in 18 months I saved the down payment for a house (I had a plan that we discussed beforehand) and I repainted the entire interior that hadn't been painted for 20 years, got the lawn in better shape than it had ever been, did a lot of little stuff like fill in nail holes in walls, some minor electrical work, replace faucet washers, etc. Oh, and fixed a water leak at 7:00 AM Christmas morning.

As planned, I was out and in my own place in 18 months. When her house went on the market it sold in three days.

So there can be happy endings.

 

[imoldernu]

In retrospect, I believe we build our lives... they don't just happen.

 

[travelover]

....... I want to help him financially but he does not want to be helped. So, here we (DW & I) are, trying to spend his inheritance as much as we can before we croak.

I've PM'ed you with my address and PayPal account number. I'll gladly take checks or direct deposits, Dad .

 

[Gumby]

I've loved reading these tactics from various members, but I'm surprised no one used my mother's technique. She made me so unwelcome I would rather live with any other relative when I finished college.

That was my mother's cure for our efforts to malinger when we were young. She made it so miserable that we would rather go to school sick than risk what would happen if we stayed home.

Like REWahoo, my parents made it very clear from an early age that we were expected to leave home once we were out of high school. Basically, the rule was that we could live at home for 3 months after graduation, then we had to get out. Not stay and pay rent, but leave. I joined the Navy 3 weeks after graduation, as did my younger brother. Our younger sister also left home immediately after graduation when she was 18 (and pregnant). None of us ever went back.

 

[robnplunder]

That was more or less used on me. After my freshman year in college and still feeling my oates running wild like I did at school, my dad informed me if I was going to stay here I had to follow his rules. So I finished out the summer low key never to return to live. I stayed up at college until I graduated and then immediately found a job. No resentment or anger from either side. I knew I didn't want to follow rules so that motivated me to leave the nest....Fraternity life will do that do you, or at least in the 80s it did!


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My dad didn't have to inform me. He was so [ fill in the blank ] that I could not leave home fast enough after high school. One of the best decision I made.

 

[daylatedollarshort]

We have friends that had young adult kid commit suicide. I've been struggling on how to write the sympathy note this week. That is another way to put things into perspective.

I don't get the whole mean spirited letter concept of getting kids off the payroll. It seems passive aggressive. How would you like to do that and then have something awful happen to your kid and you'd have to live with yourself the rest of your life after having done that.

 

[ivinsfan]

We have friends that had young adult kid commit suicide. I've been struggling on how to write the sympathy note this week. That is another way to put things into perspective.

I don't get the whole mean spirited letter concept of getting kids off the payroll. It seems passive aggressive. How would you like to do that and then have something awful happen to your kid and you'd have to live with yourself the rest of your life after having done that.

Well, I guess it depends how you define the word "kid" and payroll. The OP simply asked for advice on getting his adult employed daughter to pay some bills. The letter was tongue in cheek of course. In fact, every parent has guilt about something...but keeping your kids close and doing everything for them does not prevent a bad outcome or promise a good outcome.

 

[Katsmeow]

Quote:
Originally Posted by PhrugalPhan
I've loved reading these tactics from various members, but I'm surprised no one used my mother's technique. She made me so unwelcome I would rather live with any other relative when I finished college. When the summer job after college was over I moved out within 5 days to live with my grandmother. It didn't last long - I had a real job offer within a month and had to move away for it. And I never looked back. (Well I would go visit my grandmother often - but not my mother )

Maybe, you were adopted?

I thought moms tend to hang on to their kids more than dads do.

I know you were trying to be funny (at least I think so), but -- in case there was any doubt -- most adoptive parents actually do love and care for their children. (Speaking here as an adoptee who was loved by my adoptive parents and as a parent who loves her children, both those that are adopted and biological)

 

[target2019]

Thank you all. I am getting very good advice here. I actually hope to have a long talk with her tonight.

I will let you know how it all goes!

should be an interesting discussion. Each child is unique. We found that son and daughter have much in common, but their life experiences were very different. They are both doing well. #1 has been independent for quite a while, and #2 is contributing while at home. We are encouraging her to save so that she can buy something rather than rent.

Words are powerful, but our own actions had a larger effect, I feel.

 

[EastWest Gal]

One of our best friends lived at home for five years and paid nominal rent, so he could save up for a down payment on a condo. This was in Silicon Valley 35 years ago. He moved 2 miles away from his parents home--he worked locally. About 10 years later his father then his mother passed away. He moved back into his childhood home, sold his condo and used the money to pay his four siblings an equitable amount for inheritance purposes. Everyone was happy. So now he owns a 3 bedroom house in Silicon Valley free and clear, which he has gradually upgraded. He still works for the same company and will have a pension when he retires.

I also know a 35 year old professional who also has chosen to stay with her parents. She teaches a fitness class two days per week. She also helps with the family business in her spare time and is definitely LBYM. She was a colleague in the practice I was in. Much of our conversations over the last few years have been about investing.

There are sometimes advantages to kids never quite leaving home, for both parents and kids, if they do their part.


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[unno2002]

[FONT=&quot]Once our daughter got a job, I set up a schedule (based on her income & expected pay increases) to transition her into paying her own way. Steps such as:[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I still owned the car she drove, and covered the insurance, but she had to pay gas & maintenance, and her part of the insurance, or I told her the car would set, if I had to cover it I wanted the key back. She’s still on our health insurance, but I told her to stay there she needed to reimburse for her “share”. She’s about to move out, and I presented her with a purchase agreement for the car, I’m going to sign the title to her, with a lien. She can then get her own insurance. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The money we’ve gotten from her I’ve just stashed in a separate account, so there’s a “slush fund” if she ends up needing it down the road.[/FONT]

 

[NW-Bound]

There are sometimes advantages to kids never quite leaving home, for both parents and kids, if they do their part.

+1

With housing cost so high now, in fact out-of-sight in parts of the country, it often works out well for both parents and kid to share a home, particularly when the kid is still single.

 

[Dash man]

Whatever happened to getting roommates? When I was in college I was cut off from my parents at age 19. I found several roommates, three part time jobs and took a full load of classes at a state school. Once I graduated I still had roommates until I didn't need them anymore. Moving back in with my parents was never an option, yet these days it is so common.

 

[Walt34]

Whatever happened to getting roommates? When I was in college I was cut off from my parents at age 19. I found several roommates, three part time jobs and took a full load of classes at a state school. Once I graduated I still had roommates until I didn't need them anymore. Moving back in with my parents was never an option, yet these days it is so common.

So much depends on the personalities involved. Not every kid who moves back home is a sponging layabout. I've seen several instances where it worked out very well, especially when the parent(s) had physical issues that made keeping up a house difficult to impossible.

When I moved back for 18 months my mother did like having a live-in handyman around, and since I worked shifts much of the time I was either asleep or at work when she was home so I wasn't underfoot all the time. While I didn't pay rent (the house was paid for) I did pay all the utilities and my groceries. But the bulk of my income at the time went straight to the credit union savings account for the house I was going to buy and that was fine with her.

Sure, I could have rented an apartment and got roommates (in fact that was Plan B) but it would have taken much longer to save the down payment and there was still the issue of the deferred maintenance on my mother's place that had to be done.

 

[athena53]

+1 it continually amazes me given the same parents, same home environment, same parenting, etc. how drastically different our children are. How the heck does that happen?

This. I'm the oldest and was VERY happy to get a job in the town where I went to college (5-hour drive from parents). My parents were mean and wouldn't let me have sleepovers with my boyfriends. My little apartment was my castle. I paid the bills, I made the rules.

My brother is a year younger. He got a job that was an hour away from my parents and continued to live with them even though the commute really wore him out. (This was Ohio in the 1970s; I know that these days on the coasts an hour-long commute is considered short.) Finally, when my parents moved to Buffalo for dad's job, my brother had to get a place of his own. He took everything from the house (food, toilet paper, etc.) that wasn't nailed down. Most of the time he had steak for dinner because about all he knew how to do was broil a steak. Fortunately, he married a good woman who took care of things like that.

And yes, you better nip dependency in the bud or it will go on forever. My widowed grandfather married a woman in her 70s who sent her daughter $300/month. That's just how it was. One of the first things the daughter said when told her mother died was, "what about my $300/month"?

Whatever happened to getting roommates?

DDIL did this. She grew up in a small town, got a 2-year business school degree, and then got a job in the Big City 3 hours away. She lived with roommates. I found that to be a really healthy sign that she had real world experience. DS also did this; he bought a house and rented rooms to 2 guys in his church although he made it clear he didn't need their rent to pay the mortgage. Good thing- he evicted them when he and DDIL married.

 

[Greencheese]

Some people here really make it seem like their kids are nothing but a burden. Times are tougher today than in the past, and kids don't overnight decide to stay at home forever.

My parents made it clear that if I wanted to stay home after college I needed to either be working full time or searching for a career. Thankfully they helped steer me towards a lucrative major and I had a job lined up in the city 2 hours away months before graduation. The entire year leading up to my graduation my parents gave me things I'd need in adulthood (the Christmas vacuum didn't seem great at the time but now I love it!) to help reinforce that adulthood was coming. I now pay for everything of my own but it certainly wouldn't have been as easy of an transition if my parents were rushing to get me out of the house as soon as possible whether I was prepared or not.

 

[Dash man]

Some people here really make it seem like their kids are nothing but a burden. Times are tougher today than in the past

I disagree. I went to college during the Carter years and graduated into a recession with high inflation and few jobs. I didn't have a computer and Internet to help me with my job search and every long distance call cost money. I survived eating a lot of pasta and cheap foods and drove a 1969 car with body damage from a hit and run. I shared a small apartment with three other guys. There was no health insurance once I left school until I did finally find a job. I was laid off after a year, found another job only to be laid off four months later. I eventually joined the Air Force since other options weren't looking good. How are kids today having it tougher?

 

[Texas Proud]

Some people here really make it seem like their kids are nothing but a burden. Times are tougher today than in the past, and kids don't overnight decide to stay at home forever.

It is not like all kids are a burden... some just need a bit of extra 'handling' to get started.... but do not think that there are some out there that would stay at home and do nothing forever...

I have a nephew who was one... he was very smart, but did not care to do any kind of work at all... his mom kicked him out of the house and another sister let him stay.... he was just fine living there eating their food and playing his guitar... he went to college for a semester and got on drugs... sent to a state institution for a couple of years (and did not care)... came out, went into the Navy... met some pregnant woman while on leave in Australia (not his kid)... got kicked out of the Navy, brought the woman over here and then sponged off his parents... parents kicked him out... sponged off another relative, they kicked him out.... sponged off some other relatives.... I think it was three years and he never got a job... finally moved back to Australia and got on the dole over there.... with the Hari Krishnas... on second wife and has 3 kids.... never really has done anything with his life, but from what I hear he is enjoying his life....

I do not talk to him at all.... the last conversation was something like this "Uncle, you must have a lot of money, why not send me some?".... Me "not a chance, have a great life"....


Now, almost all my other nephews and nieces have launched and are doing quite well... some had come back to their home for a few months when things in life changed, but all took the time to look for something and go for it... I had no problem helping out any of these if needed....

 

[aja8888]

It is not like all kids are a burden... some just need a bit of extra 'handling' to get started.... but do not think that there are some out there that would stay at home and do nothing forever...

I have a nephew who was one... he was very smart, but did not care to do any kind of work at all... his mom kicked him out of the house and another sister let him stay.... he was just fine living there eating their food and playing his guitar... he went to college for a semester and got on drugs... sent to a state institution for a couple of years (and did not care)... came out, went into the Navy... met some pregnant woman while on leave in Australia (not his kid)... got kicked out of the Navy, brought the woman over here and then sponged off his parents... parents kicked him out... sponged off another relative, they kicked him out.... sponged off some other relatives.... I think it was three years and he never got a job... finally moved back to Australia and got on the dole over there.... with the Hari Krishnas... on second wife and has 3 kids.... never really has done anything with his life, but from what I hear he is enjoying his life....

I do not talk to him at all.... the last conversation was something like this "Uncle, you must have a lot of money, why not send me some?".... Me "not a chance, have a great life"....


Now, almost all my other nephews and nieces have launched and are doing quite well... some had come back to their home for a few months when things in life changed, but all took the time to look for something and go for it... I had no problem helping out any of these if needed....

Wow, that sounds like one of my nephews, except it was the Philippines where he still is (I think).

 

[Amethyst]

Hear, hear! Kids today do not have it "easy," but they don't have it any harder than some did 35-40 years ago; let alone 35-40 years before that (my parents told some hair-raising tales of bad jobs, desperately hung onto, and eating crackers and ketchup off restaurant tables). The "we have it harder these days" is a myth the young ones are all too ready to believe. Well, Iguess, if it makes them feel better....

Amethyst

I disagree. I went to college during the Carter years and graduated into a recession with high inflation and few jobs. I didn't have a computer and Internet to help me with my job search and every long distance call cost money. I survived eating a lot of pasta and cheap foods and drove a 1969 car with body damage from a hit and run. I shared a small apartment with three other guys. There was no health insurance once I left school until I did finally find a job. I was laid off after a year, found another job only to be laid off four months later. I eventually joined the Air Force since other options weren't looking good. How are kids today having it tougher?

 

[daylatedollarshort]

I think positive parental support is important for kids to transition to living on their own. If it was easy to do, so many foster kids who age out of care would not end up on the streets.

Report: Foster Kids Face Tough Times After Age 18 : NPR

"It's hard turning 18 — moving out, finding a job, going to college. But many foster children have to do it by themselves, without the lifeline to parents and home that helps many teens ease into independence.

A major report out Wednesday says that many former foster kids have a tough time out on their own. When they age out of the system, they're more likely than their peers to end up in jail, homeless or pregnant. They're also less likely to have a job or go to college.

Life can be a struggle for these young people, even with help from the government and nonprofit agencies."

 

[braumeister]

eating crackers and ketchup off restaurant tables

We have not just four, but enough Yorkshiremen here to fill a small stadium, I think, so I won't try to top that.

Still, I can just barely remember times when my family's food for the week consisted solely of onion sandwiches and tap water. That was NYC, so hardly a poverty pocket, but times were indeed hard back then.

 

[jon-nyc]

Every time I see 'Cutting off adult children' I wonder where's the 'cutting off adult parents' thread? Or in my case, adult in-laws.

At least kids have earning potential. Those of us with elderly financial dependents aren't so lucky.


Seriously, though, I don't mean to make light of the issue. My son's only 5 so I have a long way to go before this could be a potential issue.

 

[ProspectiveBum]

I hear all these stories and am thankful DW and I started to set expectations for our two children early in their lives. They were told (repeatedly) from middle school on that barring a medical emergency they would be on their own three months after graduating from college (or dropping out). Should they wish to continue living at home after that they would be expected to pay both rent and for their share of the grocery bill. And they knew we meant it.



Worked like a charm.

My kids aren't in middle school yet, but we've started having these conversations with them, too. Luckily (?), DW and I each have a freeloading 40-something sibling that we can point to as examples of what we don't want to happen to them.