Funniest Amazon.com Reviews Ever?

[Birdie Num Nums]

The Amazon.com reviews for Haribo Sugarless Gummi Bears have to be among the funniest ever written. Here's one example:

Oh man...words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The Gummi Bear "Cleanse". If you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, RUN!

First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. Soft, true-to-taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety...I was a happy camper.

BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I've ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me.

Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell...the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn't stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.

But wait; there's more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible.

AND IT WENT ON FOR HOURS.

I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005.

I had FIVE POUNDS of these innocent-looking delicious-tasting HELLBEARS so I told a friend about what happened to me, thinking it HAD to be some type of sensitivity I had to the sugar substitute, and in spite of my warnings and graphic descriptions, she decided to take her chances and take them off my hands.

Silly woman. All of the same for her, and a phone call from her while on the toilet (because you kinda end up living in the bathroom for a spell) telling me she really wished she would have listened. I think she was crying.

Her sister was skeptical and suspected that we were exaggerating. She took them to work, since there was still 99% of a 5 pound bag left. She works for a construction company, where there are builders, roofers, house painters, landscapers, etc. Lots of people who generally have limited access to toilets on a given day. I can't imagine where all of those poor men (and women) pooped that day. I keep envisioning men on roofs, crossing their legs and trying to decide if they can make it down the ladder, or if they should just jump.

[veremchuka]

This is one time that "Pictures or it didn't happen" is just out of the question!

[NW-Bound]

Oh joy! 11,472 of 11,634 people found that negative review helpful.

And then, here's a "favorable" review, with 2,892 of 2,949 people finding it helpful.

The reviews are so helpful. It is so difficult to be sure you are buying something over the internet that is exactley (sic) what you are searching for.
I am sending a bag of these to every member of Congress to show my deepest gratitude.

[kaneohe]

colonoscopy patent? no foul tasting liquids anymore..........

[audreyh1]

Sugar alcohols, in large quantities, have certain known unpleasant side effects.

Best to ingest then in small quantities like in a stick of gum (where they are a good choice because they don't contribute to tooth decay).

[UnderTheRadar]

Look up the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer on Amazon. Too funny.

[MRG]

Quote:

Originally Posted by NW-Bound ............................................ I am sending a bag of these to every member of Congress to show my deepest gratitude.

That would be much funnier than the review.

MRG

[LOL!]

Three wolf moon T-shirt even has a video review
Amazon.com: Customer Reviews: The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee

"35,779 of 36,189 people found the following review helpful"

It's funny that the banana slicer is a "related" search.

[harley]

I always liked the reviews for Amazon.com: Customer Reviews: AutoExec Wheelmate Steering Wheel Attachable Work Surface Tray

But I have to admit, the Banana Slicer review below is my all time favorite.

Quote:

"Gone are the days of biting off slice-sized chunks of banana and spitting them onto a serving tray…. Next on my wish list: a kitchen tool for dividing frozen water into cube-sized chunks.” N. Krumpe

[harley]

This thread got me reading some of the reviews. This one might be the most creative one ever:

Amazon.com: Edgar's review of Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz

[kevink]

This one is hard to beat:

http://www.amazon.com/BIC-Cristal-1-...1?tag=btram-20

[bob boag]

Wenger 16999 Swiss Army Knife Giant - Amazon.com

The Wenger 141-function Swiss Army Knife has a lot of satisfied customers.

[audreyh1]

Yeah - what an amusing outlet for sharing extreme imaginations and creativity! LOL!

I did like the guy that became the King of Switzerland.

[Walt34]

Well, we know what some people do all day! The ones for the t-shirt have my vote for most creative.

[rescueme]

Here's the reviews from Overstock.com for the "Zenith Defy Xtreme Men's Sea Tourbillon Titanium Watch", at only $86,755.99 :

Product Reviews: Zenith Defy Xtreme Men's Sea Tourbillon Titanium Watch | Overstock.com

[samclem]

Veet For Men Hair Removal Gel Cream

Reviews will not be funny to those with sensitive tastes.

A tame snippet:

Quote:

I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considerd myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait. At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.

[tuixiu]

from the $81k watch resceume referenced above, at Zenith Men's 96.0529.4035/51.M Defy Xtreme Tourbillon Titanium Chronograph Watch: Watches: Amazon.com

Quote:

The Zenith Men's Defy Xtreme Tourbillon Titanium Chronograph Watch or Z.M.D.X.T.B.T.C.M. as I like to call it, is by far the most awesome watch. Chuck Norris riding into the Super Bowl on the back of Godzilla and round house kicking the crowd is no where near as awesome as this priceless poon magnet. When I was just moments from sending my $100k to some needy neo-hippie help group, I stumbled onto this gem. It was like the heavens opened and Jesus himself appeared with this same watch on.

Quote:

$9.95 shipping.....Outrageous! I had decided on this watch, but then I noticed the shipping charge. Outrageous! I'm shelling out close to 100k, and they want me to take care of the shipping too. Forget it!

Quote:

I bought a couple of these and smashed them in front of poor people. You know, as a joke. Then I drove away.

Quote:

I divided by zero with this watch. Totally justifies the price tag. Nobel Prize for Physics, here I come.

etc.

[tuixiu]

Fresh whole rabbit Amazon.com: Customer Reviews: Fresh Whole Rabbit

Quote:

Pays for itself I bought two, left them alone in the refrigerator for a week, and now I have thirty-eight. Off to buy a bigger fridge.

Quote:

Like many suburban homeowners, I like to kill and eat the wild animals that populate my backyard. To keep it sporting, I hunt naked, with my teeth and long sharpened fingernails as my only weapons. I've feasted on squirrel, raccoon, vole and numerous songbirds. But no matter how long I lay spread eagle and motionless in the hot noonday sun, I have never been able to outwit and catch any of the plump and juicy rabbits that hop just outside my reach and then bolt for the woods when I leap forward with a blood-curdling shriek. I have chased them at a dead run through the yards of the many unoccupied homes that surround mine but the pursuit always ends in frustration. But no more, thanks to Amazon. Every week, I order a fresh whole rabbit and affix it to a remote control car that is operated by one of my children. This way, I get the thrill of the hunt, and when the car's batteries are exhausted, I can leap upon it, bury my teeth into the rabbit's soft flesh and perform my ritual victory dance right there in the Walgreen's parking lot.

Quote:

My five year old daughter loved this Easter present. She played with it for hours. I'd recommend this to anyone who is struggling to think of a suitable gift for Easter

[MRG]

There's a guy thats sells them from his backyard. Sign on road for 50 weeks is 'Rabbits live or dressed'. The other 2 weeks the sign is changed to 'Easter Bunnies'.

Liked the reviews.
MRG