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Old 12-19-2011, 05:10 AM   #41
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As you know doctors are attractive to women for all sorts of reasons, not least of which is that they make a high, secure living.

Someone came along and made him feel like the big strong man. She may even have planned a campaign of seduction.
I know of a doctor who married a woman who did just that - wife number two then continued to work in his practice....she knew how the game was played and was about to make damn sure there wasn't going to be another innings.
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Old 12-19-2011, 06:48 AM   #42
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Marathoner,

I'm so sorry to hear this.

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my counsel would be to pay attention to your feelings, and try to proceed with compassion and understanding even though it is impossible not to be hurt and angry.
+1. You're still young, and life moves on.
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Old 12-19-2011, 07:10 AM   #43
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Sorry to hear this. Glad that you are still so young---you will have the resilience to rebuild your life.

I Googled alimony and saw that there is a type of alimony called reimbursement alimony where the husband reimburses the wife for putting him through school.

Sounds like this is not the man you married. Maybe he is getting giddy being so close to the finish line, with lots of money and the increased ability to attract women as a doctor (can't believe I'm typing this as being the case in 2011 when women are just as capable as men of earning a high income, but it seems like it could be true).

Promise that you will make an appointment with a lawyer today! You are entitled---no, actually you are obligated---to protect yourself from any further damage. He's done quite enough already! Give him a life lesson about every action having consequences and that MD or not, the world is not entirely playground where he can do whatever he wants without any repercussions.
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Old 12-19-2011, 07:43 AM   #44
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That all changed when he told me he'd been having an affair for the past 2 weeks with a coworker and was divorcing me to be with her! I thought he was joking at first, but he was serious. He is throwing away a good 10 year marriage for a 2 week fling, and not willing to try to save the relationship.
Who knows what's really going on. It sucks, but at least he told you rather than having a long term affair and not telling you. Both are bad, though............

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I know he's making a huge mistake, but I must carry on and figure out what's wrong with me that I'd even consider staying with a cheater.
He seems to think he's not making a mistake.

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Anyway, the only complaint he had about me was that I think too much about the future. We'd discussed FIRE and he always told me he wanted to do so, but now he's told me that he really likes his job, is planning on working 60 hours per week for the rest of his life.
That's a cop-out answer. He has other reasons he's not sharing with you.........

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I am only in my early 30s, so I know I will come out just fine. I just know that divorce is one of the worst things that can happen to one's finances. Lots of changes on the horizon, and I hope I can still find a way to FIRE.
Better to have this happen in early 30's than mid 50's, I agree..........

Keep your head up!
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Old 12-19-2011, 07:59 AM   #45
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RUN- don't walk to find a quality attorney. You will need to move very quickly to protect savings accounts and assets. "they" could pull out anything that might be in a joint name if you do not get this protected.

You come across as a gentle caring person. Should his "relationship" fall apart, you may feel sympathetic since he has no one. HIS PROBLEM- not yours. Time to take care of YOU,

FIGHT FOR ALIMONY as he is about to make alot of money and you are about to lose your job. You contributed much to his success. Though remember that you are clearly the better person.

Best wishes.
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Old 12-19-2011, 08:08 AM   #46
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So sorry to hear this is happening to you. Been there, done that myself starting over from scratch in my early 30's.

Two years later (coincidentally just after I had just bought a house on my own) the ex rings up and wants my approval to marry her boyfriend. The question floored me so I just said "We're divorced. Do whatever you want."

Only later did it occur to me that what she was really asking was could we get back together so one entire salary could be spent on fun stuff - which was where I was trying to get to in the first place but it was taking too long for her.

So.... Next July will be the 25th anniversary with one of the most kind, gentle, generous people I've ever met, one who understands that personal responsibilities come first, then go play.

There is hope.
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Old 12-19-2011, 08:23 AM   #47
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Marathoner,

I feel for you.

Do the best you can to separate the emotional side and the financial side. In otherwords, emotionally, at the moment you probably feel blindsided. Yet, at the same time, you still need to concentrate on the finances like are your accounts (checking, savings, credit cards, etc.) held separately or jointly. Since he was so irresponsible in your marriage, there is nothing to say that he won't be just as irresponsible with your fianances.

I remember when my sister divorced years ago, I had to remind her this over and over again.

Hopes things eventually work out for you.
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Old 12-19-2011, 09:19 AM   #48
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Lawyering up is probably the biggest mistake you can make! I would consult with the top 2-3 Divorce lawyers in your county. I would then ask these lawyers about mediation in your state and a recommendation for a good mediator. Once you have had a consultation with these lawyers they can no longer represent your spouse. At that point I would ask your spouse (for the sake of the Marital assets) to agree to Mediation. Case law is well established in these areas and no children are involved so it is pretty clear cut. Take 50% of assets and maybe Alimony for a reasonable period of time (5 years to pursue a degree) and move on with your life!
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Old 12-19-2011, 09:50 AM   #49
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Yes. He had dreams of going to med school but didn't think he could do it. I showed him how we could make that happen, and I supported him through applying for school, school, residency, 1.5 years of fellowship, paid at least $70k of his student loans as well as all living expenses since I had a good job.

And now, 6 months away from making a doctor's salary, and with me losing my job in March, he pulls this. He doesn't want to pay me any alimony since it was my choice to support him through school, and if he pays me anything, he's just enabling me to not work as hard as I could. Blech.

It's like aliens have invaded his brain. This is not the man I've known for so long.

We did go to counseling once, but his mind is made up to divorce, and at this point, I wouldn't take him back. They're off looking at apartments to sublet right now so he's planning on moving out of the house by the end of the week.

toofrugal -- I do have a ton of support, both in real life and online, which has been very helpful. He has no friends and no family, just his new girlfriend. I can't even really be angry with him because I pity him too much.

everyone else -- thanks for the kind wishes. I know I will get through this and be stronger for it.

Many many years ago I read something very similar... the wife supported the husband etc. etc. and just when he was about to make some good money, he found a 'young thing'.... since they were in Texas which does not have alimony, there was nothing that she was going to get as they had nothing.... I remember this because she said his degree was worth some amount of money and that she owned half of it which was some value... I do not know what happened in court....


As someone else said.... lawyer up.... and don't play nice.... he is now your enemy and he will probably try and take you to the cleaners...

(now, I will read more of the comments.... hope things get better)
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Old 12-19-2011, 09:50 AM   #50
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Lawyer up. Go talk to every good divorce attorbey within 50 miles to shut him out. Then you want to go after his future earnings and your current assets. You definitely want to grab his future income as it is worth a fortune if you were to buy the same cashflows via an annuity. At least as presented, he is a scumbag and I would try to take every last penny and then some.

Sorry that this has happened to you, bt at least you found out on the early side.

And I hate to have to suggest this, but go get tested for STDs right away. No telling where this lying, cheating piece of crap stuck his jimmy before he stuck it in you.
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Old 12-19-2011, 10:32 AM   #51
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Thanks again for all of the support. I have read everything and will continue to reread them when I feel down.

I have an appointment with a lawyer today. He is supposed to be very good. I do have a couple of other people to talk to if I don't like this guy.

I have an appointment with a doctor for STD testing in early January (apparently I have to wait at least 4 weeks before getting tested?)

I had an appointment with a psychologist this morning. She said I am coping really well and said she'd rather be in my shoes than his, which was nice to hear. I am going back at the end of January, but can call her if I need to before then.

I called a recruiter today (haven't heard back yet) to discuss what jobs are out there and timing of my search since I am at my current job through the end of March and don't want to lose out on my severance and bonus.

I feel more in control of things now that I've taken these steps and I know that I will come out fine. Luckily I handled all of our finances, so he doesn't even know where most of the money is or how to access it. I guess he could run up credit cards, so I will talk about that with my lawyer today.

Thanks again. I appreciate every comment.
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Old 12-19-2011, 10:33 AM   #52
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Mediation works if both parties will agree to it. It'll save you a lot of money and time, though, so definitely pursue it first.
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Old 12-19-2011, 10:36 AM   #53
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Remember that talking to several leading divorce attorneys in your area is a blocking strategy. Even if you think the person you will be talking to is the one talk to others asap. If one you try to make an appointment with turns you down you will know who the opposition counsel will be.
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Old 12-19-2011, 11:19 AM   #54
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10 years is a long time. If he's been great other than this, it could be worth fighting for counseling together. If you have nice things, people try to take them. Graduating from med school is a big transition and might have him running scared from something. Whatever it is, his side probably has little to do with the coworker.

On the other side, if he is just a total prick, tabling the job search might not be a bad idea financially for the next few months. Assuming you have assets to be out of work for a little while, the financial upside of handling the divorce well is probably much greater than a few months of missed pay. You can only do so many things well at once.
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Old 12-19-2011, 11:35 AM   #55
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Assuming you have assets to be out of work for a little while, the financial upside of handling the divorce well is probably much greater than a few months of missed pay. You can only do so many things well at once.
This may be true, but it's always easier to find a job if you have one already. Plus, having a job might give you a little more clout in salary negotiations.
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Old 12-19-2011, 11:38 AM   #56
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Am going to throw one more thing out for you to think about Marathoner since I'm not sure where you are with all of this. Don't know about your state but in Va and N.C., you can sue the "new girl" for alienation of affection. Elizabeth Edwards sued the girlfriend impregnated by Jon Edwards. My husband has/had a couple client. When the husband left for another woman, the wife sued "the new girlfriend" and won. Just know this option may also be out there for you. If I had supported my husband for 10 years while laying the groundwork for our future, I would NOT take this sitting down. The reverse is also true if the woman was the one to leave. Equal opportunity and all that stuff. .
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Old 12-19-2011, 11:41 AM   #57
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Remember that talking to several leading divorce attorneys in your area is a blocking strategy. Even if you think the person you will be talking to is the one talk to others asap. If one you try to make an appointment with turns you down you will know who the opposition counsel will be.
Good idea. It's called "poisioning the well" if I am not mistaken. Make appointments with the one(s) you think your husband will choose, have a consult...and it may block him from being able to use him (them).
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Old 12-19-2011, 11:43 AM   #58
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10 years is a long time and counseling should be on the table, HOWEVER that does not preclude preparing for the worst. Block out everything but keeping the job through the layoff and preparing for your future financially. While you are working you may have access to an employee assistance program that provides counseling and other services. Use it!

By the time people are in their 30s women are usually more strategic in their romantic relationships, men are still driven by their passions. Taking up with a co-worker also opens up the possibility of a sexual harassment charge against him by the third party if he decides to dump her. This problem is not exclusive to men but men are more often the party with the power so he is taking more risks than he realizes. If she is a professional peer there is a whole different bag of worms sitting out there.. professional politics. He may be smart academically but he has no social intelligence imho.
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Old 12-19-2011, 11:45 AM   #59
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Perhaps some of my suggestions sound aggressive....but...it lit a fire under me when you said he was looking at apartments with the new girlfriend. I'd venture a guess that this has been going on a for while. They have not thought about your well being so....please consider the steps you decide to take or do not take will have a bearing on what your future years may be like. Best wishes to you.
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Old 12-19-2011, 12:35 PM   #60
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Perhaps some of my suggestions sound aggressive....but...it lit a fire under me when you said he was looking at apartments with the new girlfriend. I'd venture a guess that this has been going on a for while. They have not thought about your well being so....please consider the steps you decide to take or do not take will have a bearing on what your future years may be like. Best wishes to you.

I think a silver lining (from a financial standpoint) is that since he seems very eager to go apartment looking with the new girlfriend and seems to want to get the divorce done quickly, that can be used as bargaining power. If he is in such a rush to walk away from the marriage and get a "new life", make him sign away on your terms.
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