Dad is acting a bit out of character

[Grizz]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Orchidflower You're a bigger risk taker than I am--and I voted 100% stock in that latest poll--because too many see their inheritance go down the tubes when some vulture comes in at the last years. Anyway, he's the children's father, and they should be talking to him and visiting him in the later years shouldn't they? I can tell you, however, that I hotfooted it up to my mother having no idea that so many vultures were trying to get "in" with her: her attorney was "visiting" 2X a week (his partner did this with some old lady and she gave him everything); her neighbor man--and ex-Cop of all things--was trying to have sex with her in a clear attempt to get in when my mother was 86 and looking every year of it; her housekeeper was going overboard; but the best one of all is my own cousin tried to get my mother to give her all her diamonds, which was certainly not appreciated by me one bit (I've never spoken to her since). There are people out there just waiting to take advantage of the old, which is why I stepped in and stayed with her. It really was truly sickening to see all this when I got up there.

His sister was the vulture when his own mom was in her final years. There were lots of "loans" that went totally unpaid, and then a house renovator duped her. He's still quite bitter about that and I really doubt that anyone could sneak much past him as far as outright fraud, but when he thinks that he is in love, I'm not sure that anyone can talk sense to him.

[Grizz]

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Originally Posted by Moemg I am sure your Dad is lonely but with all the women out there why pick one this disabled ? Unless he feels he does not deserve better or needs to be needed . I know plenty of woman in good to great financial shape who would love companionship . He needs to look around a little more before he settles down . I do not know how Arizona is but in Florida there would be a line up of available women at his door with casseroles and since he still drives he'd be considered a stud muffin .

He isn't what you'd call a smooth operator when it comes to table manners, bodily functions at appropriate moments, grooming, or dress code. Inside, he's a fantastic guy, but I don't think he'd do well on a first date. He can't/won't change either. You can only tell a guy that is 70+ to stop talking with his mouth full so many times before you realize that you are wasting your breath.

[sheehs1]

Orchidflower...hope I didn't give you the wrong impression. My siblings and I were very involved on a daily basis with both my mom and my dad. Three of us lived within 10 minutes of them. There was also a family business involved...so everyone was and is entwined...so to speak. Hence things couldn't get far out of hand. My mother hired someone to be with with her and once I found out this person was writing her own checks out of my moms check book..(which didn't take long)....the Power of Attorney kicked in. I was it. I got rid of her. Still...it didn't prevent the vultures from coming out of the woodwork when my Mom passed and it didn't stop them from trying to sidle up to my Dad knowing what he was worth. All I know is that if they did damage...some we will never know about it. I know he gave one person bonds for her child to attend college. This person cashed the bonds in and spent the money on herself. I know he bought and titled a truck to another. He gave philanthropically...because every institution either my mom or he was involved with came knocking on their door. It was sickening...to watch...all the institutions that wanted money come begging....knowing they were on deaths door. Some even came to me after she died...wanting a donation from her trust. They didn't get it per my moms instructions.
So when I say we held our breath and hoped for the best...that wasn't exactly right. We were there watching and hovering...and swooping in in some cases.

[Brat]

I thought I heard that some states now will let family members express concern about a seniors driving abilities anonymously, next time to renew the senior must be tested. Another approach works best in small towns: talk to your local police and express concern about his driving and cognition. They may pay more attention to his driving. After a couple tickets DMV may call him in or his auto insurer may require he be tested. My auto insurance agent would not spill the beans on a family member to asked for strategies. It wouldn't surprise me if they could require a physical exam by a physician of their choosing, particularly if the friendly neighborhood police had issued a couple tickets.

It is my observation that the loss of driving privileges is worse than ED for older men. It impacts their independence which for many translates to manhood. My mother mailed my father's licence to DMV together with a letter as to why she was doing so. Dad was not happy. DMV told him that they would be happy to give him a new one if he would come in to the office. He then got into the car to drive to their office and was stopped by the police enroute. Once they learned what was going on the cops asked us to come get him and they told him that he must take a driving test to get his licence back. That ended his driving. He bought one of those power chairs which met his needs and community safety just fine.

71 is very young, IMHO, for this behavior. He has a medical problem that has not been addressed.

[Letj]

Don't want to scare you but one of the number one cause of dementia is stroke and the effects of multiple minor strokes add up very quickly. People who suffered stroke relatively young can also show signs of dementia at a relatively young age. It's a result of the brain damage that occurs. Traumatic head injury also has been linked to early dementia.

[NW-Bound]

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Originally Posted by Moemg ...since he still drives he'd be considered a stud muffin .

Wow! Pretty low standard there!

[sweetana3]

I understand your worry. My dad is 87 can called me Nov. 1 to tell me he is getting married Nov. 2. She is 45 with three kids (6,13,18). Not much I could do.

He was lonely, found someone (anyone) who would say yes. Not much anyone could do since he is fully competent.

[Nords]

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Originally Posted by Grizz Normally I'm not so indecisive, but this is new territory to me and I'm uncertain on what to do here (if anything at all). Anybody been there, have some advice? Thanks

I'm going through a similar situation with my 77-year-old Dad.

First, the behavioral problems may not be Alzheimer's or "serious" dementia. They may be a symptom of excessive alcohol (which, above age 70, could be more than one drink) or medication side effects or obstructed blood flow in the jugular/carotids. Or it could be "all of the above".

If he doesn't want to see a different doctor then you could give him a "coupon" that you "won" in a health-fair drawing for a free physical exam from a different doctor. If he's like my parents-in-law then he'll have a great time arguing with a different medical professional.

Second, is he happy? Then the best solution may be to... butt out. Keep the lines of communication open and wait for him to initiate contact.

Third, if he's not unhappy but you are then the best thing to do is to do something for yourself. In my case it was a free consult with a geriatric care manager who explained how this stage of life typically goes. My brother and I have picked out a couple of emergency geriatric care providers in my dad's area who could respond when "the call" comes until my brother and I can get to the scene. They're also able to arrange in-home help or whatever proves to be necessary (just bring money). We've also picked out a nursing home and a hospice/care home to check out during our next trip. (Without Dad. He says those homes are for old people.) There are a number of technology systems that can help your dad care for his lady as well as stay in touch with you. GrandCare touch-screen computers are one example of an entertainment device connected to a concierge service, a geriatric-care documentation website, and a home-monitoring network.

My father, an electrical/nuclear engineer, has decided that he's no longer going to use a computer or be a lab rat a doctor. He says he's got it all covered. When he hikes the Rockies he makes sure to hike uphill so that if he can't remember how to get back to the parking lot then he can at least go downhill. He also carries his and our names/addresses/phone numbers in his wallet so that if he gets seriously confused he can find a policeman to tell him who he is, help him get home, and get him help.

He claims to have his powers of attorney and medical directive and will and all that other stuff in perfect order waiting to be launched. However my cynical perspective is that he probably hasn't touched it in a decade, can't remember where it is, and would argue about it anyway. He probably hasn't filed a tax return (with anyone) for a couple years... just like his father did to him about 25 years ago. Now that I've reduced my expectations, I won't be surprised or disappointed by the reality.

The "best" I expect out of this situation is a call that he died while doing what he loves-- hiking. The "worst" is a call that he's accidentally burned down his apartment building. Somewhere between "best" and "worst" is the landlord telling us that Dad hasn't paid his rent or his other bills for six months and that we'd better come take a look... or a call from a hospital or the police.

[obgyn65]

Sorry to read this. Have you contacted a family lawyer to begin with ?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Grizz Normally I'm not so indecisive, but this is new territory to me and I'm uncertain on what to do here (if anything at all). Anybody been there, have some advice? Thanks

[Grizz]

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Originally Posted by obgyn65 Sorry to read this. Have you contacted a family lawyer to begin with ?

I haven't, and maybe I'm dense, but how would that benefit the situation? If it's relevant to your post, I do have a copy of his most recent will/directive which is only about 6 mo. old.

[Brat]

This isn't about his will or health care directive, were I you I would discuss his competency with your own elder-law attorney.

[obgyn65]

+1

Additionally, a family lawyer could advise you on the best next steps. This is what I would do anyway, faced with the same situation.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brat This isn't about his will or health care directive, were I you I would discuss his competency with your own elder-law attorney.