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Old 05-23-2012, 08:56 PM   #341
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Thanks again for your encouraging responses. Today was the first day I haven't cried at all in weeks. I think I just needed things to be final so I could really move on. I am feeling really great about things!

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Be careful with your next relationship. Picking a problem person to rescue him/her can easily become a habit.
I have been doing so much reflecting on this. My first impulse was to try to find someone right away, but I've read that broken attracts broken, so I've decided to take some time off from dating and just enjoy my life and truly heal. I am having a hard time fitting in all of the things I want to do for me, so I have no idea where I will find the time for dating, which is probably a good thing right now! I've heard different rules of thumb, but I think I'll just take things as they come and trust my gut about when I'm ready.

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BTW, please consider keeping your maiden name when you meet your soul mate in future. You are independent. You are who you are. If he insists, then ask him to consider changing his to yours and see how he feels.
Definitely! I was 22 when I got married, so hadn't given it a second thought and just automatically changed my name to his. This always made me sad, as my maiden (and current) last name is so wonderful and I missed it. In fact, about a year ago, I was thinking about changing it back while remaining married. My sister kept her name when she married, and if I ever do marry again (which seems very doubtful at this point!) I am absolutely keeping my name.

I know I'm a broken record, but you guys are the best! Throughout this journey, I have just been overwhelmed by the people who have stepped up to help me (in real life and online.) I am very lucky to have such a great support system, and I do appreciate the contributions that you have made to this thread, and, by extension, to my life. I hadn't even been a regular contributor to the forum (though I did read every day when my job was less demanding) and yet you've shown me such compassion and acceptance. Outstanding!
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Old 05-25-2012, 01:40 AM   #342
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My first impulse was to try to find someone right away, but I've read that broken attracts broken, so I've decided to take some time off from dating and just enjoy my life and truly heal. I am having a hard time fitting in all of the things I want to do for me, so I have no idea where I will find the time for dating, which is probably a good thing right now!
I think if you're living your life well and enjoying it, then the dates will be attracted to you with little effort on your part. It's irresistible.

You won't even have to spend all day cruising the courthouse elevators...
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Old 05-25-2012, 03:14 AM   #343
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Thank you for the update.
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Old 05-25-2012, 08:00 AM   #344
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........ My first impulse was to try to find someone right away, but I've read that broken attracts broken, so I've decided to take some time off from dating and just enjoy my life and truly heal............
Having been there, I think it is important to reestablish yourself as a whole person as opposed to half of a couple. As Nords points out, it makes you a more attractive person, but in my experience it also enriches your life. Do all the things that you didn't do because he didn't want to or could not do. Listen to your heart and follow it.
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Old 05-25-2012, 08:48 AM   #345
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Also be open to approaches and new experiences. Don't consider every date to be a potential partner. Just enjoy the voyage.
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Old 05-25-2012, 10:06 AM   #346
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Also be open to approaches and new experiences. Don't consider every date to be a potential partner. Just enjoy the voyage.
Keith are you hittin' on her?
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Old 05-25-2012, 10:18 AM   #347
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Keith are you hittin' on her?
He'll need to get in line & wait his turn...
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Old 05-25-2012, 10:44 AM   #348
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Marathoner,

Congratulation on starting a new phase of your life.

It has often been said that tough times do not last but tough people do.

Best of luck,

2soon2tell
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Old 05-25-2012, 03:42 PM   #349
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I have been doing so much reflecting on this. My first impulse was to try to find someone right away, but I've read that broken attracts broken, so I've decided to take some time off from dating and just enjoy my life and truly heal. I am having a hard time fitting in all of the things I want to do for me, so I have no idea where I will find the time for dating, which is probably a good thing right now! I've heard different rules of thumb, but I think I'll just take things as they come and trust my gut about when I'm ready.
When I divorced, I decided that I really needed to spend time with a counselor/therapist to understand why I had made some poor choices and how to make better ones. That really helped. I was also determined to learn and enjoy being single for a while so that I would not get involved with another relationship until I felt like a strong person on my own. Needless to say, dealing from a position of strength and confidence in myself meant that future relationships were on much healthier terms. And my very happy second marriage has been everything my first wasn't. We have been together 24 years, married 21. We are still very happy.

Good luck to you - focus on yourself for a while.
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Old 05-25-2012, 08:16 PM   #350
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I have been doing so much reflecting on this. My first impulse was to try to find someone right away, but I've read that broken attracts broken, so I've decided to take some time off from dating and just enjoy my life and truly heal. I am having a hard time fitting in all of the things I want to do for me, so I have no idea where I will find the time for dating, which is probably a good thing right now! I've heard different rules of thumb, but I think I'll just take things as they come and trust my gut about when I'm ready.



This is a great idea . I would love to say I implemented it when I got divorced but unfortunately by the time I came to that realization I had dated every dysfunctional guy on the east coast . So stick with your plan it is the saner route . I did eventually spend time alone and I grew so much . When I was finally happy with living alone & me I met Mr. Right .
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Old 05-26-2012, 07:28 AM   #351
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I have been doing so much reflecting on this. My first impulse was to try to find someone right away, but I've read that broken attracts broken, so I've decided to take some time off from dating and just enjoy my life and truly heal. I am having a hard time fitting in all of the things I want to do for me, so I have no idea where I will find the time for dating, which is probably a good thing right now! I've heard different rules of thumb, but I think I'll just take things as they come and trust my gut about when I'm ready.
I think you're doing very well and making good decisions.

After my divorce I had every intention of remaining hard-core bachelor and was focused on being free to enjoy my job, buying a home by myself, and finally being able to do some fun stuff that I wanted to do instead of spending every dime on what the ex wanted to do.

I was dating DW-to-be but at the time I'd told her early that I wasn't marriage material, not wanting to "lead her on". It slowly dawned on me that I'd never felt more comfortable with anyone else in my life, but still thought about marriage for another year before I bought a small diamond ring.

The experience can be made a positive one. I probably wouldn't appreciate DW as much as I do if I hadn't been through that experience first.
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Old 05-26-2012, 09:29 AM   #352
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When I divorced, I decided that I really needed to spend time with a counselor/therapist to understand why I had made some poor choices and how to make better ones. That really helped. I was also determined to learn and enjoy being single for a while so that I would not get involved with another relationship until I felt like a strong person on my own. Needless to say, dealing from a position of strength and confidence in myself meant that future relationships were on much healthier terms. And my very happy second marriage has been everything my first wasn't. We have been together 24 years, married 21. We are still very happy.

Good luck to you - focus on yourself for a while.
Good grief audreyh1. You could open up a whole new thread on this. Many years ago when I was dating, I decided that half the women were looking for what I would call a "loser." They wanted "excitement" which often involved some guy that would eventually show them some form of physical or psychological abuse. The other option of choice was some sort of "fixer upper" - just our of jail, out of work, just divorced..... Somehow being polite, respectful and holding a steady job seemed a turn off to a reasonable portion of the women I met. Fortunately, the other sector was more than adequate.
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Old 05-26-2012, 10:38 AM   #353
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I was told it takes two years to recover from a divorce. They were right. As if by magic, about two years after my divorce was final, I suddenly realized one day, that I had not thought about my ex, the divorce or my old life for over a week. That was liberating!
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Old 05-26-2012, 07:37 PM   #354
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Audrey I'm dealing with a friend who is choosing the same path to learning what made her make the awful set of decisions that led to her marriage to the guy I fondly call "the one man cult". She's ditched a couple of therapists who said she was fine. She wants to know what is wrong with her so she can fix it. Makes sense to me. I hope for her an outcome like yours.
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Old 05-29-2012, 09:55 PM   #355
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Best of luck going forward with your life. Take it one day at a time for a bit.
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Old 07-17-2012, 10:15 PM   #356
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It's been a few months again, so I've decided to update, for any who may be interested.

On the work front - my direct supervisor (who was wonderful) decided to leave to spend time with her family (I introduced her to YMOYL and a few other resources after she shared her decision -- we're kindred spirits and I've likely met a life-long friend in her.)

That means that I get to (have to?) take on more responsibility much earlier than expected, which is actually working out really well. I have much more access to the senior portfolio managers and directly report to a leader in the industry. Only three months after starting, I have moved from my work station to an office with an amazing view of the city!

Still planning on FIRE, but this job is such a perfect fit for me in every way (if I have to have one!)

On the divorce front - we have an accepted offer on our house and should close next week. We'll lose money (bought in 2005) but since we put 20% down, we won't have to bring money to closing which is what I really cared about at this point.

In about a month I will be debt free (not the way I envisioned being so!) though possibly not for long as I am thinking about buying a house in the spring. Prices and rates are just so attractive and I absolutely love this neighborhood.

Friends and family continue their amazing support. Life is really, really good!

On the dating front, since so many mentioned it earlier - I am just really enjoying being single! I'm not even sure where I'd find the time to date right now. I did go on an accidental date a few weeks ago when I thought it was just doing something with a friend, but I set him straight and I don't really consider it a date since I had no clue.

Although I try to go no contact as much as possible with my XH, we had to talk occasionally because of the house. I really pity him. He is a very unhappy person, and I rather suspect he always will be. He moves this weekend or next to a small town three hours away for work, and I hope that a change in scenery (and physical distance from his toxic family) will help him find some measure of peace about how he ruined his life by cheating.

Training for a marathon or two in the fall, trying to keep up with my reading goal for the year (commuting on the bus helps this; more active social life hurts this), and just having a fabulous time.

As always, I must extend my thanks to all of you who posted advice and supportive comments over the past few months. I've reread this thread many times and I credit it with helping me to stay strong and not go back to him (in the early days) and for giving me hope of better days ahead. Even a few months ago, I never thought I'd feel as great as I do right now, and I suspect that things will only get better. Yay!
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Old 07-17-2012, 10:23 PM   #357
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Thanks for the update, Marathoner. You seem so much happier now!
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Old 07-17-2012, 10:25 PM   #358
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Old 07-17-2012, 10:26 PM   #359
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Thanks for the update. Yes, we're still interested and I'm so glad things are turning out well for you.
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Old 07-17-2012, 10:33 PM   #360
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WOOHOO!!! Everything sounds great, Marathoner.

And you sound so marvelously upbeat.

Thanks for the update.

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