Dating while retired

[Chuckanut]

Ummm..... so, now that we have covered the cheaters and the jerks, can we get back to discussing how being retired earlier than 'normal' may or may not affect one's romantic life

[omni550]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mulligan I have a very nice pension. But I imagine I would be kicked to the curb once they discovered my option 1 plan I took on my pension plan which means the pension checks dry up immediately after my last breath.

Or, Mulligan, you might find a woman who takes great care of you simply to keep you alive as long as possible.

omni

[skyvue]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chuckanut Ummm..... so, now that we have covered the cheaters and the jerks, can we get back to discussing how being retired earlier than 'normal' may or may not affect one's romantic life

Thanks for the redirection...interested to hear from those who were single retired early (< 50), how did you handle the question...."what do you do for a living?" (This is normally an unavoidable 1st date question)

[REWahoo]

Quote:

Originally Posted by skyvue ... how did you handle the question...."what do you do for a living?"

http://www.early-retirement.org/foru...say-48142.html

[Redbugdave]

Awww heck...back to the original subject...right when it was getting good...

[Seeking Hobbes]

As I close in on my 1st anniversary of retirement and can honestly say the biggest adjustment for me has been with social interactions... whether it's with friendships that fade away or a dating world that disheartens me.

Retirement, for me, meant freedom from daily responsibilities and a certain financial independence... as long as I work within a budget. Basically... I finally feel a certain level of control over my "personal" destiny.

This conflicts with the dating pool in my area (as referenced by Match.com), which is filled with...
- much older women with grown children.
- age appropriate women, caring for 1.. 2.. 3.. + children.
- younger women who DEFINITELY want children (tick, tock).
- younger (still) women who either have suspicious motives or father fetishes.

PLEASE... I'm not criticizing ANY of these groups (except for maybe the last one). Like me, they are all motivated by the sincere desire to be with someone for where they are in life.

I'm simply "disheartened" by the fact that there appears to be very few "baggage-free" companions, partners in crime, best friends; at a point in my life where we could REALLY have some fun together.

So... As you might imagine, I'm struggling with the decision to get back into Match dating again. It's like working up the courage to jump into a cold swimming pool. I know it will be a shock to my system... but I guess it's the only way to get wet.

[Sarah in SC]

Hobbes, I wish you well in your search, but as I've told many a single person: there are worse things (much worse) than being alone. I've seen way too many of my single friends settle for relationships and marriage that were awful, just to avoid being by themselves. Hold out! Try to network with people you know and like, rather than the internet stuff. The two worst examples of my friends' loser marriages are both from match.com.

[ziggy29]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sarah in SC Hobbes, I wish you well in your search, but as I've told many a single person: there are worse things (much worse) than being alone. I've seen way too many of my single friends settle for relationships and marriage that were awful, just to avoid being by themselves.

I was a late bloomer. I didn't have my first real date until I was 19, I didn't even have what I'd consider a girlfriend until I was 22. Back then, I would have disputed this point rather vociferously. I was so lonely and desperate at the time that it never would have sunk in.

But now, God forbid should I be thrown back into "the market" for whatever reason, I'm quite confident in my ability to be single again if I had to. (Not that I want to -- I don't -- but I think I could cope a lot better.) I think some of that comes from a developed sense of self-worth and self-esteem I didn't have in my teens and early 20s. And in retrospect, I think it was that lack of self-confidence that was the primary impediment to dating in my single years.

[W2R]

Sarah is so right - - there is absolutely nothing wrong with being alone.

But also, my suggestion is that if finding a partner is a top priority, treat it as such! Devote the amount of time and effort to the search as you would for anything else, were it your top priority. Don't expect instant success any more than you would for any other challenging endeavor in life. Keep working at it. Plan, implement your plan, assess the results, revamp your plans as needed, put them into action again, and so on. Most of us have been very successful in our jobs, and we can use the same project skills that we have used at work, to find Mr/Ms Right.

Seems like most of those I have met IRL who complain about not finding a partner, have spent more time at home munching on Cheetos and watching TV alone than out where they might come in contact with someone.

[ziggy29]

Quote:

Originally Posted by W2R Seems like most of those I have met IRL who complain about not finding a partner, have spent more time at home munching on Cheetos and watching TV alone than out where they might come in contact with someone.

This does happen. But in my experience there's another factor: there are people who say "no one is out there" for them but they have extremely high and particular standards for what is acceptable in a partner. Now that's a personal choice and if it's important to them, so be it, but if you have expectations that less than 1% of the potential dating pool can live up to, it seems silly to ask why you're having trouble finding someone.

[W2R]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ziggy29 This does happen. But in my experience there's another factor: there are people who say "no one is out there" for them but they have extremely high and particular standards for what is acceptable in a partner. Now that's a personal choice and if it's important to them, so be it, but if you have expectations that less than 1% of the potential dating pool can live up to, it seems silly to ask why you're having trouble finding someone.

So true! I agree, and I think nearly everyone goes through this to some extent when first dating. IMO part of the dating experience is determining (sometimes through trial and error) what characteristics really matter to you, and what you might be able to bend a little on. For example some women discover that the color of a man's hair, or presence of such, means much less to them than does his heart and intellect.

It's sort of like triangulation... not upon the partner, but upon one's own desires and needs. Luckily, when one is single and alone, there is a lot of free time for introspection to become part of the planning process.

[Moemg]

The one way to meet people that most people neglect is telling your friends you are ready to date . Women are great matchmakers and they always have someone they know who they are dying to introduce you to . So tell your friend ,tell their girlfriends , even tell your sister and maybe your mother . They just may lead you to Ms .Right .

[Amethyst]

To riff off W2R's "Put as much thought and effort into finding a partner, as you did into your paid work," find venues where you will interact with other people doing whatever it is they do, and watch and listen and be aware. I don't mean planned "single-mingle" things, but sports or activities you like to do. People, who are busy being active, are giving you all sorts of clues about who they are.

That full-on face picture that isn't so flattering on the computer screen, gives way to the sight of the person spontaneously dancing in fountain spray, or doing a really competent parallel-parking job, or something else that presents a "full-person" picture that suddenly clicks and says, "Attractive!"

One last note: If Internet dating had existed when I was looking for a husband and he was looking for a wife, we never would have found each other. We simply would not have punched in those parameters.

Amethyst

[Major Tom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amethyst One last note: If Internet dating had existed when I was looking for a husband and he was looking for a wife, we never would have found each other. We simply would not have punched in those parameters. Amethyst

That is a very good point. I wonder how many of us know ourselves well enough and/or have the guts to declare what we really want in a partner. It's been years since I looked at a dating site, but when I did, you just couldn't tell much about a person from the profiles that were posted. Everyone "loved to have fun" and enjoyed going out to movies and dinner.

There were few truly insightful profiles. I wonder how many of us would be self-aware enough and willing to post a profile detailing our own strengths, weaknesses, likes and dislikes? That's why I think real life meetings work best, as you instinctively pick up a lot about a person just by being in their presence.

If I were posting a profile on a dating site, I hope I'd have the presence of mind to declare what I'd really be like 3 years into the relationship. Might not get many takers that way, but I think that anyone who did respond could well be a serious contender!

[ziggy29]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amethyst One last note: If Internet dating had existed when I was looking for a husband and he was looking for a wife, we never would have found each other. We simply would not have punched in those parameters.

Interesting. My wife and I met online in 1992 when it was an oddity and a curiosity, on the old Prodigy service. We never even intended to use it as a partner-seeking tool; it just happened (which is probably why it worked).

Frankly for me it was ideal when I think about it now; I'm much better in written communication than in an awkward face-to-face with someone I really didn't know. It's also a way for the "first impression" to be something other than whether someone is pretty or tall or with the right body proportions and such. You get to know each other from the inside out, which was good for me since I never had confidence in my "outside"...

I don't tend to ever look at personals. Every time I see a woman advertising she only wants a guy who's at least 6'2" (even if she's only 5'4") it brings back memories of feeling like a reject that no one wanted. But in retrospect, I'm glad I was still on the market when I "ran into" my future wife 20 years ago...

[grasshopper]

Ms G really lowered her standards, when she said I do.

[haha]

We shouldn't fail to give a little helpful advice to our dating ladies, if there are any.

This will help any woman not completely sure of how she should act.

Tips for Single Women, 1938 | Retronaut

[Amethyst]

To me, it is so odd that height should be an issue. I only wanted the man to be at least as tall as I (5 feet 7.5"). And a really nice man could have been shorter than that and I would still have liked him.

So my husband is 6 feet 2, and the sole issue is that I have to pull the driver's seat waaaaaay up after he drives the car, because otherwise my feet don't reach the pedals. And before him, I was perfectly happy for a while with a gentleman who was 5 feet 9" tall. His family teased him for being with a girl who was "as tall as" he was, but they were just showing their ignorance (now, an ignorant family is a deal-killer, IMHO, and I bet the Internet sites don't ask you THAT question).

A.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ziggy29 very time I see a woman advertising she only wants a guy who's at least 6'2" (even if she's only 5'4") it brings back memories of feeling like a reject that no one wanted. .

[Amethyst]

Laugh if you want, but my parents were from that era (or thereabouts) and passed along similar tips, and they WORKED! (Fortunately I didn't have to worry about adjusting my girdle in public, since girdles had gone away by the time I was dating. But bra-straps will be with us forever).

Amethyst

Quote:

Originally Posted by haha We shouldn't fail to give a little helpful advice to our dating ladies, if there are any. This will help any woman not completely sure of how she should act. Tips for Single Women, 1938 | Retronaut

[Sarah in SC]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amethyst Laugh if you want, but my parents were from that era (or thereabouts) and passed along similar tips, and they WORKED! (Fortunately I didn't have to worry about adjusting my girdle in public, since girdles had gone away by the time I was dating. But bra-straps will be with us forever). Amethyst

I liked the one about not getting sloshed and passing out at the table!
The rest of that website is also pretty cool, Ha, thanks for sharing!