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Old 02-23-2012, 08:51 PM   #281
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Yay!

A girl's gotta look good!

Not your fault--put yourself first. And stay under his radar as much as possible!
Exactly
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Old 02-23-2012, 09:29 PM   #282
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So happy to hear you're making such a good new start without missing a beat! Make your ownn luck...
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Old 02-23-2012, 09:48 PM   #283
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Oh your new job sounds like it's very interesting! Congrats and go spoil yourself... you deserve it!
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Old 02-24-2012, 02:01 AM   #284
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Well done!
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Old 02-24-2012, 02:49 AM   #285
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Congratulations.
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Old 02-24-2012, 04:42 AM   #286
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Great news to hear you have your act together and are well on your way to building a better life for yourself!
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Old 02-24-2012, 12:15 PM   #287
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Thanks, all, for the continuing support and advice! Things are moving forward so nicely.

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I would would not let your soon to be former husband know about your plans or life going forward. As he finds his life spinning out of control his behavior may not support your success. Along that line I would not share with your employers or co-workers any details of your divorce or the circumstances leading up to it.
Great point. They did do a background check and since we've filed it's in the system, so I mentioned to the HR person that I was going through a divorce, but that it was a good thing and wouldn't impact my ability to do the job. But I am not planning on sharing anything with my coworkers. I hadn't thought much about security, but you raise a really good point. Thanks, as I am looking at apartments this weekend.

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Would love to know how the soon-to-be ex is spiraling---can you just give an example?
I think the best example is his decision to reconnect with his toxic and dysfunctional family, and the consequences that result from that. His brother (who lives at home with his parents) is an alcoholic and drug addict going through week-long binges, so my ex has been in the middle of domestic struggles, for example brother beating up parents; parents responding by threatening brother with their guns -- refuse to call cops because they can't afford lawyers and already have a bunch of DV convictions on their record (brother and father.) So my ex has been spending time taking his brother to the ER and trying to intervene there. My ex is barely sleeping, not eating much, is almost constantly sick (and he's already immuno-compromised.) Although he's living with his mistress, he's realized he doesn't like her very much, so according to him, he's basically been living out of his car and just sleeping over there. He's just a hot mess. I think it might be affecting him at work. He's in his last year of fellowship and was hoping for a full-time job at the hospital he's at now. He'd been told he'd get an offer by the end of January, and he still hasn't seen one a month later. I know he said his experiments in the lab hadn't been working well lately, so I'm sure his head isn't in the game as much as it should be.

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Do you like the new city?
I love it! Right now, I live in a suburb of the city. Which was fine when I was married and not going out much. My new job is right downtown, so I want to be closer to the action. There is just so much going on, and it will be great to not have to worry about a 40 minute drive back home.

I must admit I feel a bit NPD myself by updating this thread, but it seems like there's enough interest that I should keep it up. If I ever do write that book, I'll let you know
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Old 02-24-2012, 03:33 PM   #288
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Ya think?

Based on your description, I can't imagine how he even goes to work, let alone gets anything done while there.

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He's just a hot mess. I think it might be affecting him at work.
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Old 02-24-2012, 03:34 PM   #289
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I'd like to give extra credit for any post that includes the term "hot mess", which is so very much one of my favorite expressions!
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Old 02-24-2012, 04:29 PM   #290
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At a certain level I feel sorry for him. He has messed up his marriage and will be brought down by his dysfunctional family. There is nothing you could have ever done to rescue him from his destructive behavior. Thank your lucky stars that you did not bring a child into this toxic mix.

My profession was human resources, I am in my 70s, so my advice: Focus on your career for the next 12 months. Do not get involved with anyone at work! There will be men at work on the hunt, so to speak. If you become involved with one the employer may feel the need to separate one of you and usually it is the woman.

Socially take it slow, you don't want to become involved with another needy man and you won't know that unless you take time to observe him as a friend. If a suitor looks interesting before you become emotionally attached check him out with friends, even colleagues, and pay attention to what is not said. If he has been married before make discrete inquiry about the circumstances of his divorce. Do not meet a divorced man's children until and unless the both of you are serious about marriage, it isn't fair to the children because they too invest their emotions in the relationship.
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Old 02-24-2012, 04:45 PM   #291
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I must admit I feel a bit NPD myself by updating this thread, but it seems like there's enough interest that I should keep it up. If I ever do write that book, I'll let you know
NPD? Not sure what that means. In any case, yes, there is interest here, and anyone who doesn't think so doesn't need to click on the thread. Some of it is probably human interest at the chaos of your ex-'s life, but it's also a really story to see you get control of your own life. I wish you all the best. What I found in my own divorce is that there were some bumps along the way and it certainly wasn't steady improvement in my life or outlook, but overall it definitely got much better, both in terms of attaining FIRE and just being happy with myself and my life.
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Old 02-24-2012, 04:52 PM   #292
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You are an inspiration to me, and I wish you well in your new life journey.........
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Old 02-24-2012, 05:12 PM   #293
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+1x10000 on the security thing

Even if STBX stabilizes, don't put it past him to outsource some of his dysfunction. In-laws with a history of domestic violence may come up with the notion that all of their boy wonder's problems were caused by you and want to do something about it.

Be very careful!
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Old 02-24-2012, 05:17 PM   #294
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Agree with everybody's concern with security....

And when you get through this whole process you will have a huge sigh of relief and wonder why you were married to him in the first place... from what I read, he brought you down to his level and you did not even know it... after healing, I think you will agree your life is much better....

I have told my wife a few times that I would rather be single without conflict than married with conflict...
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Old 02-25-2012, 09:11 AM   #295
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I'd like to give extra credit for any post that includes the term "hot mess", which is so very much one of my favorite expressions!
Isn't that on the menu at Waffle House?
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Old 02-25-2012, 10:34 AM   #296
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I nominate this for heartwarming story of the year.

You can't turn around these days without encountering another tragic story of someone trapped in a bad relationship, so hearing about someone who was able to escape one before any lasting damage occurred is really a treat.
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Old 02-25-2012, 01:54 PM   #297
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Wow! Thanks for the continuing great advice and comments. What kind, wise, and generous people you all are! The earlier comments helped me through the darkest days of this more than you realize.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brat View Post
My profession was human resources, I am in my 70s, so my advice: Focus on your career for the next 12 months. Do not get involved with anyone at work! There will be men at work on the hunt, so to speak. If you become involved with one the employer may feel the need to separate one of you and usually it is the woman.

Socially take it slow, you don't want to become involved with another needy man and you won't know that unless you take time to observe him as a friend. If a suitor looks interesting before you become emotionally attached check him out with friends, even colleagues, and pay attention to what is not said. If he has been married before make discrete inquiry about the circumstances of his divorce. Do not meet a divorced man's children until and unless the both of you are serious about marriage, it isn't fair to the children because they too invest their emotions in the relationship.
More great advice. This is my dream job (assuming I have to have one!) and I don't want to do anything to mess that up, so I will not get involved with anyone from work. Thanks for the reminder of the pitfalls of doing so!

Right now I am just enjoying my friends and family and enjoying being single for a while. With the demands of my new job, I can't see how I would have time right now for a relationship, which will probably work out well for me to heal.

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NPD? Not sure what that means.
Sorry about the acronym! NPD = narcissistic personality disorder, which I suspect my soon-to-be-ex suffers from. I've been updating so frequently I feel like I'm being a bit too self-centered. But, as you said, the interest seems to be there and I know I like reading personal threads when people update with what's been going on! And if it makes anyone feel better about their choice of mate and they're not going through what I am, all the better
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Old 02-25-2012, 09:12 PM   #298
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What worries me is this guy may be a doctor one day! Who the hell wants a dysfunctional mess (hot mess?) like this making important decisions about my health and well being... or yours (plural)?

Maybe you want to get a PO box vs having a home address. Years ago you could pay $1 at the PO and fill a form to get an address, not sure if that's possible today but if you want security don't let this nut case know where to find you.
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Old 02-26-2012, 12:19 PM   #299
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Isn't that on the menu at Waffle House?
I was thinking more like Hooters.

But in either case, I'd order two pair...
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Old 02-26-2012, 05:25 PM   #300
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I agree with the security issue. Congrats on getting your life back together and your new job. Thanks for updating.
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