Join Early Retirement Today
Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Dad is acting a bit out of character
Old 02-07-2011, 10:29 PM   #1
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 316
Dad is acting a bit out of character

My dad is starting to slip mentally I fear, it isn't big obvious things, it's only little things that are a bit out of character for him that I'm noticing. I'm worried that I'd be over reacting in speaking with him about it. After all, I do things sometimes that aren't always that bright, but I've got the benefit of being relatively young, so nobody has me under the microscope.

He has a net worth of about $1.2M, and a big motorhome that he goes to Arizona every winter with. He was widowed 1.5 yrs ago (2nd marriage). For some reason he now behaves like he's in a rush constantly, whether eating or driving, or falling in love, but there is absolutely no schedule and nothing to rush for.

He's always been a competent driver, and still is, but I've noticed some minor flaws lately that if he were younger, I'd probably shrug off, but now it's got me worried.

He's lonely, I get it, but he called a couple of weeks back to announce that he was deeply in love with a lady with whom he had spent the weekend and that when he comes home in the spring, she'll be living with him. That sounds great, but the lady is flat broke, in a wheelchair, on oxygen, and he informed my sisters and I that if he dies, that our inheritance would go to his new love because of her special needs. I hope she isn't a gold digger, but he has a strong track record of attracting them. BTW, the loss of the inheritance isn't the issue here, my sisters and I all have net worths that don't require an inheritance to make much difference in our lifestyles. What worries us is that it was out of character for him to casually make a statement like that.

Of course we want him to be healthy, happy and independent, but it's so much more important to protect him and others if his driving isn't up to par. He's got enough money to get him comfortably through his golden years, but I fear he'll lose it to gold diggers, and also fear that if I tell him that, he'll think that I am just being greedy and am trying to protect the inheritance.

Normally I'm not so indecisive, but this is new territory to me and I'm uncertain on what to do here (if anything at all). Anybody been there, have some advice? Thanks
__________________

__________________
Grizz is offline   Reply With Quote
Join the #1 Early Retirement and Financial Independence Forum Today - It's Totally Free!

Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that Early-Retirement.org is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!

Old 02-07-2011, 10:32 PM   #2
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
dex's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Posts: 5,105
Does he have a doctor he visits regularly that you can discuss this with and then the doctor can do an evaluation.
__________________

__________________
Sometimes death is not as tragic as not knowing how to live. This man knew how to live--and how to make others glad they were living. - Jack Benny at Nat King Cole's funeral
dex is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-07-2011, 10:39 PM   #3
Recycles dryer sheets
Nova's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 270
How old is your dad?
__________________
Nova is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-07-2011, 10:43 PM   #4
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 316
Funny you should mention his doc. He's got a doc that has misdiagnosed his ailments (diabetes) and advised him to either stop or change the dosage of meds that specialists have prescribed. I've met him and he's very arrogant. He has a habit of telling Dad what he wants to hear so of course Dad thinks that his doc is the greatest ever, and I know that nobody will ever convince him otherwise.
__________________
Grizz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-07-2011, 10:45 PM   #5
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 316
Dad is 71
__________________
Grizz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-07-2011, 10:50 PM   #6
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 316
Aww Geez, I don't know if it's relevant, but somehow in my first post I forgot to mention that he had a very slight stroke a yr ago. Physically it resulted in slight drooling when he's tired mostly, nothing really noticeable otherwise though.
__________________
Grizz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-08-2011, 01:07 AM   #7
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
kyounge1956's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,171
Quote:
Originally Posted by Grizz View Post
Aww Geez, I don't know if it's relevant, but somehow in my first post I forgot to mention that he had a very slight stroke a yr ago. Physically it resulted in slight drooling when he's tired mostly, nothing really noticeable otherwise though.
Does your dad take any medications and if so, have any of them changed recently?
__________________
kyounge1956 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-08-2011, 03:10 AM   #8
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
vicente solano's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 1,116
Do you have any siblings? If so, what do they think?
__________________
I get by with a little help from my friends....ta ta ta ta ta...
vicente solano is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-08-2011, 04:29 AM   #9
Recycles dryer sheets
JBmadera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Green Valley
Posts: 241
Does everyones father have $1.2M++, drive a big motor home and spend the winters in Az? I wonder if our dad's know each other?

To your question, I just try to listen and encourage him to call often. If I proactively bring up issues he gets angry and thinks I'm "up to something", but if I do a lot of listening and then occasionally just ask questions a lot of the time he comes to the answer on his own.....also, when I know he's headed out in the motor home I pray A LOT.

best of luck, it's a tough issue.
__________________
JBmadera is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-08-2011, 06:33 AM   #10
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
donheff's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 8,641
This is one reason why DW and I split our assets and direct them to a trust for the kids when we die. The other can use the proceeds for support while living but can't give it away. You could still fritter it away with enough effort and the surviving spouse could break the trust for their portion but there are at least some obstacles in the way of a deteriorating mind heading astray. The trust also has the effect of keeping the inheritance out of the joint marital assets of our kids. These are the so called "bimbo" clauses.
__________________
Every man is, or hopes to be, an Idler. -- Samuel Johnson
donheff is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 02-08-2011, 10:05 AM   #11
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 316
Quote:
Originally Posted by kyounge1956 View Post
Does your dad take any medications and if so, have any of them changed recently?
Nothing radical that I'm aware of, just blood thinners and an occasional cortisone shot for his hip which is to be operated on soon.
__________________
Grizz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-08-2011, 10:10 AM   #12
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 316
Quote:
Originally Posted by vicente solano View Post
Do you have any siblings? If so, what do they think?
Have 2 sisters. They agree with me 100%, but they don't see him as much as I do. Also, while dad is very generous and cares deeply about all of us kids, he is quite "old school" so anything that a female has to say about topics like driving and money don't carry much weight. My brother in laws and myself are about the only hope on that front.
__________________
Grizz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-08-2011, 11:20 AM   #13
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 13,263
Not to be negative here (even though I am)....

What can someone see in a woman in a wheel chair on oxygen? Sounds to me like he wants someone to take care of...

Since you said he lost his second wife, I assume by death... did he lose his first to death? Maybe he has something where he wants to take care of someone who 'needs' him...

How old is this lady? She might not live long enough to get inheritance considering where she is already.....
__________________
Texas Proud is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-08-2011, 12:18 PM   #14
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 316
Quote:
Originally Posted by Texas Proud View Post
Not to be negative here (even though I am)....

What can someone see in a woman in a wheel chair on oxygen? Sounds to me like he wants someone to take care of...

Since you said he lost his second wife, I assume by death... did he lose his first to death? Maybe he has something where he wants to take care of someone who 'needs' him...

How old is this lady? She might not live long enough to get inheritance considering where she is already.....
He really doesn't do well in looking after the physically incapacitated as he gave it a go with his last wife during her final 2 yrs. He hated it. He is both a horrible cook, and lacks the manual dexterity and eye for detail to do much cleaning, ironing, and other housework. As I mentioned, earlier, he's also old school and that's "woman's work".

After his first marriage to my Mom, who is in incredible health (hikes, horseback riding etc.) he went through a stage where he had several girlfriends. For some reason, and I'm convinced that it is subconscious, they were typically either abused in their previous relationships or flat broke and on welfare, but all had quite a load of "baggage". Most were actually very nice people, but with some I always had a nagging suspicion that there might be more than love involved.

She's near his age. Unfortunately he is very trusting, and very lonely for female companionship making him easy pickin's for any female looking to live in a more comfortable style and not worry about bills.
__________________
Grizz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-08-2011, 12:44 PM   #15
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 3,323
Quote:
Originally Posted by Grizz View Post
Have 2 sisters. They agree with me 100%, but they don't see him as much as I do. Also, while dad is very generous and cares deeply about all of us kids, he is quite "old school" so anything that a female has to say about topics like driving and money don't carry much weight. My brother in laws and myself are about the only hope on that front.

Well, (and I hate to say this) you have that he's old school going for you and he might be more likely to listen to you. If it were me, I would work on my phrasing so you say it in a manner which he will hear it and talk sense to him about leaving the inheritance to his children--and not some lady he just met--not that he can't help her but geesh! giving it all to her...no.
He does sound very lonely, and maybe you kids could start visiting him more and take more of an interest in him.
But, if it were me, I'd step it up on the visits, the talking and watching what's going on. I hate it when things like this happen, and a close friend of mine had her--and her brother's--inheritance ripped totally off by her father's lady love when he was in his 80's and close to the end. The father was a tax attorney, so we are talking an educated normally intelligent guy who just went into some dementia.
The brother thinks his sister, my friend, got it all when there was nothing left to get, and won't even speak to her despite her many efforts. It's a sad situation all around cause my friend really needs the money now.
But, unfortunately, the lady love--who was around only the last 3 years--got it ALL.
But I'm a firm believer in switching roles when a parent starts slipping, and just accepting that you are now the parent and have to take control away from them. I did this with my mother but it took me a couple years to have her comfortable enough to accept the situation. She did and died, I think, a happy woman with no worries, which is what you want them to do.
I know I surely want my son to step-in when I start realllly losing it and take over. Best for everyone.
__________________
Please consider adopting a rescue animal. So very many need a furr-ever home and someone to love them! And if we all spay/neuter our pets there won't be an overpopulation to put to death.
Orchidflower is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-08-2011, 02:46 PM   #16
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 13,263
Quote:
Originally Posted by Grizz View Post
He really doesn't do well in looking after the physically incapacitated as he gave it a go with his last wife during her final 2 yrs. He hated it. He is both a horrible cook, and lacks the manual dexterity and eye for detail to do much cleaning, ironing, and other housework. As I mentioned, earlier, he's also old school and that's "woman's work".

After his first marriage to my Mom, who is in incredible health (hikes, horseback riding etc.) he went through a stage where he had several girlfriends. For some reason, and I'm convinced that it is subconscious, they were typically either abused in their previous relationships or flat broke and on welfare, but all had quite a load of "baggage". Most were actually very nice people, but with some I always had a nagging suspicion that there might be more than love involved.

She's near his age. Unfortunately he is very trusting, and very lonely for female companionship making him easy pickin's for any female looking to live in a more comfortable style and not worry about bills.

It might just be me..... but if I go the bimbo route... I want to get someone younger and hotter...

I would suggest to dad that he had already gone the route of taking care of someone who needed care... and this lady will need a lot of care going forward... is he prepared to provide this care


I would also suggest if the above did not work to tell your dad that he can take care of his lady love with a trust... his funds would go into a trust for the benefit of her... but when she passed it would go to his children... this way, he is not benefiting her children or whomever she decides to leave the money if she were to get it...
__________________
Texas Proud is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-08-2011, 02:54 PM   #17
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,648
This is such a tough issue. He is lonely and she is needy. Perhaps he knows that you and your siblings do not need it ...and thinking she does ..he is willing to give it. I've heard of too many situations where this very thing happened and in most cases...it leaves a legacy of hurt and hard feelings.
My Mom passed away first. She put all of her assets in a trust. While he was entitled to the income during his lifetime... when he passed her assets went to her children. Between 2002 when she passed and 2006 when he passed...all the needy widows came out of the woodwork (well just a few of them). It wasn't just the widows. It also was anyone in the area that thought they could "get" something. For the most part my siblings and I stayed away from telling him what to do or voicing our concerns regarding his money. He had always been very private and secretive about it so we knew it was not an approachable topic. We also felt and knew that he was desperately lonely for companionship and needed to feel some control of his life. We did not have a situation where another woman was a serious concern... meaning...we knew and he told us he would never marry again. But he did date...and he did end up in the strangest places in his attempts for companionship. I am sure we will never know how much he gave away.
I like Orchidflowers suggestion of becoming more involved in his life. More visits, more phone calls...etc. Is that a possibility? I think it is an honest observation of my own parents...and some other elderly people I know....that it becomes important what is done....who is doing the "doing" ...."who" is offering the companionship....during their last few years ...than all the lifetime years before it. Not generalizing and realize this may not be in all cases...but some.
Basically we held our breath and hoped for the best.
__________________
sheehs1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-08-2011, 03:06 PM   #18
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 3,323
You're a bigger risk taker than I am--and I voted 100% stock in that latest poll--because too many see their inheritance go down the tubes when some vulture comes in at the last years.
Anyway, he's the children's father, and they should be talking to him and visiting him in the later years shouldn't they?
I can tell you, however, that I hotfooted it up to my mother having no idea that so many vultures were trying to get "in" with her: her attorney was "visiting" 2X a week (his partner did this with some old lady and she gave him everything); her neighbor man--and ex-Cop of all things--was trying to have sex with her in a clear attempt to get in when my mother was 86 and looking every year of it; her housekeeper was going overboard; but the best one of all is my own cousin tried to get my mother to give her all her diamonds, which was certainly not appreciated by me one bit (I've never spoken to her since).
There are people out there just waiting to take advantage of the old, which is why I stepped in and stayed with her. It really was truly sickening to see all this when I got up there.
__________________
Please consider adopting a rescue animal. So very many need a furr-ever home and someone to love them! And if we all spay/neuter our pets there won't be an overpopulation to put to death.
Orchidflower is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-08-2011, 03:11 PM   #19
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 316
While my sisters don't spend a lot of time with Dad, my family and I do. He visits me at work at least once per week, we often go for coffee, I help him do his heavier yard work, and he keeps his motorhome at my lake lot during the summer where we go almost every weekend with him.

He's was an incredible businessman. Very good with money, and it has never been a taboo topic, as a matter of fact, he educated me greatly in regards to money.

Unfortunately I fear that he is entering something that could be likened to becoming a teenager again where he invents his own logic, while everyone else around him can't imagine why he'd behave like he is.
__________________
Grizz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-08-2011, 03:18 PM   #20
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Moemg's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Sarasota,fl.
Posts: 10,032
I am sure your Dad is lonely but with all the women out there why pick one this disabled ? Unless he feels he does not deserve better or needs to be needed . I know plenty of woman in good to great financial shape who would love companionship . He needs to look around a little more before he settles down . I do not know how Arizona is but in Florida there would be a line up of available women at his door with casseroles and since he still drives he'd be considered a stud muffin .
__________________

__________________
Moemg is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Rich Dad, Poor Dad, NOW "Stock Dad"........ FinanceDude FIRE and Money 10 08-29-2008 09:10 PM
Cartoon Character/Public Figure Most Identify With Danny Other topics 31 03-03-2006 01:29 AM
Rich Dad Poor Dad series laurence Other topics 1 02-23-2005 07:21 PM

 

 
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 08:52 AM.
 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.