Gang, I Need a Little Assistance with Lawyer Jokes...

[jdmorton]

I've been having a rather one-sided e-mail exchange with some of the lawyers I work with at MegaCorp. Today, I sent them the one about the blind rabbit and the blind snake that Cute Fuzzy Bunny told in the post concerning alpacas. That one apparantly unleased the lawyers' 'sense of humor' - if you want to call it that :. I'm anticipating a barrage of engineer/technical jokes to rain down on me tomorrow, and I'd like to be prepared.

I've already got some, from a couple of pretty good lawyer joke web sites, including one called pondscumandlawyers.com .

Anyway, you guys come up with some of the wittiest stuff I've ever read on the 'Net. If you have some good lawyer jokes appropriate for an office setting that I could use, I'd appreciate it. Heck, I might use them even if they aren't appropriate !

I'll let you know how it goes

[Nords]

How 'bout this:
One lawyer met another pushing a nice bicycle and inquired how it had been acquired.

The second lawyer said "Well, I was walking along the bike path when this gorgeous woman cycled up to me, hopped off her bike, ripped off her clothes, and said 'Take whatever you want!'"

Oh, waitaminnit, that's supposed to be an engineer met another pushing a nice bicycle...

Well, I hope this helps you look forward to tomorrow's work!

[Alex]

Here's a few:

Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!

Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

[Ed_The_Gypsy]

(from Johnny Carson)

They are replacing lab rats with lawyers. Why?
1) There are more lawyers than there are rats.
2) Some people actually get attached to rats.
3) There are some things a rat just won't do.

[Lazarus]

The Bronze Rat
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."

[Caroline]

Whats the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer takes off his wingtips at night.

[bosco]

two lawyers are walking down the street when a gorgeous woman walks past. The first lawyer comments "I'd like to screw her!" THe secord one asks "out of what?"

A client walks up to a lawyer and gives him a $100 bill for a recent fee. The lawyer notices that there are actually 2 $100 bills stuck together. Q what is his ethical dilemma? A does he tell his partner about the second $100

Q why are there more lawyers in New York than in New Jersey?
A because New Jersey got first pick and they chose toxic waste dumps

Q why do attorneys wear neckties?
A to keep their foreskin from sliding up over their face

[bosco]

and a heartfelt apology to Martha, who is living proof that many of the popular negative opinions about lawyers don't always apply

[cute fuzzy bunny]

You've got a PM!

Some things are too over the top for public consumption...

[JohnEyles]

A woman runs into the doctor and says "doctor, doctor, can you get
pregnant from anal sex ?"

"Sure," says the doctor, "where do you think lawyers come from".

[cute fuzzy bunny]

Well, I guess I didnt need to PM it after all...

[scrinch]

Q. Why don't lawyers like sunbathing at the beach?
A. Because cats keep kicking sand all over them.

[jdmorton]

Thanks, everyone, for your contributions. Today was not as bad as I thought it would be. I told my daughter that I had better wear that asbestos suit - looks like I could have gotten away with the asbestos thong .

CFB, you're right - there's little that isn't "exposed" and/or "expoused" on this board .

Don't worry though, we/I plan on exchanging lawyer jokes a couple of times a month this year; so I plan on using most of what you all have supplied to me. We used to do this all the time. Some of my fellow engineers were almost merciless in their exchanges with our in-house attorneys. We used to have some attorneys that dished it right back - as bad or worse than what we used to give them. I guess I'm just an old softie for the good old days .

Plus, this is a great way to while away the day at work 8).

[Toejam]

www.wisbar.org/AM/Template.cfm%3FSection%3DView_Calendar1%26template %3D/Conference/ConferenceDescription.cfm%26conferenceid%3D2115+me an+lawyer+jokes&hl=en&ct=clnk&cd=5&gl=us]LINK[/url]

Is this a joke or what?? What is the world coming to if we can't poke fun at lawyer - or dentists, or accountants, or ......

I say this with all due respect as the person I am dating is a lawyer with MegaCorp, and it wouldn't be any fun if I couldn't spout off some good lawyer jokes now and then. And one of his brothers is a dentist and the other an accountant. I think I will start gathering jokes on those professions, too!

Hey, good lawyer jokes so far!





MODERATOR EDIT: Shortened URL

[lets-retire]

What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A rottweiller.

[bssc]

Q: What do you call a lawyer with half a brain?
A: Your Honor

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PSALM 23 for Lawyers

The Lord and I are in a shepherd/sheep situation. I am in a position of negative need.

He prostrates me in a green belt grazing area; he conducts me directionally parallel to a torrential aqueous liquid.

He returns to original satisfaction levels my psychological make-up; he switches me on to a positive behavioural format for maximum prestige of his identity.

It should be said that notwithstanding the fact that I make ambulatory progress through the umbrageous interhill mortality slot, terror sensations will not be instantiated in me due to para ethical phenomena.

You pastoral walking aid and quadruped pick up unit introduce me to pleasurific mood state.

You design and produce a nutrient bearing furniture type structure in the context of non co-operative elements; you act out a head related folk ritual employing vegetable extract by beverage utensil experiences in a volume crisis.

It is an ongoing deducible fact that your interrelation emphatic and non vengeance capabilities will retain me as their target focus for the duration of my non-death period. I will possess tenant rights in the house of the Lord on a permanently open ended time basis.

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Three Lawyers and Three Accountants

Three lawyers and three accountants got on the train in New York to go to a convention in DC. The three accountants bought a ticket each, but the three lawyers bought only one ticket between them. The accountants commented on the illegality of their action but the lawyers said, "Trust us--we're lawyers."

When the conductor entered the end of the car to collect the tickets, the three lawyers got up and all went into the bathroom together. When the conductor knocked on the bathroom door, a hand shot out with the one ticket, which the conductor duly cancelled.

On returning to their seats the three accountants expressed admiration for such a clever trick. "Well," they said modestly, "we ARE lawyers."

After the convention they all entered Union Station for the return trip home to New York. This time the accountants bought one ticket between them, while the lawyers did not buy any tickets at all. The accountants were amazed and said so. "Trust us," the three said. "We're lawyers."

When the conductor arrived, the three accountants quickly jumped up and went into the bathroom. As soon as the door closed, the three lawyers got up and headed for the ajoining bathroom. As the last lawyer went by the accountant's bathroom, he knocked on the door. A hand shot out with the ticket, which the lawyer quickly grabbed before entering the other bathroom.

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Q: What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A good start. (Unless you are an environmentalist; then you would consider this indiscriminate dumping of hazardous waste.)

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Q: What do you call an automobile accident between 2 lawyers?

A: A Saab story.

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Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A: A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

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Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: How many can you afford?

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A preacher and an attorney were talking one day about the mistakes they made in their respective professions, and how they dealt with them. The lawyer boasted that because he was a lawyer if he made a really big mistake he just shuffled a few papers and pulled a few legal maneuvers and covered it all up. If it was a small mistake he just ignored it and went on with life.

The attorney turned to the preacher and asked "How do you do it, pastor?"

The pastor said, "If it is a really large mistake I just turn to the Lord and ask forgiveness."

The attorney interrupted him and asked, "But what about small mistakes, how do you handle them?"

The preacher replied, "Well, just last Sunday in my sermon I was quoting Jesus from the gospel of John chapter 8 where he said, 'You are your father the devil, he was a LIAR from the beginning.' Instead I said, 'You are of your father the devil, he was LAWYER from the beginning.'"

Upon hearing this the lawyer became indignant and retorted, "Well how did you handle it.?"

The preacher replied, "It was such a small mistake that I just ignored it and went on."

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Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon ... "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."

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Q: Why did the lawyer cross the road?

A: To sue the chicken on the other side.

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What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?

Accountants know they're boring.

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As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"

"There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation had been a failure."

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Q: Why did God invent lawyers?

A: So that realtors, politicians and used car salespeople would have someone to look down on.

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A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back onto the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.

He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.

Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"