Explanations

[tmm99]

Quote:

Originally Posted by HFWR I think that most couples know what the reasons are, even if they don't discuss it much or at all.

IMO, more often than not, they may discuss it, but after some years, they realize they were wrong as to why.

[haha]

I nominate Kahn's reply for best of the best.

Quote:

Neither the marriage nor the divorce was my idea.

Don't blame me buddy, I got nothing to do with any of this matri-mony stuff...

Ha

[SecondCor521]

Thanks to all for the replies, very good material to think about.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moemg I would also gently suggest they move on with their life .

This quote in particular was most illuminating, so thank you in particular to Moemg. I won't go into details, but suffice it to say that it helped several light bulbs go off upstairs.

2Cor521

[Rambler]

2Cor521 - why do you ask?

R

[HFWR]

Quote:

Originally Posted by haha I nominate Kahn's reply for best of the best. Don't blame me buddy, I got nothing to do with any of this matri-mony stuff... Ha

Preacher: Do you take this woman, to have and to hold, to love and cherish, in sickness and in health, 'til death do you part?

Groom: Hunh?

[audreyh1]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Skye As an alumni of a long term marriage, I cannot imagine not talking, conversing, arguing, or yelling about the reasons the marriage is not making one happy. I mean, I would think we WANT the marriage to work,......... it just, for whatever reason, is not working out like we had envisioned. Maybe I am just too, "this is how it is and I don't like it and we need to figure out a way both of us can be happy with some changes, so let's see what we can work out here...." I would consider trying very hard to talk about and make it perfectly clear what is going wrong and trying to find ways to fix it, only fair and right. I would not want to leave a marriage until I knew I did everything I could to make it work, and that would include letting my spouse know in no uncertain terms what needed to be done.

You know - this kind of thing really depends. Some spouses really aren't willing to put up with another spouse dating around. That kind of gets well past the "why isn't this working?" and "what can we do to fix it?" discussions really quickly if no children are involved.

Audrey

[SecondCor521]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rambler 2Cor521 - why do you ask? R

The extremely short version of the story is that my wife chose to divorce me about five years ago. At the time I did not ask why, primarily because it did not seem to matter unless there was hope of reconciliation, which there was not.

Over the past five years, she has done things -- both positively and negatively -- that have surprised me. I have become much less angry at her and blaming of her. I have also very occasionally -- about once a year, on average -- met a woman who I might like to get to know better.

All that, plus my general personality characteristic of liking to understand things, equaled an interest in asking her why. I did, and at first she seemed willing to answer, then she reconsidered and now is not willing.

This result led me to wonder if her behavior was more typical or more atypical. Thus the poll.

2Cor521

[GoodSense]

Sorry I voted before I read your criteria. I guess I was the only woman voted option #2. That would have been my choice. My feelings are that I would try to explain if it is something he can change and benefit him in the future, but if we've reached the point of divorce, it's pretty much proven that it's not something that's changeable. Perhaps it's a basic incompatibility with me that would not be a problem with someone else. Perhaps it's the simple fact that we met at the wrong point in our lives. In most situations, I think explaining would be hurtful and unproductive.

[Skye]

I am really thick, I guess and really confused by this discussion. Let me see if I have this straight.......A couple is married several years.....one says to the other, I want a divorce....the other says, "OK", and doesn't ask why. That does not make any sense to me. Wouldn't the one being told their spouse wants a divorce WANT to know why? Wouldn't the one asking for the divorce WANT to tell their spouse why? Enlighten me, please!

[travelover]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Skye I am really thick, I guess and really confused by this discussion. Let me see if I have this straight.......A couple is married several years.....one says to the other, I want a divorce....the other says, "OK", and doesn't ask why. That does not make any sense to me. Wouldn't the one being told their spouse wants a divorce WANT to know why? Wouldn't the one asking for the divorce WANT to tell their spouse why? Enlighten me, please!

One reason is that the more you stir a turd, it more it stinks.

[Khan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Skye I am really thick, I guess and really confused by this discussion. Let me see if I have this straight.......A couple is married several years.....one says to the other, I want a divorce....the other says, "OK", and doesn't ask why. That does not make any sense to me. Wouldn't the one being told their spouse wants a divorce WANT to know why? Wouldn't the one asking for the divorce WANT to tell their spouse why? Enlighten me, please!

A: "This isn't what I wanted."

[Lisa99]

First marriage lasted seven years, divorce was my idea and yes I told him why.

He was blindsided even though we fought constantly about the two reasons I gave for the divorce. So don't assume that just because you communicate that the other 'gets it'.

I think for those of us who have been down this road the questionnaire was very understandable.