Join Early Retirement Today
View Poll Results: What was the main reason you divorced your first husband?
Adultery 1 6.25%
Alcohol/drug abuse 4 25.00%
Financial irresponsibility 0 0%
Physical/emotional/mental abuse 5 31.25%
Irreconcilable differences 3 18.75%
Other 3 18.75%
Voters: 16. You may not vote on this poll

Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Re: Divorced women - why?
Old 04-02-2007, 09:42 PM   #21
Moderator Emeritus
Nords's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Oahu
Posts: 26,616
Re: Divorced women - why?

Quote:
Originally Posted by HaHa
"I am a divorced father who was simply dropped by his wife," e-mailed Curtis from St. Paul, who asked that his full name not be used to protect his children. His "past" wife, as he calls her, has moved away and he does not keep in touch with her. "There was no drug, alcohol, infidelity or abuse reasons. She simply said that I was 'boring' and 'spent too much time with the kids.' Now Curtis' past wife sure sounds mature, doesn't she?
Or, "One reality for men, Chethik discovered in his research, is that marriage is often good enough for them.”But women feel like, if it's not very good and growing and getting better, it's not good enough.""
These quotes illustrate one thing missing from the poll-"I left you because, just because. Nah nah nah nah nah!!”
I think the veracity of these divorce survey respondent's quotes is like those of people who "return to work because they're bored & unfulfilled" and "prefer to keep working because they're seeking a challenge".

No one is willing to discuss the truth-- the divorcé can't be lived with and the others don't have enough money. The problem is that it's difficult for the researcher (and impossible for the reader) to ascertain the truth.

I'm not saying that people aren't divorced and/or don't return to work for those reasons, but Occam's Razor tends to cut through the crap being spouted in those situations. And it's a lot easier to stand there looking hurt & confused (or to return to the workplace) than it is to deal with the truth.
__________________

__________________
*
*

The book written on E-R.org, "The Military Guide to Financial Independence and Retirement", on sale now! For more info see "About Me" in my profile.
I don't spend much time here anymore, so please send me a PM. Thanks.
Nords is offline   Reply With Quote
Join the #1 Early Retirement and Financial Independence Forum Today - It's Totally Free!

Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that Early-Retirement.org is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!

Re: Divorced women - why?
Old 04-02-2007, 09:50 PM   #22
Moderator Emeritus
Khan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Pine Island, Florida
Posts: 6,868
Send a message via AIM to Khan
Re: Divorced women - why?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nords
I think the veracity of these divorce survey respondent's quotes is like those of people who "return to work because they're bored & unfulfilled" and "prefer to keep working because they're seeking a challenge".

No one is willing to discuss the truth-- the divorcé can't be lived with and the others don't have enough money. The problem is that it's difficult for the researcher (and impossible for the reader) to ascertain the truth.

I'm not saying that people aren't divorced and/or don't return to work for those reasons, but Occam's Razor tends to cut through the crap being spouted in those situations. And it's a lot easier to stand there looking hurt & confused (or to return to the workplace) than it is to deal with the truth.
Sometimes you come to realize that living with someone is not a really good idea.

I know I am/was/would be nearly impossible to live with.
__________________

__________________
"Knowin' no one nowhere's gonna miss us when we're gone..."
Khan is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Divorced women - why?
Old 04-02-2007, 11:01 PM   #23
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
haha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Hooverville
Posts: 22,380
Re: Divorced women - why?

Possibly never before in human history have men and women tried to get so much out of one another almost exclusively for so long.

People start to run up against the laws of conditional probability. Wife or husband has to offer all one needs in the areas of financial success and security, co-parenting, sex, romantic love, looks, entertainment, companionship, etc....

Start multiplying out the individual probabilities and one is in awe that anyone stays together beyond the infatuation stage of "Baby, your pheromones sing sweet music to my brain stem. Are you reading mine?”

In fact, I think one of the truly astounding things about people on this board, in addition to their awe-inspiring ability to pile up assets or entitlements is their possibly even more awe-inspiring ability to be/stay mutually satisfied with a life partner. You deserve big kudos for that!

Ha
__________________
"As a general rule, the more dangerous or inappropriate a conversation, the more interesting it is."-Scott Adams
haha is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Divorced women - why?
Old 04-02-2007, 11:45 PM   #24
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
SecondCor521's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Boise
Posts: 2,401
Re: Divorced women - why?

Thanks to all for the replies.

deserat, I get what you're saying, and I appreciate your points.

Caroline, I realize I come across as "wrapped around the axle" with this post. Maybe so, and my poll did stem from my not knowing the real "why", which in itself wrapped up in other things. I was very concerned with the "why" when the divorce was impending, but I realized that didn't matter unless she were willing to change her mind, which she wasn't. Now I think I want to know why just because that's my personality type. Don't you think you would want to know why if your SO decided to leave after 4 years of knowing you, 4 years of dating, and 15 years of marriage? I suspect you're the kind of person who would ask. Maybe I should have been / should be.

cube_rat, no problem. You and Caroline have my sympathies.

youbet, I'm done with #1, I'll skip #2, thanks, I have well-meaning family and friends trying #3, and am trying to get to #4, as you say, as quickly and painlessly as possible.

Nords, harsh words if I'm reading you correctly. But I appreciate them. This is what I'm trying to ultimately decide -- Was I really that bad? Or is my ex the one with the main issue? Or was it just a bad match at a tender age? I don't mean to boil it all down to something that simplistic, but that's the gist of the issue. I guess I have to go back to improving myself where I want to/think I need to, and leave the rest.

Khan, I hear you.

Haha, I think it can be done, but it's a lot harder than it looks and requires a strong commitment from both parties. Stronger than what society demands anymore.

2Cor521


__________________
"At times the world can seem an unfriendly and sinister place, but believe us when we say there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough, and what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events, may in fact be the first steps of a journey." Violet Baudelaire.
SecondCor521 is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Divorced women - why?
Old 04-03-2007, 07:49 AM   #25
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Moemg's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Sarasota,fl.
Posts: 10,031
Re: Divorced women - why?

Honestly ,would we really want someone to be brutally honest with us about why they left ? Maybe your ex is just trying to be nice and spare your feelings .
__________________
Moemg is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Divorced women - why?
Old 04-03-2007, 07:57 AM   #26
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 495
Send a message via AIM to yelnad Send a message via Yahoo to yelnad
Re: Divorced women - why?

My ex got remarried to the women he was cheating on me with.

He called one day and said, "She says she's leaving. Why do women always leave me? What am I doing wrong?"

I refused to answer, telling him that I was a bit bias against him.

__________________
Yelnad --"What you're paying for is an education, not a room at the Sheraton,and sometimes that education is uncomfortable."- Jim Terhune, Dean of Student Affairs, Colgate University
yelnad is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Divorced women - why?
Old 04-03-2007, 08:10 AM   #27
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
cute fuzzy bunny's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Losing my whump
Posts: 22,697
Re: Divorced women - why?

I think a lot of marriages dont work out satisfactorily simply because people have a whole set of expectations that arent met.

Then they think a divorce will solve the problem, only to discover that a whole lot of unanticipated difficulties make that 'solution' far less palatable than they thought.

So on one hand, too much thinking and on the other, not enough.

2Cor - on understanding women, I think an old proverb applies...that if you create an idiotproof system, nature will be forced to produce a better idiot to compensate for the imbalance. Thus if one comes to understand women, they would become different in order to confuse. Maybe grow a third boob, which all of us would find so fascinating that we wouldnt reconsider this 'understanding' thing again for at least 3-4 generations.
__________________
Be fearful when others are greedy, and greedy when others are fearful. Just another form of "buy low, sell high" for those who have trouble with things. This rule is not universal. Do not buy a 1973 Pinto because everyone else is afraid of it.
cute fuzzy bunny is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Divorced women - why?
Old 04-03-2007, 08:32 AM   #28
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Fireup2020's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,186
Re: Divorced women - why?

Amen Deserat!


__________________
Make no mistake, my friend, it takes more than money to make men rich. - A. P. Gouthey
Fireup2020 is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Divorced women - why?
Old 04-03-2007, 09:51 AM   #29
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
FinanceDude's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 12,484
Re: Divorced women - why?

Quote:
Originally Posted by yelnad
My ex got remarried to the women he was cheating on me with.

He called one day and said, "She says she's leaving. Why do women always leave me? What am I doing wrong?"

I refused to answer, telling him that I was a bit bias against him.
You are too kind......that would have been a GREAT MOMENT to be brutally honest with him.............
__________________
Consult with your own advisor or representative. My thoughts should not be construed as investment advice. Past performance is no guarantee of future results (love that one).......:)


This Thread is USELESS without pics.........:)
FinanceDude is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Divorced women - why?
Old 04-03-2007, 09:52 AM   #30
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
FinanceDude's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 12,484
Re: Divorced women - why?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Moemg
Honestly ,would we really want someone to be brutally honest with us about why they left ? Maybe your ex is just trying to be nice and spare your feelings .
Well, if my wife left, I would EXPECT brutally honest about why...........
__________________
Consult with your own advisor or representative. My thoughts should not be construed as investment advice. Past performance is no guarantee of future results (love that one).......:)


This Thread is USELESS without pics.........:)
FinanceDude is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Divorced women - why?
Old 04-03-2007, 09:57 AM   #31
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Outtahere's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 1,677
Re: Divorced women - why?

When I left I made it brutally clear why, to him, his family (that covered for him) and his friends. Was I mean, I don't believe so, if I hadn't told him my family or friends would have and in one case I had to stop someone from "physically" telling him.
__________________

Dogs aren't our whole lives, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras
Outtahere is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Divorced women - why?
Old 04-03-2007, 01:37 PM   #32
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
tryan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 2,449
Re: Divorced women - why?

Quote:

"I am a divorced father who was simply dropped by his wife," e-mailed Curtis from St. Paul
Reminds me of a friend who went thru a bitter divorce ... was "shocked" when he was served. Truth be told, we all knew he was a control freak. It was just a matter of time. But how many of us are open to seeing our own faults.

Fast forward 10 years ... he remarries a door-mat; sooo once again: just a matter of time. Can you say "7 year itch".
__________________
FIRE'd since 2005
tryan is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Divorced women - why?
Old 04-04-2007, 03:24 PM   #33
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 4,898
Re: Divorced women - why?

In my experience, personal and observed, when people rebound quickly after a divorce, finding a new love, it is amazing how similar the new love is to the previous spouse. Maybe that's why these rebound relationships have such a high failure rate?

Two true stories, I swear!

#1--a man divorces his Greek wife, then goes to Greece and meets a lovely new Greek woman and brings her back to the states. She looks just like his previous wife too!

#2 -- a man divorces his wife who had brought her young adolescent son into the marriage. He never got along with his step son and was happy when he grew up and moved away. Flash forward: man divorces old wife, immediately finds new love who brings with her to the relationship, a young adolescent son!

Go figure. :
__________________
Zoocat is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Divorced women - why?
Old 04-05-2007, 01:35 AM   #34
Recycles dryer sheets
Linney's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 262
Re: Divorced women - why?

I didn't respond to the poll because I wasn't the Plaintiff who filed for the divorce -- my ex-husband did the deed.

Counseling was incredibly helpful for me to deal with understanding the reasons for the divorce and my part in causing it. This was done as couples counseling during the waning time of the marriange. I don't know if "relationship" counseling would be as effective when you do it solo and are no longer interacting with the person in question.

Best wishes, 2Cor521. Divorce and recovery are painful experiences.

__________________

__________________
Linney is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Recently Divorced - Need Advice cpolashenski Young Dreamers 14 06-20-2007 01:17 AM
What Women Want 2B FIRE and Money 92 01-04-2007 06:46 PM
Any of you affluent women care to comment on this? mickeyd FIRE and Money 4 11-12-2006 02:51 PM
Why aren't there more women science professors? Nords Young Dreamers 59 06-03-2006 10:14 AM
Men, women, relationships and money Martha Other topics 37 05-29-2006 03:07 PM

 

 
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 04:47 AM.
 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.