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Elder parents
Old 07-24-2011, 10:57 AM   #1
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Elder parents

My Mom is currently living with my sister and spending time with me when my sister needs a break . My Sister moved my Mom from Pa. where she lived independently with assistance to Florida because she had decided it was time . Well the situation is not working and My Mom is unhappy and my Sister is miserable .Mom is probably going to return to Pa. but enter a semi assisted living . This whole thing has me wondering . Has anyone ever had one of their parents live with them with good results ?
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Old 07-24-2011, 11:07 AM   #2
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This whole thing has me wondering . Has anyone ever had one of their parents live with them with good results ?

I have had good experiences, but it has been only 6 to 12 month visits, generally due to health concerns for her or DW/child.

My dad passed away 20+ years ago and my mom doesn't speak English or drive so she depends on me alot when out of her elements, so it can be trying at times. I'm fortunate that she does respect my space and I don't respond to guilt trips easy. Perhaps we've trained each other.

She was just here visiting and mentioned when she gets older, she might move here but have her own apartment/condo. I responded, we'll see how it is when she is ready.

Would it help if your mom got her own place by your sister or yourself?
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Old 07-24-2011, 11:11 AM   #3
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Would it help if your mom got her own place by your sister or yourself?

Unfortunately my Mom is afraid to be alone at all now so that she would not do .
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Old 07-24-2011, 11:45 AM   #4
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I haven't had personal experience, but I know if friends who have had a parent live with their family for years, until they needed nursing care. It seemed to work with the type of parent who is fun to be with, but who knows when to withdraw and likes to spend some time alone or with their own friends. It seems to not work when the parent expects to have the focus of attention on themselves and their ailments, or who is critical of their children and grandchildren.
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Old 07-24-2011, 03:56 PM   #5
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When my Mom was "getting on" and a widow, I invited her to come and live with me. For her, the move would have meant a move to another country. I would have bought a house that worked for her. She flat out refused, and said she couldn't do without her friends, her home and her community. She was, of course, correct. Had she moved, it would have been an unmitigated disaster. Yet I had to make that offer.

Moving from PA to FL would not be so traumatic, but I can understand why your Mom wants to go back. It simply isn't Pennsylvania! If she goes back to an assisted living facility, I hope she won't be disappointed. That is a risk if she is now viewing PA with rose tinted glasses. And she may miss her daughters more than she expects. Nevertheless, the choice should be hers as long as she is compus mentis.
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Old 07-24-2011, 04:27 PM   #6
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Has anyone ever had one of their parents live with them with good results ?
Parents-in-law in our rental house.

It was miserable.
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Old 07-24-2011, 05:10 PM   #7
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That is a risk if she is now viewing PA with rose tinted glasses. And she may miss her daughters more than she expects. Nevertheless, the choice should be hers as long as she is compus mentis.
My younger sister is a nun stationed in Pa.. and my Mom still has relatives & friends in the area .
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Old 07-24-2011, 05:36 PM   #8
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I have some friends, Glen and Charles, who are a gay couple. Very stable people - one head of nursing at a hospital. Glen's mom Doris moved in with them because she was elderly and no longer able to care for herself. I was worried but it's worked out fine for all three of them. Doris is a very easy to get along with lady, not bothered by the fact they're gay, and loves being home with their 2 dogs while they're at work. They appreciate the fact Doris can let the dogs out in their fenced in yard when needed.

Very different case with my MIL. She moved in with DH's sister and her husband when she became disabled after a stroke. Caused a lot of stress on all three of them. They were all better off when she moved into a nursing home.

So...I think it really depends on each individual case. Please keep us posted on your mom.
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Old 07-24-2011, 06:42 PM   #9
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We took my mother for a tour of an independent living facility when she turned 90. She welcomed the idea which really surprised us. She enjoyed being with other seniors and the activities that they had to offer.
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Old 07-24-2011, 07:23 PM   #10
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My mother lived with my wife and me in the same house from 1994 until her death in 2009 at 89. It went pretty well, on the whole. She had her own living/bed room, bathroom, outside entrance. We shared a kitchen, and she nearly always went out of her way to avoid interfering with our lives. She was a strong, proud, independent person. The last 3 years were difficult for her, and for me, when she was invalided and I had to care for her toward the end of her life, but 3 years was so little compared to what she gave me, I don't begrudge it at all. Anyhow, that's all over, now.
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Old 07-24-2011, 07:36 PM   #11
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My mother lived with my wife and me in the same house from 1994 until her death in 2009 at 89. It went pretty well, on the whole. She had her own living/bed room, bathroom, outside entrance. We shared a kitchen, and she nearly always went out of her way to avoid interfering with our lives. She was a strong, proud, independent person. The last 3 years were difficult for her, and for me, when she was invalided and I had to care for her toward the end of her life, but 3 years was so little compared to what she gave me, I don't begrudge it at all. Anyhow, that's all over, now.
Thank you for sharing this. I'm very touched by your story. She must have been a very special lady. Lucky to have you for a son.
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Old 07-24-2011, 08:43 PM   #12
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Unthinkable <shudder>
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Old 07-25-2011, 09:23 AM   #13
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My mother lived with my wife and me in the same house from 1994 until her death in 2009 at 89. It went pretty well, on the whole. She had her own living/bed room, bathroom, outside entrance. We shared a kitchen, and she nearly always went out of her way to avoid interfering with our lives. She was a strong, proud, independent person. The last 3 years were difficult for her, and for me, when she was invalided and I had to care for her toward the end of her life, but 3 years was so little compared to what she gave me, I don't begrudge it at all. Anyhow, that's all over, now.
It's great to hear a positive story . I think the separate space helps.
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Old 07-25-2011, 09:48 AM   #14
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It depends so much on the people involved. After my divorce I moved in with my mother for 18 months but we both knew that was temporary and I kept her up to date on how progress was going on saving the down payment for the house I eventually bought. I was working shift work at the time so wasn't even there half her waking hours and that probably helped. Nonetheless it was a bit of a strain on both of us but nothing terrible.

Here's an example: One if the few items I kept from the former marriage was a nice cherry wood floor clock that chimed Winchester chimes on the quarter-hour. After I moved out one of my sisters asked Mom if she missed me and her response was "Well, I miss the clock".

Gee, thanks Mom.

And when I retired the old house sold, but the new place wasn't ready when promised (what a surprise!) so we stayed with DW's father for a bit over three weeks. It was tougher on him and DW than it was on me, but made it clear that as a permanent solution for him later on things would be, shall we say, problematic.
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Old 07-25-2011, 03:23 PM   #15
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My Mom is currently living with my sister and spending time with me when my sister needs a break . My Sister moved my Mom from Pa. where she lived independently with assistance to Florida because she had decided it was time . Well the situation is not working and My Mom is unhappy and my Sister is miserable .Mom is probably going to return to Pa. but enter a semi assisted living . This whole thing has me wondering . Has anyone ever had one of their parents live with them with good results ?
Yes, I've seen examples where this has worked, but it usually doesn't. Older people build social networks that they rely on to help each other and relocating makes them entirely dependent on you until - or if - they rebuild a new social group. This is very stressful for people who want or need to stay independent.

"Semi assisted living" means that some assistance is needed. Perhaps a more acceptable solution for your mom would be an independent senior living facility that has assisted options and is close to a family member.
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Old 07-25-2011, 09:15 PM   #16
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One success was my DWs Uncle and Aunt. They had her mother live with them successfully (I never heard any complaints) for a number of years. He was a Lutheran minister, however.
Other successes involve the son who never left home and lived with Mom on her terms.
Our society doesn't seem to be able to deal with this issue well. I noticed that in other societies multigenerational households are the norm.

A couple of years ago me and DW stayed (unplanned) with Mom while we found a house during the winter in PA. I was grateful for her generosity but it was uncomfortable.
Now Mom's health is such that she really needs someone to be with her at this point. She is independent and is really not interested in assisted living or leaving her house or getting plans in place for the future of not being able to be independent.
Maybe I can get some good ideas from this thread.
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Old 07-26-2011, 12:57 AM   #17
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Now Mom's health is such that she really needs someone to be with her at this point. She is independent and is really not interested in assisted living or leaving her house or getting plans in place for the future of not being able to be independent.
Maybe I can get some good ideas from this thread.
The best I can suggest is for you to interview a couple of geriatric care managers in her area. Let them know your concerns and ask if they'll be able to respond to that dreaded day when you have a crisis and need someone to visit the hospital or help her get home until you can get there.

If she has a friend in an assisted-living facility then a tour might be acceptable. Otherwise you're an interfering busybody.

One care manager suggested that the best approach is to either wait them out until they admit they want help, or to offer technology that might make it easier for them to live independently.
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Old 07-26-2011, 02:19 AM   #18
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My grandparents have built a house with my parents in the early 60s with 2 independent appartments. They even took in my grand-grandma who had been in a facility for some month before the house was ready.
It all worked out quite well. Grandpa and grand-grandma died in the 60s but I am happy to have some early childhood memories of them.
My grandma lived there untill she had several strokes in 92 ath the age of 96. That was more than my parents could support, so she spent the last 2 months in a retirement facility 5 min from the house. My parents visited daily to make sure she had all she could need.

Was it easy? Not always. But it all worked out better than each of them living alone because they all were quite reasonable and determined to make it work. They tried to stay out of each others matters as much as possible, offered help but were not offended when their offer was turned down for some reasons.
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Old 07-26-2011, 09:26 AM   #19
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Now Mom's health is such that she really needs someone to be with her at this point. She is independent and is really not interested in assisted living or leaving her house or getting plans in place for the future of not being able to be independent.
Maybe I can get some good ideas from this thread.

Before my Mom moved in with my Sister she lived alone but had an alarm button , a cleaning lady and a home health aide . The aide came a few times a week and drove Mom to the Doctor's , the hairdresser's . She also shopped and did whatever my Mom wanted . It really helped . Surprisingly it was not expensive . I paid $17 an hour and it was well worth it .
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Old 07-26-2011, 01:46 PM   #20
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I'm only 4 days into having Mom back home after her rehab, but so far so good. I have an aide come in from 8am to 3pm, so that gives me some freedom to play golf or whatever. I go to Mom's house at 3pm and usually by then, she is ready to nap. I can slip off for awhile and walk the dog, mow grass, or run a few errands. She is fine being by herself for a little while. Plus she can reach me on my cell phone if needed. At night, she watches her tv shows and I watch mine in another room or cruise the internet. Haven't slipped off at night, but could for a couple of hours as long as she is settled in for the night. Anything longer than that, I will probably need a sitter.

Who knows how well this will work long term. I can't travel anywhere other than for a couple of nights. And then I will need to have a relative sub for me. But they all live out of town so I don't expect to get a lot of help out of them. Not complaining, but those are the facts.

Overall I think things will work out OK. As of now, my Mom is very easy to get along with. She likes her aide as they enjoy talking with each other and she is content to nap or watch TV when I'm there at night. I'm sure she will need more assistance as time goes on. When it becomes too much, we will have to adjust. She was actually OK with the nursing home she did her rehab in so I would imagine that is where she will eventually end up. Hopefully I can help her enjoy as much of her remaining days as possible in her own home.
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