Getting divorced: he partly blames RE dreams

[growing_older]

Are you in a fault or no-fault state? Divorce laws vary by state. Since he moved out, some states regard that as abandonment and in most states you are in a strong position for divorce negotiations. Most states will regard you are reconciled if you allow him to move back in, which will negate any negotiating position you currently have and allow him time to move assets and position his next set of actions much more favorably. It is very common for runaway spouses to show true colors and intentions until their first discussion with a divorce attorney who explains the legal implications of their rash actions. As soon as they understand the consequences to themselves of what they've done, they start looking for ways to change the story to make it less financially painful, often with no regard at all for consequences to their partner(s).

In some cases couples do reconcile, but it takes great dedication and work by both people. In many cases, runaway spouse gets cold feet, tries to reposition themselves to avoid consequences of their actions and has no sincere interest in reconciliation. It can be just another manifestation of the selfish mindset that lead to cheating in the first place. Beware sudden change of spots. If you can get good info on your state laws, you really want to understand what you may be losing in terms of expected outcome if you are taken in by a sob story (whether he really believes it or not) only to be manipulated again once his legal position is more favorable to him.

 

[chris2008]

I would not allow him to move back in before having completed lengthy and very detailed counseling with joint sessions as well as separate sessions.

Allow yourself enough time to explore what his actions disclose about his personality and future behavior.

I just love antmary's
"Best of luck. Remember this: you are the parent of your elder self: be sure to honor your 70 year-old within."

It is so true!

All the best!

 

[Mindy]

Question: let's say they were both legal owners who's names are on the deed and the husband put down payment on the property. Once divorced does the wife have any rights even though she didn't contribute to the down payment as the husband did.

 

[jayc]

IMO. Cut the relationship and finances asap. Do not take him back at this time. Continue with YOUR plan based on what you know now. I think your judgement is clouded similar to the battered wife syndrome. If getting back together is in the cards then let it happen later on YOUR terms. There are too many unknowns here.

Is this because his attorney suggested this? Have an insider in the house to gather details.

Is this the path of least resistance because he will have no where to live once the other husband comes home?

He will still work with this women and probably see her each day more than he sees you.

The other unknown is the out of town husband. What new events will spawn once he gets cranked up about this soap opera.

Bottom line. If you like the drama, all of the unknowns, NOT being in control of your life, finances, and relationship then carry on with HIS plan.

Good luck.

 

[Cruisinthru]

+1 antmary said it well. I also was divorced from a serial cheater while in my late twenties. I married young and I couldn't see myself as "divorced" so I put up with way to much abuse both emotional and physical until I grew a backbone. Life is too short to settle for something or someone that has already shown you what kind of person they really are. Your husband let you finance his schooling, had an affair with another woman, and announces he wants out. The handwriting is on the wall and it is all his.

I urge you to protect yourself at all costs. Get the best counselor, the best lawyer.

I have been with my current husband for 25 years. He is everything I could have ever wanted in a partner. I now look at my ex and know that he did me a large favor when he left on New Years Eve to be with his girlfriend of the moment in 1979. Our divorce was very painful but I did manage to grow that backbone that I really needed.

Hang in there. You are on a crossroads of life. Make the best choices for your future happiness. Good luck!

 

[Marathoner]

Thanks again for the well wishes and advice on my continuing saga. Thought I should update. He had his first individual counseling session this morning. He called me after and asked if we could get together for coffee, so we did.

He said that he was more screwed up than even he realized. He now has a weekly standing appointment with his counselor and she told him it will take months, possibly years, for him to get better. He told me he thinks he may be a sociopath (Nords hit the nail on the head!) He said that he needs to work things out alone and that I (unintentionally) enabled him during our marriage by protecting him from the real world and making it so he never had to address his past. He wanted me not to blame myself for that. He said maybe that's what he needed during the chaos of med school/residency, but now he needs to address his demons and he doesn't think he can do that with me around.

He took full responsibility for the demise of our marriage since he was so screwed up. He apologized for hurting me and for having an affair as I deserve better. He wishes he would have gotten help before things got too far. He said he can't ever see us getting back together because he is so damaged and I deserve better. And he's right.

I wanted so badly to make this work. We were college sweethearts and he was my first love. I will spend some time alone working through this and hopefully someday I will meet a man who will be a better match. I'm kind of excited to be able to reinvent parts of my life.

I am now working on detaching from him and continuing to make progress in separating from him. He meets with his lawyer on December 30 so I guess we're basically in a holding pattern until then. He said he's not in a hurry to divorce. He claims to still care about me and he wants to keep me on his health insurance until I get a job where it's offered. Of course his attitude might change after he meets with his lawyer, so I'm trying to not get my heart/mind set on anything.

Anyway, I know I've been all over the place in this thread. I think that's because I was on this roller coaster and my whole world got turned upside down less than a month ago. Ultimately, I know I'll be OK. My counselor said she'd rather be in my shoes right now than his, and I know she's right.

I will be spending the weekend with my family, and it will be great to be around people who really love me. This isn't the way I envisioned 2011 to end, but, as many of you have inferred, perhaps I'll look back on this as one of the best things that happened to me.

Thanks again! I really do appreciate you taking the time to share your stories, give me advice, and provide hope that a better life is waiting for me just around the corner. I'm sure I'll have ups and downs throughout this process, but right now I'm feeling pretty good. What a caring group of people are here and I'm happy to be a part of this.

 

[ratto]

He said he can't ever see us getting back together because he is so damaged and I deserve better.

Call me cynical, is this another revamped version of "It's not you, it's me" routine by George?

 

[brewer12345]

Call me cynical, is this another revamped version of "It's not you, it's me" routine by George?

Dude is a self-identified sociopath. That means that anything out of his mouth must be regarded as a cynical manipulation for his own ends with absolutely no regard for other people.

 

[Texas Proud]

Question: let's say they were both legal owners who's names are on the deed and the husband put down payment on the property. Once divorced does the wife have any rights even though she didn't contribute to the down payment as the husband did.

I would think in any state the wife would have some kind of right if her name is on the deed no matter who contributed the down payment or even the monthly payments...

In Texas, even if you own a property before you get married (which makes it separate), once the wife moves into the property she has rights to live there. If the husband dies, the wife can live in the house as long as she wants even if she does not own it. And she does not have to pay to fix it up if she does not want to....

 

[Nuiloa]

So he got all that from a single counselling session? Must be some kind of counsellor!

This guy has been writing the script for a long time.

 

[73ss454]

Too cute! Just kick him to the curb.

 

[Nemo2]

Call me cynical, is this another revamped version of "It's not you, it's me" routine by George?

Have to say that that was my first reaction while reading.

 

[East Texas]

<snip> He meets with his lawyer on December 30 so I guess we're basically in a holding pattern until then. He said he's not in a hurry to divorce. He claims to still care about me and he wants to keep me on his health insurance until I get a job where it's offered.

Oh, you're not working. Are you in an alimony state? Also, if you don't have a separate checking account now is the time to get one. Ask your attorney how to protect yourself against his running up the credit cards or incurring new debt (if this is a community property state). You may want to consider putting a credit freeze on your accounts with all three credit bureaus.

In Texas, even if you own a property before you get married (which makes it separate), once the wife moves into the property she has rights to live there. If the husband dies, the wife can live in the house as long as she wants even if she does not own it. And she does not have to pay to fix it up if she does not want to....

Not exactly. The surviving spouse does have a homestead interest in the deceased spouse's separate property house with several conditions. The mortage (if there is one) must continue to be paid, the house must be maintained, property taxes must be paid, and the homestead issue only exists if s/he continuously lives in the house. S/he can't move out and rent the house (or allow anyone to take possession of the house such as his/her children) or live in one place part of the time and this house part of the time. Also, if the surviving spouse has another house in his/her name then that becomes their domicile. It's up to the decedent's heirs to monitor their property and take legal action to evict if any of the conditions are not met.

 

[Marathoner]

Oh, you're not working. Are you in an alimony state? Also, if you don't have a separate checking account now is the time to get one. Ask your attorney how to protect yourself against his running up the credit cards or incurring new debt (if this is a community property state). You may want to consider putting a credit freeze on your accounts with all three credit bureaus.

I am working. It's just that my current job does not offer health insurance. I am losing my job at the end of March, so will have to find a new one then, with health insurance.

I will get maintenance, but not a lot. However, I am educated and have an in-demand profession, so I know I'll be OK. Plus, once the divorce is final, I will have no debts and I live below my means, so no money worries, assuming I can find a job. It's just more having to realize that the life I thought I was going to lead even last month is no longer reality.

I have a call in to my lawyer about what to do regarding checking account/credit cards. I am in a community property state. With the holidays, she is out until Tuesday. I don't want to take any actions that will end up harming me down the road.

 

[easysurfer]

Remember, if you are healthy with no or very minor pre-existing conditions, you may want to consider a HSA. One of the benefits is you don't have to be employed (such as FIRE'd ) and still have one. Plus, you won't be dependent on others for the insurance which is a big advantage. In my sister's divorce, she tried to stay under her ex's insurance for her and her daughters. But there's was no guarantee he'd be employed. Plus, he was the controling type, so anyway to control, even out of spite, he'd take that path.

 

[Achiever51]

Marathoner,
You've been hammered with a lot of stuff all at one time, and it's going to take time to absorb it before you can deal with it in a unemotional way. The forum posters here have provided good suggestions, and it sounds like you have a good support team behind you.

Having not been in your situation, I would only offer this: allow yourself some time to grieve for your loss, even as you go about the mechanics of unwinding your joint lives. You have suffered a death in your closest relationship and you need time to adapt to the new reality in your life. Take care of yourself. Listen to your inner you.

And know that time softens even the harshest blows. You'll be fine.

 

[Bimmerbill]

You can always try to get health insurance from him as part of your maintenance settlement.

Talk to your lawyer about the possible/most likely outcome if your case went to trial. You really need to know this to be in a good position to bargain/collaborate.

Make no mistake, the other side will try to shortchange you.

Good luck!

 

[ronocnikral]

Similar thing happened to my wife (for almost similar reasons) 5-6 years before I met her. It's good you have a lawyer, as my wife's ex made a bunch of promises that got wittled down with time and eventually left her screwed come filing time.

I'm hoping for the best for you and keep looking up!

 

[Seeking Hobbes]

He took full responsibility for the demise of our marriage since he was so screwed up. He apologized for hurting me and for having an affair as I deserve better. He wishes he would have gotten help before things got too far. He said he can't ever see us getting back together because he is so damaged and I deserve better. And he's right.

Let me first say... WHEW!

I was cringing with the vision of your immediate future full of emotionally painful manipulation, should you have gotten back together with him.

Trusting that he is sincere (a leap, perhaps) I hope all goes smoothly and that you are able to start your new life quickly, or at least as quickly as you are comfortable with.

You seem to have everything in the world going for you. Soon I imagine your biggest problem will be to carefully manage all of YOUR admirers.

Best of luck!

 

[FinanceDude]

Call me cynical, is this another revamped version of "It's not you, it's me" routine by George?

Or maybe his counselor told him to be honest for the first time in a long time with regards to his soon-to-be ex-wife?

 

[Chuckanut]

Trust your instincts.

 

[pimpmyretirement]

Assuming you are healthy, health insurance may be relatively inexpensive. Don't over value the benefit of being on his insurance. A quick quote on the Humana website shows a 32 year old non smoking female pays $200 a month for a $2500 deductible in my state.

You can run numbers here:

https://www.humana-one.com/secured/individual-health-insurance-quotes.aspx

 

[East Texas]

Trust your instincts.

+1. That little Uh Oh person who lives deep in your gut is there for a reason.

 

[Meadbh]

Don"t forget.....

 

[Major Tom]

What's interesting to me is that he was so honest with you after his first counseling session. I wouldn't have thought that owning up to being a sociopath is something that a sociopath would do.

I think that this act of honesty was exactly what you needed from him in order to set yourself free.

Best of luck Marathoner - as everyone else has said, you're going to be fine.