family member asking for money - domestic violence issue :-(((

[simple girl]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Purron Have you looked into getting her self defense training?

That is an excellent suggestion! I just found an organization that provides free training in her area and sent her a link. Thank you!!!

[simple girl]

Update for you - a good one!

Hearing was today. Surprisingly, and thankfully, he didn't show up! My niece had legal assistance from the women's center represent her. Outcome of the hearing:

• full order of protection for a year
• $600/mo child support
• batterer's intervention ordered
• ordered supervised visits with the kids through family court (although the kids don't want to see him)

So a good outcome overall. So far, there have not been any further incidents. Hopefully it will stay that way. I'm nervous to find out how he reacts after this hearing.

Oh, and my niece has also started the process for getting counseling set up for them all.

[Alan]

That sounds like really good progress. Thanks for the update.

[Sarah in SC]

That is a good outcome thus far, SG. Relieved that he's steering clear for now and so glad that your niece is getting counseling set up.

I went to lunch yesterday with my friend who just left her abusive spouse. She seems really wistful for the "lost years" she spent with him, which I take as a good sign that she was missing something. I also counted up that she'd moved a total of 11 times in the 6 years they were together. All in the same county, too. The guy just constantly kept her off balance and life chaotic enough to prevent her from even thinking about her situation until she finally made the break.

I think that regret must be a common phase for these women, when they think of where they'd be if they hadn't hooked up with the guy. I hope that your niece's counseling helps and that her friends and family will reconnect with her now that she's away from him.

[powerplay]

That's good news and you are so kind to help her in breaking out of this horrible abuse situation. I hope she and her kids stay safe and she gets into the work world and on with a new life.

[Brat]

So far, so good. In all honesty I don't think he will just walk away. He will try to use the children as leverage to insert himself into her life. Also, I don't think he will pay court ordered support. This is only the first round of a life-long battle.

[simple girl]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brat So far, so good. In all honesty I don't think he will just walk away. He will try to use the children as leverage to insert himself into her life. Also, I don't think he will pay court ordered support. This is only the first round of a life-long battle.

Unfortunately, I have the same feeling. We kind of were wondering just exactly what he might be up to since he didn't show up to court. It's not like him. Taking it one day at a time!

[FinanceDude]

I doubt he will pay the $600 a month, he knows that's financial leverage. The courts can garnish his wages and send the IRS after him, but he can put her through years of hell before she gets any money. Not trying to be negative, just real. I hope he does fulfill his responsiibility as a father...........

[easysurfer]

Simple Girl,

That's great news. Nothing irritates the courts more than when someone doesn't show up. Wonder if that had any influence on the ruling of full order of protection for a year.

Great news about your niece set up for counseling.

Sounds like much progress on both fronts.

[Telly]

simple girl, a few more tasks for your niece, if no one has advised her of this...

The week before school starts, she needs to go to each school her kids go to. To have the school records changed, so the husband is delisted as a contact person, valid pick-up person, and as a person who has the right to withdraw the student(s). She needs to talk with the proper office person, and must bring the court order with her. They will need to see the court order, and they might make a copy of it. No court order, nothing happens. This is standard operating practice in schools today.

Some schools keep a hot list of persona non grata handy at the front desk, most require the school staff to always check the computer before anyone can pick them up, withdraw them, see them, even bring them lunch. A lot of bad stuff goes on today among adults, and kids get yanked around or disappear with one parent/x-friend/doper/mental case/abuser/all of the above.

She should not wait until classes start, because the first day or two of school is a poor time to try to get things done, they have their hands full then. But she needs to work with the regular office people who handle this type of thing during the year, which usually means waiting till the week before school starts so they are all back and in place.

Once again, don't forget the court order. Otherwise, it is just another parent telling stories. No need to get into stories with the school folks. A few words and the court order will do it. They've seen it all before.

[simple girl]

Thank you so much Telly! I have copied your advice verbatim and sent it to her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Telly simple girl, a few more tasks for your niece, if no one has advised her of this... The week before school starts, she needs to go to each school her kids go to. To have the school records changed, so the husband is delisted as a contact person, valid pick-up person, and as a person who has the right to withdraw the student(s). She needs to talk with the proper office person, and must bring the court order with her. They will need to see the court order, and they might make a copy of it. No court order, nothing happens. This is standard operating practice in schools today. Some schools keep a hot list of persona non grata handy at the front desk, most require the school staff to always check the computer before anyone can pick them up, withdraw them, see them, even bring them lunch. A lot of bad stuff goes on today among adults, and kids get yanked around or disappear with one parent/x-friend/doper/mental case/abuser/all of the above. She should not wait until classes start, because the first day or two of school is a poor time to try to get things done, they have their hands full then. But she needs to work with the regular office people who handle this type of thing during the year, which usually means waiting till the week before school starts so they are all back and in place. Once again, don't forget the court order. Otherwise, it is just another parent telling stories. No need to get into stories with the school folks. A few words and the court order will do it. They've seen it all before.

[Brat]

Should she provide a couple photos of the perp, one for the office and one for the teacher?

In my former community there was a threatening parent, the school got a restraining order too.

[Telly]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brat Should she provide a couple photos of the perp, one for the office and one for the teacher?

I wouldn't. The picture would get around, and could stigmatize the kids, who will be under enough stress the way it is.
Many schools have kids move from class to class, even in 3rd grade nowadays. It would take a lot of pictures to try to cover a situation like that. And soon the other kids would know. And kids can be rather brutal to other kids for the dumbest (to us) reasons.

A good thought, but in my opinion, it would be a step too far.

[Brat]

Didn't realize that.

[KM]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brat So far, so good. In all honesty I don't think he will just walk away. He will try to use the children as leverage to insert himself into her life. Also, I don't think he will pay court ordered support. This is only the first round of a life-long battle.

Excellent news, but I concur with Brat. She may need support for a long time - but day by day she will become just a little bit stronger.

On the other hand, if he is like my sister's first husband (who wasn't abusive, he just left her) - once he sees the court order for support, he may pack his bags and just disappear. Even if the children don't get to see their father, that is not always a bad thing.... Is he "rooted" to the area for other reasons?

[simple girl]

Quote:

Originally Posted by KM On the other hand, if he is like my sister's first husband (who wasn't abusive, he just left her) - once he sees the court order for support, he may pack his bags and just disappear. Even if the children don't get to see their father, that is not always a bad thing.... Is he "rooted" to the area for other reasons?

Not sure - his mother, who always bails him out of things, is in the area. We'll just have to wait and see what happens...

[FUEGO]

Hey Simple Girl,

I just now stumbled on this thread. How did this situation turn out? Is the niece in law safe and sound and moving on up in life?

I thought the thread was from July 2015 then realized it was 4 years old but now I want to know how it turned out.

My SIL and her four kids went through something similar with my brother last year. My parents and I had to help her out a lot, though she ended up back with him (yeah, my parents and I versus my bro, sad times...). It was mostly severe verbal/emotional/money control for him against her and the physical violence was of secondary concern.

[simple girl]

Quote:

Originally Posted by FUEGO Hey Simple Girl, I just now stumbled on this thread. How did this situation turn out? Is the niece in law safe and sound and moving on up in life? I thought the thread was from July 2015 then realized it was 4 years old but now I want to know how it turned out. My SIL and her four kids went through something similar with my brother last year. My parents and I had to help her out a lot, though she ended up back with him (yeah, my parents and I versus my bro, sad times...). It was mostly severe verbal/emotional/money control for him against her and the physical violence was of secondary concern.

I wish I could say she is doing great, but she isn't. She did get rid of the loser husband, and seemed to be doing better, graduated, got a job, etc....but then over the past few years we heard she got into meth (more? who knows, probably was into it to start with), and she just really seems to have spiraled back down the rabbit hole. Jobs on/off, weird facebook posts, had the kids a while, then lost them, then got them back...we can't deal with the whole thing (have no control anyways) and just are staying out of her life. Very sad. It is what it is.

So sorry to hear about your SIL and brother. That had to be so hard to handle with your brother being the "bad guy". I hope their situation turned out better than my niece's. {sigh}

[FUEGO]

Quote:

Originally Posted by simple girl I wish I could say she is doing great, but she isn't. She did get rid of the loser husband, and seemed to be doing better, graduated, got a job, etc....but then over the past few years we heard she got into meth (more? who knows, probably was into it to start with), and she just really seems to have spiraled back down the rabbit hole. Jobs on/off, weird facebook posts, had the kids a while, then lost them, then got them back...we can't deal with the whole thing (have no control anyways) and just are staying out of her life. Very sad. It is what it is. So sorry to hear about your SIL and brother. That had to be so hard to handle with your brother being the "bad guy". I hope their situation turned out better than my niece's. {sigh}

That's unfortunate about your niece-in-law, but what more can you do, right?

I'm not really sure what family life is like for SIL and my brother right now (or their 3 kids). Hopefully her getting a restraining order against him (temporarily) and leaving with the kids for a while made him realize she might actually walk away from him for good. Hopefully he's a nicer guy now.

Part of SIL's problem is that her and her husband (my brother) jointly own and operate a small business (just the 2 of them). SIL wasn't willing to let the biz blow up and walk away from it since they were both on the hook for the $90k lease (total due over 3 years). I think the lease expires next spring or summer and she's mentioned she's not renewing. We'll see if she carries through since she tends to get persuaded/manipulated by her husband and he might see the business as his meal ticket (even though it won't operate without SIL; my bro is replaceable).

[simple girl]

Quote:

Originally Posted by FUEGO That's unfortunate about your niece-in-law, but what more can you do, right?

Exactly.

Quote:

Originally Posted by FUEGO I'm not really sure what family life is like for SIL and my brother right now (or their 3 kids). Hopefully her getting a restraining order against him (temporarily) and leaving with the kids for a while made him realize she might actually walk away from him for good. Hopefully he's a nicer guy now. Part of SIL's problem is that her and her husband (my brother) jointly own and operate a small business (just the 2 of them). SIL wasn't willing to let the biz blow up and walk away from it since they were both on the hook for the $90k lease (total due over 3 years). I think the lease expires next spring or summer and she's mentioned she's not renewing. We'll see if she carries through since she tends to get persuaded/manipulated by her husband and he might see the business as his meal ticket (even though it won't operate without SIL; my bro is replaceable).

Hope she has learned to stand up for herself a bit!