Join Early Retirement Today
Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Old 12-18-2011, 06:59 PM   #21
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
73ss454's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: LaLa Land
Posts: 4,378
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marathoner View Post

His behavior has been so strange, I never would have suspected he could do this.
Men have a knack for thinking with the wrong head.
__________________

__________________
Work is something you do to get enough $ so you don't have to....Me.
73ss454 is offline   Reply With Quote
Join the #1 Early Retirement and Financial Independence Forum Today - It's Totally Free!

Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that Early-Retirement.org is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!

Old 12-18-2011, 07:03 PM   #22
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
audreyh1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Rio Grande Valley
Posts: 16,484
Boy, Marathoner, your story is sounding so familiar. I went through a similar experience with my ex (though I hadn't subsidized his education, thank goodness!). I think I figured out later that he had reached a point where he wanted a different kind of life, and really didn't know how to go about it, and getting involved with someone else from work (we worked at the same place -arrgh!) was a way of just forcing a change, even though he seemed generally clueless. We were also childless, thank goodness.

I focused on myself. I continued the counseling sessions on my own, focused on how to make better decisions about relationships and personal choices and what I really wanted for my own life. It ended up being a period of great personal growth and really, I got rid of what turned out to be a real drag on my quality of life.

Yes, my ex wanted to "maintain the friendship" somehow. Ridiculous. I think at some level he wanted to experiment, but still have the safety net of the relationship to come back to. Hah! It's laughable now. Trust gone. Respect gone. I wasn't so sanguine at the time, I assure you. But at least I knew he was illogical and being very immature, and I had better take care of myself and my own future!

You know when the divorce was final, I think he was quite shocked. He had been kind of attempting to reconnect (which I ignored), and I think he was in denial that I had truly moved on. Somehow he just didn't expect that. I don't think we ever knew each other very well mostly due to our immaturity.

I wish you the best. You owe him nothing; don't let him tell you otherwise.

Audrey
__________________

__________________
Well, I thought I was retired. But it seems that now I'm working as a travel agent instead!
audreyh1 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-18-2011, 07:08 PM   #23
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
braumeister's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Northern Kentucky
Posts: 8,610
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marathoner View Post
I halfway expect him to come crawling back, which is why I am telling my real life friends and family about what's going on. That way, I'll be peer-pressured into not taking him back.

Only two weeks out, this is still so surreal. His behavior has been so strange, I never would have suspected he could do this. I do hope that I'm not scarred for life, but I am going to spend some time being single, finding myself, and will be very careful before entering into another relationship! I thought I hit the jackpot with him, and I'm not sure how he managed to fool me for so long.
Very sorry to hear about this, but you're obviously much smarter than he is, so you'll be fine.

As has been said, find a good lawyer (ask everyone you know for referrals, then pick the one you can work with best). Now is the time for a cool head and lots of planning. Best of luck!
__________________
Pas de lieu Rhône que nous.
braumeister is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-18-2011, 07:08 PM   #24
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
travelover's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 9,896
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marathoner View Post
I never would have suspected he could do this.
The person that you divorce is not the same person that you married. People change, some go a little crazy.
__________________
Yes, I have achieved work / life balance.
travelover is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-18-2011, 07:26 PM   #25
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Moemg's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Sarasota,fl.
Posts: 10,035
So sorry to hear about your divorce !
__________________
Moemg is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-18-2011, 07:26 PM   #26
Dryer sheet wannabe
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Brooklyn,ny
Posts: 16
Life is simply too short. I believe that you are very young and you should definitely move on with your life.

Don't even think twice about accepting any bs from this man.

I think that this was a chapter in your life that you experienced and you need to move on.

Too many people dwell too much on things that should not matter.

Everyone and everything in life are replaceable. I am referring to a man In your life.

If you feel that you need to go to counseling to grieve n move on them do so. I hope you are strong enough to move on . Down the road you will meet new people and who knows be happier than you were with your current spouse.

Good Luck.
Mindy
__________________
Mindy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-18-2011, 07:43 PM   #27
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
veremchuka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: irradiated - too close to the nuclear furnace
Posts: 1,294
I am sorry, this is a terrible blow to you.

Look I'm going to be blunt. First, I doubt this is the 1st time he has done this, it is the 1st time you know about it. Second, don't believe or trust him again. Don't forgive, you will find yourself back in this same boat be it 5 years or 20 years from now. Third, this fling will burn it self out soon, both of them are untrustworthy people to do this and they will not trust each other, self destruction is imminent of that you can be sure. Forth, don't be friends ie have contact, he wants to keep 1 foot in that door. Slam it shut.

Good luck.
__________________
veremchuka is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-18-2011, 08:09 PM   #28
Full time employment: Posting here.
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 702
So sorry to hear the bad news. I would get an attorney and get some counseling.
__________________
FreeAtLast is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-18-2011, 08:21 PM   #29
Dryer sheet aficionado
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 48
Sorry to hear this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marathoner
I know I will come out just fine.
Always remember that.

T
__________________
Tif7 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-18-2011, 09:09 PM   #30
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Major Tom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: SF East Bay
Posts: 3,129
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marathoner View Post
He doesn't want to pay me any alimony since it was my choice to support him through school, and if he pays me anything, he's just enabling me to not work as hard as I could. Blech.
Not only is he a freeloader, but from what you've said above, his behavior sounds manipulative. Whether or not his paying you the money back allows you to not work as hard has absolutely nothing to do with it. The point is that he owes you that money. I know you already know this, but I guess I'm just venting a bit. People who don't face up to their financial obligations to others bug the heck out of me. I agree with everyone who says you should find a lawyer. Don't let him get away with this.
__________________
ER, for all intents and purposes. Part-time income <5% of annual expenditure.
Major Tom is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-18-2011, 09:18 PM   #31
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
powerplay's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 1,380
I am so sorry you are going through this especially this time of year. Hang in there and seek out a good lawyer. You will get through this and keep your eyes on the prize of ER.
__________________
powerplay is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-18-2011, 09:59 PM   #32
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
haha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Hooverville
Posts: 22,386
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marathoner View Post
I thought I hit the jackpot with him, and I'm not sure how he managed to fool me for so long.

Thanks again!
You know, he probably was not fooling you. He is just temporarily insane.

As you know doctors are attractive to women for all sorts of reasons, not least of which is that they make a high, secure living.

Someone came along and made him feel like the big strong man. She may even have planned a campaign of seduction.

OTOH, he knows that you have supported him for years. He may even be harboring shame about this.

Good luck, and my counsel would be to pay attention to your feelings, and try to proceed with compassion and understanding even though it is impossible not to be hurt and angry.

Ha
__________________
"As a general rule, the more dangerous or inappropriate a conversation, the more interesting it is."-Scott Adams
haha is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-18-2011, 09:59 PM   #33
Dryer sheet aficionado
Wrirya's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 29
Get a good attorney

That being said do not give up on allimony, if you pit him throughout school you deserve it. I have an attorney friend that got divorced before he completed law Scholle, the court ( rightly so) awarded his ex alimony as if he was a practicing attorney. My mom just went though a long nasty divorce, my advice this is going to be a 2 year process, try and settle but don't give the farm away. I am very sorry to hear what happened.
__________________
Wrirya is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-18-2011, 10:04 PM   #34
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 3,862
Fight for what's owed you, including some of that future salary. He's definately crazy.
__________________
Animorph is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-18-2011, 10:15 PM   #35
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,649
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marathoner View Post
Yes. He had dreams of going to med school but didn't think he could do it. I showed him how we could make that happen, and I supported him through applying for school, school, residency, 1.5 years of fellowship, paid at least $70k of his student loans as well as all living expenses since I had a good job.

And now, 6 months away from making a doctor's salary, and with me losing my job in March, he pulls this. He doesn't want to pay me any alimony since it was my choice to support him through school, and if he pays me anything, he's just enabling me to not work as hard as I could. Blech.

It's like aliens have invaded his brain. This is not the man I've known for so long.

We did go to counseling once, but his mind is made up to divorce, and at this point, I wouldn't take him back. They're off looking at apartments to sublet right now so he's planning on moving out of the house by the end of the week.

toofrugal -- I do have a ton of support, both in real life and online, which has been very helpful. He has no friends and no family, just his new girlfriend. I can't even really be angry with him because I pity him too much.

everyone else -- thanks for the kind wishes. I know I will get through this and be stronger for it.
Am so sorry Marathoner. Haven't gotten all the way thru the thread yet but will. This post stopped me as I wanted to make a comment. He may have to pay you alimony....if that is what you would like. You supported him while he pursued his medical degree. Unless things have changed, that was an investment towards your future together. Get a good lawyer.
This happened to a friend of mine. Granted it was a long time ago. She put her husband thru med school too. She was able to get alimony by the courts.

If you are able to...get busy...trying to recreate the finances for the last 10 years, what you paid for the two of you to live and his tuition. The fact that you have been laid off is also reason for that very good lawyer you hire to call an emergency hearing to get you emergency support right now. Should be done immediately. That should throw some cold realty into the situation.
__________________
sheehs1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-18-2011, 10:40 PM   #36
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Brat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 5,914
Quote:
Originally Posted by Meadbh View Post
Now get yourself a good lawyer, and sue the bastard for all he's (going to be) worth.
Agreed. Start reconstructing the financials ASAP.

IMHO this gal doesn't realize that a man who will step out on his current wife will do that to her too.
__________________
Duck bjorn.
Brat is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-18-2011, 10:52 PM   #37
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,649
Let us know if you need ideas for reconstructing those finances.
Bank Statements from all banks...Order copies if you have thrown away.
Credit Card Statements (same)
Med School accounting department for copies of tuition charges . Match with copies of cancelled checks.
If you own any property, get tax records and home insurance you paid.
Trips the two of you took that you paid or partially paid
Anything you bought for him that was not a gift.

You will have to prove you paid. Source of funds is important.

Again, so sorry...but spend your time protecting yourself and fighting for what you deserve...if you can.
__________________
sheehs1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-18-2011, 10:55 PM   #38
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
haha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Hooverville
Posts: 22,386
I feel bad about this situation. At the same time, some responses on this thread make me sooo glad that I am not married.
__________________
"As a general rule, the more dangerous or inappropriate a conversation, the more interesting it is."-Scott Adams
haha is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-18-2011, 11:23 PM   #39
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
veremchuka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: irradiated - too close to the nuclear furnace
Posts: 1,294
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brat View Post
IMHO this gal doesn't realize that a man who will step out on his current wife will do that to her too.
Or a woman that would steal another woman's husband would do it again. They deserve each other.
__________________
veremchuka is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-19-2011, 02:02 AM   #40
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Duesseldorf, Germany
Posts: 1,005
Before he moves out, please make sure that you have copies of all financial documents (esp. re the student loan and those sheesh1 mentioned) copied and stored out of the house, maybe in a sealed envelope at one on YOUR friends.
Just in case.
__________________

__________________
chris2008 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Comforting Dreams of those passed away easysurfer Other topics 53 06-05-2013 09:24 AM
A dash of cold water on my dreams of retirement Nuiloa Other topics 38 12-19-2011 08:09 PM
So how diabolical are you in your dreams? hakuna matata Other topics 31 09-07-2011 06:36 PM
Anybody have bad dreams about work? donheff Other topics 39 08-15-2011 08:40 PM

 

 
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 11:48 PM.
 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.