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Old 12-21-2011, 09:55 AM   #121
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Thanks, Seeking Hobbes. I know I will be fine. I think it really helped meeting her (before the affair) because it hasn't hit my self-esteem as I'm not wondering what she has that I don't. I'm better-looking, in better shape, nicer, friendlier, smarter, etc. I just don't look like his mom! I know that this is all about him (issues stemming from his childhood) and not about me.

Anyway, interesting development. As a reminder -- the timing on this is that he started having feelings for her early November and the physical affair was the end of November. He told me he wanted to divorce on Dec. 4. After attempting to reconcile for about a week, he decided he wanted out and he's basically moved in with her since last Saturday while her husband is out of town.

We talked yesterday so I could give him my attorney's information and I could get his (we are going to try collaborative divorce.) He got really sad, said he misses me and it was great to hear the sound of my voice. He thinks he made a huge mistake (after living with her for 3 days!) He has an appointment with the counselor tomorrow morning, so he wants to talk after that.

I don't even know what to think. I thought he would try to come back, but in no way did I think it would happen so soon. I guess I'll have to see what he says tomorrow. I had just about gotten my mind in a place where I was getting excited about what the future might bring and then this happens.

We did have a great relationship for 12 years and 11 months until this temporary insanity hit. I'm not sure if I'm willing to throw all of that away, as I don't think the person he's been this past month is who he really is. If he's willing to work through his issues in therapy and we can make our marriage even stronger, might that be the best solution?

These next few months are going to be very interesting. I must thank all of you again for giving me things to think about. With this new information yesterday, I'm going to reread this thread and hope that I can figure out what I really want.
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Old 12-21-2011, 10:00 AM   #122
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I think one of the biggest hurdles you're going to have to overcome if you take him back is can you ever trust him again? Can you face a future wondering every day if he's got another woman on the side? Unless you believe you can handle the doubts, think long and hard about whether your future happiness can include him.
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Old 12-21-2011, 10:35 AM   #123
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Hi Marathoner,

Wow... that IS a change of events!

Having never been married, I can't really offer any advice on reconciliation. One thing I have learned (the hard way), however, is that you can never hope to have a 'healthy' relationship with an 'unhealthy' person - and it certainly sounds as if your husband has some issues.

This in mind, I have never personally witnessed a successful reconciliation following infidelity. Remember... you only learned of his cheating because HE told you about it, prior to his departure. Also, you will never be in a better position than now for a successful divorce settlement.

Finally, at the very least I'd suggest a lengthy separation... just to let the dust/emotions to settle. You may find that you are better off without him.

Whatever you decide... best of luck!

(Disclaimer: As a single male, I have a selfish interest in seeing more unattached, healthy, attractive, baggage-free women in this world.)
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Old 12-21-2011, 10:36 AM   #124
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You're a runner. Run.
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Old 12-21-2011, 10:43 AM   #125
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You can glue a broken mirror back together and it will work. But you will always be able to tell that it was broken.

Is this mirror that important to you?
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Old 12-21-2011, 10:51 AM   #126
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I can't quite get over the fact that he said he didn't want to pay you back for the 70K in student loans that you paid for him.

If you were to get back together he won't have to pay you back will he?
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Old 12-21-2011, 11:22 AM   #127
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I think living with his "girlfriend" for a few days, it probably dawned on him, "Ooops! The grass is not always greener on the other side." But he had to find out the hard way instead of rationalizing this in the first place. We make our own beds and have to sleep in it.
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Old 12-21-2011, 11:33 AM   #128
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I think one of the biggest hurdles you're going to have to overcome if you take him back is can you ever trust him again? Can you face a future wondering every day if he's got another woman on the side? Unless you believe you can handle the doubts, think long and hard about whether your future happiness can include him.
THIS^^.


Marathoner--you'll be fine. You say you're not angry with him...but believe me, you will be. You'll go through the 7 stages of loss/grief and it will take a while, but in the end you will be stronger.

Since he is at his "girlfriend's house", take this opportunity to toss all his stuff onto the lawn and change your locks. If you are still paying on his student loans...STOP. Make sure that everything you do going forward is in YOUR best interest. The sooner you can cut him entirely out of your life, the better. Good luck to you.

My ex also found himself a sweetie...at a Bible study class no less. Days before our divorce was final, he also decided that I was "the best thing he ever had" and wanted to return home. NOT. Thankfully, I was strong enough to tell him that ship had sailed.
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Old 12-21-2011, 11:51 AM   #129
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he's basically moved in with her since last Saturday while her husband is out of town.

We talked yesterday so I could give him my attorney's information and I could get his (we are going to try collaborative divorce.) He got really sad, said he misses me and it was great to hear the sound of my voice. He thinks he made a huge mistake (after living with her for 3 days!)
So, after seeing how much fun it was to cheat on you, now he's cheating on her so he can get that thrill twice?

All I can say is no matter how this turns out, you need to make sure you "have all your ducks in a row" for a divorce if that should be necessary later on. Don't let him use this supposed desire for reconciliation as an opportunity to take any important files you might need for that, or to raid the bank accounts and so on.
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Old 12-21-2011, 12:13 PM   #130
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Now we've got everything else squared away.....here's the REAL question...."What's your best marathon time?"
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Old 12-21-2011, 12:16 PM   #131
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Marathoner...life isn't always black and white. There are many shades of grey.

IMO, you need to try and tune out the noise. Perhaps if the two of you live apart while he gets counseling, you'll have the time to consider how you feel.

My best to the both of you.
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Old 12-21-2011, 12:32 PM   #132
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Now we've got everything else squared away.....here's the REAL question...."What's your best marathon time?"
Finally, an easy question I did a 3:28 earlier this year. If I keep off the 8 pounds I've lost through this ordeal, my next one might be even faster.

I will not take reconciliation lightly; at this point, I'm not even sure if he's really interested. And if he is, he has to show me that he's 100% committed. We'd have to work with our marriage counselor to figure out how to make it work. And I have to figure out if that's what I want, since it will be hard work, or if I'd rather start fresh.

I am still taking steps toward divorce. I am moving out a bunch of my stuff that he doesn't want (classical music CDs, Teaching Company CDs/DVDs, books) to store at my parents' house this weekend. Other than that, things are on hold until he meets with his attorney on December 30.
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Old 12-21-2011, 01:02 PM   #133
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His colleagues probably told him enough divorce horror stories to make him think twice . I have known several couples who stayed together after an affair . It was not easy but they did it and are still together and seem happy .
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Old 12-21-2011, 01:18 PM   #134
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THIS^^.


Marathoner--you'll be fine. You say you're not angry with him...but believe me, you will be. You'll go through the 7 stages of loss/grief and it will take a while, but in the end you will be stronger.

Since he is at his "girlfriend's house", take this opportunity to toss all his stuff onto the lawn and change your locks. If you are still paying on his student loans...STOP. Make sure that everything you do going forward is in YOUR best interest. The sooner you can cut him entirely out of your life, the better. Good luck to you.

My ex also found himself a sweetie...at a Bible study class no less. Days before our divorce was final, he also decided that I was "the best thing he ever had" and wanted to return home. NOT. Thankfully, I was strong enough to tell him that ship had sailed.
+1

I agree that now is the time to take the opportunity to toss all his stuff onto the lawn and change the locks.

Otherwise, I wouldn't be surprised if you'd get roses from him, saying he'll never do this again...etc. But can you trust him? Also, if you try to reconcile, if he isn't serious, he'll probably go "oh forget it, pretend it never happened" and would you wish to go through that?
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Old 12-21-2011, 01:40 PM   #135
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Finally, an easy question I did a 3:28 earlier this year. If I keep off the 8 pounds I've lost through this ordeal, my next one might be even faster.

I will not take reconciliation lightly; at this point, I'm not even sure if he's really interested. And if he is, he has to show me that he's 100% committed. We'd have to work with our marriage counselor to figure out how to make it work. And I have to figure out if that's what I want, since it will be hard work, or if I'd rather start fresh.

I am still taking steps toward divorce. I am moving out a bunch of my stuff that he doesn't want (classical music CDs, Teaching Company CDs/DVDs, books) to store at my parents' house this weekend. Other than that, things are on hold until he meets with his attorney on December 30.
If he has not moved from his GF's house, he is not that serious about getting back with you...

(I could say a lot more, but let's leave it at this right now)
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Old 12-21-2011, 01:44 PM   #136
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Hey, maybe when his girlfriends husband gets home and finds out what's going on he may change the whole outcome. I think funeral arrangements are cheaper if you make them before someones death.
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Old 12-21-2011, 01:50 PM   #137
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Wow, I'm shocked, he wants to do what?! Look it's your life and your call.

I find it strange that he didn't just dive into the deep end of the pool he dove off a 50' cliff and had to time the incoming tide to boot! I think his drastic sudden behavior very troubling. How could he change so suddenly to dump you? And now after spending 2 or 3 days with her he thinks he wants to come back? This man is mentally unstable IMO.

How could you ever trust him again? Won't you always wonder where he is if he is late or fails to call? Once trust is broken it is like that mirror, you can glue it back together but you will always see the cracks. How would you feel being back in this position again in say 2 or 5 or 10 years?

Good luck to you, you sound like a great lady, too bad I'm 30 years too old for you! I hope you decide what is right for you.
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Old 12-21-2011, 01:50 PM   #138
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Finally, an easy question I did a 3:28 earlier this year. If I keep off the 8 pounds I've lost through this ordeal, my next one might be even faster.

I will not take reconciliation lightly; at this point, I'm not even sure if he's really interested. And if he is, he has to show me that he's 100% committed. We'd have to work with our marriage counselor to figure out how to make it work. And I have to figure out if that's what I want, since it will be hard work, or if I'd rather start fresh.

I am still taking steps toward divorce. I am moving out a bunch of my stuff that he doesn't want (classical music CDs, Teaching Company CDs/DVDs, books) to store at my parents' house this weekend. Other than that, things are on hold until he meets with his attorney on December 30.
Only you and he can decide if the marriage is salvagable.
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Old 12-21-2011, 02:07 PM   #139
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Marathoner,
Years ago my then husband cheated on me. We went to counseling, but I never trusted him again...especially after he cheated on me again. I was still too "deer in the headlights" to just leave. He finally left me when his mother died, and left him some money.

I thank God now that he left me when I was still in my 30's, and able to start over again. I have been married my current husband for 22 years who is honorable, trust-worthy, handsome, financially secure, and treats me like a queen. (I treat him like a king also).

My lesson was this: I needed to grow a spine, and I did. Also, I endeavor to surround myself only with people who love and support who I am and who I am not.

Best of luck. Remember this: you are the parent of your elder self: be sure to honor your 70 year-old within. Your decision today shall have a rippling effect for the rest of your life.
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Old 12-21-2011, 02:48 PM   #140
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And if he is, he has to show me that he's 100% committed.
Considering all the surprises he's pulled off so far, I'm not sure how you'd tell.
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